This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Bookworm, it is so very sad to read about ur mothers condition. At that point of their illness, we,as their children, pray for God to take them. As u said..wat life is it for your mom to live that way. U r a very strong woman, n a wonderful daughter. God Bless..
Everyone seems to be able to cope with all the needs of their loved ones, Here I am with my Mother in a NH and I still worry about her every minute.
I'm beginning to ramble so I'll say good night.
Thanks to all,
Carol
carol, I do want you to know I appreciate that you are sharing your grief with us.... and please know we are here for you.... it's just very overwhelming for you and we do understand....hugs to you....
Was setting here this morning and going over the past few months in my mind.... my son's wreck, S's decline, a turn in my and M's relationship for the better, much better . All of us and our hurts and dilemma's, choices to be made, Lisa on another thread making some awesome changes and setting an example for all of us, the posters who support and give what little they have left at the end of the day... and on and on.... I get philosophical at times like this... and picture us all five, ten years from now....
I grow and learn every day...when to back up, when to step forward, when to speak, when to remain quite..... being so tired I can't think of anything but gloom and doom, and yet can tell ya'll of blessings every day.... one being that M is really opening up about the near possibilty of her death.....
Remebering how many questions I had for my mom when she was nearing the end of her life and my bulldog sister keeping us away from her.... to me, this part is just as important as the living part..... I see and hear releif coming from M... she is so tired of going thru all the needles and long hours of enduring pain... she is worn out...and I would not be so selfish as to want her to stay here for her family... she knows S will be taken care of... my gut feeling is he will follow shortly thereafter as he is lost without her... but it amazes me how many arguments and tense moments M and I have had over this past year... and here we are, sharing the most intimate details of her feellings and thoughts..... on the days we couldn't stand being in the same room together, and yet this bond was being constructed in every word and action...I would have never imagined she would trust me enough to talk about her death....I pray I have someone in my life at my end, that is not afraid to talk and listen to my thoughts, fears and relief....I see so much healing with myself having S in my life... the awesome dad I never had... and he KNOWS I love him... M KNOWS I love her..... maybe that's the simple point of life... just KNOWING we are loved and love people back... could it be that simple?
Hugs to all who I love dearly and cherish our times of laughter and pain..... couldn't do this part of my journey without ya'll. Well, I could, but I don't have to, and that is the real blessing....
Ladee- u r right she is way past overload. She has so much on her that i just can't even begin to tell you. That's why i haven't stood up to her about the situation with dad. She doesn't need anymore stressers in her life. I feel l would just add to that if i said anything. I just need to deal with it. It's hard sometimes though. I don't even want to think about what she and my bil could be facing. My bil told her yesterday, " I might have waited to long to go to the dr". My bil lost his sister due to diabetes about 12 years ago. She was a very bad diabetic. She was in her 30's when she died. Well i will keep ya'll posted on what is going on with him. Thanks for the prayers. Love and hugs stormyyy
Ladee-I can feel your sadness. You're really tired and exhausted. And it has touched you to your very heart, that talk from M. Like everyone keeps saying on this site: take it one day at a time. Treasure what you have now. But you know what, I think it was wonderful that you were able to discover that you also love M (instead of finding out when she dies.) Now, with that knowledge, it will help you care for M just as you do with S. I think she is one very strong lady. I get terrified whenever I see a needle (after a bad experience from hospital nurse). But,..just be there for them. It will help ease everyone's hearts. Take care!
Dad has medicare part A for insurance n Stepma is only 62 or 63 n has nothing but some assets from her deceased parents but it not a lot. She looks like she is 100. She is talking okay but dad didn't seem to even recognize me when I came in the door n I told him as I tried to hug his fragile body who I was n then he knew. Social workers didn't help worth a crap at the their place for they took the stepma words n didn't even check on daddy. She said us children were overly exaggerating. well, I don't think we are now!!!!
My middle brother talk some to a social worker at the hospital n she jots some notes n basally wanted to know where could dad could stay at in a clean environment. Well, at time my brother said he would try but after yesterday, he saw dad's back n such n he now admitted he is not able to handle this n I don't personally blame him. . Especially between dad n him since the incidence with social worker n police to get rid of those vicious dog so they don't get along to well.
both parents blame it all on him n I even told them it was the WHOLE PRICE family not just him.
My other bother has health issues so he not going to be able keep him or both when of if she gets out. my younger brother well at least he had the some common sense call 911 for he is not all their sometimes.
My sister n law has a number for case management at the hospital n beings today is a holiday we may not with them today. I have found the Area on Aging Agency here in Marion county fl. Going try see they can help us. The parents have property that can be used for if we have to sell it for their own good. yet no one has POA. Younger brother is searching for birth certificates n such for he is only one that can be around those dogs sort of. going try to meet him today at hospital n talk to him about both parents for he thinks they will both be let out n he didn't know about his mom n how sever her back issues is for we think it is in stage 5 from what the nurse told us. so their the mess!! n y'all situation for my plate is full.
We r pretty much at a loss. hopefully, we will get some more information about both parents n what to do but it is a holiday. Any suggestion please throw me bone or two...... Got a have some humor or I m going to go crazy... Thankful hubby is doing great with his mom n taking care of the animals.
Lildeb, I'm sending you lots of hugs and love. I hope you and your family get lots of support and your parents get the care they need.
Sending love, Cattails
Are there dogs still out there???? And am glad it was said it wasn't just the brothers fault... hope time isn't being wasted on blaming.... doesn't even matter at this point... and the social worker, well, she could only do so much if you sm said everything was fine.... even tho I know that social worker looked around and knew better.... unfortuntely your dad and sm had their 'rights'....
Please keep us updated.... and know we are all with you in spirit.... prayers for all involved.... special hugs to you.....
Lildeb-So glad both parents are getting medical help. Prayers and hugs for your whole family. And good that you can talk with your step-sibs about this. It sounds like,with their conditions, they will be in the hospital for awhile, so remember, nothing about care has to be decided right now. You are doign the right thing by getting all the info and options, but their prognosis may play a huge role in what your family decides.
Ladee-Amen. To love and be loved is truly the reason we are all here. And bless you for being there for M. Hugs.
Be careful what you wish for, that is my new motto. With both parents feeling better, I was begining to feel a bit useless as a caregiver. But Dad is really sick. Everything he eats just runs through him, and he is getting weaker. Today I took his stool samples to the lab, because he is too tired to drive so far. I made him soup, and special foods at dinner, which I cooked for everyone. I also helped him finish their laundry, and am taking back the dishes. Mom doesn't seem to know how to handle it. I think she is scared. I need to put aside some of my anger and try to talk with her and comfort her. I know this care is the reason they are here and I'm happy to provide it. Wish me luck.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
LADEE- YOU NEED TO COME DOWN HERE AND HELP ME WITH DADDY!!!!!! We are going to need some help, i know with dad. I can stay during the day but it's the night that is the problem. Mary the lady that was helping us with dad had said in the past that she could stay with dad at night. But sis says dad would not like that. That he would say that he could stay by his self. And sis doesn't want him to stay by his self. I think he would be fine. Hell i don't know what to do about anything. And dad has a appt with the hospital to get his throat stretched friday. And they always have it for early in the morning like at 5 or 6 o clock. We should have just cancelled that thing until all of this stuff with chip at the hospital is over. This has been the week from HELL!!!! Hubby has gone to work and now i got to drag connor over to dads to give him his meds and change his canula, blah, blah, blah................. This has been one hell of a 4th of july. Thanks for listening ya'll i needed to do that. If any of you have any suggestions to our problem about the night thing with dad please let me know. Love and hugs stormyyy
Dad's nurse looked inside his file n said he was diagnosed with Vascular Alcohol Dementia n malnutrition too. They had to put an orange arm band that said, 'fall risk' but this was AFTER the nurse had taken out the gathered n helped him to bathroom Which was good but it took all his strength just to get to the bathroom n sit on toilet. He said he was too tired when we offered to wheel chair him to see his wife. I did asked him if he wanted me to get him a coke or sprite beside water n he tells me to get him, R U all sitting down. To get him a quart of Canadian-Liquior!!!!!! R u freaking kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got up n left n went walking around the hospital in tears.... Wtf do you think why u r here well both of them. I wanted to tell him that so bad!!!! But, I knew it wouldn't matter. Ah......
We also were able to get the nurse to write down one of our numbers to call us for they think he will be released by Friday. But with dr recommendation that daddy goes to rehab.
Right now for some reason my younger brother is talking about getting a POA for both of them n kept saying he was told that the property would be his. I told him that the property may need to be sold to help pay for medical stuff. He said he wasn't paying for the hospital bill with it that he would like to get a loan on property n use that loan after they r deceased. We don't won't the property n I told him that too. Supposely he talk to his mom our sm n she agreed to sign some paper that he has drawn off the line. He did call tonight n freaking out who should get POA. We told him we will all meet at 5pm tomorrow to discuss For he at least wants it for his mom. I think his mom has brained washed him about the property n u know us half grown kids are the bad people for we r ones that called the social services n police about 3 months ago. Plus, he is one that took them to the store n back for grocery n liquor n beer supplies n cigs. Maybe we will be able to talks to him, who knows. I do know that he mention that if they died according to his words that they both want to be cremated n their ashes thrown on the property. he also mention that they had separate accounts n that was dad's idea. All hear say so I don't know. Hubby said, that we need to talk with r dad n let him know that the trailer has been condemn by fired department n that he will not be able to go back their. To find out what his wishes r as for the property an such. I don't know if it will make him give up or not. So, I hope the dr whomever shows up whenever at the hospital tomorrow will see the note to call us so we can hear what he has to say as a physician. I think we will have to talk to a social worker as well. I have been in many hospitals n I have never had a problem getting a dr or I knew roughly when their rounds were. As for here they have no clue half the time. This crap is draining me too for I just want answers n their no easy way of getting them. One Day at a Time, right? Didn't get much sleep at all last night n yes the freaking dogs r still out their. Supposely, the youngest one the one that wants POA n he is not all their sometimes but he suppose to had call pound to pick them up. It is so nasty from what he said that I would have to wear a double mask n gloves in that trailer. Like those shows on Hoarders, well this would be depends, soil clothing n piles of dog crap. and who know what else. I told him I would help if he get those damn dog gone. Maybe I should had called them myself! At least he found a box that has some paper work for some reason he is needing dad's birth certificate? Anyway, That is where we r now. Hopefully a dr will call us.
Your dad has been diagnosed with Alcohol Vascular Dementia. Ask his doctor if this means he is not competent to sign a POA form. If he says that your dad is not competent, then ask him to give you that in writing. You will need it to obtain guardianship and also it will keep SM's son from getting a POA on your dad. Then talk to the Social Worker and find out if she knows the process for obtaining Guardianship. You may be able to go to the local court house and get more information on guardianship. It would be a good idea to contact an elder attorney. See if the social worker can recommend a good one. If not call the local Area on Aging and the local Social Services Department. Make sure they know you are dealing with an emergency situation.
Those would by my initial suggestions. I wish I could be there to help you. Sending you love and hugs, Cattails
And maybe now is time to lovingly take your sis to the side and tell her she can not take care of everyone and make everyone happy.... when I suggested you stand up to your sis, I didn't mean get ugly... I meant to set down with her and tell her of how this is all affecting you and that you are willing to help pay someone to come in for you. Of course now is not the time for that... but at the same time, the lady that said she would stay at night should be allowed to do just that.... sometimes we have to do things that our loved ones are not happy about... like me getting some help with S and M at night... I can't do it all, nor should I have to.... don't know if the new girl is going to work out or not, but I know I am getting a much needed break..... And M was NOT happy when I suggested getting some extra help...it just took time and being persistent, and now she is as ok as she's going to be with another stranger in the house....
So keep us updated on bil progress... prayers for all of you....
I'm sorry i have not had time to check on others here I hope y'all r okay for it sounds like Im being selfish but I lost with my heart with my daddy. For this is not my daddy that I remembered 3 months ago. Thanks dee for info.
Let us know if you get to talk to the Dr. and what is said... prayers for your safe return home..... and prayers for your family....
I need to mention one more thing. Your dad and step-mom will need to get qualified for Medicaid. Remember the 5 year look back. Her youngest son can't be given the property. Medicaid will view the property as an asset and they will not cover their care if they have gifted their land. I'm simplifying, but that's the bottom line.
Also, it sounds like neither of them are competent to legally sign a POA. You will probably need to go the guardian route if they mental impairment does not improve.
The main thing now is to see to it that your father gets into a good facility for continuing care and rehab.
I am praying for you and your family. Take care of yourself and be careful driving home. Don't get distracted with all that you have on your mind.
Hugs, Cattails
Stormy-Slow down there, girl! Please take a deep breath and try to just handle one thing at a time. Decide right now what you can and cannot do to help - your Dad, sis, and yourself - and work towards making that happen. Your Dad may be unhappy with what you and sis decide, but there is more than one person needing both your attention right now. For now, you may have to go with "good enough" and not be able to make everyone happy. Who knows? Maybe having this lady in at night will convince your Dad to get more outside help. Maybe bil illness will help your sis to let go a bit from Dad's care. There may actually be some good that comes from all this. The Lord, fate, karma - they all work in mysterious ways. Many, many hugs to you, too.
Ladee-thanks for your support about Mom and Dad. No lab results yet, so we are still in a holding pattern. Have added PeptoBismal, Activia yogurt, and Vitamin water to the arsenal. Watered the garden for them tonight. Haven't actually had any big talk with Mom. The most I can manage right now is being gentle, but firm, about what I am doing and what's best for Dad. Maybe the rest of what I think should be said will come later.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Back to bil- drs said that he has a piece of bone that is looking black and they are going to go in tomorrow and remove the piece of bone. It is the bone that connects to the 4th toe bone. So hopefully that will be all that they have to remove.They said that if they didn't remove it then it could spread to his bone marrow. So that is the plan for tomorrow. So keep him in your prayers please. Love and hugs, thanks for listening ya'll stormyyy
Right now, I am overwhelmed with the weight your sis is carrying and I don't know how she manages to keep going. I am going out on a limb here, but I can see how you want answers to your dad's tests. I think you just want to know when it is going to end. If your dad gets a diagnosis that cancer has spread to his lungs, then you can feel the end is in sight. Maybe I'm misreading your thoughts, but maybe not, but I do feel you want this over with.
Stormy, it will end someday and probably sooner rather than later. I agree with Ladee and others who have told you to just take each day as it comes. Sometimes the more we resist something, the stronger the object of our resistance becomes. Can you release your resistance? Give it to God or the universe or whatever and just go with the flow.
I'm not saying you should stay with your dad at night, but can you do it during the day and see it as a mission of mercy. For the time that you are with him, can you see yourself as an angel of God giving comfort? Can you see your dad as a little boy, like Connor, and realize that the child is still within him? It is within all of us. Would it help you to "care" for him if you could see him differently in your mind and heart?
I wish I could offer you words of wisdom, but I don't think I really understand the core of what you feel or the history you have experienced.
I am sending you love and wishing you comfort. And I am praying that you will feel both. Hugs, Cattails
" Does the Negativity and emotional abuse ever get easier to live with" thread and read posts by Menohardy...... this amazing man is sharing the other side of the coin.... letting us into the world of Alz/dementia..... truly amazing... dont' miss what he has to say.... hugs to everyone, time to get moving....
Stormy-more hugs. And prayers for your bil. Hope all went well with Dad.
Also, I spent the morning with fave sis. We were talking. I guess I don't sound as stress as before. Because she asked me if viewing family as having the right Not to help parents, and therefore my no longer Expecting help - does it really help me? I said, YES! It makes so much difference. I learned this from several of you guys. Some says it subtly, and others straight out. But, it really works! Thanks.
Unfortunately, same family still comes to me for sounding board, sympathy of Their problems, etc... Very hard to tell them that if they can't help me with My problem, why do they expect me to help with Theirs?...