The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Jam, thanks for the reminder of the historical origin of this thread and thank you for starting it.

I got good news today that my testosterone level is finally normal once again after changing to a new endocrinologist. The new version of the treatment for this is double strength, condensed, and thus I don't have to buy as many bottles of it.

On a more morbid note and I don't know why my mind keeps wondering about this, in light of what I know now, there is a high probability that with the next 6 months my step-mother will die from her pulmonary fibrosis; some time within the next year I think my MIL will die from her heart problems followed by very likely my dad dying within the next two years given how weak he is and how lost he will be without my step-mother and somewhere parallel to that time frame my step-dad might pass away given he is the same age as my dad and not in good health, but my mother might last another 3 or so years in the nursing home.

Jam! Thank you for sharing! I didn't offer any excuses to them - I simply replied that I have a full plate taking care of my mom and getting to docs
appts. Which is true! I simply am tired of trying to have a courteous relationship with them for the sake of my husband, Peter Pan! Also, I've been trying to have a relationship with the children as I've have no children myself. Thought perhaps I could be a good grandma! Well, I've lived the past 64 years childless and I can go another few years!

I should have left the first time I was treated rudely and my husband overlooked it. I simply thought it would get better with time! (How many times have you heard that?) Guess what? It's been almost 16 years. The son was 22 and is now 39! Now for the last 10 years is a wife who behaves the same way!

I think we caregivers are wonderful people who try to be there for everyone in every situation! Always hoping for the best. We have the attitude that if we try harder something will change to make our situation better. The news is - we take care of ourselves first! No matter what! No matter who gets mad! We must learn to give the treatment we get to some degree - no with anger and hatred but with sheer "matter of factness".

Love to all of you!

And Bilmo! I haven't read too many of your posts but just the last few! My only comment to you is often times (depending upon where we are in our heads) we take what is said to us out of context. I know that is true for me! I hear you talk of your depression and totally understand! I hope you are seeing a doc for that. This caregiving is not a "walk in the park". It's very difficult and heartbreaking stuff! You must take care of you - some way some how! We must all do that! Otherwise we're toast!

Look for the help on this site - it is here. Love to you

I don't think that I'm doing so well today at all. As a mtter of fact; I think I'm really doing terrible!! First; I'm going to talk to my boyfriend of 17 yrs and tell him to go on with his life without me anymore. I can't keep draging him through this mess of caring for my mom with me anymore. I feel terrible, like I'm holding him back. I never have time for him anymore. It's just not fare to him. This is not going to be easy. He seems so lonesome, and please don't tell me how after 17 years he understands and ya, ya ,ya. I feel that he has had enough! I know him. I can see it in his eyes. I can't do this to him anymore. I love him too much. I have to let him go. Whew...... life is so difficult, isn't it?

PWdeb, yes , life is difficult.. and it is hard to salvage a relationship amidst all that caregiving entails... please let us know how things are and how you are after this conversation....But what if he doesn't want to leave???? In many ways I hope he doesn't , I never like to see relationships break apart...hugs and prayers to you...
Bilmo, whether you misunderstood or not has nothing to do with you still needing to have your say and to be safe doing it.... but usually posters will preface something by saying, I hope this doesn't offend you, or I'm not trying to hurt your feelings... there is still a way to say what we want to say without 'post bombing' someone.... and you know what, it's ok to get our feelings hurt, to not understand all and everyone's intentions... some days we are just tired, depressed, don't see an end in sight, have no family support, and those are the days, I DARE someone to get stupid with me... Hasn't happened here, but like you, I don't feel like I should have to start a post with a disclaimer of " I just need to vent, don't care what you think i should do." And there are some UGLY folks on this sight, one went after me here and I see her posting her vile stuff all over the place... like I told some one the other day, I just add it to my gratitude list that I am not HER.... at the end of the day or a hundred years from now.... do I really CARE what she said.... ummm, NO... so hope you have found a home here... we get silly stupid, not stupid stupid.... and as Jam said, it won't be tolerated here.... It's not all happiness and light, not a damned feild of daisys in sight, and yet I laugh here everyday....
cmag, glad you are feeling better... try not to project too much in the future, takes all the energy you need for today.... and you already know that... right????
I hear the laundromat calling me, but to hell with it for awhile, I'm going to rest....
hugs across the miles to ya'll...

Tshirtlady, sorry I didn't welcome you, and we all have it hard one way or another... so don't compare your hard work and sleepless nights... it is honored and valued by the rest of us....hope you get a real break soon.... hugs to you and hope you come back and let us get to know you....

Hi girls and boys, just wanted to let ya'll know that dad has developed a huge knot(lymph node) maybe under his chin. We don't know what it is but it came up all of a sudden like monday night sis noticed it. So sis and dad are on their way to the ear nose and throat dr. now to hopefully find out some answers. I also noticed he had some swollen lymph nodes under his right arm. Same side where his tumor was found. I just know they are going to come back with no answers. I hope sis asks him all the questions i wrote down. I wrote down "Tell doctor to feel his neck". And mainly the other questions were pertaining to the other lymph nodes that are swollen in the neck area. Maybe i will hear something shortly. I will keep ya'll updated. Love and hugs stormyyy

Hello to all on this thread: I've been reading some of your posts and Beck, I love your stories. Lildeb, too and others. I forget now, who is the hairy cousin. I know you told Bilmo not to ask why, but my curiosity is getting the better of me.

Lildeb, have you told your friends here what your mom likes to do when she sees her poop in the toilet. Lord, now that's funny.

I don't believe I have posted on this thread. I have on others and I try to be encouraging, but sometimes I put my foot in my mouth. If you all don't mind, I will join you. You are a pretty awesome group.

Hugs, Cattails

Welcome cattails, have been reading your stuff all over the place, very concerned and caring....and that's what we like here, supportive and non judgemental.... When you first joined the sight, I felt you were a little harsh with some answers but you always came back and either apologized or explained.... so that counts for alot... some people are very fragile when they first post a question and have stepped out of thier comfort zone.... and you get that now, not that you need me to be proud of you, but we all need all the support we can get, and to have a place to lovingly express our opionions....So come on and join in the chaos, as Jam says, we'll leave the light on for ya...

I feel like I am on a deserted island. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. And 8 nieces and nephews but who sees mom and dad (they live in an addition to my house)--ME and only me. I asked for help this weekend and was told THIS IS YOUR CHOICE. I actually took 30 sleeping pills 2 days ago. I ended up throwing them up--that is how I am. Actually, I am blessed to be able to support my parents in this journey of the end stage of life.

You are right. My siblings should be beaten. But I cannot control them. It was a mixture of about 5 diff kinds. I had one thought in mind and then changed my mind

Ona, posted on your wall, but would appreciate more info on your dad... what stage is he in with Alz???? What are some of his issues and how are you having to help him... as far as your family is concerned Bilmo said it for us... but now we have to find a way to help YOU..... one thing at a time, one step at a time... get back with us and let us know more of your life... you are not alone, regardless if we are not in the room with you, we know how you feel... we do understand being that tired, that beat down, that powerless... so let us hear from you....

Happy to hear you changed your mind....

Ona, if you are still here, please go to the thread, Grossed Out and read the last post from JSomebody, she tells about her neighbor commiting suicide.... her post is very reflective and very real... for those left behind.... hugs.

I have been accused of being a gold digger and worse things by my in laws and i am still freaking tired...it has been a difficult week for all here at the house. the worst is my husband who refuses to under the seriousness of me being his caregiver and how if certain things are ignored i could be held accountable for manslaughter. I have also been told someone was gonna call adult protective services while I still have CPS coming down on me like crazy . then I went to y doctor he told me to get over the counter stuff thinking i am constipated and i also found another small lump on my right side barely less than the size of penny besides the cysts siting lower towards my hips. My migraines have gotten worse...so again the medical community is not listenting to me and I have idiots accusing me of not doing my job. I also plan to work work as a teachers aide this coming august cuz both of my kids will be in school to get extra money and then I need to totally pay off my credit card this month. Yet my husband wants to get upset because I am trying to improve my credit rating so I can better to afford to start paying off my school loans but i got the credit card for emergencies for his medical or to get my eye exam and glasses done which i need to do soon. I am so tired of having a migraine being exhausted etc etc.

Bill: Your comments crack me up. I'm glad you are here and liking everyone. Hugs, Cattails.

Hello cousin IT here, I'm exhausted again debated whether I had enough energy to say anything, but I see Peeweedeb was here today and I have wondered about you alot since I posted on your thread about what you were going to do when your Mom was gone. You disappeared! I'm so sorry you are going through rough times. I hope you will not let go of your man. Seventeen years is such along time, you will grieve and be even more depressed. Losing a love is heartbreaking even when the relationship is a bad one. I'm so glad you came here today. Burned I'm so sorry more shit is being dumped on you. I hope you get some real medical help soon, someone who will really listen to you. I don't remember the name correctly, but I think it was something like aaa and a number, I too have 2 brothers and 2 sister and 8 nieces and nephews and they don't visit either. I was totally pissed off on mothers day when not one grandchild called. I called my sister in FL and asked her if she was going to call mom, she said she had planned to but it was 4:00pm when I called. My sister I'm no longer speaking to snuck in after mid-night and left a bouquet of flowers. My brother who lives here didn't even get her a card. Bilmo I'm glad you found a new home here. I enjoy talking to you. I heard mom let out a terrible yell, and I thought for sure I would find her on the floor, but instead she was laying in bed having a meltdown saying "they are all dying, they are all dying". I'm saying what are you talking about, and she says Grey's Anatomy they are all left in a field from a plane crash and they are dying. She is in tears and says "I'm nothing, I'm nothing, people are having so many real problems, Nathan poor Nathan,(thats my nephew that was injured in Afghanistan by an IED). I was dumbstruck she has never acted like this before. I talked to her and she calmed down and said she new it was just a tv show. I think my Aunt dying last week is affecting her more than I thought it would. It was my dad's sister. I'm still a little stunned. I wonder is it was because the doctor took her off of to heart meds and put her on a stronger blood pressure pill? I wondered if she was saying she was nothing because she spent alot of time alone today while I planted the garden, then the neighbor came over as I was finishing and she usually stays till I tell her I have to call it a night. I tried to be more patient with her (the neighbor) because she was distraught over an ugly fight with her son in law. I'm thinking for my Moms sake I should try to patch things up with my sister. It will be a bitter pill to swallow. I told her I no longer wanted anything to do with her because she couldn't help me out one day a week with mom so I could have a whole day off to myself. I also told her I wanted to give her back everything she gave me cause I didn't want gifts I wanted her time. I can't even begin to tell you all the things she said to me. I know I threw the first punch, but she beat the shit out of me in response. So much so that I came to this site telling you all I had wanted to end it all. I thank God you started this thread Jam. I am still fairly new here, but I hope all the new people will keep coming back. Love and blessing to you all. Off subject, can any one tell me where the moon has been for the last two weeks, I havn't seen it since the supermoon. I've seen lots of bright flashing "stars" bobbing and weaving around, but no moon. Is it normal? I know I've left people out I havn't learned eveyone quite yet, but I just thought of Stormy, I'm praying for your dad. Goodnight everyone, and a better tomorrow for us all I pray.

Vivian, my heart goes out to you. I've had some ups and downs with my sis too. She was going to be here at Spring break and give us a couple days off. She made a big point of saying that over and over. Now, she was going to be here last Thanksgiving, but didn't come and then she said Christmas and didn't come. Guess what, after 3 months of saying I'll be there during Spring break, she didn't come. She never called and said she wasn't coming, just quit talking about it.

In all fairness to her, she lives in California (I'm in Washington) and she's a teachers aid. So not a lot of money in her pocket. I used to pay her way up here, but after several years it became too costly for me. One time she called me and said she needed to bring her daughter with her because she didn't like some of her friends and didn't want her hanging out with them while she was gone. She needed me to buy Amy's ticket too, but said Amy got paid that week and she'd reimburse me when they arrived. So I'm out $700.00 for air fare and of course I never got reimbursed. That's not the first time that happened, but I don't buy tickets anymore. My sis is not a bad person, it's just that you can't count on her.

Tough dilemma Vivian. Sounds like your sister hurt you very deeply. Still, if you could patch things up it might be of benefit to your mom. Give it some thought. Maybe she's sorry for what she said to you. Since she's so good with gifts, maybe she could pay for some respite care.

Hope you get a good nights sleep. Hugs, Cattails.

I think it was my neighbor not sure but my husband case manager came to our place for her every 3 month visit to check on things then mention that the clinic is barely a smidgen from calling APS to make sure he is safe etc like CPS is doing keeping my case open cuz of some brown nosing person I refuse to associate with who has a severe drug addiction. Also at the same time this is happening ...I have a sister in law whose own children won't take care of her and her ex husband is a good man but couldn't handle her bipolar ; besides some other things. They have been freezing us out because they do not like the truth I guess. I do my job well and raise my two children fine...I cannot help this happen to my husband of nearly 12 yrs and he is young but not in his 50's yet. Still I find alot of what the heck I have to go thru this crap and I am just fed up with all of it. I need a second job to help my family more financially because as his caregiver i am not getting paid much. I am payee for my husband's ssdi and I got nearly everything financial transferred to me but TG for friends. I get no breaks and I have to raise kids...I have to do whole lot but as I informed my husband if he keeps refusing to listen to reason which makes things harder sometimes but he also has epilepsy. If he has seizure lasting more than 5 mins and I do not call the paramedics I could be arrested for manslaughter because it is called abuse and then the thin line would be murder and I do not have a mean bone in my body. I have putting up with a lot crazy bs because of ignorance and misunderstanding but what is worse is my own doctor is not listening to me so how can a woman who has gallstones and cysts be experiencing abdominal pain and act like it is nothing. Then I have some doctor saying my husband is faking his seizures but how can someone with a neurological disorder fake something most things are impossible to fake. I cant get quit smoking aid to stop smoking period. The cycle goes around and around. I am tired of being ignored and I am tired of ppl in the medical profession trying to make me look like the bad guy. Amazingly with all this bullshit going on I havent had a heart attack or a stroke myself. I can't afford a elder care lawyer to protect myself and him. I already have MPA done and in his file but hasn't been invoked cuz he is still competent yet he doesnt listen to me when he seriously needs to go to the hospital. I have too much BS and not enough time to be creative or write. I am barely mentally enough to handle it all yet I am doing it. So yes am I upsetl...I am beyond it. I am tired of not being able to monitor my own health and I am tired of my migraines getting worse. I a

I AM TIRED OF BEING TIRED and I am not pleased with how its suppose to be and what it isn't. This is the most I have posted in a long time so ...really say whatever ya think of my situation but spouses and ppl who do this for a living goi thru living hell. I am gonna watch one more movie and go to bed. At least next wk I get paid for peanuts and turn in my other application. I am thick skinned and but I miss writing and I havent been able to knit or crochet in a good long while...just too busy doing other ppl's job in an economy that doesn't care about the little ppl period but I will defend what i write like anyone here but this is a place to vent and blow steam n make new friends...so if i disappear for a while just pray for my family and I will do my best to keep you all in my prayers.

Good morning Ya'll. my sweet grandangel will be here this weekend and friends coming in from out of town... haven't had anything to look forward to for so long, feels good to have my mind on this weekends' adventures instead of gloom, doom and my mind racing in circles about how TIRED I am.... whine whine whine...and no cheese...
Bilmo, the whole thing about cousins started when I said Notlike's Mom and M are sisters, so that made her and I cousins.....then Viv volunteered to be Cousin IT, I'll let her explain...lol... and you can be Uncle Fester if you want, or give it time and we'll nick name you.....
I hope each and every one of you get some kind of pleasant surprise this weekend... be it only 27 trips to the bathroom as opposed to 47, or a detour with the questions being asked over and over.... my sweet little man S had a birthday yesterday.... told him Happy Birthday, he smiled and asked, is it really my birthday,,, Yes sir... it is.... how old am I?? 84..... well damn I'm lucky to still be here.... that man makes me smilel... M on the other hand.. uh well, ya'll all have heard that story.... she can't help it i guess, but mercy, just grateful to not see the world as she does.....
So will keep ya'll posted as to how many hours my grandangel spends in the pool, guests are getting a hotel room , so swimming for everyone, even son has decided that sounds good for all the broken bones...
Hugs across the miles to ya'll, check in later.... love ya

Good Morning...........y'all have my head spinning this morning.........POOF!!!! Now we're all sitting in our chairs on the beach, on our very own Caribbean island, sipping something fruity, for those who want a little splash of something extra...enjoy.....being waited on by cabana boys and girls.....the sun shining in our faces......while our loved ones are behind the fence we put around Wyoming, being tended to by all the ungrateful sibs, children, grandchildren, girlfriends, boyfriends and anyone else who has ever peed in our Wheaties!

Welcome to our new posters......I will address each one specifically when you post more just rest assured I know you are here and have read your story.....

burned......whew!!!!! Might I suggest something? It seems like you are dealing with so many different things at once and you are just slipping around and getting nothing accomplished. If you aren't happy with any diagnosis from hubby's doctor, then change doctors. You say hubby has seizures, but doctor says no. Has he ever mentioned pseudo-seizures? You state that the Power of Attorney cannot be invoked yet....why is that? If hubby is ill and won't allow himself to be hospitalized, then he is not making a rational decision, thus you can step in. Does his doctor feel he needs to be admitted? Why don't you put hubby into a facility for a month or two until you can get everything taken care of.....CPS and unruly children, and nasty neighbors and other things you are dealing with right now. Just some thoughts.
stormy.......let us know about Dad........
CMag......don't try to project into the future because you will soon find yourself dwelling on "is it going to be today"......none of us know when our time will come....only the Man Upstairs has the inside scoop. My mother's husband didn't prepare for her....such as put her on his military retirement benefits because they were convinced she would go first.....she outlived him by eight years. Glad to hear you are feeling better....now you will probably have more energy.....how's the man cave?

Talked with the col last night...she is now starting to invent her own language...fascinating!!! But I have to laugh because Target still looks at her from a clinical viewpoint and I keep telling him "go to her world".....it makes more sense. She hasn't seen any old friends or family lately and I guess Elvis left the building permanently.......
Target has been craving fish.....for those who don't know....husband has had a non-functioning gallbladder since the first of the year....doctors are crappy patients....and finally got him to see his doctor and get the darn thing removed in April.....he hadn't eaten for about 4 months and with his appetite back.........lock the pantry doors!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, fish...so I asked......"what, you want me to throw a line in the pond?" no Capt Disease will do..............ewwwwwwwww! So off to town I will go in a bit. And besides it's too hot to stand on the edge of the pond.

Wishing you all a happy, happy Friday and hope you can find something pleasant just for yourselves today that you don't have to share with anyone else.........

Happy Trails,
Mother Hen :)

Jam-we all wish the lazy, ungreatful, and dreaded family members of the ppl we care for would be in our shoes 1 day...but we all know they couldnt handle it, a caregiver is a caregiver for a reason..its in our heart, we love our ppl we care for, and we even enjoy it...if we didnt we would walk away. I would have it no other way my grandparents will be here with me till the end!!!

Good mornin everyone :-) hope you all have a wonderful day...be positive and smile because your a great person!!!!

I have to wait for two doctors to agree before they will let me take over. He is in mental behavioral therapy and seeing a therapist. He has passed cognitive screening well so they see no way of letting me help " take over" his medical conditions and decisions. I have tried to switch his primary several times and then she comes in to take over. He is has a cardiologist and neurologist...i tough love him all the time and tell him he must go but he doesnt want to travel out of town to see the specialist but he is going to see the lung doctor. He is super paranoid and thinks I am gonna to place him in a facility. He thinks i am going to throw in him in a NH and forget about him. I am renewing his longterm care. I am also hoping to get a second job so i can get a caregiver to look after him during the day so i can work outside the house and still do what i am doing but even with keeping my fingers crossed and praying..its doubtful i can get this job. just total crazy and I can't keep this up. I miss doing fun things but the pile of shit gets deeper.

Peeweedeb: I've been thinking about you and wondering how your mom is getting along. I posted on your wall the other day. About your long time boyfriend. It's been 17 years and he's been through so much with you. Lots of people have spouses or partners that are wonderful through the good times, but can't handle the bad times so well. It sounds like your man sticks with you through thick and thin. That's a valuable relationship.

You are under so much strain with your mom and your emotions are all other the place. Is it possible for you to get some counseling and/or some depression medication. Maybe you have already done this.

From what you have said in your past posts, your mom has cancer and it is advanced. I know it breaks your heart, but your mom will not be with you forever. Your boyfriend could be in your life for years to come.

You have taken care of so many people in your life. I hope you can get some help in taking care of you. You deserve all happiness and sunshine. Don't mean to stick my nose in your business. Just hoping love and happiness for you.

Hugs, Cattails

Burned: If you feel your husband has to go to the hospital and he won't go, then call an ambulance. If he declines the ambulance, at least you have documentation that you tried to do what was right for him, If the paramedics with the ambulance check him over and agree that he should go to the hospital, and your hubby still refuses to go, then you have some hard proof that he is not using good judgement.

You've said before that you don't get along with his doctor and that she will not allow you to change him to another physician. (The arsenic issue) If your husband is deemed competent, why can't he insist that this doctor be replaced. Would he prefer a different doctor?

You have so much on your plate. Hugs, Cattails

You can certainly change docs -people do it all the time and if your husband will not back you up -that is sad since you are doing everything to keep your family together-it is not up to the doc who you use she does not have that power-maybe you need to be made his qardian-it sounds like your husband is making things worse then they need to be.

Austin: Burned can't just change his doc without his approval. If he is competent, she can't be his guardian. So far he is deemed competent, so her hands are tied.

Burned: Do you think your husband's paranoia about being placed makes him distrust your desire for a different doc?

Bilmo, I feel this is so appropriate for all you've been thru lately, but here on YOU when someome posts and it ends in double 0's you win a prize... a cow pattie.... it's a long long story, how it came about... I live in tex, have a crush on Gary Busey, ... and it all evolved.... it really is a cherished prize here... so .... TAAAA DAAAA , you won the cow pattie.... Jam can explain it better than me.... Stormyyyyy, has won the last few so you let us know how you feel about this prize.... hugs....