This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Stormy-thinking of you, hon. Hugs.
Lildeb-thanks to you and others for the understanding. Hey, at least you and the dogs got a shower! I missed one for a few days this past week...too tired, and nowhere to go important enough to care :)
Ladee-we should just set all the newbies in this world, and my Mom, down with you for a "talk". How much better things would run! :) Glad son continues to improve. Hugs.
Seeme-I am so lucky I'm not anywhere near where your rummage was! I would have bought 1/2 the stuff! Ah, another vice of mine...unlike the wacky weed vice, which for me is just a cyber joke. My two frozen drinks last weekend were probably my last ones for the summer...I had a darn headache after drinking them. It sucks to be out of practice (JK)
Beck-you always make me laugh :) Leave the little knife alone - if surgery can't get you out of caregiving, a paper cut isn't going to do it either! LOL
Cat-glad you talked with your Dad. He definately has an excellent shot of settling in where he is...with all the nice people, it sounds like a good place.
Dad is feeling better. Still having some looser BM's, but not as bad. Hopefully we will hear something next week. He's lost 15 pounds already...and I have to go the gym just to loose 7! :(
Mom had a brain MRI yesterday. We'll get the results on Friday. She is getting tired again more easily. One day at a time with her. I've also impressed more than once on her that Dad needs rest. I guess I'll know when I need to step in more, both to her and for her. So far, the time just doesn't feel right. I know she will resist no matter what, so I better make it worth my while.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Wishing you more moments of love and happiness. Hugs, Cattails
Only u know if u are in any danger of misusing medications n alcohol....n only u know the reasons when n why u use them. I jst wanted to share some of my struggles with this same issue in hopes of reaching somebody in need of the help. If that is not you...then, God Bless...keep it up..
As for that "lil" patch of grey hair u discovered......let me b the first to congratulate u on that one!!!! I look at my grey hair as hard earned, silver strands of honor and commitment...lol....except...i took it a bit too far, n i now have a "Crop" of honor n commitment on my head......lol...too much of a good thing aint always so good..haha...U take care, young lady....jst kno there r people who care about u, n this will always remain a safe place , should u need it....much love n hugs....hope u get some rest tonite..
Recently she has been putting nasty comments on my facebook page about me taking advantage of my parents. I removed her from my facebook and blocked her. I don't need that. After that my brother said that he wanted to give me a heads up, that the 2 sisters (who normally hate each other.) were talking and decided that my parents should get a small house near the sister who lives 1 1/2 hours from here... where they could live ALONE. She could "check in on them once a week or so?!" My mom can't even toilet alone. Can't get out of the chair most of the time without strong assist. ??? Needs constant supervision. I decided to send out an "update" of what a typical day looks like here, so my siblings could see what goes into caring for my.... OUR parents. I spared very few graphic details, including what goes into toilet cares, meals, etc. to let them see that their uninformed idea would not work.. though I didn't mention that my brother told me anything.
Now my AK sister wrote to me last night that our parents are broke because of ME living here with them... that I should have never gotten involved with caring for them. That she thinks it best we just sell their house and put them in a nursing home. Period... she had a lot of nasty things to say about me, my family as well. ??? I think it would kill my dad living in a nursing home. i know how they are. My dad would end up feeling like HE had to do everything for my mom, as they don't have enough staff to provide the cares she is used to.
Anyway, my parents don't want to move. They don't want to sell the house. They are NOT broke. I don't get paid/compensated in any way for caring for them... it would cost a LOT more to live in a nursing home!? They don't want to help. I get that. But why does it bother them so that I am doing what i can to care for them the best I know how?? This is the short version. I am just frustrated!
You mentioned before that your brother comes over and works on projects with your dad, so I would assume that he loves your parents and is involved. What does he think? Will he be supportive of you getting Power of Attorney for your dad? Does he share your feelings about a nursing home?
I don't know why your sisters are being so difficult or why it bothers them that you are there. You did mention before that your two children live there too and that your had lost your home before moving in with the folks. Maybe that has something to do with it.
I think you dad has made it clear to you that you are needed and they could not manage without you. You also said that sometimes he worries that he is supporting all of you? Maybe he voiced that concern to one of your sisters. Do you think that is possible?
I think, from your other thread, that the bone of contention is that you have no income. I realize that you put in tons of hours with your mom's care and you dad uses that time during the day to escape to his garage. He needs the break from your mom and you give him that and give her the care she needs.
I don't know if your brother is an ally, but if he is, is it possible that you could work in your nursing profession for 2 days a week and that the cost of an in-home caregiver could be shared between you, your dad and your brother?
Just trying to think of a way for you to bring in some income and also keep parents at home. Also, Darcy, you need some time to yourself. You can't live like this 24/7, caring for your parents and having your dad worried about money and your sisters stirring up trouble.
There are some amazing care givers on this site. Please join in and stay with us. We want to support you and help you find a way to resolve the outside stress of this situation. Please know that you are in safe company. Not all suggestions are helpful. Mine may not work, but stay with us and know we care. Hugs, Cattails
Sounds to me like you are burned out from doing all of this 24/7 with no help. How are you living without any pay from them?
I think the anger and irritability is made worse by the seroquel she takes, but her doctors want her to stay on it. I lowered her dose slowly over a few months from 1/2 of 25mg tablet to about 1/8 (a tiny crumb) at night because she has increased jaw biting, head nodding and her tongue pushes out her lower lip slightly. I'm afraid to keep her on it, but I'm also afraid of withdrawal if she discontinues it. Could the anger and facial movements get worse even though she is on a tiny dose? She also has a cough, probably from her blood pressure medication, Diltiazem.
SHE HAS BEEN MIA FOR SEVERAL HOURS FROM THE THREAD, N WE ARE VERY CONCERNED..IF U SHOULD SPOT SAID CHICKEN, IT IS VERY POSSIBLE SHE WILL HAVE HER LUGGAGE WITH HER...PLEASE, CAREFULLY PULL UR VEHICLE ALONG SIDE SAID CHICKEN, AND GENTLY THROW A BLANKET OVER HER CROWN, AS NOT TO FRIGHTEN HER, N RETURN HER TO THE AC THREAD, ASAP....N, PLEASE.....DONT FORGET TO BRING HER LUGGAGE......SHE LOVES IT!!!!!
Mom got me out of bed at 5AM, wanting to go to the ER. A few hours later, I got a call from her at the hospital, saying she has a broken rib. None of us (not in the doctor!) knows how it happened, since she hasn't done anything strenuous or suffered from any falls or traumas. Her legs are getting really bad due to her lymphedema. She has another doctors appointment today to figure out what to do. I think they'll just wrap them up again and send her home. She's really suffering.
I'm not doing so well either. I'm becoming more and more upset that I can't afford therapy at all. I've started self-harming again, because I can't cope with being her caregiver. On top of my own issues, it's just too much and it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better anytime soon. In fact, she is placing *even more* responsibility on me in the next few months. I can't take much more of this.
The fact that u r self-harming is extremely upsetting to hear, n, i dont have to tell u that its not the answer to ur problems with mom...its a temporary moment of release of frustrations, i know..but there still there wen the wounds heal...Please...stop...n seek help from someone u can trust...be it family or friend.....or all of us here on this thread. Before u self-harm....post first...let us know how we can help u thru that moment. I understand from ur post that u cannot afford therapy, but r there county agencies in ur area that could help u for free.?...there are agencies here for just that reason...jst bcuz u cant afford therapy doesnt mean ur not entitled to help. Please look into that for urself....u r so worth it...Until u have found the proper place to go....please keep posting ,especially wen the need to harm urself surfaces. There are many support groups out there that u may find very helpful n they may be able to help u find a therapist...
There are days wen my caregiving duties become overwhelming, n i want to take a few more pain meds to escape it all......i come here first.....this group of wonderful people have never failed me...Please...give us a chance to help u, too. I will keep u in my prayers....i kno, all to well, the struggles u r going thru.....it doesnt have to be that way.......Keep reaching out...we're listening, Peach......much love n hugs
Wanted to let you all know that Saturday is PUPPY DAY. Finally. I have been waiting 9 months for this. Feel like I could have had them myself!! Breeder sys Harley and Dyna play and sleep together like they know they are going to the same house.......and Dyna rules!! Girl power!!! And it is supposed to rain on Sat., so I guess I will get used to wet dog smell in a hurry. I will add their picture to my profile.
Need to tell you about the latest pee story on the way to Maine. I told ya'll about hubby having to go into the woods on the hwy between Baltimore and DC the last time, and everyone honking and hollering while he hugged a tree with a bright red shirt on. This time he picked I-287 over the Tappan Zee Bridge in NY. As we slowly go over the Hudson River with 4-5 lanes of traffic, I guess seeing all that water got to him. He screamed at the toll taker when she couldn't get the change right for the car in front of us, but he was polite when we got there. Then he pulls off violently to the right under an overpass. He slammed the van in Park, twisted around somehow and peed in a coffee cup I was saving for such an occasion, and damned near filled it up. All you could see through the driver's window was this NEON LIME GREEN SHIRT!!! His brother passed by us during the event, and the nephews realized right away who it was in the shirt. On the way home, I made sure he was wearing grey or black shirts, and I guess that prevented any further episodes.................
Still messing with papers here. I found telegrams from the 50's announcing hubby's birth, Christmas greetings , receipts for musical instruments from the 40's, have 4 Bibles.......just trying to get things put away and puppy proof. Hope to get some cleaning done before the puppies arrive, cause I won't do it for a while for playing with them.
Hubby's family finally figured out what was wrong with me when I told them I chewed lead paint off windowsills as a child......just so you all know........
Peach, could an antidepressant help? I don't know of many caregivers who aren't on something to make the stress bearable. Let me catch up on the posts. Better living through chemistry, as the saying goes. I am still on one so I can make it through the grief of losing my mom and mil only 8 months apart............
Peach-Welcome, and please consider the caring and advice being shared here. Stress is awful, and we are here to help you share it. We even laugh alot here...believe it or not! Many hugs.
Beck-We need a BOLO on Ladee- you know - a Bring Our Ladee Online! :)
Well, let me entertain you all with the start and end of a little four hour block of time last night...Woke up at about 1:30 AM. I tried to flush the toliet when I was done, but it didn't work. First thought, maybe the chain thingee is kinked. So, half asleep, I open the tank and fiddle with the chain. Then it occurs to my fuddled mind that if I can stick my hand in and wiggle the chain, there is no water. Oh, the well pump switch is out again. Joy. In my house, this gets fixed by percussive maintanence...hitting the switch box with a hammer. So I dig out the flashlight and hammer. Both are in the pantry, because that seemed like a good place for the flashlight, and MY toolbox is also in there. Along with my box of finishing nails that say "Becky's nail's...touch and you die." But that's another story.
Anyway, I go downstairs and open the water closet (cute, huh?). Since I'm almost asleep, I do not see the large, evil spiders waiting in there. I locate the box, and reach only my arm and the hammer in (I still know the spiders are there!) and whack the box. The pump turns back on, so I go back to bed feeling like a DIY queen. Four hours later I wake up for the day, shuffle into the bathroom again, and whack the top of my foot on the corner of the sink cabinet. Before I could pee, I had a goose egg from my pinkie toe across to my big toe! When hubby gets up, there is a hammer on the kitchen counter and I am hobbling around with an ice pack pressure taped to my foot. Lovely man-he asked me very sincerely not to break anythign in the house or on my body until he could get home tonight. The pump is now fixed - he finally got the parts today. My foot is another thing entirely. I will probally be wearing socks and show covers at work tomorrow because I don't think I'm getting the mis-shapen lump into any shoe I own.
At work, the Devil Went Down to Georgia came on, and I said I loved to dance to that song. My coworkers said they would pay to see that, since I am unable to walk through my house without injury! The finks!
Praise the Lord I did not have to clean the bathroom up after one of Dad's accidents this morning, or get up any more during the night to have Mom take a pill. There are small mercies!
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
And yes: Ladee where ARE you? Loved the post about our lost naked chicken! Hope you are ok. We can't go too long without hearing from either of you two great women! Night, kimbee
So often, I would be inside, watching him mow from the window and feeling bad because he has to pick of the slack of taking care of this place. Now we can be partners again and work together and help each other.
It makes my heart sing. Love to all, Cattails.