This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Any advice anyone can give me as to how to cope, let me know.
Counseling will help you to understand why you still ' take care of her' when there are others around, and getting paid to do what you are doing... you are exhausted because you need to let go and let others take up the slack... or she could still be in your home..... otherwise, start letting her know that the staff will start doing some of these things....and at this point is isn't even about not getting a thank you or being appreciated, it's about you falling to peices because you have an oppurtunity here to get some of your life back.... and you are still running after her like she still lives with you... if you feel guilty about putting her in a NH , killing yourself won't change a thing.... go for that counseling, come here and tell us about your crappy day... Your therapist will tell you what we will say to you..... time to take care of yourself.... that doesn't mean you are selfish, you will be being self caring.... a huge difference.... so , as Jam says, we'll keep the light on for ya... hugs to you... and let us know how things are going....
Kathleen..I read ur post, n wat more can i say that others have not. I totally understand all the emotions ur feeling regarding mom. Wen ur in that place where ur hating mom...hating urself......come here...there's an abundance of love and support to get u thru it. Ur worth more than u kno...we all r.
To all i have missed....i may not have posted 2 each of u directly, but u r certainly in my thoughts, prayers, and NEVER forgotten...love n hugs 2 all of u
And if you are ever in TX. I'm easy to find, I live in a ratty little motor home, that doesn't move, with eyelashes painted on the headlights.... only one in my little town, and you are always welcome and feel the hug from Ca..... keep us updated.... hugs across the miles...
Stormy, sorry to hear your fears are possibly being reconginzed.....you have been saying for months that more is going on.... and am sorry dad is being put thru more tests.... will ya'll do chemo again??? prayers for you and your family... and I loved it that Conner calls your mom's gravesite Grandma's Garden.... my granddaughter didn't get to know my mom either... oh they would have made a pair to be reckoned with..... hugs to you and let us know what is going on....
Notlike, where are you??? Haven't heard from you in a couple of days, am praying you are just taking a break and that nothing is wrong.... thinking of you....
Goodnight everyone, have a really long day tomorrow... hugs to you all.
Hubby and I moved into their house a few years ago..we live out of bags but moved our bed into the guest room. Made it easier for them to be in their own environment. We go to our house to wash and take care of our cat..poor thing she won't come here. Going on 4 years now. We have good days and bad days..mom is slowing down and gets really tired throughout the day but still does quite a bit.
Took dad to see neurologist yesterday..he agrees that dad probably has Lewy body dementia..the Senimet didn't work..don't want to try aricept..too many sde effects. So we are taking hospice again...one of the local companies is affiliated with his primary care physician and the neuro doc would be able to keep abreast of what is going on... It would really help as it is hard to get dad out physically. Guess we will just keep taking it a day at a time. Been getting two days a week help and a couple hours on Fridays to take mom to her hair appointment. She has to get a replant..guess that is for her arthritis..will have to schedule that today for sometime next week.. Just rambling this morning... Prayers and thoughts to all of you..hope you all have the best day possible
Notlike.....I've been worried about your beans. I hope they are growing. The rabbits have eaten all of my green bean and pea plants. Just saw one in the garden a few minutes ago. It didn't even run away and I didn't have the heart to chase it. Nothing left to eat that it likes, except the tomatoes, if any start coming out. The squash and cukes are too hairy for them.
Beck....nice to see you here again. If Ladee would charge for all the info she has to offer, she would be a millionaire......but I think she already is with all the friends she has made here.
Stormy....hope sister is prepared for the worst if it happens. Remember, she doesn't have us all to help her, so you have to do it for us. Let us know how things turn out.
I have more things to do for hubby. I am taking care of all the bills and bank records of his mother's for him. Have to do some errands for him today concerning her affairs. He talked with his only sister last night. He threw out there that he may sell his mom's 50th wedding anniversary rings and she was fine with it. Amazing to me. I'd rather ANYONE had them than to sell them. Just shows me what type of person she is.......money, money, money. Makes my head spin and my stomach turn. She wanted to know what her grandsons were going to get. I told her whatever she wants to give them from what she gets. I mean, really, how far do we have to distribute things? What about future great grandchildren? Just how far does it go???? Makes me so tired.
Gotta get moving. I expect this morning to be in the toilet. Yes, I will clean the last bathroom, then move on to other things..........later..............
My thoughts go out to all of you...the bad day, the moving of parents that didn't work, stangers who need help, and Vic' s and Stormy's Dads. And the new people with ungrateful mothers. Hugs to all.
Beans are growing really good. Their up in raised beds, so the rabbits can't get at them.
Gotta get back to work. Will write more this weekend.
Seeme just mentally tired and sad but holding my own.. Just tends to get ya down day in and day out..when I get time off unless hubby is here I really have to force myself to do the things that need doing...don't evevn care to work in the yard as much as I love it ..I am just too zoned out right now..
Dad told me earlier that he wanted to let me know that he has an assignment and his will be coming up next month..he may have to drive the ambulance.Ok dad we still have time..try to rest now and go back to sleep..he did now he is up eating breakfast. ...hubby will be home tomorrow evening..whew my brother is coming on Saturday and stay til sunday..hope it continues to be convenient for him to come visit
Love you guys!
Notlike..more power to ya! At least you are too tired to fight with mom
Vickie Vic, let us know what Hospice says.... can he get Home Health??? They could come out and bathe him.... you may have already said, but I have forgotten...
Ok, here's what happens when you are tired, hit the ground running first thing this morning and have too much on your mind.... my son has been haggling with the Food stamp office for over a month.... no income since the wreck, so I have been getting his food.... he finally gets it, I go today to get him stocked up and after looking all over the store for the things on his list, I go to check out.... alrighty, on a roll here, mission accomplished, I can fianlly go home and take off my bra..... NOT , for some reason it would not take his pin number... the lady behind me is about to get on my last nerve... deep sighing, leaning on her basket, looking at me like I am simply messing up her day..... stay calm you say????? Ok, for about ten minutes I did, then Ieaned over her basket and said, " tell ya what, I'll stand where you are, deep sigh and shuffle my feet and give dirty looks and YOU take my place and get this mess straigtened out..."... she started grabbing her stuff off the thingy, and I started laughing,,, I could feel the hysteria right under the surface..... I AM A CAREGIVER , DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU ARE PISSING OFF...... I even helped her reload her basket, laughing like a loon.... the poor check out girl looked like she was going to pass out... "oh relax honey, this is how you act when ya get old".... they never did get it straightened out... so I left like the happy little crazy person I can be sometimes.... told my son, sorry, pnut butter again tonight... i"m going home, I HAVE TO TAKE THIS BRA OFF, IT'S MAKING ME ACT STRANGE FROM LACK OF CIRCULATION..... he's used to me, he laughed and said, Mom you caused a scene in the store didn't you??? Uhhhh, not really, I think it was the laughing that was making everyone uncomfortable.... we laughed, I came home and took off my bra.... deep sigh, I am done for the day.... love ya'll, hugs and angels.....
Kathyleen, why do you have POA over your mom does she have AD? If it is AD then she may not know what she is doing sometimes. I have a mnl who lives with us n it seems it suppose to be all about her, the center of attention. As for doing everything for her, if she is able to do some stuff like dusting I would just say like, "It's time to dust our rooms," and don't ask her that way she may not have a come-back. another example, "Dinner is ready and on the table come and eat with me." See if it works for the bath as well. I had it where we both agreed that bath time is once a wk on Monday on certain time. This allow a routine schedule n maybe it could end some of the stress on the bath time. I draw the water n knock on the door to bring in clean clothes after she is in the tub. That way you can grab the dirty ones so she don't put them back on and the tub is already full n ready for her. So far that is working for us.
If push come to shove n you are stressing out n it making you sick then I would recommend calling a social worker to see if they can help you with her. Maybe someone else will have some more good information for you. Try to breathe n not take her selfihness personally.
I had to get away from my husband today or go nuts. Got a neighbor to sit with him and left. Got in the car and giggled. Shouted yeah and got out of here. I feel much better now. Wanda
I let hubby call back the dr for the mnl paperwork that we dropped off so she can go to the church activities. He got a call n the nurse said something that she was across street. Wtf? Then, she told him she would call him back n check to see. Well, here is day 2 n no return phone call. !!!! Well, at least hubby is home on vacation from work so he can help out until he calls them again or go up their n make some noise. I know dr's n nurses get busy but come on.
Getting ready for the great Atlanta traffic, ah!! I have my lavendar scented bag ready to keep me calm, hopefully. My blood pressure has shot up to 199/100 just from the traffic n they were going to treat the bloodpressure n I told them to hang on n give me 15 mint. n it will go down n it did. I don't see how anyone likes to live in that traffic mess. Hopefully, I will leave early enough to miss the mess. Wish me luck. ; )
Here is a thought about the doctor's office. Write a letter to the doctor and take it in and personally deliver it. Have that front desk bitch sign that it has been received. Tell the doc that you expect a call from his nurse withing 24 hours. I think that might get their attention. Sending love to you and your family, Cattails.
I'm really sorry you couldn't get the groceries. You deserve to have a much easier life. It hurts me that you don't. You are the best. Love Cattails
Tonight, I reminded my step-brother of this history and that I did not understand why no payments had been made since the three of us had agreed that payments would be made on a monthly basis. I told him that in light of this history and as my mother's durable POA that from this point forward, my mother's taxes would be filed married but separate in order to make it clear whose income bears what tax amount. My mother has her own accounts and investments which she made me co-owner of with right of survivorship long ago. My step-father has income from separate sources himself. I also got my step-brother to agree to sign an agreement sheet that as his father's POA, he would pay this debt to my mother and if need be to her estate if she dies before it is paid in full.
My step-brother wanted me to wait until he saw what impact this would have on his father's taxes. I reminded my step-brother several times that because of the amount of the debt of which nothing has been paid that I am moving forward with the request to the CPA for my mother's taxes to be paid married but separate. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he did not like that very much, but however, I did not need his agreement for I was just informing him of my decision.
My step-brother is wrong about one thing though concerning the joint checking account that my step-dad and my mother have. He wants to claim that since my mother has not put any money in the joint account in years that all of the money there belongs only to his dad. I corrected him saying that in the eyes of the law both owners of a joint account have equal access to that account. However, he still wants to view it as belonging only to his dad.
The one thing that I wonder is about his Durable POA. I think there a statue of limitation for activating it by registering it with the register of deeds in NC. If that is so, the current Durable POA is not valid which also means that my step-brother has been writing and signing these checks without the proper authorization. So, I think he is going to have to get another Durable POA drawn up.
Ladee- if the cancer has spread to his lungs i don't think there is anything that they can do for dad. He had radiation treatments, no chemo. His type of cancer (hurthle cell carcinoma) chemo does not work on it.That's why he never had chemo treatments. He had radiation and his onc. dr at duke told my sis while dad was in the last stages of his treatments that if the radiation did not work then there was nothing else that could be done because he had, had all the radiation treatments that he could stand. I got the reports from sis from the hospital and there is really nothing new on there. Same swollen mediastinal and hilar lymph nodes, coughing up blood. That's about all that was on there. So we will wait and see.
Seemee- I know that sis will be the hardest hit with this about dad if the cancer has spread. Just because she has been in denial for so long. As i said before i have seen signs that maybe the cancer might be spreading. Certain swollen lymph nodes that are indicative for metastatic disease, coughing up the blood for months now (off and on) and rereading his old reports from duke. And several of them says "worrisome for metastatic disease" or "residual tumor". And just the history of this type of cancer. He has all the margins that you don't want for this type of cancer-older age, 5 cm tumor, invasive into the windpipe. I know that sis will need my support because aside from me and her hubby she will not have another support group like i have with ya'll. And i am so grateful that i have all of ya'll to talk to about this. Because i know that she will not get much support from my brother's side of the family. Oh that is a whole another story i will have to fill ya'll on about maybe this weekend. Sis and i have been without a computer at dads for over a week now. Talk about bored out of our minds without the computer over there. Hopefully we will be getting it back soon. Having it worked on right now.
Notlike- Thank you for thinking of me and dad. I appreciate it. I hope you are doing ok these days. I will keep you in my prayers.
Lil' deb- good luck with the check up. I'm sure everything will be fine. Think positive! I love all of ya'll, thank you for being here for me it means the world to me. Love and hugs stormyyy
Stormy...we'll be here for you and your sis, prayers for the family....
Cat, when I read your post last night, I got this 'thinking' crease between my eyes, hmmmm, gave it some thought, and I wouldn't trade my life for anyone elses... There is a Zen story about a tree in the middle of town... everyone had to put their troubles on that tree... then walk around, look at everyones troubles and pick one... everyone picked their own... moral of the story, some have it a lot worse... much worse... It's been a hell of a ride, my life, wouldn't trade one moment of it... have no regrets... and I really mean that, many people can't say that.... guess it's my perspective on life...hopefully I'm not done yet, still have many things to do, people to meet, and places to see...I don't even know what that means, "deserve", guess I don't think about it.... life truly is what we make it.... it's always about choices...I have more to be grateful for than to complain about... ya, I've had and am still having a very blessed life.....
Hugs to you all this morning... YEEEE HAAAA it's FRIDAY.....
Ladee-You made the squash wrong?!? How dare you? Did you not put it in the right serving bowl? LOL At leat you didn't have to sweep up after it! :) I wish I could have been with you in the store. You probally made the day for some other caregiver standing way back in line. I know you made mine. Hugs.
lildeb-Congrads! 10 years is fantastic! And many more...
Cmag-good for you for standing up for your Mom. It sounds complicated, but you did what needed to be done. Hugs.
Stormy - the Lung Cancer Alliance has a great website with materials and support. Maybe that can help your sis. Hugs.
Our oldest furbaby, Rebel, is in decline. Almost took him in, but he keeps rebounding a bit. Hubby wants to beleive he's just got tummy trouble, but I think that's denial. Rebel is his dog. So please say a doggie prayer for us. Mom went in the basement to give him ice cubes (his favorite). It's the only time she's gone down there since she got here. This will be hard on her. On all of us.
Does anyone know of resources for how to talk to your parents about money? Or have any ideas? I can see this coming to a head soon. Dad's newest medicine is $260 for 3 months. By the time they pay the doctor bills and meds. buy a few groceries for themselves, and have a lunch out or two during the month, the money is gone. Yet she wants to contribute, but I don't want her wasting her money. She bought a bunch of food that we weren't home to eat. Hubby doesn't want her spending her money on us anyway. And she is mental about money. She blames Dad for their bankruptsy years ago. She has total control now. My sis sends me a check every month, which I cash and give to him, just so he will have spending money. I don't want to insult her dignity, but I also don't want her wasting money either. Argh!
I have a party to go to tomorrow for a work friend's daughter's high school graduation. Should be fun. It's going to be hot here this weekend, so I don't think the cleaning fairy will come. :)
Good night, and better tomorrows.
Notlike, what kind of shoes do you wear at work? I am having major problems with my back and bad leg due to being on hard tile all day, any suggestions...
Am so so sorry to hear about Rebel,,, makes my heart hurt for you and especially your hubby.... give him kisses on his head from Aunt Ladee. I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with the loss of the Diva on top of everything else.... but I know you won't let him suffer..... my heart is sad for ya'll...lots of gentle hugs to Rebel...
And yeah, went back yesterday, got the pin number fixed, went to the same checker.... her eyes got big, I smiled and apologized to her for the day before.... then she smiled and said it was the most fun she'd had at work in a long time, the look on the other ladies face when I leaned across her basket.... she laughed and told me thanks..... so it all worked out... AND I got the damned groceries......so see, no matter the obstacles, it's only temporary....
M was on one yesterday... first I got accused of messing up her TV???? WHAT ????, I never mess with that control.... hmmm, ok, l'll let that one slide..... then I didn't put the right shirt on S...ok, I'm getting a little testy now, then I had put too much cheese in the brocilli and cheese, I'm getting quite in my head now, not a good sign....and when she bellowed like a beached whale that I STILL had not brought her the paper, I went into very quite mode...... I stood there and allowed myself some very graphic scenerio's, then went and told her , in a very quite tone of voice... If you raise your voice to me one more time, I am going home..... and then just stood there and looked at her until SHE got uncomfortable.....oh I'm sorry, blah blah blah, too little too late.... I was quite for the rest of the day...... almost burned my tires off gettin away from there.... the ONLY reason I am still there is because I can not start a new job and have to take off for Dr's appt for my son....not a good way to start a new job....but I don't think I will be there much longer anyway.... S is getting worse and worse everyday.... the daughter is never there long enough to see the changes... but the son will be there next weekend....no one listens to me because I have become the HOUSEKEEPER... and I realized yesterday, she NEVER looks at me.... unless I am standing over her like yesterday.... the whole situation is crazy making....and ya'll think paid caregivers have it easy.... NOT.... just sayin'. And speaking of, I read something here on AC awhile back where someone was talking about how paid caregivers just get to go home at the end of the day, not think about it, blah blah blah, don't know where this lady got the idea we are robots... I have been with this family for over a year... no way do I do this job without getting attached,,, to S, not to M... he was my original charge...somehow slowly it evolved into me being the housekeeper....I hate it, it is not what I do... It would be like Notlike being a janitor at her job.... watching and observing things going on and being dismissed because I am ONLY the housekeeper... yeah, as I set here and write the madder I am getting....gonna go to church (i.e. rock hunting) this weekend... have to get myself calmed down, it's only temporary, it's only temporary, it's only temporary..... and yeah, paid caregivers bring it home with them....
Need to go check on son... gonna get him out of the house today, if I have to drag him... he's a big guy, so I'll let ya'll know .... love, hugs and angels.....