This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
How long has your mom lived with you. What's her age and her mental state. Is she just beginning with the dementia or is it more advanced? Is she mentally competent. What are her other health issues? Do you have financial and medical POA for her? Is your brother included or can he be added it your mom ends up in Montana.
It's pretty normal for elders to fight placement or relocating from their friends and home locations. If you can give us a little more info, answer the questions I've asked, I think you will get some excellent suggestions.
BY THE WAY: I tried to post my response to the separate thread where you posted this question and it wouldn't allow me to do so. Said the thread no longer existed or had been removed. Maybe a glitch in the system. But that's why it reads the way it does.... Best wishes Cattails
And I completely get what you are saying about not putting Mom in an Alz or memory care unit with your dad.... Keeping him at home as long as Mom can handle it is the best plan... some are able to stay until the end... it will depend on circumstances..... Health issues and whether or not you or a paid caregiver can be there, in other words, someone around 24/7.... it is so sad to watch, that's why I say we loose them twice... once to Alz. then the real end.... my heart hurts for you Beck, I do understand how you feel ....and you are right too that mom may not get her way... praying for her to have an open mind to at least hear what you have to say and for her to be more aware of options.... just messed up all the way around isn't it... keep us posted.... hugs across the miles to you...
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Beck, you have a long road ahead of you. It's wonderful that you have the chance to consolidate households, but it will take time. In the meantime, you are going to have to deal with your dad's illness a day at a time.
You can't make the change of housing go any faster than it can. Just take a step at a time. Those steps will add up and move you along.
Love and Blessings, Cattails
Beck: Here's how I see it and I don't mean to upset you. Eventually, your dad will pass away or reach a point where he can no longer live at home. Your job is to keep things together as much as you can, but you can't do more than is possible. What you can do is love your parents. If your dad passes or ends up in a facility, then your mom will have the comfort of you and your husband being at her side and taking her to see your dad or visit his grave.
I know this sounds harsh, but you are here to deal with reality and love your parents through that reality. They will never be alone if you are there to love them and guide them, wherever that leads.
Just be your loving self. It's sad and you can cry all you need too. That's a good thing. Your heart will warm their old bones and they will feel comfort at having you near. What more could any parent hope for?
Love Ya, Beck. Cattails
beck-blessings to you. Even though you are in a tight spot right now, trying to make the living arrangements work out, please remember that we can only do the best with what we've got. If your Dad is getting worse, maybe you can get a paid caregiver for part of the day, or temporarily move him to your home, or stay with him in his. Think outside the box, at least until all your boxes get lined up! Hugs.
I'll be at the gym tonight. When I can't push anymore, Ladee's hug will make me do that one extra rep. Thanks, hon!
Dad has a follow up appointment today with the C-pap doctor. I'm less concerned about that then about getting a chance to talk with him without Mom around. She threw a small hissy fit yesterday, so I'm wondering what happened while I was at work. Hmmm.....
potpot, hope you come back and tell us more about your situation.... hugs to you.
Beck, hope today is a better day for you, and if not, feel it till it doesn't hurt so bad....tell your sis how grateful I am ya'll are there for each other.....I HATE ALZ....
MRI for son's leg tomorrow.... I know he is so ready for this to be over, going on the third month and they are just now getting the special crutches for him to walk with a broken right arm and broken left leg.... not too steady on his feet.... I know he will do a little better mentally if he can get outside sometimes....Have rigged up a way to wash his hair and for him to take a good sponge bath, he told me yesterday he'd give his pain meds for a shower.... lol...
M is going to spin like a top when I tell her today I have to be off tomorrow. One day at a yard sale I found this little 4"x4" pillow that says 'It's all about me" and gave it to my son, he told me yesterday I could have it to give to M !!!!!!!
Hope everyone is ok, not everyone checking in... Stormy , prayers for your dad.... I know I haven't addressed everyone, don't have the energy to go back and read... so just know ya'll are thought about during my day, prayers sent when I do think of you....
Onward thru the fog.... hugs across the miles...