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Hi Pink: I've read your other posts so I just want to recap what you have said previously and go from there. Your mom is living with you and has AZ. You are on family leave from your job and need to go back to work. You are your husband also want to leave NY and move to Florida, but you need to get mom settled first.

How long has your mom lived with you. What's her age and her mental state. Is she just beginning with the dementia or is it more advanced? Is she mentally competent. What are her other health issues? Do you have financial and medical POA for her? Is your brother included or can he be added it your mom ends up in Montana.

It's pretty normal for elders to fight placement or relocating from their friends and home locations. If you can give us a little more info, answer the questions I've asked, I think you will get some excellent suggestions.

BY THE WAY: I tried to post my response to the separate thread where you posted this question and it wouldn't allow me to do so. Said the thread no longer existed or had been removed. Maybe a glitch in the system. But that's why it reads the way it does.... Best wishes Cattails
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Hi Pink.....what is mom's mental status? Have you talked with her about the possibility of living near her son? Is she her own guardian or does someone have POA? These things will impact what can be done and by whom. You mention a way to do it without fighting you every step of the way.....so it's safe to assume this has already come up? Sometimes for their own safety it simply boils down to the fact that they don't have a choice anymore, which makes it hard because as I've mentioned elsewhere, no one wants to leave the place they have found comfort for years. If you're just wondering about the easiest way to get her there.....Southwest Airlines and 3 hrs would have her in Montana. If she is over 75 yrs old, then she can fly on a reduced fare to save money. Would it be feasible for you to accompany her before you go back to work? It sounds like you and brother are on the same page so this transition might be easier than you think. Let us know how things turn out....sending you a hug!
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I'm here. Just tired. Hugs to all. Thursday will be my first night at the gym. Must sleep first! LOL
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ok being hubby's new payee i have to pay social security back and how can i do that without getting into the kids CD because they want to know how much we spent for the kids when he was still payee. I had to use that money for rent and pay the bills. right now I am working as a caregiver plus trying to pick up an extra job to do the right thing any advice for some of us who actually been thru this ...because I am still new this payee status and handling the insurance...etc i just need advice before they start deducting his ssdi check...pls pass info to me. very important...
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Burned: You have to pay SS back for what? The kids CD?
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Not asking if you have to pay ss back for the kids CD. Just asking you to explain what you are talking about. I didn't know you had a CD for your kids. What's the problem with you being payee and how does that change anything?
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i am the kids payee and my husband payee rep....well they are asking him for payment for switching ...which i do not understand but i have everything placed in my name cuz of the forced spend down they put him on to continue LTC...ok well ssa is demanding that he pay back the 3,800 each that kids recieved on his settlement. I am the guardian and the cd's are in their name as minors besides having their own savings account according to az state law...what i do not get since payee status was switched and he can't take any money out why they want me to pay them back when i am working as his aide...so yes I am at a loss trying to figure this out but my next step is call them because the money went to their needs and rent and utilities until i became his caregiver and that is nearly 7,600 combined ...so tell me how do i fix this and get it settled ...need some serious advice from experienced folks who dealt with this situation..
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burned: I would suggest finding a lawyer (or legal aid agency) that deals with ssa who will talk to you for free or very low cost for the first hour. Another thing to look into is contacting a law school in AZ and see if they have any free advice from there. they may have free advice sessions where the law students/professors answer questions. Just a thought. Hope all goes well.
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Good morning all...I have a question that is open to anyones response...Is it actually possible to see extreme cognitive changes in a person suffering with AZ, from week to week? My dads progression seems to be going so quickly. I really thought that this was more of a very slow progressing disease. He seems to be getting more and more confused with each day and the strain is building very fast for my mom. I'm not sure i will even have enough time to get them moved out of the house. I'm really scared..Any advice?
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beck...good morning to you also.....it's possible to see cognitive changes in the span of one day. With dementia, anything is possible. Tomorrow Dad may have a lucid day and you're going to be questioning your own sanity at that point! It sounds like Dad is progressing into the need for more daily assistance. Have you given any thought to looking into facilities that have apartments where the residents can live independently yet help is close at hand if needed? There is a NH in my area like that....assisted living and skilled care in the front, along the back of the building are apartments, with their own parking space and entry doors, but staff is still available if needed. Just a thought. I know this is tough and I would love to be able to tell you it's all going to be better.....unfortunately we all know this disease only goes down, never up......sending a hug so you will know you are thought of today!
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Jam..thanku for your ideas. The problem i'm having is that my mother, whom still very sharp and in fairly good health is.... and here's the hard part for me......EXTREMELY private. She refuses to discuss any option that requires NA assistance. We have something similar here re: independent living, but it's all a residence that primarily deals with AZ/dementia patients, and my mom would never survive the surroundings. I kno she sounds difficult,but I,m trying to be as empathetic to her as possible. I'm afraid that if i put them in such a facility my moms mental n physical condition will decline rapidly. She wants to b as close to me n my husband and i want to make that work for her. I feel so overwhelmed becuz i have to make a decision, but mom blocks me at every turn..Don't miss-understand me... I love my mother so very much. She's been so wonderful to me all my life..She's an amazing woman. I jst want to b able to make things happen the way she wants. I'll jst keep keepin on...right? Thanks, my friend, for the help...and huge hugs to you..
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Beck, also , just to be on the safe side, when there is abrupt change, have him tested for UTI.... because they can not tell us what is wrong, I insist on this with S as his decline has worseneded in the past month... no UTI, but better safe than sorry.... what I see in S is possible TIA's.... but he is having a lot of confusion he din't have last week...He is shuffling when he walks, swears his back doesn't hurt. it's so difficult when you see something different and they can't tell you... he has a vacant look in his eyes that has not been there before either....his day started good and he went down hill from there....S has had Alz for the past 8 yrs that they know of...
And I completely get what you are saying about not putting Mom in an Alz or memory care unit with your dad.... Keeping him at home as long as Mom can handle it is the best plan... some are able to stay until the end... it will depend on circumstances..... Health issues and whether or not you or a paid caregiver can be there, in other words, someone around 24/7.... it is so sad to watch, that's why I say we loose them twice... once to Alz. then the real end.... my heart hurts for you Beck, I do understand how you feel ....and you are right too that mom may not get her way... praying for her to have an open mind to at least hear what you have to say and for her to be more aware of options.... just messed up all the way around isn't it... keep us posted.... hugs across the miles to you...
A
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Ladee..i did have dad tested for the UTI, and he was clear, and I also found out last week at his urologist appt that the bladder meds he had been taking to help with incontinence can include side affects where u notice cognitive changes. The dr said that it could b adding to his confusion, but not by much. What's much tho, wen ur talking about AZ! I got him off it asap, becuz i'll take watever and whenever i can look into my dads eyes and know that he's with me. I pray every moment of everyday that we can share that "look", even if it's only once. I can't believe that my daddy is gone. I wish i was 10 yrs old, if only for a day. I'm not doing so well, at the moment, so i'll check back later..love ya, Ladee
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I don't know if i can handle my husbands mood swings, I told the doctor about him but he never did anything. His mother has Alzheimers and he is getting the same way. Only he drinks on top of it. I gave him his pills in a cupand took them to him, he comes in when I am in the shower and asked if he took my pills and he did, they were in another room. I can't say anything to him he gets mad and says he made a mistake for marrying me, 33 yrs. ago. I told him 3 times about what the doctor said in 2 days he asked me again! He leaves his car keys in the car all night but don't know where they are. And many other things he does, What can I do his stress gets me in pain, I have RA and bad back problems.
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Bilmo...thanks for the "practicing without a license" reminder, but let me jst assure u that I would never put my father in medical danger by taking away medication without his drs notification n approval. I will absolutely not get a new doctor, thanks...definately not a good day for that post..You might want to talk to ur dr about increasing ur meds..peace
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Bilmo....sry....real bad day...apologies
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Bilmo...after re-reading ur post, i realized that i took it completely out of context, n misunderstood what you were saying...then i tagged your response post to potpot for me and "that's all she wrote"..I hope i don't receive a "cyberspace drive-by"!!!!! My God....i jst want this day to end..watever way possible...peace
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Beck, what you are feeling is normal and yes when we are raw we have knee jerk reactions... no harm done... no cyber drive by's allowed here..... you are so sad and angry and powerless right now.... it's just LARGE no matter what... this is hard for you to watch... and it makes it even harder because you are so close to your dad, same for Vickie Vic... common sense says it's not time to grieve, but we do, it's just hard to watch....loosing them twice.... caregiving is not for the weak willed or thin skinned that 's for sure.... just feel what you need to feel, don't stuff it somewhere it will only come back up at times when you least expect it... my heart hurts for you.... know that you are not alone, I am with you in spirit giving you a heartfelt hug.... praying for you to allow yourself to feel this, no magic fairy dust to make this go away.... you are loved, appreciated, and you are not alone.... hugs to you , and glad to know you feel we are 'neighbors'... that makes me smile.... just keep telling us what is going on... no one has to be 'brave' here, just human.... sending you angels to lighten you load....
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Bilmo...thanks!
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Ladee'.....Thanku for your post. I think today is the first time i've allowed myself to feel the reality of the loss. I called my sis in Colorado, and we cried about the dad we once had...cried for my mom....cried for each other...... the angels have landed...between u n Bilmo...load has been lightened..Much love
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Much love back atcha Beck....
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Beck: Sweetheart, you are such a good soul and I just want you to know I think the world of you. I have read your posts and realize how hard you are trying to make things good for your parents.

Beck, you have a long road ahead of you. It's wonderful that you have the chance to consolidate households, but it will take time. In the meantime, you are going to have to deal with your dad's illness a day at a time.

You can't make the change of housing go any faster than it can. Just take a step at a time. Those steps will add up and move you along.

Love and Blessings, Cattails
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Thanku Cattails for ur beautiful message. I know that i can't change the pace of this consolidating households, and i'm trying to think things thru as i go along. I'm afraid of the day that Dad is gone..I'm having a very difficult time accepting that reality and i think that i jst really allowed myself to stop long enough today, and the flood gates were opened. I will do all that i can for my parents....i will join Dad in his new world whenever we're together, but most importantly, I always show him the respect that he so deserves, never humilate him or embarrass him. This disease has already taken so much from my father, but it can't have that..at least i can control that. I think i may b babbling..im sry..i jst wanted to say thanku for your words. So many wonderful people are here for me, and we've never met, but we all live the life of a caregiver.
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I wanted to send hugs to u Cattail before i finished my post, but accidentally submitted it before i was done...anyway...must be all the tears of the day...much love to you and huge hugs...thanks again for everything
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Hey everyone- Dad is home from the hospital, he got home last night. They done a chest xray and found that he had a large pleural effusion (fluid on the right lung) same side where his tumor was. They drained 2 liters of fluid off of his lung. They still have not told us much about the fluid and how it looked. They are waiting for cultures and analysis to get back. They said that the fluid had dads lung compressed so they done another chest x ray after draining the fluid and said his lung looked alright. Then tuesday the dr did a bronoscopy and when he looked down dads trach he said that about 3 or 4 inches below where his stoma is that on the side it looked inflamed or distorded. And when he touched that side with the tube/camera it started bleeding so he thinks that is where the blood was coming from. Also he said that he thinks it looks that way because of the radiation that dad had 2 years ago to the neck area. They done a ct scan and said that looked fine. So really all we are waiting on now is the fluid results from his lungs. And he has a appt with his regular lung dr june the 6th. And he will have the results for us hopefully. The only other thing that the dr said about the fluid was that it looked like it could be some infection/inflammation going on. So really that is all i know right now. Today he was complaining some with his shoulders or across his shoulders hurting. He has alot of moles on his shoulders and back and he was telling me that the moles were hurting him. I've heard of a mole hurting but not several or alot at one time. What about ya'll. If i hear of anything else i will keep ya'll posted. Love and hugs stormyyy
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Stormy..i'll be praying for u n ur family. Praying for positive results!! God Bless
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Beck: You just go on loving your dad and respecting him. Keep loving your mom too. This has to be such a difficult time for them. Your mom may only share with you when she is at her wits end, so take that into consideration. She's at he wit's end and can only take in a small amount of what you offer.

Beck: Here's how I see it and I don't mean to upset you. Eventually, your dad will pass away or reach a point where he can no longer live at home. Your job is to keep things together as much as you can, but you can't do more than is possible. What you can do is love your parents. If your dad passes or ends up in a facility, then your mom will have the comfort of you and your husband being at her side and taking her to see your dad or visit his grave.

I know this sounds harsh, but you are here to deal with reality and love your parents through that reality. They will never be alone if you are there to love them and guide them, wherever that leads.

Just be your loving self. It's sad and you can cry all you need too. That's a good thing. Your heart will warm their old bones and they will feel comfort at having you near. What more could any parent hope for?

Love Ya, Beck. Cattails
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potpot-welcome, and please keep coming back. It sounds like you have alot of stress going on right now. Others here know more about AZ than me, but I do know if you are seeing these things in your husband, it's time to find a doctor who will listen and help. Maybe one who specializes in the disease, or one who works with people who may have it (gerantologist). If you've had 33 good years together, his anger now may just be a symptom of his illness, not really personal to you. Hugs, and please let us know how you are doing.
beck-blessings to you. Even though you are in a tight spot right now, trying to make the living arrangements work out, please remember that we can only do the best with what we've got. If your Dad is getting worse, maybe you can get a paid caregiver for part of the day, or temporarily move him to your home, or stay with him in his. Think outside the box, at least until all your boxes get lined up! Hugs.
I'll be at the gym tonight. When I can't push anymore, Ladee's hug will make me do that one extra rep. Thanks, hon!
Dad has a follow up appointment today with the C-pap doctor. I'm less concerned about that then about getting a chance to talk with him without Mom around. She threw a small hissy fit yesterday, so I'm wondering what happened while I was at work. Hmmm.....
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Notlike, there is no such thing as a 'small' hissy fit... and you know that....it sends ripples out into the universe that cause things to happen to happy people, not good things....I'll be thinking of you at the gym tonight.... just try to keep the grunting and OMG's to a minimum until they get used to you there....it requires sweating, so I'm not up for that.... Texas summers take care of that for me..
potpot, hope you come back and tell us more about your situation.... hugs to you.
Beck, hope today is a better day for you, and if not, feel it till it doesn't hurt so bad....tell your sis how grateful I am ya'll are there for each other.....I HATE ALZ....
MRI for son's leg tomorrow.... I know he is so ready for this to be over, going on the third month and they are just now getting the special crutches for him to walk with a broken right arm and broken left leg.... not too steady on his feet.... I know he will do a little better mentally if he can get outside sometimes....Have rigged up a way to wash his hair and for him to take a good sponge bath, he told me yesterday he'd give his pain meds for a shower.... lol...
M is going to spin like a top when I tell her today I have to be off tomorrow. One day at a yard sale I found this little 4"x4" pillow that says 'It's all about me" and gave it to my son, he told me yesterday I could have it to give to M !!!!!!!
Hope everyone is ok, not everyone checking in... Stormy , prayers for your dad.... I know I haven't addressed everyone, don't have the energy to go back and read... so just know ya'll are thought about during my day, prayers sent when I do think of you....
Onward thru the fog.... hugs across the miles...
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I do swear with my mil one day is up six are down. For instance my mil is going to do something nice for my husband (her) son and she told me last night that not to tell him until she was ready and I said of course. Then she jumped all over me verbally and called me a liar that she knew I was going to tell him right then and it went on and on until I yelled OK. I swear she is going to cause me jump off this da n house. Could dementia cause some of her bad actions. She is getting mean as h ll. I don't know how to act from day to day. It is draining me mentally and physically. She says she is ready to die, boy dopes that hurt. She said she does not want to be happy and there is nothing I can do. Any suggestions?
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