This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Jam started this thread because we needed a place to talk about US, to be honest and say how we really feel, yes , and on some days to say we don't want to do this anymore... we can't do this anymore... and we have been loved and supported in our choices....
This thread was a life saver as my lady Ruth passed away 8 days before Jam started this thread.... have been here ever since.... was here before on another thread, but circumstances presented themselves for the begining of this one...
Just can't keep an old caregiver down.... many memories for me today, good, bad and ugly... so, enjoy this safe place that our Caregiver Warrior Jam made for us, and have a blessed and safe day.... hugs across the miles to you all....
Welcome cougar.....vent away, this is a good place to do that. I'm sorry you are having those feelings about future care for Mom. You've done your time, so to speak, now it's time to let someone else take some of the burden. The only thing I can see that you might want to work on is allowing Mom to MAKE you feel guilty.....the key word here is allow....if you don't want to feel that way, you won't. When they get her sodium level under control, she will mellow out because right now she is sick, plain and simple. When sodium levels in the body are low, water tends to enter cells which causes them to swell. When it happens in the brain, it is called cerebral edema. It's dangerous because the brain is confined in the skull without room for expansion, and the swelling can lead to brain damage as the pressure increases within the skull. In chronic hyponatremia symptoms can be very nonspecific and might include headache, confusion, seizures and eventually coma if left untreated. Remember that transitioning Mom from home to advanced care isn't a sign of failure.....it's a sign that you recognize your limitations, that you love her and want only the best of care for her. You deserve the opportunity to have a life for yourself.....don't wait until you have lost the chance.
stormy......the pleural effusion is a build-up of fluid in the lining between the lungs and the chest wall cavity. It is usually secondary to something else. Keep us informed.
Nothing significant going on in my little corner of the universe....wishing all a great day!
Think dad is going down down physically..these last few days he although he is alert every time he eats his bowels move and too soft..can't control. He feels lke he is losing weight steadily. He is in good spirits though so I am grateful.
May the Lord lift us today to revel in His glory..
I'm so SOrry To hear your having a bad time Billl!!! I hope things get better for you Yeah I know how those siblings are its my inlaws Im caring for MIL. The dAughter & her hubby pulled up with MIL Ice cream I have dinner cooking oh well !!! Im like you JUst glad to see her leaving Feel sorry for him He lives with her lol Everytime my hubby (her lil brother) goes off on her . Her husband says he has to pay for it...Oh Well She is a beautitian (spelling ??) All I kept hearing her worry about was when she will be able to get back to put a rinse on mothers hair...Like My MIL has even combed her own hair If I didnt do it lord Ill Just shut up right now worthless is all I can say Bilmo About Siblings that just come & go or dont come at all..WORTHLESS!!!
JAM THANK YOU for starting thread Id be in bed or on couch all day if it wasnt for this site(Your threrad)....Because of it ive met some great people to...
cattails ,,,burned,,, austin and vic and ladee and billmo and soooo many more.
Thank you again Aging Care........you have been a lifeline for so many care givers!!
BS0213......I truly sympathize with you....I also have back problems and it was all I could do to bend and do other things for my mil when she was still here. It was such a relief when my husband decided enough was enough. Does your husband do the heavy lifting and turning for you? Tell us more so we know how nosy we can get.....:)
Bilmo..........here is the crux of the whole situation............WE ALL KNOW that the chances of siblings picking up and taking on the burden of care giving AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN. Now that's not to say there aren't a lot of care givers out there who have wonderful, helpful siblings. In the real world there is a care giver who doesn't have time for themselves any longer because they are too busy running back and forth to the bathroom, cleaning poop off the ceiling and not saying a word about how it got there, making dr appts and meeting themselves coming and going, missing meals, missing children and grandchildren growing up, letting their own health fail, missing work or quitting altogether, being ill but putting that on the back burner and any other number of self-sacrifices. Being in a child's home isn't the only solution. Care facilities were created for a purpose, but so often the "child" is made to feel guilty for even considering placing their loved one. And yes I know there are some homes that I wouldn't give two cents for.....but there are some excellent homes that will provide love and caring and the physical side of care giving that is taking such a toll on us, the family member. Case in point, the home my mil is in is the same one my own mother was in. On the national nursing home rating site, out of a 5-star rating, this home has 4. It is clean, the staff is friendly and loving toward their charges, I have never seen a resident dirty or neglected. They are fed 3 meals a day, there are machines if they want pop or chips when the kitchen is closed, but if they want something else the staff will get it for them. There is some type of entertainment daily. Once a month, mil has her hair done and gets a manicure. The difference between my mom and mil? Mom was there as a Medicaid patient......the private billing for the mil is $5000/mo, but there is absolutely not one bit of difference in their care. All I'm saying is that there are alternatives out there and no one should be afraid to seek those out. No amount of crying, begging or pleading is going to bring a sibling into realizing their help is needed if they don't want to give it. A few months ago I asked the question, when we were discussing "ugly siblings".......just who IS the smart one in this whole situation?
Went to the cemetery today and put flowers on the gravesite's of the col's husband, her mother and stepfather. Then went to visit with the col. Again she was going to show us how well she can get up and walk. Then we told her we had put flowers out and she asked "on who's grave"? Target said Dad's......and she said "who? That's his son"......I explained to her who we were talking about by using his first name and I swear she didn't know who I meant! They were married for 52 years when he passed away....so sad to know that she doesn't remember him.
Hope today has been good to all of you......my thoughts are with you!
Am going to FB and take a look, thanks AC for letting the world know caregivers are human, millions of us, and no help..... that we do have feelings, we are tired, and leaning toward silly most days, at least in my case.....
welcome to the new folks.... it feels good just to put it down for a few minutes doesn't it.... hope ya'll return and let us know how you are.....
My poor little S, he is in a downard spiral.... he has that vacant look, have not seen it before today.... I HATE ALZ..... WITH A PASSION... it is taking one of the most loving and sweet men in the universe and turning him into a shadow, and he is so lost.... breaks my heart.... deep breaths here..... I truly live my little S Man.... truly do.....
Love and hugs to ya'll. will post more later...
I did read through all the posts...let me say I am sending hugs to all of you, and you make me smile. A few highlights...
Beck-loved the poem. :)
Ladee-hair today, gone tomorrow! I consider hair changes as attitude adjustments. Which is probably why last time I got a cut, the lady said it's in the computer that I change my mind alot! Oh yeah.
Stormy - prayers for you and your Dad.
Lindy-good to see you. Glad your Mom is getting decent care.
Jam-my forever gratefulness to you for starting this thread. My lifeline. Sorry to hear the Col is declining more. Hugs.
I filled out the papers for FMLA. I didn't realize you could take it in small bunches, like when I have to be a doctor's appointments. Now I'll have legal protection from my one creeepy coworker.
My big news? I joined a gym today! The calorie counting thing is only getting me so far. So I'm going to try this. It's month to month, so I won't have to pay forever when I give it up LOL. And it's a real reason to get out of this house sometimes. I can't keep hiding downstairs and eating Doritos!
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
hugs to ya..... later...
My prayers r with all of you...and that includes u...BILMO...lol..relax..pleeez don't re-quote me and post it with a response..haha jst take it for wat it is...friendship! Hugs all
Well I've decided that as long as the Drs say it's ok I'm going to bring her home when she gets out. My brothers and sister have talked to me about what is going on and I need to clear some things up from my rant my sister isn't able to take care of my Mom even if she wanted to because she has kidney failure, congestive heart failure, and other health issues and is living with her son and his family. The oldest of my older brothers is on the verge of bankruptcy and can't afford the gas to drive the 2 hrs to get down here. And the younger of the two older brothers has blood clots in his leg from an accident back in the 90's that go from his ankle to his groin, and is coming up on his 1 year anniversary for a bone marrow transpant for bone cancer. So their not really in an shape to help me out.
Anyway we have talked and we're going to try and get her to fill out a power of attorney so that when the time comes we can sell the house to pay for long term care. Either that or I'm going to see if she would be willing to sell the house now and I'll buy a condo for us to live in and put the money from the sale of the house aside for her future care. But they are more than willing to help out when the time comes to get everything in order. Well I better go and love up my cats who are feeling very neglected right now.
But thanks for everything! I think that this site is going to help me out alot.
Beck, so refreshing to hear someone say they have a supportive sib... you are blessed girl.... hope you had a good day.... love and hugs....
Gonna call it a night, love and hugs across the miles...