This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I'm so sorry for those who are having a rough time of it. This care giving journey can really be SOMETHING, especially if you have family who won't help.
Well, I just got Dad to bed and I gotta get some stuff done, so peace to you all.
Paula, I understand you so well about $ problems. My mother has a good retirement allowance, but between her money and the money I earn from my work, sometimes we don't arrive to the end of the month and I have to borrow money from relatives! (the "relatives" are some of my cousins: I don't even ask my brother because he thinks I am not organized and theoretically we should swim in money like Uncle Scrooge of Walt Disney). He has no real idea on how much it costs to keep a very, very ill person in good conditions! And to make her lead a pleasant life, which includes roaming in the car (she likes it), letting her have breakfast and snacks in che cafés (she likes it). I try to make my mother's life as pleasant as possible and it costs a LOT of money.
Yeahright: you deserve a vacation and it must be a real vacation, so don't think of taking your father with you! Relax!
Sandra i read your wall but I don't really understand what is going on. But my mother has Alzheimer so I am used to the fact that she complains all the time, she thinks I am torturing her... that's part of the disease! (for example, when I, or my helps, have to wash her in the morning she howls like a wolf). Is it going to improve with time? No, it's going to get worse. You should ask her doctor to prescrbe something to sedate her, even mildly. For the survival of everyone!
Ladee, I think Marie is just jealous of the good relation you have with Sonny. She shouldn't be, she should be happy if he is happy. These are strange dynamics... I am sure she will understand it with time and she'll understand she has found a pot of gold with you!
Vic: I always say that I made a statistic when I started to write on this site 1 year ago. 99% of the people who write here have NO help from their siblings. A sibling who helps is an exception! So, I think we have just to accept it and don't expect a help which will probably never come. You have every right to be stressed.
Debbiecakes: I am absolutely admired by the wisdom and sense of responsability of a girl, because you are a girl, of 25. I admire you a lot but I think you are taking on your shoulders problems that really don't belong to you, and you (and your younger sis) should live your life. You are living very important years in your life, you have to put the basis of YOUR future life. My advice is to be a little bit more selfish...
Burned: I am sorry for your stress... Yes we are all in the same boat...
If I forgot anyone, sorry... Love to all of you from this HOT Italy
Oh yes Starri! Never a moment of peace! Yes I agree with you. If your husband exaggerates, sell the camper!
yearight......there is no room or need here for judgement. That's the last thing any of us need. The job we do daily is hard enough without someone who has no idea what we deal with to tell us we are wrong for feeling the way we do. We will offer advice, suggestions or give you a different angle of looking at something, but no one will be told their feelings are wrong. We are all doing the same basic job, but the day-to-day actual care is an unknown to each of us and thus doesn't give us the right to tell anyone what they are doing is wrong. Heck, I'm told that every day by the col, I don't need to hear it from anyone else....:)
I cherish all of you, and think of each of you daily and wonder what's happening with those who don't post but rarely. We all have a common denominator that sets us apart from a lot of other people and makes us a close-knit group.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Debbie.....I would be proud to have had you for a daughter. You sound like you have such a level head on yor shoulders, and it seems as though you read something that strikes a chord, think about it, come up with a plan that you can use, and go for it. Like Rosella said, we admire and respect you very much.....more than you know, cause we have been doing this longer and know what it takes. Kudos, girl.
Starri.....I can see the humor breaking out of you !! You are going to give us a lot of laughter, Ican tell. Did I mention that hubby is getting a new old truck this next week. My butt is chapped from him kissing it now that I said yes. He sold a 1950 Ford and is now getting one from the 1970's.........for twce the money, of course !!!
HAHAHAHA
I hope ASG is on vacation with the kids and has gone somewhere nice and cool and that is why she isn't posting........ASG, ARE YOU OK? What did you do with Auntie???? You better not be in jail !!!
Mom is awake and on the pot, so my day is about to start whether I am ready or not.......everyone have a wonderful day and I will check in later.............
Today, we are off to see a camp ground I found yesterday, a little further away from home.. We're just off to "see" it because of all the goings on due this weekend and next week, have doctors appointments coming up next week, for my hubby and for the friend of the family, They both have theirs on the 7th, I have mine on the 11th, and then baby brother has one on the 12th, after that baby brother hopefully has his eye surgery scheduled for the 15th, as of right now, he has cataract's and can't really see. You ought to see him, when he is trying to "see" the computer, he has his nose up against the screen...lol
Jam? was that ex-husband for me? lol, I've tried, tried to get him to not get married in the first place, tried to get rid of him a few times between there and now, after 10 years of it, his warranty has expired and I can't return him.
That cat of mine must be on the rail terrorizing the birds again. Their quiet. Squeek is the avatar that I have now, she's a little over two years old, and about the weirdest cat you will ever want to meet, she and our little shitzu (Claire) are best bud's, they were both little when we got them, it never failed to amaze Mom how much they get along, cat's and dogs are not suppose to do that, according to her. Told her that was the rule of the house, get along or someone (the one that started the trouble the most) would get gone..
Squeek got her name from the noise that she made because Claire would try and use her as a chew toy. But not to fear, Squeek held her own and more, Squeek was a kitten just weaned by her mommy and was still trying to nurse, she was up on the back of the couch one day hiding from Claire, Claire likes to sleep on her back, well, Squeek slides down the back of the couch and proceeds to try and nurse Claire with those sharp little baby teeth, I've never seen that dog move so fast. lol....
Now they take turns chasing each other around the house and the yard and when it is cold, will curl up in the chair together. Our other little dog is Maggie, we believe she is a Jack Russel, chi wawa mix, I know that last one isn't spelled right but can't think this morning..lol.. Maggie is a 9+ year old semi-pound hound (I joke about her making it through the front door and never getting booked). My husband and I decided we'd adopt a dog from the animal shelter, on Saturdays, it's strictly adoption, they will not accept animals in. We looked around and found a dog we were interested in taking home. The lady said that we ought to wait till Monday as they would wave the 70.00 fee, we figured what the heck, two days would not kill us or the dog. While we were sitting there though a lady came in with Maggie tucked under her arm, claiming she had "found" the dog (we knew she hadn't), could not get her to eat, and could not possibly keep her till Monday, we looked at each other and said that we would take her. One of the first things I do when bringing a animal home is if I am not sure they have ate anything recently is feed them, Maggie inhaled a can of dog food, so much for her "not" eating.
She was the biggest chicken at first, one day the cat decided to do her hide and pounce, Maggie flipped onto her back in a submissive posture and refused to get up. I literally had to pick her up and carry her home. She's better about that now, while she doesn't chase Squeek, she will fight back. Anyway, back to the saving 70.00, while we did save it, it ended up costing us $400.00, we got her on Saturday, I took her to the Vet for her check up and shots on Monday and we found out that she had heart worm, (we're figuring the lady that "found" her, actually found out she had heart worm and didn't want or could not pay for her treatment), With her being as old as she is, I wasn't sure what to do, so I called hubby and asked him what he thought, he said something very profound, " I would not want to be put down for something that could be cured" she went in the next morning to spend three days at the vet for treatment, when I brought her in the next morning, I told the ladies she was a real cuddle bug, that if they rubbed her belly now and then, she would be a very happy little camper, I had flipped her on her back in my arms, and was rubbing her belly, she closed her little eyes, her head dropped back onto my arm and she went to sleep...cracked the ladies up. Needless to say, Maggie got her belly rubbed quite a lot.
Big hugs to all, I wish you peace.
Hugs across the miles to everyone this morning...
you took these responsibilities because you care about your loved ones last lmaydays.
Time to get a shower now......good day to all.....later.......
She's as bad as the dogs, (I spoiled them too) she expects her treats, the dogs get treats for going outside and doing their business rather than on my floor, she expects to have a escort to her food bowl, will stand there on the shelf where we keep her food bowl and look out from under the top one and stare at me, till I give her, her treats.
We keep her food bowl on a shelf because if we don't Claire will eat her food, and not her own dog food. The cat will come and bug me till I feed the dogs their breakfast, so that she can get into their canned dog food. Rule is, no one gets into someone else's bowl till their finished eating all they want. So the cat will sit there patiently, till one of the dogs walks away, and then it is on, she cleans out their bowl.
I envy those of you who can walk outside and enjoy your morning. I took the blind doggie out and started to melt. It's only 95 today with heat index of around 109. And the person that poured our front patio is supposed to come and fix the mess he made since it's apparent he didn't know what he was doing. The color was supposed to be a pale chocolate brown to match the house.....it's orange. And I told them all up front....if momma ain't happy....ain't nobody happy.....so do this right.
So Target has been outside talking with his momma this morning, and she is just not happy with this haircut thing. 87 y/o women just don't have any business wearing their hair hanging down past their shoulders when they don't know how to take care of it. And she WILL NOT wear it up. I put it up in a clip when she gets a bath and she immediately takes it down. She's mad at me anyway, because I made her go potty and wash her hands last night. Now ask me if I care.
starri......we have 3 doggies. A 15 y/o female blind toy poodle, an 8 y/o male long-hair chihuahua, who thinks he's part of my anatomy, and a 6 y/o female Jack Russell/chihuahua mix. She was sold to us as a pure bred but it was more than apparent at 3 mo that her momma had a late night visitor.
ASG....would you please put your book down long enough to let us know how you are? Worried about you!
where's johnny? Hope things are okay with you.
I know some of you just read and don't have time to post, so I hope things are alright and you aren't facing anymore problems than you already have.
Time to see that the col and her dog both have their morning meds. Will check back in later.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Will check back later....hope it's a good day for all!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
And I thank you, too, Jam, for starting this thread. Amazing people coming here.
Did I tell ya'll I got Elder Rage also? It doesn't really describe mom, but my sister had it with dad and is afraid I will get to feeling mad at mom, but I reassured her that with this site, I don't feel the anger I did just 4 mos. ago. When she dies, I will know in my heart I did the best I could do for her and will have no regrets. And I can thank people here for that.
LUNCHTIME !!! Thinking tuna salad.......later
Nap time, more later... hugs across the miles...
Target reminded her that she has a hair appt in the morning and she told him she will be getting a perm and he said no you will get a cut that is easy to take care of and that's it. You will do what you are told to do. She is sleeping now....she has chigger bites and keeps scratching....gave her some Benedryl before she gets herself infected.
Everyone....you are welcome for starting this thread....there was a need and keep in mind that this thread belongs to all of us. This is our sanctuary when we need to let things go. A safe place where we can get hugs from a friend, make and hopefully keep new friends. I have met some wonderful friends here and I think of each and every one of you each day and hope that you have peace and comfort in the job you are doing.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Sonny has been very disoriented most of this week.. having problems with simple instructions and repeating him self more than usual.. I suggested he may need a Dr's visit, so we will see... but yet his humor is still there, Marie asked him to help her raise her legs in her chair, and he says" both of them?" and looks over at me like this is so funny huh???
She has been in a much better mood, but I have been paying a lot more attention to her, and she is not using that "whiny" voice as much... She finally told me today her hip has been hurting...so maybe that was part of the other day's little temper tantrum, But Sonny is on a sleeping schedule now that allows her to sleep better, so hopefully she will get some more rest and feel better...
Hope everyone is ok today...By the way, there will be a huge sale at Starri's house of camping gear, trailers, all sorts of stuff,,, oh wait, maybe not.. she hasn't said how much hubby tried to spend today... let's just wait on that..
Seeme, how are you today?? miss you
will write more later... hugs to all
and of course ASG has already been adopted, but she chooses to be busy with her family this summer, then she'll get back to us, and we'll have two fine young ladies to add so much to this thread.... hugs across the miles to everyone..
On other notes, lol. I spoke with my mother today and basically told her that she knows I need help, and she needs to move out here and help me. I told her that her brother is doing his part by helping financially (he is helping a lot), and she needs to do her part by coming out here and helping me here because I can't do it alone. She, of course, came up with a thousand excuses not to which I shot down immediately, and she agreed to tell her husband (my stepfather) that they need to come and help, and that is that. They are coming to visit on the 15th so I will be sure to do some job searches for stepdad so he can interview on their visit. :)
On a more lighthearted note, I would like everyone to know that I have SEVERAL tomatoes growing on my tomato plants, and I plan to make a crap load of tomato juice and drink it, and I don't care that it gives me itchy red dots, I love home made tomato juice too much to let the itchy dots win!
On a less enthusiastic note (so many notes haha), the bun buns that are taking over this town, have consumed my entire garden in the backyard with the exception of my cucumber plants, and from the looks of it, soon we will be overrun with not only bun buns, but also cucumbers. This could get ugly, but with some of those tomatoes...mixed up in mayo, vinegar and sugar, it will be a delicious cucumbery tomatoey disaster.
Also, my pepper plant is growing, but no baby peppers yet. What a fruitless endeavor (haha).
Oh yeah, and I gave my baby lovebird a bath tonight when I got home from work because she is molting.
So there you have it. I hope everyone is doing well today. :)
Jam, I am so glad that you got some help!! Ladeeda, I think adopting Debbie is a great idea. I am so amazed at her wisdom for one so young.
I don't know who mentioned taking notes but I should have cause I can't remember who said it was to hot to go out. I feel for ya, it is beyond hot here, desert southwest. Forcast is 118 on Sat. HELP!!!! I am thankful for my ac. Dad constantly asks to go out and of course he can't in this heat.
I also can't remember who said they have a wonder, helpful hubby. So do I. I couldn't do what I do with out his support.
Good grief, I'm taking notes next time!!!!
As for the cats; there's Pipper, she's my broke back kitty cause she twists up like a pretzel when she lays down with feet going in all directions. Then there's my Mr Big Stuff, Sebastion {I didn't name him!} He was abandoned as a baby and I took him. He is a big Manx. Very shy and runs and hides whenever someone he doesn't know comes over.
I am really getting excited about vacation! Three days by the ocean. I can almost smell it and hear the sea gulls already!
Well, I need to go now and prepare my mind for the soon to come sundowners.
You know, a few deep breaths and a prayer for patience. My poor Daddy, he would be horrified if he knew what he puts me through.
Oh by the way, did anyone see that news article about the son who put a hidden camera in his moms NH room because he was suspicious and low and behold he captured video of her being abused by the aides. It was heartbreaking.
Well, take care dear friends. Peace.
I have a question.....if the col walked over to the concrete bench and sat down and bent over to dig in the strawberries almost 2 wks ago, shouldn't those chigger bites be about cleared up? And normally chiggers go to waistbands, underwear legs and bands, bras. She's got new bites on her lower back and they look more like mosquito bites. She swears she hasn't gone outside and I think that's true. Guess I'm just going to have to let her scratch.
Tomorrow is the col's big hair day......say a little prayer for me. Appt is at 9:30...so when you hear a scream just ignore it.
Will check back later,
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Glenn's last appointment with his doctors is the 11th, we get paid again on the 27th and the 1st, I am thinking that we will be out of here, come hell or high water by the 20th at the latest. Tomorrow, I am going in the house and getting what it is I want, and then the two frigging brothers that are out here can come in and clean out the house.. I am ready to go over there with a gas can and a match and be done with it, what set me off this time is the eldest again, had I had my glasses on and able to read the caller id, it would have gone to the machine.
He thinks he's being intimating by threating to come out here..bring it on big boy, see what a a**hole your youngest brother is being, see how the second to the eldest and his wife are behaving and see for yourself what it is I am doing, I am going through and what I think that one person might want is going into a box with their name on it, they are welcome to go through it and decide if it is something they want or want to give up to others or donate.
I finally quit throwing up, and now it feels like it is wanting to start all over again. Got out of here for a little bit, feeling some what better.. big hugs guys, will post again, let you know I survived and if they did..lol..
Ladee? I thought everyone was adopted already, you mean we missed one? Hubby was actually very good today.. but you have to consider the fact that I was with him all day..and he had no access to a computer..
Was so wound up this evening, hubby thought I was doing drugs again..lol, 18+ years clean and sober, ain't going there again, even if it is soooo tempting. Just seriously twisted.. Had considered going over there tonight, but not going to do that to myself.
We went to check out the campground, it's absolutely wonderful, deep in the mountains, lots of space, they have long term rental if you want, and I want. Told hubby this evening, we'll get out of here and go up there, and from there figure out what it is we want to do and where to go first,. right now our plans of going to see his brother in CT are on hold, so I don't know where the wind will blow us first. For me at this moment? I truly don't care.
I haven't thrown up this much since I quit drinking, it's not good for my health, I've lost a lot of weight (which really doesn't hurt me, I've got a lot to spare) , but losing it the way I have been is not good for me.
If ya'll don't hear from me in a week or two, you might want to start passing the hat to get me bail money or a good lawyer... Told Glenn our first stop was going to be Norwalk, CA and I was bringing the gun with me. Might just be nice and tell him never ever to talk with me again.
Anyway, have a wonderful evening, going to lay down for a while if hubby will just leave me alone, don't want to go to jail before even getting out of SC...lol..
starri.....wow I'm impressed. I usually got to the count of 2 maybe 2 1/2. I want to see you kick some a$$. I swear....I will never figure out why some siblings think they are in control and everything has to revolve around them. Do you need to remind Mr. Too Big for his Britches that you were the one taking care of Mom? Go get em darlin......we're all standing behind you!
Debbie.....I was in EMS as a paramedic for 25 yrs and you would be surprised at the "odd" things that I would see in nursing homes and the lame excuses. There is one home in the town I worked in that was for the indigent, now it takes mostly mental patients, but back then there was a little old lady that was so contractured you could pick her up like a basketball. And her femur was fractured! And had been for 7 damn days before they called the ambulance to transport. I'm looking at her and they are telling me it happened when she tried to climb over the bed rails. Oh, please, do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck? Her leg is black and 3 times it's normal size and her arms and legs are frozen in place....HOW THE HELL CAN SHE CLIMB?????? In another home one morning I had to pick up a little lady who had been put in the shower chair and then left. The only thing I could figure out was she fell out, but her right leg got caught, twisted and broke. When I got to her the staff had her on the floor and her leg was twisted completely backwards. She had good pulses and sensation and I was not about to compromise that, so we took the door off the hinges, I held her leg still because it was sticking out to the side and got her to the hospital. My hubby was on shift that day in the ER and I hung around to watch him turn that leg around. I was livid and when her daughter asked me what happened I told her that I thought she had been left alone, in the chair, 5 ft off the ground. No sense in keeping quiet to allow it to happen again to someone else. The home my mom was in takes very good care of their patients. It is a better home, and besides I knew so many of the girls and they knew I wouldn't hesitate to kick some booty if things weren't right. So bad things happen and unfortunately if a person is not on top of it, it continues.
Enough gory for tonight. I keep saying I'm going to write a book about my experience....maybe one day I will.
Time for some supper....will check back later
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Seeme, I am on the computer in the livingroom now, hubby invaded my space in the bedroom, and I saw where I was going to say something this morning on your getting your fix from the dog next door.
Mom had this boatload of feral cats, she use to take care of, they started disappearing, we're not sure what happened, either the dogs from across the street or the wild hogs out here..but she adopted mine, they would either come over with me, or show up on their own, they knew "gramma" had treats, The cat and Claire both would announce their presence by jumping up and bumping the door, letting her know they were there. While she could, she would get up, and let the little brats in, they knew where the cat food was, mom had a litter box, the cat knew where it was, Claire was good about suckering Mom out of butter cookies.. So it worked out well, Mom had furry grandchildren she could spoil rotten and then send them home.