This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
crs..........won the COW PATTIE....yes, it's an honor!
The dogs woke me up at 6 am....darn those built-in alarm clocks.....so I will sit here and drink coffee and listen to the world wake up, then go have lunch with the col. Hoping it's not too windy out so that we can take her out to the area they built over a little pond for a picnic. She will enjoy the fresh air and sunshine and I won't have to worry about her trying to kill herself by pulling weeds! I still look at her door sometimes when I walk outside expecting her to try to come outside and do yard work. One of these days I will tell those that haven't heard it the story of the laser and the col.......we still almost hurt ourselves laughing about it.
Sending good wishes for a wonderful day for all of you!
Happy Trails.....................
crs-Belated Happy Anniversary to you! Sounds like you had a nice dinner out. And good news from the hospital, too, well at least not terrible news. Hugs.
Jam-As I was reading your post, I wondered if you've ever asked the Col what crime she commited to get incarcerated? Just my mental dark laugh for the morning. Enjoy your picnic. Hugs.
beck-please send the coffee instructions to Ladee :) I think she needs them, badly! LOL Can't wait to see your artisitc expressions. Hugs.
burned-Wouldn't it be nice if pot roast solved all our problems???? Hope you enjoyed yours. Hugs.
Lindasue-Welcome! Blessings to you - you are a busy woman. Hugs.
I woke up this morning to a mess made by a dog, and a sick son. Then odd words from Mom. If I read one more HMD post on fb I will puke. I am hoping that all the bad stuff is out of the way for today now. My mil passed away twenty years ago, before my son turned one year old. It threw my husband into a tailspin that lasted over 10 years. I didn't have a nice mother's day until my son was almost in his teens. And now I am trying very hard not to resent my Mom for being here and ruining the day all over again. For once, I will be happy to see Monday. Crabby today, can you tell?
Ladee-thank you. Honesty is hard, especially when it's something you don't like. The day turned out alright...mostly quiet, and I did give her my card without getting yelled at. I also got a great card from my son, so that made my day.
Has anyone heard from seeme?
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Notlike, glad to know mom didn't set your card on fire, and really nice that you got a card from your son.... my son has been so isolated with the broken bones, he doesn't have a clue today is Mothers Day, so that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it...... I have cleaned and napped today, then thought about work tomorrow and felt tired all over again... hopefully my sons surgeires will be soon so the sooner I can get out of there and away from M.... sorry Notlike, you don't get to quit yours.... love to you all.
So something for us to 'ponder' today, may give a little flash of insight to our guilt and feeling like failures or allowing others the power to try and make us feel like failures...not so, I don't give to others as I do my children....
Was reading others posts today and came across something I have to borrow, some of you may already know it, but this is the first time I've seen it....LLAMP.....laughing like a mental patient..... have to start using this one.....
Hope everyone had a good Mothers Day, but personally glad all the fan fare is over.... love you all, hugs and angels...
Have been on in a few days. Have bee visiting my daughter ..got here Friday..have to head back Wednesdy. It was really hard to leave have so much to say. Dad is not well..the meds we had him on for the figity just didn't work and caused several side effects. Neurologist said that there is nothing more that he can give him. Concerned about long term. We have an appt in june..will talk with him then to see if he can tell me what I will see as he keeps going downhill.
You all are on my mind and in my heart. Will try to catch up soon..love and prayers
Dad has been extremely confused for the last several days, so I have been a bit overwhelmed with him. I've also been down in regards to my son. He is 26 years old, and he hasnt said a word to me in about 3 mnths. He wrks in our family business, but he won,t have anything to do with me because of something that occurred about 6mnths ago. He feels the need to punish me, i guess. I also have 2 daughters, 20 n 24. They are speaking to me, and even honored me on mothers day, but I never heard a word from my son. I am so hurt and besides dealing with my dad, i am always thinking about my son. I dont know what i did to deserve this treatment, but i jst feel so bad inside. I don't know how long this silent treatment will continue, i jst pray that he comes around before losing a grandparent, because he has no relationship with them either. So...mothers day was not such a celebration for me...more of a reminder that im not enough of a mother to even get recognition from my only son. Wow...putting this down really hurts and im crying so much that i cant see the keyboard anymore. I'll talk to you all later...Have a good day
notlike.....yes I have asked the col what she has done to be incarcerated and her answer is always....."what?" or "you know"......so I stop asking.
ladee.....have to let my brain think about your pondering question today.....brings up a lot of thoughts.
Haven't heard from seeme........
But good to hear from you Vic and glad you are getting a much-needed break.....
Glad to hear some of you are getting a bit of a break. Has to happen occasionally or you will end up in the little rubber room banging your head against the wall........
Sending hugs and prayers!
She was the most confused and sleepy that we have ever seen her. She had in her mind that I was now living in the same city with her which has not been true for almost 30 years. She also had in her head that she'd been on a trip that we know she did not take to her home town which she has been talking about more lately. We were not sure that she even knew who we were when we first got in her room.
She was not very talkative at all. She would say a few words that were not always a complete sentence and then either close her eyes or stare at the TV, but when we got up to leave for we thought she had fallen asleep, she'd open her eyes and tell us not to leave.
My step dad said she is like this sometimes and other days as clear as a bell. From my perspective, this was the worse we had seen her be and could not imagine her being as clear as a bell on some days. I think she is withdrawing because of realizing that she is not going to go home from the nursing home as well as her dementia is increasing.
My psychiatrist told me today that dementia is worse on the family members than it is on the person who has it. That's not much consultation.
Our youngest son is home from college for a few days before leaving for his summer internship. Our oldest son was not able to find a job for the summer and will live with us doing a whole lot of chores that I'm not up to doing, plus we will have to pay for two months of rent for his apartment where he is in college.
Today, a week ago, I was helping my youngest move back home from college for he owns too much stuff to fit into his car. We were each glad to only have a part of the drive home to do when we got to the hotel that I had left that morning. For some reason, when I drove part way down, I did not sleep at all. So, last Monday night, I was really ready to sleep. He is seriously going to look into having less stuff at college next year so I will not have to drive 8 hours one way to help him move home. We are going through the typical "I'm in college and know more than you do" parental phase with each boy, but more so with the youngest who thinks he can solve about every problem.
Sadly, and I mean sadly, that all changed when our mother became sick. For once in my life, I decided to do something for me. See, my first marriage ended when I was 30 and I met someone who was great and we dated on and off, but he was from the east coast, and I from the west coast. We decided to move in together and plan a wedding, so I and my daughters moved 3100 miles from mom, and one of my older siblings became moms caregiver. It was hard, I was use to taking care of mom, since day one, and truly on my own. My family was never really any help. They had their lives, children, sports, and jobs. I didn't mind, mom was our everything and she deserved all that and more. But moving away from her was hard, and she encouraged me to do it. To grab my life for once and live it and let the others be responsible for a while. That lasted six months. My mom never wanted to tell me that she was home alone a lot. That she was cooking her own meals with her oxygen on, and that she was having to shower the best she could and get around the best she could with COPD and congestive heart failure. But one night she had been so upset that no none came and winded. I could hear her winded, and I had not left her in that condition. I fretted like you couldn't believe as we are want to do with our children. I think this was my first taste of many emotions on the change from child and parent to caregiver and parent. I can be honest. It was hard. I was angry. I wanted my mom back, and I didn't want to except these changes in here. It was NOT okay that this was happening and my mom was sick. My husband decided to leave his career of sixteen years with the airlines and move us back to Oregon. We got there, and I would love to say it was all up hill after that, but that would be a lie. My sister was using drugs, whom was taking care of my mom, and my brother Tom and his family had moved to California, my other brother was an alcoholic, my middle brother was self obsorbed and my oldest sister had a mental break down and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. So, that sums up what choice I had. We moved above my mom in an apartment and proceeded to take care of her. It was not easy, not ever. However we learned. She was angry at her disease, and becoming the one who had needs, and I was angry at the disease and becoming a parent to my parent. I got mad when simple things were to obtainable for my mom, not because I had to do it, but because I seen what it did to her. She was a nurse her whole life, and was loving, compassionate, sought after, and this.. this is where she was. Mom was given five years. My beautiful mother, lost her battle after nine years. We were all by her side at the time, each one of us, and yet , greedily I wanted her to myself. That was how it had been from the beginning. Why should I have to share her now. But I did. And in the end, I know my siblings each had their own demons to live with, on how they left her and never had time for her.
A year after moms death, we moved back to South Carolina. Not to begin again, but to once again, become caregivers. My husbands mama has Alzheimers, and my father in law suffers memory loss from mini strokes and a couple bigger ones that they have no idea ever occured. Each day is a new adventure. My mother in law practices her answers enough to know how to fool people that she is okay, but each day she is losing weight, and forgetting more and more, and refusing medical treatment. It becomes so very frustrating. My father in law cares about six things. Breakfast, nap, lunch, nap, and dinner and bed. He can not grasp the changes in mom, and wants to put her in a home, and we do not feel she belongs in a home. Would it be easier... heck ya... but that is not the answer for everyone. She would waste away and decline. I know.. I watched it growing up when my mom was a private nurse, and I seen it with other elderly family members. I promised her I would do all I could to be with her and not let her go to a home, but I can only do so much when she resists care. They just started having a nurse come in twice a week to check blood pressure, and weight, and medications, and she fights it to the end each visit. I don't know what tomorrow brings. We hope as always another day with them. I know its hard, and often there is no reward, but I don't do it for recognition, nor rewards. I do it because I love them all, and we had the honor and grace to be raised by them, and we can only offer just as much if not more back. Taking care of my mother and my in laws was never and is never a job, its a pleasure. But it does get lonely, heart breaking and hard, and sometimes, it just feels good to say .... I'm tired!. Thank you for letting me vent... so hows my day.... I'm tired. Alive, and Blessed.
Vickie Vic, so happy to hear you got away for a few days..... hope you got to make good memories with the grandangels....sorry dad is not improving..... makes my heart sad that he is getting no reprieve from this... and sounds like regardless of the money situation, there is going to have to be more outside help... you can't continue to transfer alone.... too hard on your body... maybe time to check into a HOYA lift.....did I spell that right???
Beck, sorry the son is being a butt... have had a roller coaster ride with my son most of his life..... now that he has had the wreck and has no choice but to listen, or pretend he is, things are finally getting better.... All I can say is my prayers are with you about your son.... I really do understand.....
Son's arm surgery is planned for next Tues. One down one to go....his leg surgery next.... what a mess, and a month and a half after the wreck and here we are, starting all over again.....He has an interview by phone with SSD tomorrow, At this rate it will be a very long time, if ever, that he will work again, so need to get that process started just in case.....And then a lawyer for the botched mess of his leg and them sending him home with a broken arm.... still can't wrap my mind around that one....
M was civil today, but I have a lot on my mind, so really just stayed busy with S and all that Suzy Homemaker crap she has me do.... my own house doesn't get the time and attention hers does.... last thing I want to do when I get home is clean....
So prayers for my son please, he has a long road ahead of him.....And Beck, hope it doesn't take years and a bad wreck to wake your son up... He's still young, I'll pray for him to have a change of heart.... I have so been where you are.... it doesn't always get better, but it does get different...
Love to you all, hugs and angels....
Ladee...thanks for the words of encouragement about my son.It's always a comfort to know when someone else has experienced the same thing that I am living. I don't understand his reasoning for excluding me from his life, but as a mother, all I know is that the clock is ticking, and we can't go back and change anything from the past...no matter how long we wait!!! He and I have always been so close and shared so much. I know that, in time, he will understand, becuz he's raising 3 step children, ages 7, 9 and 12. All I can say is...buckle up, son...it's gonna be a bumpy ride!!!! love to all
The story of the Assessment: (True story) Grab you gals n guys some popcorn and take a seat.
Yesterday, the lady came by to do an assessment from the Area Agency to help get the mnl law to see if she could get her interested in some of the activities that she had on a list. For instance, art, pottery, dancing and etc.
My mnl would just tell her that she couldn't stand around n sat in chair all day that, she likes to be busy. Then, said to her that she only sat around because I watch t.v. I'm thinking no freaking way! but I held my tongue.
The lady asked her what she likes to do for fun and my mnl mention planting flowers n yard work. The lady offer a place that does arts, crafts and pottery and of course the mnl stated she had no problem staying home. Then she told the lady she she stays busy that she vaccum, dust and shampoos the rug. I finally had to say, "well don't over do it with all that stuff." Boy, let me tell you if looks could kill!!! She started to get a little snappy then and the lady saw the other side of the mnl. My mnl started to cry for some reason for she kept thinking I was going to put her away. I kept trying to explain to her that I was trying to prevent that from happen to keep her active and we talked about this before the lady got to our house. For some reason the mnl keeps thinking that so. I told her in front of the lady that if I was going to such a thing she wouldn't be here now. I also made a mistake and told the mnl an hour a head of time that a lady name..... would be coming by at .... pm to help US stay independence and healthy. She flippled out and started on me that, she didn't know I felt that way about her. That I didn't wont her around. I kept trying to explain to her being being she is in mild-moderate AD that I like to sometimes go out to be with my friends. She didn't mind if I left and she could stay home alone. Then I told her I couldn't do that for she has AD and that really flipped her out.
So, back to the lady where she tried to let her know that their are places for her to have fun and that not only Debbbie needed a break but she -mnl needed a break from me. She like that idea for some reason. She agreed that she would try them out and I was saying to myself yes! of course to myself. The lady also talk to her that no one was putting her away and it is all her choice. She also told the mnl that Debbie and her son loves her very much and they are not trying put her away.
Intermission Break;
The lady got up to leave and walked her out to her car with all of us all happy. As soon as we got back into the house she started on me again that she didn't know that I felt that way about her. Omg!!!! I asked her what she meant like dummy.She said that you want me out of your way. I like a dummy try to explain to her that was not it and bla, bla... Then I said, what about the list the lady was talking about and she said, "she just agreed so she leave her alone," OMG!!!!! I did tell the lady she is a fire-cracker. Sometimes, I think a bomb. So, she got up and went to her room all pissy. I tried to play some games online to not get bothered. Sometimes you just get so frustrated and this is only the early signs of AD. How in world am I going help with the later stages? I always try to be positive but by end of the day I am so negative and that is all I think the hubby see when he gets home.
Anyway, part 3. Hubby comes home and I go fix supper. While I'm in the kitchen I could hear the mnl low talking my talking. She asked her son if he thought something was wrong with her mind. That Debbie had this lady over and I couldn't quite hear the rest. So, I came in living room and told her that yes, I had already talk to her son for I had already talked to him about this. He told me to step back but it burns me up for her to do that. Like I am doing something behind his back. She has always been like that with me n this was before the dignose of AD. I have not giving her any reason to not trust me nor have I gave her any reason that I have messed around or what ever. She has never made me feel out of the 17 yrs of marriage to her son that she was like a mom to me. She does sometimes now when things go her way.
Back to hubby, he did try to explain to her that she has AD and that its normal but he couldn't just leave her by herself. He gave her a few example like getting rob twice for leaving door unlock and of course his mom say that was a long........... time ago. Not been that long ago. So now, he is on her poo-poo- fire-crack-bomb list.
Conclusion: Don't y'all just love all the love in the air.
The good thing about it was at least I have a list to check on activities and I got to leave the house and finally got my hair cut. Whoo-hoo!
Today, is a whole new fresh day....