This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Too much to do today, not enough hours in the day sometimes.... and I need to get a haircut... feels like a furry animal is setting on my head.... that would be ok if it talked, then I could freak out some folks, but noooo, it just sets there looking like a crappy hair day.....
Love to you all, later....
notlike......I am so relieved to hear no CA for Dad.....and I have to agree with ladee that maybe it's time to relieve some of your stress and tell Mom to stop being so harsh. Maybe if she knows she has reached the limit she will stop. Are you a July baby too? Guess we celebrated together and didn't know it....:)
burned.....no one here is judging you about the drinking......we all worry about you, that's all. We know you have a tough time of it and need some type of stress reliever.
ladee.....your comment about your hair reminds me of the new Temptations cat food commercial.....the one in the office and the guy with the fuzzy boots that he says are his cats.....what a hoot!
Sending angels to watch over all of you today............
Just got off work, M in alot of pain today, but won't have to have transfusions this week, so she can rest now... S very confused today and telling me about the turkeys outside the window..there were NO turkeys outside..... found out they cancelled his appt with his geriatrician, so when he is seeing turkeys in the bedroom I'll get to say I told you so....
gonna rest for a few minutes then take son to one of his Dr's..... can't wait for this day to be over.... love ya'lll
I am doing a lot of paperwork today......trying to keep donation receipts, toll charges, refunds to sibs for money spent on the houses........little ole bookkeeper, me..... at least I did it for a living, so if hubby won't move any papers, I have it organized.
I feel just as tired as I did when I had mom living here. All the long hours.......no more than 6 hrs of sleep when the sitter was here........I am trying so hard not to take a nap today. I laid down and hubby called before I could fall asleep. Good thing, I guess, as he would have been jealous.
For those of you who do your thing all day with little or no rest, please know I have been there, done that, and you are my heros......love to all of you.
Seemeride, 16 trailers of stuff n $4000 on a 2-day yard sale, boy u did have some stuff to sell. wow! You were soooooooooooo lucky to get that little nappy poo. jk. Our mosquito our consider our state bird. ; ) sorry u were attack n please make sure you get well hydrated n some rest.
Ladee, you r so bad... laughing at that poor newby caregiver. Well, at least you gave her some tips. She will have to learn the rest as she goes for I probable wouldn't give her all the tips either. Because if that was the case, you might as well be their n getting paid for it. Hey, maybe u should start charging for counseling. Is your son okay for you mention he had two appointments? I hope he is okay n it just a regular routine check up.
Rioblu, yes please come back n you can vent a whole lot better than that little bit. I bet u have a lot to say. Let us get to know you n your caregiver experience that is what we r here for, to listen n try to help out. Hang in there.
As for me, still going with this allergy crap n seems to be like a head cold as well. Craop, crap, crap. But, I was determine to see if I could work it out of my system, dumb idea. Well, at least the carpet is clean, I ,mopped the bathroom n kitchen n had to go back where the mnl had to track foot prints just to look at that window out of 20 others in another room she had to walk on wet floor. ah.. Got her fed n full n she wander in her room. I got a shower as well while giving the 3 dogs a bath with the water hose in the back yard. That Belgin Shepard kept shaking the water off every time I try to soak him without getting his head wet n before I could even get the dog shampoo on he is shaking again. Ah! At least I had a leash on him n did I mention he don't like his big toes to be touch. He is a big head dog baby. While I finally got him going good with shampoo here come the othe dog running around as if she was laughing at him so, here he goes again giving me another shower. I finally got big head dog-Connor done n got the other two as well. I got this all done while mnl was taking one of those naps that she don't take. But heaven forbid if I try to get one, no,no, no....
Tomorrow is a whole new fresh day... Oh, I get 4 hr respite break if I can get her out the door n I am sure as hell going to try. That way I can go through her room n clean it up a bit n pick up all those beads that came from her necklace that is all in a drawer n all over place. Stil have this stupid what ever I have but aI think it getting better. As long as I am not running a temp over 100 I am good for I am WOMAN! ; )
I always read every post that appears on the thread, i jst run out of steam alot faster these days....Please forgive me, u know i love u all.
I spent today doing the parents shopping, post office errands, banking, etc...etc...
Im managing to get things done with my good hand, but it has been a challenge. The recovery of my left hand has been quite difficult, but im sure it hasnt helped that i have resumed all my caregiving responsibilities...but it jst has to be this way, n im doing the best i can.
Dad was so confused today. I cant imagine wat goes on is his mind when he gets this way. All i kno to do is to follow his lead, and talk him thru watever has him confused or agitated. He seems to be walking (with a cane) much better since we took him in for cortisone shots in both knees. It looks like i will have to get him to the ortho dr again, soon, for an epidural shot in his lower back. He's in constant pain with either one or the other, n it breaks my heart.
After i did all the errands, i went home n my phone was ringing...so i ran in to grab it......it was dad!!!!! I had jst barely pulled into my driveway, n he calls me.....again. He wanted to kno wat time i had taken mom to breakfast that morning....I said.."Dad, mom never left the house this morning...she's been right there with u all morning." He didnt believe me....suddenly...i hear my mom pick up the other line......O,hell, no.......not this again!!! She proceeds to tell him he's crazy, then he spews back for her to get off the line,"IM TALKING TO MELINDA".....then she yells back....."MELINDA DOESNT WANT TO LISTEN TO ALL YOUR CRAZY TALK, SO LEAVE HER ALONE!!" I just stayed silent, listening to them going back n forth, while i quietly sharpen the small knife that lay on my kitchen counter....Should i jst slice my own throat, no.....maybe just a firm push in the direction of my weary heart might do the trick....i was deep in thought on my plan of escape, n suddenly my day dream comes to an abrupt halt....'MELINDA.....R U LISTENING TO UR FATHER?. HE'S MAKING ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AND I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?...THAT'S IT.....I DONT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE....JST KILL ME NOW N KEEP UR DAD AT YOUR HOUSE."...
Well.........jst how does one respond to such a call????......Here's wat i've decided is best..............A DIRECT HIT TO THE HEART....!!!!!!!! I managed to calm them both down, n as my mother posed her final question to me, "WHAT R WE GOING TO DO, MELINDA?" My answer....."Laugh, mom........its jst u n me.........jst laugh!"
U know wat??....That's exactly how we left each other after the conversation.....laughing..Whew!!! don't kno how many more of those i have left in me....so...i'll just keep sharpening my little knife...jst in case...LOL
Notlike...so happy to hear the news about dad, but i kno u still have a long wait ahead. Ur always in my prayers....stay strong..ur awesome....huge hugs
Seeme...so glad ur home safe....if u can get to CA.....i have a joint with ur name on it....LOLOLO...THAT is jst a joke.......................cuz i smoked it already..in ur honor, of course......love ya, girl
Burned....ur a lucky lady, my dear....u have many people who care about u on this thread...i hope their posts do not fall on deaf ears....be careful....hugs
Ladee..once again...i love ya more than my luggage!!! (I really love my luggage, n i dont even travel......WTF....)
I keep all of u in my thoughts everyday...u have become sisters to me....how many woman can say they have sisters all across the country??? U have all brought such blessings into my life with ur support, encouragement, wisdom, sensitivity, compassion......n most of all....laughter.............thanku, from the bottom of my soul....bcuz my heart is temporarily OUT OF BUSINESS!!!!!!! LOL
My son was in a bad car accicent the first part of April, many broken bones a crushed leg, ribs, shoulder blade, arm..... he is actually starting to put some weight on the crushed leg now that he is finally able to do PT..... it was a bad wreck.... and it's taken almost four months for him to get back on his feet... I'll let him know you asked about him.. even tho he was in and out while in the hospital, he knew all of ya'll were pulling for him and helping me to do what mama's do....He still has a long long ways to go, but better everyday. thanks for asking....
that's part of the reason I have been so tired.... tend to M and S, some days work split shifts, and in between tending to son... Dr's appt, ect.... and the heat is killing me....
Hope you feel better soon, I could just see the dog shaking the water off, but bet it felt good as hot as it is.....
Yeah, you are WOMAN hear you roar.... funny...... hugs to you....
And step away from the knife, lay it down and step away... it's going to be ok, and at least you and mom were laughing by the time you got off the phone... and hey, is it a full moon any time soon...???? S has been very restless and we had a long conversation today about the 'turkeys' in the yard...... there were no turkeys that I saw , but he did, so we just talked turkey..... ohhhh that was just wrong wasn't it.... lol......
So, it's been a long day, I'm tired, picked up the wrong end of my cigarette while ago, burned fingers.... so think I will call it a day..... maybe it was the talking about the funny cigarettes that had me confused..... and before anyone gets on a roll (LOL) here, it's a JOKE.... I haven't smoke anything fun in over 28 years..... no wonder I'm so cranky...... hugs across the miles to you all....
Notlilke: Keeping you and your dad in my prayers. Glad cancer has been ruled out, but hope a solution to the problem is found.
Lideb: Get better. Give us an update of your dad and step mom when you get more info.
Beck: My heart goes out to you. Stay away from neckties and sharp objects.
Ladee: You are always a bright light. Glad your son is improving and hope you get some rest. Your humor and kind words always lift spirits.
Vic: Hope things improve. You do so much for your parents. Hang in there.
Rioblue and Darcy: Hope you stay with this thread. Lots of good people who share your world.
I took my dad a cheeseburger for lunch today and we had lunch, privately, just the two of us. I told him my hubby was having some medical problems and essentially explained that he would be at the facility for some months so we could have time to get ourselves together. He was clearly concerned about my husband and asked me, "How old is he now?" So we talked about him being there and I reminded him that Nick was there and that the nurses, Karen, Christy and Julie, really cared about him and wanted to make him happy. I asked him if he was upset with me. He seemed surprised by the question and said, "No." So I told him how much I loved him and he said he loved me too. I promised I would be there all the time to see him and bring him special lunches.
Later, back at the nurses station, Christy asked him how his hamburger was. He was all smiles and she hugged him and he laughed.
Things went well and I did feel a big load off my shoulders when I left. He's really a nice man and I wish he was well and independent like he use to be. Bless his soul. I do love him and we will carry on.
Love to all of you, Cattails.
Burned, I think this is the first time you have ever aknowledged that others are trying to help you....and no, we don't walk in your shoes, we really have no idea what your life is like.... and I am happy you didn't take offense or feel judged when others were trying to help guide you in a different direction.... all I can do is pray for you, that you get a break soon, finacial help, a new job, some respite, you have been here for a long time... and people really do care about your situation....
Seeme, did you bring ME something from all that stuff??? You know that sometimes it's ALL ABOUT ME.... glad you are home....
Stormy, sorry you are depressed... but was glad to hear dad was able to stay alone.... How is your bil? keep us posted on your situation....
Darcy, glad you feel you have found a safe place to have your feelings... our feelings aren't right or wrong, but it's so nice to have people to share them with....
I can not believe it is only Wed.... I feel like I could sleep for a week....
lildeb, ya, it's a miracle he wasn't killed or killed someone else.... the hospital they took him to was 2 1/2 hours away... I do not remember any of that drive there.... didn't know anything on how bad he was hurt, Hiway patrol came and told me, all they said was he was a Code 3..... what ever in the hell that means to a scaired mama!!!!! He was in surgery 4 hours with them trying to put him back together.... so yes, it's a blessing he is still here to get on my last nerve.... that's my boy, his whole purpose in life is to make me worry......
Jam, did you have a big fish fry from the fish out of the drying up pond.... but I am confused.... you don't want them to die, so you kill them anyway and eat them.???? I know I am dense sometimes, so I am missing something here....
I know I have missed someone this morning.... it has been a long week and it's only half way over... this old lady is needing some serious time off.....
Hugs across the miles to all of you... find one thing to be grateful for today....
Not to get personal, but I don't imagine you have much of a sex life, if any, and there is really no one in your life that is there for your needs or to make your days, nights or your heart a little lighter. And, yes, you are in your 30's so that's a big loss.
When your best friend moved to your area, you talked a couple of times about the two of you going out and having some drinks. Or maybe she came to your place. I don't remember, but I worried a bit then because it is normal to want to have some fun, but I hoped it didn't get you into a bad place with alcohol and partying.
I can understand having a glass of wine at the end of the evening to help you relax and get some sleep, but it can be a slippery slope and you were the one who said you were drinking too much. I'm not criticizing or judging you at all. Just don't want you to add another problem to the burdens you already carry.
I'm glad you see a therapist and have someone you can talk to about your daily life. I wonder if you could talk to him/her about how you can build your self esteem during these difficult times. I may not explain this well, but what I am trying to say is if you can find a way to manage all the difficulties with less anger and a less defensive attitude you will feel better about your self and the situation.
Learning new skills to handle stress and difficult circumstances; one that gives you a sense of personal pride and peace, will do so much for your sense of self. You are a fighter and you've defended yourself a lot in your life. It's how you were raised and it is a natural response for you. It's how you survived. But sometimes what you project is what you get back.
I'm not saying anything is your fault. What I am saying is that the circumstances are what they are and you may not be able to change them. All you can do is change yourself and how you respond to them. You have so many people you have to work with in caring for your family. If you can learn new coping skills and get through difficult problems with with less anger and frustration, you will see change in your life. You will see change in your children too; maybe even your husband. You will be the center of positive change for your family.
I am saying this with love and the best of intentions. We all need to work on our coping skills and how we treat and relate to other people. It's a life long process and every time we manage to handle something better, getting what we need without alienating others, we feel better about ourselves.
Keep an open mind and talk to your therapist about this. Bring up an example of someone you had a confrontation with, what you wanted from that person, what you got and how you could have handled it better. I'm not talking about your sis or extended family. Just your everyday life right now.
You have tremendous potential. Your kids will both be going to school this year and that will open some doors for you. Anything you can do to improve yourself in managing anger and frustration will open even more doors for you..
Sending you love and comfort. Cattails
Let my begin by saying that Cattails post to u is about as true n honest as it gets...I only wish i had Cattails in my life wen i was at my lowest....but, we BOTH have her wisdom now....a blessing, for sure....
Whether or not u r struggling with an addiction of any kind, is certainly none of my business....i can only surmise by ur posts that u r having some difficulties juggling all the immense responsibilities that r ur life. Im about to say some things here, without judgment or criticism included, bcuz, i know, first hand.....that approach never works and its a dangerous path to travel with anyone who is already judging n criticizing themselves. We r certainly r own worse enemy.....at least i kno that i am..
Im a 53yr old woman, married 30 yrs to my high school sweetheart, mother of 3 grown kids, daughter n caregiver to both my beautiful parents............n....to sweeten my history even further......a pain pill addict for more than 30yrs of my life.
Mind u.....a "legitimate" addict..(that always makes addicts like myself...feel justified...lol)...never the less.....i will b in need of these meds for the rest of my life.
Wen i look back over those years, i've had to ask myself..."Mel, have u been responsible n used ur meds bcuz of "legitimate" (there's that word again....)pain, or have u used them wen ur life as jst become an f-n pain."....there's a monumental difference. Whenever i meet someone who says that they have used pills, or alcohol to ..help them sleep...or, escape my crazy life for jst a little while...or...i deserve it..i work hard n need a break (Ive used all of these, by the way!!), it raises a red flag for me, bcuz,as an addict......this is the first sign of rough waters ahead..
I have been judged n criticized by more people than i care to count because of my addiction n the behaviors i have shown to others wen under the influence. Unfortunately....one cannot b a pill addict without alcohol being close behind....They go hand in hand.....always....
I have jst come thru the most difficult 9 mnths with my kids bcuz of behavior i exhibited on thanksgiving day...2011....Ladee knows my story, but i have no problem sharing it with all of u...who knows....it may b someones epiphany.....i pray that it is..
As of yesterday...i am now speaking to all of my kids for the first time in 9 mnths. They have judged my actions of that day, very harshly, and left me without a shred of dignity....i hated myself, everyone else around me, n i'll b perfectly honest when i say...i wanted to die. I jst thought after all the embarrassment n humiliation i had caused my family.....it would b best for all ,that i call it quits....thank God i never went thru with that thought.
To have ones life judged, criticized, scrutinized, n held under a microscope to b shredded, cell by cell, is more than anyone should have to endure. It's not right. As u have mentioned.....no one here has walked in ur shoes n lives the pressures that ur life has demanded of u to take care of.....by urself...... i get it.......i think all of us here....get it...I say to u, with complete, n heartfelt sympathy......im sry that ur life is so hard right now.....but there seems to be more here than jst the pressures of your home life that concern myself n others on this thread....Dont misunderstand my intention here.....im no AA group traveling cyber-space...although i do attend a group that has helped me understand myself more clearly n helped me to stay accountable, at all times, wen i think i need my meds...I always must double check my intention before taking that next dose...Is my pain level beyond wat i can tolerate to get through that particular moment?.......many times....absolutely.......or....Am i taking that next dose, or drink, bcuz im fed up, tired, beaten down by the world n all who reside in it......! Am i taking it to jst escape for awhile....feel high...afterall..that IS the payoff for a drug or alcohol abuser....the high keeps us comin back for more...at least it has been the payoff for myself.... I've had to learn to face the challenges of my everyday existence with my "intention" first n foremost as my internal guide...Not easy....n i have not always won that internal battle, but i have certainly come a long way....n..today...i can honestly say....my "intention" guides me well.
Im not sure why i decided to go this route with u, except that i sense that u r in that place where u r beaten down..exhausted..mis-understood...lost...hopeless...unappreciated...taken advantage of.......Burned....the list goes on n on....I get it...n wen we r in that place, some of us reach for that drink, or that bottle of pain pills to make it all go away....It wont work!! Wen u come out of that fogginess, ur still right back where u started...only feeling even worse about urself for taking that "much deserved" break... We all deserve those breaks....but we deserve to have our dignity entacted once the break is over..
I lost my self worth n dignity for many years...n i have worked long n hard to regain myself n my family....but i must always remember....im only 1 dose n 1 drink away from starting all over again....Intention....always start from intention..
I think, along with ur therapist, u should ask urself some difficult question, n answer them with complete honesty to urself first....this is not as easy as it sounds..Look at ur self in the mirror...revisit those moments where u've needed something to get u thru ur ,already, difficult life n circumstances. R u making excuses, as i have, to justify, wat could be a serious problem?? Ask ur children how they view there mommy on a given day....there is where the rubber truly meets the road. Children see everything and make a decision about us by the example that we set each day..I'll never forget wen i picked my youngest up from 2nd grade, and as we entered the house, she turned to me n said, "Mommy, can u take ur pain pills so u can help me with my homework?" I had no idea that she even paid attention or noticed that i would pop a few pills before homework time...WOW....a memory that has never left me nor her...she is 20yrs old now....Regrets r hard, and cruel.....but exist for a reason.
Ur actions n behaviors are being closely watched. Please....always b aware of that. I worry about u, bcuz i have lived thru the outcome of my choices, n thank God...i still have my kids...
Just b honest with urself......really honest.....U may not have a problem at all, n i may b spouting off words that dont apply to u, but i sense something in your posts that is almost a silent cry for help..I jst wanted u to know.....there someone out here in CA that really does understand the struggle.....i jst dont want it to become the demon....
I'll apologize, up front, if i have crossed a line with this post...If anything.....mayb it will be of help to someone, n if any of wat i have shared, applies to ur life, i hope i have helped in some way...I admire wat u do for ur family,Burned....I jst want u to come to a place where u can admire urself.......God Bless u, sweetie.......huge hugs from sunny CA....
My father is doing as well as he will be doing. My sister is hanging in there.
My Dear Hubby stays so sad now that he understands that he will not get better.
I had a great weekend at the lake. Thank you DIL. She paid for everything. My son OKed the whole trip. He is a long haul trucker. We took one of the grandkid's. Ashlyn (9 yo). I played with her in the pool all afternoon. So much fun.
DIL was so sweet. She made me feel so relaxed and so loved. Even bought me a drink called a mudslide.(LOL) I might have a drink maybe one or two times a year. She handed it to me then started laughing. I ask her what was so funny.
she said oh nothing, i just want you relaxed. All this and her knowing I am not a drinker. Never had one before. Found out that sucker had 4 kinds of booze in it.
LOL!!! HUGS to all of you. Wanda B.
Love, Cattails
Stormy, I am so sorry you are feeling depressed n I am actually feeling a little bit better n I feel a little selfish. I hope you can get yourself out of that depressed mode for that can be a bummer. Been their n done that. Can you go outside n just listen to the birds n try looking at the pretty clouds in the blue sky n see if u can visualize anything thing from the clouds? It sometimes help me n gets my mind off of things. I do hope you get to feeling better soon.
Cattail, as for the parents, dad is loving all the attention from the nurses at the rehab n they did transfer the SM yesterday but she is in a separate room. Maybe that will give each other an incentive to visit each other or not. my what ever I got is now trying to break up out of my chest since my running nose has stopped. Not sure which is better but running nose or cough your brains out what little I have left. ; ) At least the throat, nose n ears r feeling a bit better. Plus, I got a 1.5 hr nappy poo. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz it felt great.