This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Going to the lake with daughter-in-law and 9 year old GD. Swimming and the water park. Fun and sun. I can't wait. I really need a break. Gina(neighbor) has agreed to keep an eye on DH. He should be ok by himself for short periods. She lives under us and should be able to hear if things go wrong. I really do not want to leave him overnight but I need the break. Hugs Wanda
Darcy, I did not get here with "help" suddenly. I have spent years complaining to family. Only last year, when I threatened to give up and leave the parents - did my fave sis stepped in & asked her 19yr old daughter to relieve me on Saturdays - with pay. Caregiving is very stressful. I would never let a family member watch for free. Not worth it - the verbal abuse they face.
ladee..glad that you got a hug from Meno. I think he's changing too. I've noticed his comments are not so...bold or strong? He's mellowing a bit with his comments. He's also giving more positive feedbacks to others. So, even as you learn from him, he too is learning from "us" the caregivers.
I strongly urge you to check the phone book and make calls. Start with the government page for the elderly or senior citizen programs. Explain the situation and ask if there's anything that you or the parents qualify for. Ask if they recommend other programs from other sources. Look for respite services (this is aimed for caregivers like us). When my dad retired to care for mom, he did a lot of calling. He was able to get free lunch for him and mom Mon-Fridays. Originally it was only for mom because she's the patient - but he fought hard to include himself - as the full time caregiver. So, instead of 1 free meal lunch for mom, he got 2 free meals for both of them! He called a program that was studying the elderly and early dementia at the university. He got in thru mom and in exchange for "studying" mom, they provided 1-hour respite for him and $150.00 on supplies. You just need start in the phone book and then ask for help and referrals.
Then, check your income/finances. Do the parents qualify for medicare/medicaid? Eventually, you will have 2 bedridden parents. What will you do then? This is a good time to start planning for that eventuality.
Feel free to vent here because it sure does relieve the stress building up in us! I found out the hard way that venting to family is useless. When you vent with other caregivers, my goodness! You get encouragement, feedback and Very Useful Advices!!! Take care, Darcy..
I was so upset driving I495 around DC this AM. I kept seeing those signs that say "open joints on bridge" and I didn't have one.................later................
Burn-Enjoy your respite! Fun and sun sounds fantastic.
Burned-Hugs to you. I'm fresh out of good advice- I'm more of a horrible warning kind of girl. You know...If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning. LOL I love that saying! Okay, that wasn't very funny, but I hope it made you smile :)
Seeme-Glad you're home. If you find any joints, I'll find a bridge! LOL
Wonderful hubby got me a Nook for my birthday yesterday. Son got me a gift card to get books. Happy me! And we went to by bil's and had frozen drinks and blueberry cobler. Would have been a perfect day except for all the running around I did with/for the parents.
Starting the colonoscopy prep now. Wonder how well Dad will do with it. I have to work in the morning, then take him in. I hope we get some answers soon.
Have had a strange day, just can't seem to keep my mind on anything for very long.... restless, already wishing it was fall, we need to collectivly ask God to just skip Summer next year... it's taking a toll on all of us....
Love ya.ll, more later when I can think...
Burned..so glad you come to vent..glad you are going to therapist and before long all will work out with hubby. Can imagine you are stir crazy being couped up all the time.
Seeme..I'm in for the joint and the bridge!! Ladee would be funny seeing you with a bag!! Breathe breathe. Prayers fr peace my friend.
As for me..am bummed. Brother came Saturday and left a little while ago. Went riding with hubby on Saturday..was a nice time. The bummed part is my brother and I have no real relationship. I have forgives him and pray daily for him. We can't even talk. I try to explain what is going on with dad and I get snapped at. Like he is being defensive. It is ridiculous that we can't even seem to have a civil conversation. So sad. I am very grateful that he Has been coming to visit. It is good for me but even more so that he gets to see parents. Know this is all stupid but my stomach is in knots hate disention and conflict. Don't deal well with it.
Course stupid me I make mistake to say to mom that I do t understand why he won't let me tell him about dad and gets all defensive and snippy. I just leave as fast as I can. She says she doesn't understand about the msunderstanding and doesn't want to talk about. Guess he is telling her stuff too. Oh well. Just needed to write it out of my system.
Dad is more confused today..bowels still not right..always compaining stomach hints. He has a runny nose but clear and getting more confused. Figure he is getting another UTI. Will try to get sample tomorrow and give to hospice to check.
Take care all.
When my dad had his stroke a year ago, he went to this facility but was on the skilled nursing/rehab side. On Fridays, the physical therapists would round up all the rehab patients and they would use big balloons to bat around to each patient. It was very interactive and I noticed how much the patients seem to get into it. I loved to attend these Friday sessions and would use it as a weekly gauge of my dad's progress.
His first time in the group, all he could do was sleep and deliver pant loads of diarrhea. In time, he stayed awake more and when the feeding tube was stopped, the diarrhea stopped. Just when he was clearly enjoying and participating, the staff stopped doing it because it became a problem with Medicare and their billing system.
So I'm wondering if I can get some volunteers together and if the NH staff would approve a group hit the balloon day for the residents on my dads floor. People need to interact and that is so hard for my dad because of his speech issues and hearing issues. So I'm going to check into that. I hope it won't be turned down due to a liability issue.
I think he knows he's not coming home so I am going to have to sit down and talk to him about it. I'm dreading that, but it's like the elephant in the middle of the room. I can tell he has something on his mind and I know he's thinking. I don't want him to feel that I won't be honest with him. I'm open to suggestions here and prayers too.
Well, I have something funny to tell you. Here's some background: Where I live, on the peninsula, the population is much lower and good jobs are not real easy to come by. So when my son decided to leave North Dakota, he moved here to Sequim and lived with us until he found a job. He's a well trained chef, graduated from the Culinary Academy in San Francisco and has lots of experience. The kitchen at this facility was in dire need of direction and quality improvements. So Nick took this job and he has really turned the place around. Not the kind of place he ever imagined working in, but it pays a good salary and he has a good heart for the people that reside there. At first he found it sad and depressing, but he's come to love a lot of these people and when my dad had his stroke I think Nick really felt needed, family wise. Here is was, working in a place that included his Grandfather and keeping an eye on him daily.
So fast forward to NOW. I'm visiting my dad today and he's having lunch in the dining room. It's Sunday, so I didn't expect to see my son working today. I see him stick his head out of the kitchen and hand some paper work to someone. He didn't see me so I walked over to the kitchen door and pushed it open a ways to say hi. I saw him standing there, gruffly giving orders to who I don't know. All I knew is he was saying, "We've discussed this numerous times, now get out, go on, get out of my kitchen." Holy crap, I closed the door quietly and went back to my dad.
Later, Nick found me in my dad's room and naturally I asked what was going on. He said, "Those people think just because they are managers they can just come into my kitchen without a hair net. I don't care if they want to eat, but they better be wearing a hair net." "So I threw them out and I told them you can wear a hair net or you can drive to McDonald's for lunch. I've told you this time and time again, now get out of my kitchen."
Dang, he runs a tight ship. But here's the thing. State showed up this past Thursday. They are always unannounced and they do their inspection of the facility. Nick's kitchen got a 5 star rating with no exceptions. That's hard to do in a kitchen and it takes a lot of team work. States not done yet and could easily pop in to his kitchen again and he does not want to lose all that he and his team have worked toward.
Here's the funny part. Nick leaves my dad's room and a few minutes later this lovely oriental lady comes in. She see's my dad is napping and takes me by the arm to go have a chat. She has the sweetest and warmest manner. We sit down in the empty family gathering room which has chairs and a love seat. She wants me to sit with her on the love seat.....pats the cushion.
She has a really heavy accent, but she touches my hand and tells me she wants to know what I think of my dad's care so far. What does he need, etc. Do I think he is getting good care. I have to listen closely because he English is really broken, but you can tell she really cares.
So I tell her that my dad just got here Wednesday and that I know a lot of the staff and that my son works here to so I feel like my dad is in good hands. She says, "You son work her? Who is son." I said, "My son is Nick who runs the kitchen." "Awe" she says, "Nick is you son. I going to kick his ass. He say to me, where you hair net, where you hair net. Get out of my kitchen. Now I tell him, you mom say you better be nice to me. I going to kick his ass now."
Well, I just busted up laughing. I could tell there was absolutely no malice in her comments and I just found it hysterical. She was the HR manager. Also, I guess I found is so amusing that she would just say that to me. It was too funny.
Then she patted my arm again and said, "You see, the problem is Nick got perfect rating in kitchen. No exception in kitchen. That so hard to do. So many rules and any little thing is exception. Like no hair net. He don't want to get exception now. He have perfect rating. So hard to do. So he say, Where you hair net, get out of my kitchen."
I guess this was the comic relief I needed today. She went on to tell me that even though I know the nurses and have family here. It's important that I watch over my dad and make sure his care is right. And I am to tell her if anything is not to my liking. I assured her I will.
I'm not patting myself on the back here, but I do know a lot of the staff there and they know me. My son told them all at the beginning when my dad went into rehab and they were telling him, "Gee, you mom is really nice." He said, "My mom's a real compassionate person, but she is a straight shooter. Don't ever think you can blow her off or tell her something that isn't true. If you do and she finds out, and she will find out, you will see another side of her that will absolutely take you to task. So don't do it." And that was proven true on several occasions while my dad was in rehab.
What I am coming to realize, at least I hope this is true, is that the residential side is much different than skilled nursing/rehab. Everything in the SN/R side is intense and more crisis oriented. Every patient is coming in with a serious issue and the staff is running their asses off. My heart goes out to any patient that doesn't have an advocate by their side. I learned that it was up to me sometimes to make sure my dad got to the toilet and changed. There were so many patients needing help at the same time. So I was there everyday for 100 days until my dad came home to live with us.
On the residential side, things are more routine and the atmosphere is more connecting and caring. People live here. They are not moving on and it's a whole different ball game.
I feel extremely blessed that many of the people who were on the skilled nursing side have now moved over to the residential side and they all know my dad and like him. They even like me too. They are doing their best to help him adjust and they are trying to help me too. They have more time on the residential side to be close to their patients. So I am hopeful, thankful, but always watchful.
When my dad was in rehab, he always had to eat in the small dinning room. It where people who need assistance with meals have to go. He still needs to be there because he does need prompting and extra help. I use to be at meals with my dad when he was in rehab and I met many other patients. I use to love helping them and talking to those who could talk. I met up with some of them today. One man, who I was especially fond of, has passed away and I know he is happy about that and in a better place, but I saw his wife today. She is a resident too and I use to love to talk with her. She's had an amazing life. It was so nice to see her and speak with her again.
So I have some things to put in my gratitude journal tonight. Some laughs, some tears and maybe a way to help my dad and others. Also a chance to live in my world too.
Keep me in your prayers. Sending you all lots of love and wishes for lighter burdens. Hugs, Cattails
Hope everyone has a good Monday.
Thinking of you Notlike
Notlike, please let us know of Dad's results of his test today... prayers for him for a good outcome and for you , hope you know how much you are loved here and we will be thinking of you today... lots of hugs for you...
Vickie Vic... I am sorry the brother is acting like an ass.... it does make for tension in an already tense situation... try to remember it isn't YOU making him act this way.... he is making choices from what ever place he is seeing the world..... and you can pick the two you feel are not on your side. or you can pick us, you know we have your back, you are loved and appreciated..we know what you do everyday, and we know that you are working so hard on getting your attitude lined up with God's will.... I love ya kid, and know we are on your side....
Lildeb, hope you are feeling better today.... I know how careful you have to be about any kind of infection, so don't let this last too long before checking with your Dr.... hugs to you today...
Burned, you have been posting here a long time, so please know when others share with you how you may be causing yourself more problems with adding alcohol on top of obvious stress, it is simply concern for you...
Seeme, know you are tired, but hope we hear from you and tell us about your Maine adventure.. love ya
I know I haven't mentioned everyone, and sorry, running late for work, but wanted to check in and tell everyone Hi and will be thinking of you today.... ttyl... hugs
I'm trying to eat better, along with trying to get some decent sleep. Had a good breakfast this morning and all that. Really worried about what the doctor has to say about my mom's legs and ribs though. We both already have enough to deal with. One more thing is going to overfill the whole glass. Gotta stay strong and hopeful though, I guess. That's all we have nowadays.
I know I sound like an ungrateful daughter and caregiver, but today has been very stressful. My nasty coworker gave me a hard time about leaving to take Dad. Dad was so scared, he wouldn't be quiet for a minute the whole time we waited for his test. And neither he or Mom seem to get the fact that he's not cured. He thought he could drive tomorrow because the nurse said to resume his normal activities! His "activities" for the past 2 weeks have been sitting in his chair. Mom thought he could go up and down the stairs to do laundry. Argh! I said he has to have 24 hours with regular bowels before he can do all that. He's not out of the woods yet. I've got him saying how much it must be costing me to leave work and drive across town, and her not wanting to pay me the $1 for the carrots she asked for and complaining his Citrucel costs so much. I feel like I'm in a rock and a hard place. Not between- actually IN both!
Sorry to hear some have a cold. And Cat - you described things very well. I hope your Dad settles in soon. Blessings and hugs to everyone.
We picked the hottest days in Maine for the sale and had a wonderful turnout. I got dehydrated and hit the ground the second day. I know better, but was so busy I didn't take time to drink. We unloaded 16 trailors of stuff over the 2 days. I got stuck pricing the furniture and antiques, and we worked sorting things from 7am to midnight every day. I got a nap one day, but I think I passed out. I was mosquito food the whole time, with a case of poison ivy or oak thrown in. I went to sleep at night with Benadryl and spray-on caladryl. I still itch from some of the bites.
Notlike.......Happy Belated Birthday..........when I get a joint, I'll meet you in the Laundry Room.....been there for 2 days anyway.........
Will bore you later with my travels.......I think I'll spread it over 2 weeks so you get the full effect..........I only had one blow-up......with a 14 y/o nephew...........I almost knocked him into next month, I was sooooo mad..........
Seeme, can't wait to hear all the stories..... and let us know when you will be getting the puppies..... I can't wait and I don't even get to pet them....
Well, long day tomorrow, work, then two Dr's appt for son..... gonna go to bed and read for awhile.... hugs to you all, will get caught up tomorrow.....
Peach, you've come to the right place to lay it down for a little while... and yah, we know about sleeping and not feeling rested.... that's the worst thing to feel... so come back and visit.... there's room here for a lot more crazy caregivers.... did I say crazy.... oh, must have been talking about myself..... hugs....