This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I feel for you and think it is a really good idea to not spend so much time with your mom. If possible, let the facility do her laundry. You should be taking advantage of the fact that she is being taken care of by others right now. I'm sure she gives you a bad time when you visit, no matter what.
Others will have lots to offer. Take a break from her and take care of yourself.
Hugs, Cattails
I'm so sorry to hear about your son's leg. I pray in time it will get better and more can be done to help.
Hugs, Cattails
I am hoping they have something like a 'trial period' before signing any contract for the mnl may not like the place or we may not like what we see if we r allow to do a pop-n-check. You know how some places can make it look all glory on outside but true stuff is from the people from the inside even if it is a church. For a church it sure has a lot of paper work.
Thanks for the update about ASGs Auntie. How I hate it for her and family. Prayers ..to soon too fast
Ladee- I know this must be frustrating for your son and for you also. I hope the drs will be able to do something to help his leg, so he will have more use of it. Love and hugs to you. Stormyyy
Golfgirl, what a messed up day.... and we read all over this sight about parents, especially moms who are totally unreasonable to be around.... stick to your word, she won't change, but you don't have to subject yourself to abuse either... go visit for 10 minutes, then take your dog for the others residents to enjoy.... did the duty f**k visit, but you can bring joy to the other residents .... praying for you and everyone esle today...
Have to be at work early today.... but at least M will be at the Dr so won't have to look at her sourpuss face all day.... that was ugly, but I feel ugly today, sure hope no one walks over my invisible line today.... I feel a spinnin' and twistin' comin on..... Bring it stupid people of the world, I'm ready for ya today..... hugs across the miles to ya all if your willing to get that close to me..... just for today, I'll get over myself.... hugs and love and ASG, on my mind and heart.... love ya girl...
Tina.....I know you will check in when you can. Love and hugs for Aunt's passing. How are the children? Sending prayers to you and family.
golfgirl......I would have gone home and buried my head under the covers after a day like you just had! Some good suggestions here.......Mom won't change is true, but you don't have to subject yourself to the meaness. Cut your visits to a lesser time.....it really doesn't matter if you are there 90 min or 30 min. I find that everything can be said in 30 min.....after that you are looking for different answers to the same questions to spice things up a bit.......letting the NH do the laundry is also a good idea unless Mom has allergies. Gives you some free time and works because her clothes are always handy when she needs something clean. And they can do the repairs needed on anything. Enjoy your freedom from daily care giving.
burned..........sounds like you are in serious need of a break.
ladee.......sorry to hear the outcome for son's leg might not be the best....but don't stop with getting the opinions until you have exhausted every single one of them....there just might be an ortho out there who can fix him.
Nothing to report today on the col.....cleaned her carpets yesterday and the air conditioner stopped working.....my son and dil were doing the carpet and it got a little warm in 90 degree temps.....but the floor looks fantastic! Repair service coming this morning so I need to move myself.........
Hope everyone has a good day......................love and hugs sent to all!
Today, my husband and I and his mom the mnl had an appointment with St. Luke Church for respite care. Of course, I waited to remind her that morning instead of last night for I didn't won't to hear again like last couple of wks that, "why r u doing this to me?" or "I had no idea you felt that way about me?" eventhough, I have told her it is NOT a NH that, it is a place to do activities. Eventhough she is content at home, bla,.bla.
So, when we got their she started crying so we a couple of blocks down the street to talk to her n to get her to feel at ease before we visit. That seem to work. When we came, we had to wait for the doors r lock which is good and the woman immediatly welcome the mnl in the building as well as us. As soon as we talk just a brief second she guideded mnl with another employee to go ahead n join the group. I was shock that she left n she didn't say anything. I guess they didn't give her time. While she went back to group we talk to the head lady n she was very nice n she explain what activity they were doing at moment. I got to peak and mnl seemed okay and was participating-exercising in a chair. Wow! That just blew my mind! I was so proud of her. We had already been speaking almost an hr going over assessment and she never once came to find us. She did ask about us n they told her that we would be coming back to pick her up. I guess that way to break that cycle of my shadowing.
We even had lunch and we stayed the whole time observing. I have to admit she had a great time. She had no clue we were sating behind her offish while she was playing 'horse-shoes n singing helms.' A total different person on her best behavior. We figure we be the [poo-poo] people when we left. To my surprise she was not upset nor had nothing bad to say. Except she felt sorry for some of the people at the church. I did see her cry one time during the song, Amazing Grace. I told her that may be her purpose which is to help them feel good. I think it work. so, we chose only one day a wk but I have to get this physicial-medical form signed by her doctor. So, I had all her meds already listed on their mg and such and we took it right after we left to the Columbus Clinic to drop it off n pick it up by this Friday. That what the lady at church said that it shouldn't be a problem too. Well, low-n-behold. They said he would need a blank form to fill it out himself n that she would need make an appointment for a complete physicial. I ask are you kidding me! She was just here May 15 and had an Ultra-sound, X-ray, Dekscan, and lab work done prior to the 15 of May.
So, they gave me a card to talk with the nurse n ask her about it so, we left n picked up another form and this time blank! I let my hubby take it up their this time and he tried n they told him the same crap eventhough I had already discussed this to her dr that he may get a form to sign for respite care for I have her 24/7 and need a short break. He even agreed. I'm VENTING now...!!! We finally found a place that she had a great time n we felt comfortable for her safetyness. !!! n she needs a physical? please.. So, the front desk lady gave hubby a card just like mine and told him she would call us. Yeah right. It is 7:30pm n no phone call n we left at 3:30pm. I think they just want to make money. I guess, I will have to call tomorrow to see if I can get her on the phone and explain to the nurse that I had already spoken to the dr about respite care. he already wrote a letter 2 yrs ago that she was diagnose with AD but we of course got charge $20.00 bucks for that. We were going to get all the paper work done and that way being she still likes it that we get her started by 2nd wk of June. Trying to go with this flow deal before mnl changes her mind if you know what I mean. Now, we have to wait on the money hungry clinic. If she has to have a physical which I don't see why for she see him EVERY three freaking MONthS!!!!!! That will be another long wait for an appointment I think. I just felt like crying for it was going so great for her n we felt comfortable and now this brick just slap the hell out of my face. These people have no clue how AD can have an affect on a person or a caregiver minuet to minuet. ARG!!!!
I know I won't be too supported for anyone today.
Can you talk to the day care people again and explain what the front desk doc office person is tellling you? Also, I would leave a message for the doc or his personal nurse to call you and discuss this. Don't let the front desk stop you.
I'm so sorry for you and your hubby. Kick some butt. Cattails
The form just states at top, " St. Luke United Methodist Church Respite Program Medical Examination Form. then it goes like,
"Today’s Date: _____________________
Applicant’s Name: __________________________________________
Date of Birth: _______________
Address: ___________________________________ City: _____________ State: ____ Zip: __________
Date of Last Doctor’s Visit: __________________
Then it goes like this:
"The above named person has applied for enrollment or is currently enrolled at the St. Luke United Methodist Church Respite Program. Your careful examination and written recommendation on this form will help to ensure that the applicant is provided appropriate care and services, encourage safe participation in program activities, and provide a current medical history in the event of an emergency. The applicant’s caregiver/family member has signed a release form and is available from the Respite Program upon request. Any information reported on this form is considered confidential and will be released only with the caregiver’s/applicant’s written permission."
"Please indicate if the applicant has any of the following diseases or conditions, and if special attention or restrictions to normal activities apply."
The last line, "I certify that I have today, reviewed the health history and examined the aforementioned applicant and find him/her physically able to participate in the St. Luke United Methodist Church Respite Program."
Bascially, they want to make sure if their r any allergies, limitation, could she be harmful to others n list of her meds. I had all this filled out n all he had to do was get the form, review it n sign it.
You bet they will hear from me tomorrow and I m going try my best to get to that nurse n let her know that he was already aware of a letter coming either from Alz.org or respite care. ah!!!
I do eveything for this woman just as I am sure you all do too for your parent/s. I am so bitter and I hate it when I wake up every morning because I know my life is not mine and I am just her slave and servant. I am So full of resentment and she has completely become a burden to me. She tells me that I have no patience with old people. and that she should have stayed in her home. I know she is probably not having a very happy life right now because of my disposition...and I feel horrible about tit and don't know what to do. It is all I can do to go in her room anymore. I don't see her as my sweet little old mama anymore. I see her as an old person who is draining my life and breaking my spirit and is going to live on for another 10 years just to make my life miserable. I am so tired and feel so unappreciated and alone. I even told her one day when I had broken down into tears that I feel very unappreciated....and all she said to me was "how would you like me to say that to you"? You know...it would just be nice if when we go to the store sometimes if she would even say "honey I want to buy you this pretty little set of earrings because I love and appreciate you so much"...but nope....that never happens! I can't remember one time when my mother has thought to buy her daughter a pretty little something as a token of her appreciation for anything or as a token of her love for me. I know I sound greedy and I don't mean to.....but I send my daughter tokens all of the time just because I love her or when she is having a bad day etc. I can't think of ONE THING my mother has gotten for me really other than birthday cards with money. I have power of attorney and we are selling her house. I have sold many items out of her house for her and have made her several hundred dollars from those sales....but do you think she has once said to me "honey you take some of this and go buy a pretty blouse for yourself". NOPE! Even when we stop for a little lunch somewhere....she sometimes says "I should pay for lunch this time".....and I say "Okay"....but when it is time to pay she will not reach for her purse. I guess I am sounding like I am dwelling on money here....and I'm really not trying to sound like that.....it is just the point.....and the point being it is all about her and she could really give a rip if I feel any appreciation or am shown any kind of kindness. I am almost 63 years old and I feel like there is this rope around my neck slowly dragging me to my grave as if to say "kathy you do not deserve any better than this so get use to it". I also feel like a horrible daughter for having these feelings in the first place. Why would I be so cruel as to tell my mother I feel unappreciated? Why am I so short with her whenever she talks to me? Why can't I just be nice to her and realize she is old and selfish and is not going to change. Why can't I do this with a labor of love attitude. I hate myself and I hate my life.
My suggestion to you would be to get some counseling. It's not because you are a bad daughter. It's because you have a difficult mom. I know you are wanting to do everything you can to make your mom happy and to gain her approval. You want something from her that she is not going to give, so get some help in sorting that out and finding the best way to cope and respond to her. You are not doing this for your mom. You are doing this for you.
You do sweet affectionate things for your daughter. You send her things if she has had a bad day. You tell her that you love her. Your mom is not like you and she is not going to do these sweet and thoughtful things. She probably never did any of them when you were growing up either.
Kathy, you do deserve better than this and maybe if you had taken in a total stranger you would have gotten it. But you took in your mom. A big disappointment to you, but probably not a big surprise. It may be that this situation will not work out and you will have to find another living arrangement for your mom. Don't let this depress you. You did what you thought was right and now you are miserable. You can't let her make your life a living hell.
So my suggestion is that you get counseling to help you deal with the things that really bother you with your mom. In the meantime, if she doesn't want to eat dinner, then say, "OK mom, I'll put a plate in the frig for you and you can microwave it when you are hungry." Don't go into the, "Oh mom, let's not argue about this." There's no argument if you let it go. If she says, "Oh, I hate to see you working so hard because of me", why not just say, "Mom, you are just the best." Don't take the bate.
You, Kathy, are not a bad person. You are not selfish or unreasonable and your mom's problems are NOT YOUR FAULT. Please get some help, work on new techniques. In the process of counseling you will also come to understand if it is reasonable for you to continue to have your mom live with you. If not, you can get some guidance on how to make changes.
We will all be here for you. We are more than happy to listen to you vent, help you cope, and/or cheer you on to a better life.
Love and Hugs, Cattails.
It is hard for her and for you to live together after so many years of independence. God Bless..I have the same feeling from time to time ..feeling couped and trapped but feel guilty about feeling that way.
Ladee what a story..thanks for sharing.. Love ya
ASG..you and family are in my prayers
Yesterday M had this stupid conversation, with herself, I didn't participate, about how I cooked the squash... OMG... fixed them like I always do and no complaints, until she feels the need to do what ever it is she does in that angry unhappy little world she lives in.... don't get me wrong, I feel compassion for her, but she is just the way she is... and yes, somedays I take it personal.... because a thank you would be nice to hear.... So Kathy, THANK YOU for all you do for your mom, we appreciate it very much because we know what it takes to be a caregiver... THANK YOU for taking her into your home, THANK YOU for all you do everyday... Now, it really doesn't matter where the thank you's come from, we just need to know we are appreciated....So come back here and have some fun once in awhile.... this is one place that I get to come and be me.... we laugh, we cry, we vent, we tell each other THANK YOU, and we get thru another day... until you see if this is a working situation for you, just stop by and we'll tell you THANK YOU..... hugs to you...
thanks Vicike Vic, it was a profound reminder for me yesterday.... I pray this young woman finds a way out of that spider web of addiction....and hope you are feeling a little better getting a little more time off. we've missed your posts here.... love ya...
Notlike must have worked out so hard she had to sleep in the parking lot of the gym... hope you are ok today girly....love ya..
Beck, time to come and check in,,, bad times shared doesn't weigh as much... we're here for ya... ya don't get to run away unless you take us with you....love ya
lildeb, hope that all get smoothed out today, especially because she really seemed to enjoy herself.... let us know what happens.... love ya
Cat, you always have something uplifting and solid to share... I like solid, I can use that info....love ya
Jam, see that you are getting to go to Vegas,,, ya hussy, at least send pics.... and if ya win a pile , I need a loan.... love ya
Seeme Sue, thank you so much for calling last night and checking on me and my son... he said to tell you HI and if he ever needs his ass wiped , he'll call ya... tho he was happy to get that right arm out of the cast, makes things a little easier for him.... love ya.....
Told son yesterday, we will explore all options and not let him not be able to walk again..... He had a bad day yesterday, going on three months since the wreck....and then bad news... temporary bad news is how we are going to look at it.....
Need to go, I'm sure there is a list of things I will do wrong today.... not in my mind.. Lord I am grateful for my personality...... gonna do it my way, anyway.... M will never know, that would require her getting out of her chair, and that's not gonna happen.... need to get on the hiway to hell.... hugs across the miles to you all, if I missed someone just remind me when ya post.... love and hugs...
I'm doing for him and mom. It still hurts but I'm learnig to just accept it.
He had a stroke last year. He would give me a hard time about eating, changing his pampers, his pants, etc...I hated myself for begging him to change his pampers. He would just close his eyes then peek to see if I'm still there. Finally, I lost my temper, and threw a hissy fit. I let it all out, all my grievances. His pamper was last changed at 3pm. It's now 930pm. You don't want to change your pamper, okay! You're the one who's going to suffer! And sure enough, at around 2am, I smelled his urine. His pamper overflowed, and his pants and the waterproof bedpad is soaking wet. I refused to change him. I tell him repeatedly, that this is the schedule. And I keep to it. He knows that mom comes first. He kept muttering he's wet but I didn't care. He has to learn his lesson. By the time I got to him, it was about 710am. It was a mess. Unfortunately, that wasn't the last time. Eventually, he hated sleeping on urine so now, he changes his pampers. He will still try to get out of it, but he knows not to call my bluff.
Same with eating. I prepare the meal. I put it on the TV tray. If he refuses it, I put it away and just eat without him. No more hovering or catering to him.
From my experience, I've learned not to ask. Just do it. Or just tell them. Don't ask. If you ask, then it gives them the option to say No. And No is not the answer that You want! At first, it will be very uncomfortable to be ordering your parent around. But eventually that wears off.
Hating yourself? I feel like that all the time. I hate myself for being such a pushover. I hate myself because everyone was able to walk away from the parents but I didn't. I hate myself because I know deep down inside, I got myself in this situation and now I don't see the light out of that tunnel.
But you know what? Perhaps your hating yourself because all these stress are on you and it's all new. You don't know how to react and how to handle it and how to alleviate the stress. And it just keeps coming at you, nonstop - one problem after another. I'm not sure if this applies to you, but in my case, when I hit the "I hate myself" mood, I'm actually having one of my depressions.
When my dad's mouth goes on and on, like the example of your mom and the meal. I actually raise my voice louder than his to interrupt him. If he continues to talk, I continue to talk very loud. I tell him that I'm on a tight schedule and I need his answer Now. If he won't answer but keeps on talking, I then tell him - so be it. Then when I'm feeding mom, he says he's now hungry. I tell him that he will just have to wait. Then I feed mom, wash her dishes, take the trash out, etc..I do my schedule first. Then, I give him his food. Now he's mad at me, and I made my point with him. So, now, when I ask him and tell him I'm in a tight schedule, he KNOWS I'm not bluffing. Sigh...I swear it seems that we are the parent and they are the children!
Can you find the time to seek counseling? If you don't feel comfortable paying for the therapist, you can check your religious counselor? Hang in there! Just take it one step at a time.
Been a rough week for me also. We lost a very good friend to cancer on Sunday.
She was only 35. So young. Hubby has not handled it very well. Neither have I.
Found out My Baby sister who has Early Onset Alz. Is now having deep brain seizures. doc. did eeg on her. She had 4 within 20 mins. Hubby is doing the same.
as before. At least he is ok for now. He just does not want me out of his sight. It drives me crazy.
My sisters has 3 daughters who are taking care of her. I thank God that they are. Wanda
Cmag: Maybe if you go to the discussions on Alz you can find some books. I know I have heard people mention various books, but nothing that sticks in my mind.
On the whole, however, I don't think you will find anything that gives better direction than what Ladee has said. Maybe just more examples and reinforcement. That never hurts.
Good luck and keep talking with Ladee here about your interactions with you mom.
Hugs, Cattails