This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Took mom and dad to the dentist yest. Dad just keeps slipping further n further away with each passing day. Just when i think my heart cannot possibly ache any more, another wave takes over. I love my parents so very much and i will continue to do whatever it takes to make their lives a little easier. I'm going to have them over for a barbecue this week, and my dad is so excited to come to my house. It's so sweet. Mom has been very depressed and hopeless lately, so the "unqualified" therapist in me has been putting in some over time. I think i may actually get a day to myself, so i plan on spending it by cleaning this house, catching up on my laundry, repairing holes in my husbands pants pockets, and enjoying my garden....and all this...I am looking forward to doing..Crazy how the mundane chores can turn into welcome moments of peace, that actually bring a smile to my face. Well..ladies..may you all find your blessing today, even if it's at the bottom of a laundry basket!! Have a good day...Hugs to u all..
lildeb-it's so hard when no matter how positive you try to make things, they take it negatively. You are doing your best, and have some great ideas. Hugs.
cari-Welcome! You have definately walked the walk of a caregiver. Hugs.
cmag-sorry to hear your Mom is getting worse. Prayers to you. I feel for you with your sons - mine didn't go to college, works full time, and is here every day with that 20-something attitude. We couldn't have been that bad when we were young, right? LOL Hugs.
Vic-I am hugging you across the miles - you've done so much and it's not getting better with your Dad's health. Angels to strengthen you.
Mom's got a dry spot on her back, right where they aimed the radiation from the front. They said this could happen, and it's normal for it to show up after the treatments. She's putting lotion on it, but it itches. I'll be keeping an eye on it, and we see the doctor next week.
This is night number two with hubby and son gone. I'm still here, but for a few monents, just barely. It seems our new war is the humidifier. Mom got one this winter, and it helped her. She has it in her room. When I went to get her lotion the other night, I noticed it was on. It's not winter here anymore. It was 80 degrees today. So I looked up all kinds of info about relative and house humidity, and tried to talk to her about it. I'm worried that too much humidity will be worse for her, and maybe start mold in her room. She won't turn it off, no surprise there. She wants a meter to see just how humid it is in her room. Well, of course I complained to sis, who is going to send their old meter here. When I mentioned that to Mom tonight so she doesn't go out and buy one, I got the 'you are in trouble for talking about me' voice. And she hasn't spoken to me since. Not good, because we are supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow, and she is rude to the servers at the best of times. If she's pissed at me, it will be a longer dinner, which I won't feel like eating and will not enjoy. Can't wait. :(
Good night, and better tomorrows.
beckncall53, it might be healthier for your son, for you, for your relationship with your son, and his relationship with you for him to find a job outside of the family business. Unfortunately, today's economy does not make such a transition possible, but I can see such a change having some benefits.
On another note, you all talk about who has Power of Attorney and you know who has it, whether it is a sister, brother, you, or the neighbor. I don't know who has it and I have no way of knowing who has POA over my mother.
Beck, mom & dad both at the dentist, you lucky dog you. I just couldn't help myself. I know its got to be very hard taking care of two members. hang in their and try to breathe. Woops, I got one load of clothes done in between taking mnl to the dr and picking up all our meds. Even with insurance it cost over 800.00 bucks for us three. Hubby, mnl and of course mine would be highest. Lucky me. ; ) Chin up and hang on.
Notlikemom, don't you just love that part, "I got the 'you are in trouble for talking about me' voice. And she hasn't spoken to me since." I feel ya and hear ya on that big one and big time since I had the Area Aging Agency lady stopped by yesterday to do an assessment. I'm on the poo-poo list and stuck with her all 24/7. Is their a way you can find out by a dr if the humidfier can cause problems? Maybe you can sneak it out and hide it if it causes health problems. Isn't it bad for me even having to say that for their own health. Just a thought, I use a Hepa-filter in my room for allergies but not sure if that can help your mom for her situation and it may be a bit safer.
cmagnum, I am sorry that your step-mom has been told she only has about 6 months even though it sounds like she was a bit mouthy at times due to the narcissistic.
I hope everyone is able to get a good night rest.... zzzzzzzzzzzz
Lildeb..I was thinking the exact same thing when I realized that mom n dad would be in the dentist chair at the same time, which means...a little time for me to sneak out and run an errand or two. So, once they were seated in those wonderful chairs..I began to plan my escape. I told the recep.that I was going to take a quick "time out" while they were getting their teeth cleaned, and that I would return before they even knew I had left. She gave me a sympathetic look of understanding, and told me she would take care of them..not to worry. If they were to ask for me, her response to them..She's in the bathroom"... So I quickly got into my car and went about 5 blks to the nearest gardening center to pick up a few herbs for my garden..(not THAT herb!!!) I was enjoying myself completely, and I was gone for 40min. I returned to the dentist office, expecting to take a seat in the waiting area and greet mom n dad when they were done. To my shock..I entered the office and there was mom...staring me down ,with that infamous question.."Where were you?"..I looked over at the receptionist, and the blood looked as though it had drained from her face as she quietly whispers..."I'm sooo sorry"..Yep...they got loose before expected and I got busted for leaving them. So I spent the ride home explaining to both of them where I had gone, and what was so important that I would leave them without telling them!! O hell...there's just no easy way to do something "so easy"... Anyway...as caregivers..we can read each others mind..no matter the distance..it's one of the things that unites us..we understand each others need for just 40 f-n minutes of peace...i love that about you ladies..
Notlike..i'm so glad that you found your blessing in your laundry..that made my day.
My prayers are with all of you,in what i know are very difficult days, and many sleepless nights. When i read all the postings, it centers me and puts my life back into perspective.We are all on this journey together..through laughter and tears, and I, for one, am so grateful for all of you.Thanks for letting me ramble, and for reading it!! Sleep well ladies..I'll check in when the sun rises...hell..i'll probably be awake to watch it rise..Hugs n more hugs
cmag-the next six months might bring some changes in your Dad, and even in your step mother. Her prognosis may change the roles everyone has played. Hugs.
lildeb-Oh boy, we are both in the dog house, aren't we? Let's have a party - I'll set up a humidifer with beck's herbs, and you invite the Agency lady LOL My sis is rescuing me - telling Mom I asked her where to buy one. I can see if she can make up a story for you, too! :)
Crabby today - I wonder why. So I sulked a bit at work this morning. Trying to get out of this mood, though. Will need to be on my toes for dinner tonight.
Brandy...your response to my son's behavior jst saved me a trip to my shrink!!!! Thanku for saving me the trip n the bill..love that!
Hope you all have a good day...I'm getting all dressed up to go grocery shopping for mom...yet again..(I go everyday..) Gotta look good sqeezin the melons!! Hugs
Yeah you totally got busted didn't you.... did you feel like a bad little girl with her hand in the cookie jar when you saw them setting there????? So many moms on here like Notlike's Mom, and I work for her sister, remember...lol....that's why Notlike and I are cousins and Cousin IT, well we all need a very hairy cousin...And if Beck can come up with some 'HERBS' that would make us ALL happy then I want to be invited to the party....I've been clean for over 28 years, breathing VAPOR doesn't count does it?????????? But officer, it's kind of hard NOT to inhale VAPOR.....think they'll go for it?????
Son's surgery is next Tues. on his arm, Dr's appt today and the Dr. looked over all the paper work from Workmen's Comp, not one word about a broken arm.... can ya'll say LITIGATION..... This is simply about doing the right things for the right reasons, here it is 6 weeks after the wreck, will be 7 by the time he has the surgery, and no matter what, it's not ok to send someone home with a broken arm..... but getting him well is priorty... made him walk up the ramp to the Dr's office today, but got the wheelchair to come back down...didn't want him doing a header on those crutches and needing more stuff done to him.... He said he didn't want to mess up his pretty face....lol, but then I reminded him of having a seizure in Dec, doing a header on a tile floor and breaking his nose..... so, not much left that he hasn't broken....
Have no idea how we are going to get him in his house Tues. after the surgery.... left leg non weight bearing and a brand new suregery on his right arm.... this should be interesting..... He' 6ft tall and weighs 180.... and of course no family to be seen or heard from.....I'll figure out something..... any suggestions????
Ok, been up since 2;30 this morning, I'm beat, check back in later... love and hugs....
Cmag-please keep us posted on how things change in your family. More hugs.
crs-glad you got good news from the doc. Two for one is good for sales, not when moving people around! Nice though, that you could take him seperately today.
Well, I survived my dinner out with the parents. Either she's dropping the fact that I talked to my sis, or I'll hear more about it when the meter comes in the mail. I can't wait, not.
The very nice neighbor son just mowed my front yard, since hubby is gone. Maybe tomorrow I can get the rest of the flowers planted before they die in their pots. And I need to go through Dad's meds, because so far this week (is it only Wednesday?) he's found two he's out of and the prescriptions are expired.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
ladee.....when you call for assistance ask if they charge. Most entities will give an assist just as a courtesy....although there are some that charge a "response fee".
But this is one place I get to be me, not mom, not professional caregiver, not anything but a tired person needing support... and it is here...Thanks again Jam, for providing us a safe place... gotta get going, another long day....hugs and angels to everyone....
bilmo.......I understand exactly what you are talking about. I, too, was treated horribly by ignorance of my situation and through it all the one thing that bothered me the most? That person was responsible for someone else and to me that made them a horrid care giver. A gold digger? Pretty harsh terms for someone to use simply because we don't want to see our loved ones life savings flushed down the toilet. So I'm right there with you, call me one too!
Okay, I'm climbing down off my soap box now........I hope you all have a wonderful, productive day....sending hugs to each of you!
Haven't posted much about my mom lately. I'll refresh by saying she is in rehab after falling in the small yard of her condo on March 29. Broke her femor and fractured her hip at 90! Been complaining about everything. Goes to the bathroom 10 to 11 times per night. Been through two rounds of antibiotics for UTI. Wearing the aides out! She begins toe-touch on May 25. Hope she has enough mental capacity to understand what that means and doesn't rebrake her leg! Now on to my real problem of the day!
Well I married Peter Pan 8 years ago! Peter is currently on a golf trip and has another one planned the first week of June! Only requirement I had from Petie was that he leave his cell on just in case of emergency! Petie has one son (thank God) who hates me! The one son has three daughters (school age). I've tried numerous times to get close and have a relationship. Never happened. In fact, haven't seen them since Christmas eve! No phone calls - nothing! My husband was invited for Christmas eve and I assumed that meant me as well. When we arrived, there was no offer of coffee, soft drink - nothing! They even went so far as to go upstairs and put on their pajamas! Even gave me some of my gifts to take back! I swore I'd never be in their company again! These people have been incredibly rude to me for the last 10 years! I've hung in there for Peter's sake! Yesterday, I get an email asking me to babysit for 4 days! Un (friggin) believeable! I fired it back - Full Plate-Can't Help!
I'd like your thoughts here! Thanks all! I just can't believe people have such nerve!
bilmo....don't kill yourself trying to get recognition from siblings....they don't know you exist until "after"...if you know what I mean....then they will dislike you because they will see you as getting what should be theirs. I have 2 younger siblings that I spoke to, not on a regular basis unless one of them wanted something, but when my Mom passed away in 2010 they turned on me like I was a snake. I was her main care giver, even though she was in a NH which was her preference, and sister rarely saw her....brother never. And they had already "borrowed" a big chunk of money that she got when her husband died.....so what the hell? Come back and pull up a chair....