This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Yesterday was the first day that mom n dad saw my cast...n my mother flipped out. She couldnt understand why the dr. would put such a large cast on me for jst a thumb!!....so...in moms gentle n compassionate way..she begins lightly "hitting" it, while yelling, "Why does it have to be so big!!"......then she proceeds to take my future "barnyard" fingers a tries to bend the "back"....OMG....n my dad is jst sitting in his chair, repeating over n over..."Is that ur cast?" Holy sh*t......its going to b a long 8 wks!! I'm afraid to go back over to see them....its not safe...lol
OK...i better take a break, now....the toes on my left foot r cramping up...hugs
Beck, you are crazy, thanks for the laugh this morning.... and tell hubby you need a pedi so those toes are LOOKIN GOOD while you are typing.... and why do people tap on a cast...had you been thinking about it you could have made it look like your hand was just waking up and make it look at your mom and say "YES???, may I help you" Sorry Beck, something like this makes my imagination run amok ....
And compose a rap song, dress your finger like little thugs, and scaire all the little kids, I'd pay to see that, not in a bad way... come on all of ya'll that just groaned with disapproval...it was a joke.... hmmmm
Realized yesterday I have no fear of going to HELL, I survive these Texas summers, been there done that.... hugs to you all, see if this post went thru, then share about M hiring someone to help me..... hugs to everyone...
Still don't know if M is going to hire my neigbor to help me out.... it turned into a cluster f**k before it was all over with... she asked me what my "intentions" were... WHAT???? To make a long story short she thought I was bringing in someone else to take my place... so we had a good talk... something she doesn't do with her family... she expressed her own concerns about how long she has, what is going to happen to S... ect.... it made me so sad for her that she couldn't be talking to her daughter about these things....
My blessing in all this? I realized how much I really do care about that crotetchy old lady, the one who has made me so mad I've left heal prints in her floor, the one who has made me cry.... so regardless of the outcome here, I know I have a different perscpecitve on things....and will be able to show her more compassion, at least until the next time she pisses me off...
Ladee-so good you talked to M. She must be scared, and seeing what's happening to S, she must be thinking of her own mortality. I hope it all works out soon for you with more help. Hugs.
Dad is sick. Went and got immodium this morning. He's taken 3 with no real effect. Didn't want to eat dinner. (And darn, I make vegetables even!) He's a bit dehydtrated, so I have him drinking some water, then maybe lemonade for the sugar and energy. I don't think he's getting many nutrients from what he's eaten, so he is tired. He doesn't want to go to the ER, but I will call the doctor tomorrow. He had to go so bad this morning, I found spots on the bathroom rug. I am worried. This seems to be getting worse not better.
Jam,Ladee, Notlike, Vic- I am going to try to address the questions that ya'll all had. I am not sure why i feel like something more is going on with dad, its just a feeling i have i suppose. Maybe it's because he has a rare form of cancer. Maybe it's because i am looking for a time limit of how long my life is going to be like this. I know that sounds awful, it sounds awful for me to have to read it let alone type it to all of ya'll. But i have no one else i can be this blunt or honest with except all of ya'll. I hope in the end all of ya'll will not think i am a monster for having these feelings. I just want all of it to be over with. I want my life back. I want my dad not to have to struggle to breath. I want my sister to be able to go home to her husband at night. I want to be able to answer a call from my sister on the weekends without getting all tensed up that she is calling for me to go check on him and then me getting stuck over there with him. I know all this sounds selfish me saying "I Want". But it is how i feel. I know all of ya'll too wish there was a way out of your situation. I am not trying to make this sound like my situation is any more worse than any of yours. Because i know that some of you are dealing with alot more worse things than what i deal with. Dad does not question the drs. The time before last (his dr appt with lung dr) dad asked the dr why was he getting the pleural effusion and the dr told dad that it could be cancer. I thought that my sister was in the room when dad asked this but she was not. She was in the hallway and overheard them talking. Then the dr closed the door and she could not hear anymore. This was after he had the thoracentesis done. I'm sure dad would be content to just not go back to any of the drs if he did not have to. Yes, I have some guilt about the feelings of wanting it all to be over with, but the feelings of wanting my life back override the guilt. Does that make any sense to any of you? I try to make sense of it myself and i just come up blank. I think sometimes that this could go on for several more years and when i have that thought i just turn my mind off i don't let it go any further than that because that is unimagineable for me. Maybe i am looking for a diagnosis, so i can say, "Yes, i knew it was that all along". I just don't know sometimes its like a obession me looking up stuff on dad on the computer. I do it for hours on end. It's exhausing sometimes. I am going to send this before i lose it. I hope all of ya'll understand and can kinda understand where i am coming from on this and hopefully ya'll will not judge me too harshly. I love all of ya'll for your comments, questions, concerns and prayers!!! Thank you. Love and hugs stormyy
Isn't it amazing how some poor unsuspecting dumb ass falls off into your world on the days that you have used up all your patience, all your compassion, all your energy, and then you go to the store and someone has left thier dog setting in a hot car........ OH YEAH, I WAITED FOR EM'..... this family comes out laughing and talking with thier cold drinks and chips, poor lady looked liked I had smacked her with dirty underwear when I started blasting her for leaving that poor dog in the car in this heat!!!! I could feel myself ready to put my hands on her to shut her mouth from making excuses, finally said, tell ya what... I'll call the cops, they'll let YOU set in the damned hot car and we'll see what excuses your dog makes...... I was shouting by this point...... and I might add, her very very brave husband was already in the car.... one of the kids said, Good Lord, and I shot that kid a look that shut him up too.... I got in my car and she said something else, all she could see was me saying M****r F**ker as I was staring at her...... Some people are too stupid to have kids, much less animals... everyone here is an animal lover....ya'll might not have gotten as stupid and loud as I did, but I would hope you would have said something.... I have a feeling she will never leave that poor dog in the car again without the air running....
The good thing here, I am so amped now, I can finish cleaning my house.......
And as far as if this could go on for many more years, well, you will have some choices to make.... hire someone to take your place and visit dad when you can or when you want to..... we all know you are obsessed with looking up things on the computer and then asking us questions, and then going on to the next thing.... the bottom line here is...... what do you want to do with your life in the meantime.... either way you are going to be eat up with guilt, guess that concerns me more than a timeline..... you feel guilty for THINKING this stuff, what are going to do when he dies.....you are not going to put this man in the ground then go have a picnic with Conner.... you are going to have adjustments to make..... and what frustrates me is you won't go to any counseling for all this, you won't stand up to your sister.... and you spend endless hours waiting for an answer that still wouldn't be an answer... I think the real question here is why Stormy won't stand up for herself, why Stormy doesn't' get some help with all these feelings... there is only so much we can do here on the thread, help you,love you, support you, cry with you, get angry when you are...but you are being naive to think all your problems with this will be solved when dad dies.....
And again I will say I understand how you feel, I used to think the same things about my dad... but that is another story....and we are talking about you here.....so no shame coming from me or others about your feelings.... they are just that, feelings....and look at what it is doing to you.... and the man is still alive.... I hope you just getting it all out brings you some clarity.... and unless we get a self righteous caregiver on here that shames you, we all understand... can't say that enough.... but from what I know about you since you've been posting, your dads death will only be another obstacle for you unless you get some help for all this while he is still alive... now, you know I am not fussing at you... but I just don't know what to say to you anymore..... other than, get some counseling, get a grip on your resentment, which we all feel at times, and do not be delusional thinking when dad dies it's all going to be ok.... it's not.... If I've upset you, I am sorry, but not sorry for saying you need some help dealing with this....am sending you angels to help you make a decision about your future... hugs...
Good luck with mom in the morning... let us know if you needed a drink before noon... hugs....
Bookworm, this happens here all the time, pets are bad enough, but before this summer is over we will hear about babies being left in the car.... people are just too stupid and in a hurry now days....but I know she will remember me and not leave that poor dog in the car again..... stupid woman...
M agreed to letting the new girl work for awhile and try it out.... will take her with me this morning, and then be with her for a few evenings to see how S adjusts to her... we will be throwing S off of his routine... so everyone send a prayer for my S man today.... sure hope this works.... I need a break..... love and hugs to everyone today... find one thing to be grateful for today...
Everyone else here hang in their vent if u must.
I just received a phone call this morning n those of u that r familiar with my situation with my stubborness-alcoholic dad n stepma n us kids trying to get them to get some help with their vicious dog n for their own health. Well, both r in hospital. One of my younger brothers done one of his wkly check up on them n he couldn't reach his mom on the phone to meet him at the gate. So, he jumped the fence n saw her laid out in the woods on the private property with bug bites all over her n our dad was laid out in the kitchen. Both alive barely! Most of the dogs were locked up in one room n rest tolerated my younger brother as he got help for both of them by calling 911. Both r on I.V. n getting something for the drinking withdrawals n stepma getting antibiotics. I will be packing my bags n making a trip to Fl to visit my daddy. The doctor mention about a social worker so maybe THIS time they will help us out. My older brother called social services about 2 - 3 months ago n they really did nothing. They just took her word-the stepma n didn't even check on my dad. she said we were all just over-reacting, well, I guess we r NOT OVERREATING NOW! I know that the social service can only do so much but they didn't even see if he was okay. At least when someone in family called the cops about the vicious dogs at least some of them were taking away n rest r vaccines. At least both r in hospital n getting some help as of now. I think the trailer got condemn or at least they said the electric was fired hazardous n they were taking pictures. I'll know maybe more later. Right now just trying to get them back to their senses if that is not too late. When it rains it pours. I would had tried to leave today but I was a nervous wreck so hubby had me walk around the block n we talked to get myself in gear so I don't spit anything out stupid or freak when I get at hospital. At least I feel a bit better that hubby can take better care n keep n eye on his own mom while I am gone.
Lildeb: You have excellent common sense. Don't worry about what you might say as it is all meaningful and correct. You just be yourself and kick some butt.
I'm sending you lots of love and, if you need it, empowerment to be who you are and voice what you know to be true. You would never do the wrong thing, you have too much compassion in you. Trust your gut and be true to your belief and feelings. I don't think they will ever let you down.
Please keep us posted. Love and Hugs, Cattails.
Anyway, good that you are laid back about mom.... it drives us insane when we get too upset when they won't cooperate.....
It's hot everywhere right now... so guess I won't be complaining too much, so many without power and the fires.... can't watch the news too much, start needing a paper bag to breathe into.... sometimes it's ok to be an ostrich with our heads in the sand... get overwhelmed with my day to day stuff much less thinking about all the misery in the world....and it's not like we get to have normal conversations about current events anyway....what, we'd get on here and talk about weather, politics,the war, while the smell of poop permeates the air we are breathing.... or the incessant noise in the background.... ya, we live in a tiny world sometimes... so grateful for all of you.... at least we get to laugh once in awhile.....
So, a deep breath and we start all over... stay cool everyone.... hugs across the miles...
Ladee-hope all goes well with the new help! We need a break from these crazy days!!! And pooh to that family for leaving the dog. You did the right thing, and you did it "Ladee Style." I used to have these make beleive tickets to put on cars that were parked in handicapped and didn't belong there. Never yelled at anyone, but I hope a few people thought twice about parking where they didn't belong. Hugs
lildeb-please stay in touch if you can. Prayers for you and your family situation. Maybe this will be the wake up call they need. And bless you for giving the birds water. I've been doing the same thing. It's so hot, and there is no standing water around here at all.
Dad had x-rays yesterday. Doc though he might have impacted stool, but the x-rays were clear. So now we wait for lab results to see if it's c.dif. or not. Or maybe some kind of collitits. I hope they figure it out soon. I've got him drinking gatoraide for now.
After the x-rays yesterday, which were at a different clinic than the doctor, the van wouldn't start. Here I am, 90 degrees outside, sun blaring down, and we are stuck in the parking lot. Luckily, my brother-in-law came quickly to jump us. But the alternator's shot, so all the dash lights kept coming on, and I didn't dare stop all the way home. Made for a pretty interesting trip, especially the stop signs I ran while honking my horn, and the green light I (barely) made it through after speeding up! Never a dull moment...
Stay cool everyone!
My mom is about 78 years old. My dad refuses to let her go. She's completely Unresponsive (does not talk, move her hands, legs, fingers, head - completely unresponsive.) She has forgotten to swallow, therefore she has a stomach tube to feed her. She forgets to breathe, so, they put a trache in her throat so that oxygen enters there. This is not the life my mom would have wanted. But, it was my dad's decision cuz he did not want to let her go. I feel so bad for her when I look at her. What kind of life is it if her body is the only thing functioning?
How do you cope?.... Have you been abusive to her? Have you stolen her food and gave it to your children? Have you ignored her hygiene and she went around filthy? If your answer to all these questions are NO, then Cadarn, you have done a Very Outstanding Job of Caring and Loving your Mother. And I am 100% sure that She APPRECIATES this, even if she doesn't verbalize it to you! Just because they don't talk doesn't mean they don't understand/comprehend.
When the time comes to let go, KNOW with all your heart, mind and soul, that you did your best! Of course, you're going to miss her. So, you go and get one of those beautiful picture of everyone that you love in it -including your mom - blow it up, frame it and put it up. You look at it, and you will remember the good times. And know that she is finally at peace and no longer suffering. My heart goes to you! Lots of HUGS!!!