This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Again, I'm not talking about the drug addict next door or your extended family. I'm talking about people who can be helpful to you if you can better communicate your needs.
Cattails
My mom was taken to the ER again, only I came with her this time. (My first ambulance ride would've been more exciting had it been under different circumstances.) She was complaining of shortness of breath, so we were worried she had punctured her lung, because of her broken rib. She had another x-ray which showed that her lung is just fine, that the fracture was very small and low risk for developing into a more serious issue, and so they gave her a dose of Oxycodone and sent her home.
I've never been more scared in my life. I was terrified that she really had punctured her lung, and was afraid I'd lose her at home or lose her if she had to have emergency surgery. She didn't even want to go to the ER, but I begged her to go. I'm so glad it was nothing serious, but not so thrilled because she was ordered to take it really easy (she did a lot of housework early this morning when I was still asleep!), so now I'm basically in charge of everything. I hope and pray nothing else goes wrong. Neither of us can take much more.
Ohio, thanks for updating. It's very difficult for you to "protect" mil since you are not a blood relative. (Here, hospital wants blood relative and not sil when mom going in ER.) I can see your frustration especiall since husband is not following through with all your hardwork. Every person has a limit on how much they are willing to fight for their marriage, their relationship, etc... You haven't reached that stage. You will continue to fight for your mil (who mistreats you but whom you also love) and your marriage (cuz you love your husband). I understand (sis was like that with her bf). I wish I could give you pointers but it's very difficult for a non-blood relative to do much with the mil. Very Difficult!!! Hugs to you!!
Sorry to hear about your mom. Have you checked with her primary doctor if your mom has brittle bones? Sometimes, people with brittle bones would have fractures from a minor/slight injury. Or if she's taking some kind of medicine that is leaching the calcium from her bone - and now it's brittle? Just a thought.....
With regards to housekeeping, may I say that I am a Terrible Housekeeper. I have No Time to sweep, mop, sanitize my house to perfection. I prepare dinner. I'm sooo tired, I just rinse the food off the plates, and leave it for the next morning - when I'm more energetic (compared to being tired from a full day's work.) The house does not Have to clean all the time, the dishes doesn't Have to be washed right now, the bathroom doesn't Have to be spotless all the time. As caregivers, we are not perfect. Something has to give. It's better that the housework suffers instead of US. Just prioritize what is important Now and what can be done for Later. Hope your mom heals faster. Maybe give her a lot of calcium-enrich food (which includes calcium fortified Orange juice, canned sardines (with the bone), tuna, etc...Try to insert these on your daily meals so that her bones heal faster. Take care!!
Burned....i hope u find some peace for urself at some point...only u can b the one that makes that happen..God Bless
Peach,,,so glad to see u r posting....this is good!! Im sry u went thru such a scare with ur mom, but thank God it was nothing more serious. I understand that feeling u speak of when u say u cant take much more. Between the mnths of Oct thru Feb. of this year, i was in the ER with my dad for 8 separate hip dislocations...each time we got thru it, i would lock myself in the bathroom for a while to have a good cry, bcuz i jst didnt think i could do it again....but..i made it thru, n u will to...Besides the fact that u have youth on ur side...it does help. As sole caregiver, u know, as well as all of us here, that these days happen more than not...Hang in there,sweet girl....n dont forget wat i told u.....wen things become overwhelming, n u want to harm urself.....POST FIRST....give us the 1st opportunity to get u thru it...love ya,girl
Hope everyone had a productive day, n i hope u all have a beautiful weekend..huge hugs, sisters..
She's on a lot of medication right now, which is making her bones a little fragile, I think. Thank goodness, she's slowly weaning off most of them though. I'll definitely try to get her to incorporate more calcium-rich foods though.
I'm relieved to read that I'm not the only one who isn't perfect about housework. I'll remember your words about it, too. "It's better that the housework suffers instead of us."
Beckncall53, thank you for your understanding and support. I've locked myself in the bathroom a few times as well to have a good cry. While we were waiting to hear from the doctor, my mom said that I looked like I was going to burst into tears. I said I was, and she told me to go ahead. I didn't though. I don't want to cry in front of her. It'll only make her feel worse (she feels so guilty that I take care of her). It's nice to have so much support here.
Today is going a little better. She's not showing a lot of signs of shortness of breath anymore. She's taking it VERY easy, like she said she would for me, which is allowing me to have a break, believe it or not. It's a rainy day, so I think she'll be sleeping a lot today.
A lot of people here suggested I contact social services. I did talk to my mom about it. I don't know what we'd qualify for, but she seemed interested in maybe being able to qualify for therapy. She really needs some support too. Thanks to everyone for the advice.
I hope everyone is having a good day, or rather, the best day you can have. You all are in my thoughts.
I'm a shortcut worker...okay..I'm lazy. But a messy house does bother me, especially if an unannounced visitor arrives (to visit the parents). So, to avoid Excess Working, I do things to cut down my housework. I have these small wastebaskets strategically placed all over where my parents bed and visitors sit. I hate to take those extra steps to handcarry the visitor's mess to the kitchen. So, nobody has an excuse Not to throw their mess on the wastebasket next to them. (Doesn't work all the time, though..) I have tissues/napkins all over the place too (so that you can wipe the mess quickly.) I have a small broom in each room (including the restroom, which also has a standing dustpan) for any quick sweeping of the room. I have found that if you do these quick clean-ups, it doesn't get so bad that you get frustrated that the house is a mess and the "Gosh, where do I start?!" Because when housework gets that bad, I don't clean. Younger sis will have to come in and do her famous "spring cleaning" which usually means Everything is Thrown Out!!! And there i am running around saying, "don't throw that, I might need it" or "No, that was expensive." Get it? To avoid sis from coming in, I do my best to keep the house decent. Sigh...
Mom's brain scan came back clear. No new tumors. Apparently, they haven't perfected personality transplants yet, but I will sign her up for the first one available.
My foot is still swollen and many shades of purple. I have one pair of shoes that fit. Yipee, not.
Peach-hope you find some help through social services. Be open to what they have to offer - you never know what might work out.
OhioGal-Okay, I'll bite. I live in Franklin, Wisconsin. It's a suburb of Milwaukee, about 2 hours north of Chicago. Someday, I am going to make it to Texas to visit Ladee, so maybe I can visit all the caregivers on my way :)
Hope everyone's week ends peacefully this weekend. Hugs.
Your poor mom... I swear you need to ask her questions if she has relatives in Tx.... I am almost positive she is M's sister..... no matter what i present to M, whether it be about dinner, giving S a tylenol, or should i make brownies, I am met with why it won't work.... by this past Fri. I was at the rolling my eyes stage...and even slammed a door... not that is a warning, the door slamming....next is the going outside to smoke and think, then we have the TALK....... am so tired of trying to raise M to respect her caregiver....lol....
I really paid attention to the tireder I got , the less patient I was, the less I was able to problem solve in a quick and meaningful way, did a lot of deep sighing while I was waiting for S to do his OCD shirt tucking and hand drying..... but I did the deep sigh reaaaalllll slow so he wouldn't know I was getting agitated..... would never want to hurt his feelings.... M on the other hand, Iet her see me getting upset, then she calms down with some of her whining..... I feel like a babysitter of Frick and Frack.... I practically danced to my car Fri. afternoon..... that's why ya'll haven't heard from me... just needed to sleep and not think about anything for a few hours.....
Notlike, I am sorry your dad is still having problems....let us know what you have to go to get some results..... and ignore mom if you can... I know you are tired and worried and our wall comes down a little when we are like that, and the stupid stuff slimes over the top and contaminates us..... so hang in there... take care of dad, and mom is going to be mom... damnit....
For everyone else, I'll try to get caught up. if not just know I love ya'll and you are each in my prayers......
The good news for the week... SEEME GOT HER FURBABIES TODAY..... she said she would post her avatar pic of them.... can't wait...For those of you who don't know, they are 8 wk. old Old English Sheepdogs...... I'll let her tell ya'll the details, she's a proud mama tonight..... hugs across the miles to all of you...
Notlikemom, thank you for the encouragement. I'm sorry to hear that your foot is so swollen. What happened to you, if you don't mind my asking? That must make your job a lot of harder. I'm sorry about that. :(
Well, Peach, just let me say this about housekeeping, IT SUCKS. I recently put my dad in nursing home care. It was a very hard decision, but I needed to do it. For the first time in a year, I actually feel like cleaning my house. Bear in mind, I have been house bound for all this time and, as a result, I should have the cleanest house in the world. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. When your spirit is sagging, you just don't have the energy or desire to clean. On a recent occasion, I went to visit my Granddaughter over Mothers Day weekend. When I came back I was a cleaning machine. That lasted for about a week. Getting a break is the best incentive to cleaning. Be kind to yourself. Glad Bookworm gave you some good pointers.
Hey, Peach: I posted on your other site about calling the Area on Aging and seeing what they could do for you. I suggested a caregiver support group. It would be so good for you to meet some folks (like all of us) face to face and not be so alone. Think about it. Sending you lots of hugs.
Notlike: Bless you. I am praying for you and dad and hoping mom with lighten up. She probably won't, but I'm praying.
Ohio: Wish you would update us on your life. Been really missing you on your thread.
Ladee: What can I say to you. You make us all smile and I's sorry you've had a difficult time. Must be bad to get you down.
Beck and Sharyn: Here's the honest truth. I don't like the heat which is one of the reasons I left the valley. Never regretted it. I lived there for 30 plus years, but the summers just bummed my out. It was gradual, although I knew I didn't like it, but when the Fall came I just blossomed and that's when I realized how much I had faded during those 100 plus temps. Happened every year. Don't know how you and the other heat magnets do it. I'm so happy that the two of you will be meeting on Monday, but no one has had any success in getting me back to the valley in the summer. Oh, and did I mention how much I hate that Tule fog. Even the birds won't fly in that stuff.
However, Beck, Sharyn, Ladee: If you ever want to get to a cooler climate, I can invite you to Sequim, Wa. I'd love to meet you and if it's not summer, I can put you up. We would have a great time together. This is a serious offer.
Beck and Sharyn: I can tell you one thing that would temp me to take a flight to Fresno and it would be a drive to Cambria. Use to love to go there. My favorite place. Too expensive to move there, but what a great place to visit. That is the one thing I miss.
Love and Hugs to all, Cattails
Also, I'm sorry, Cattails. I must've missed where you told me about Area of Aging. I've just looked it up now, and they seem to offer a lot of good resources, even resources for caregivers. I know of one local caregiver support group (saw an ad at the hospital for it awhile ago), but right now, I have no ways of attending the meetings. I'm not able to drive at the moment, but really puts a damper on where I can go. I hope that changes soon though.
In my case I am a long distance caregiver for Dad who is in assisted living And Sis. who lives in Al. I care for Hubby 24/ 7 at home. Hubby has ALZ/ Dementia, along with other health issues.
We spent all day this past Thur. at the VAMC here in Atlanta. At least they gave me some constructive info for a change.
I deal with all of this stuff and then deal with my own health problems. I have kidney problems, stage 4 CKD, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis (since I was 27) heart and asthma issues. (LOL) better watch out I just might fall apart anytime(HEHEHE).
I am blessed that I have really good neighbor's. The men around here spend time with my hubby and that gives me a break sometimes for an hour or more.
Oh yeah I live in Marietta, Ga. Thanks for reading my vent today. Wanda
YEAH FOR FURBABIES: That's so exciting. I have 2 Shelties, Mattie and Marcus. Talk about FUR. Each has gotten their "Day of Beauty" this weekend. That means I give them a bath, blow dry them, brush them and vacuum them. Focused on Marcus Friday. He's just a big love sponge and adores to be fussed on. It's an all day process, repeating the drying, brushing, vacuuming steps during the day with breaks in between. Mattie was all forlorned because Marcus was getting all the attention. She got her day yesterday, so her sense of self has been restored. Unfortunately, a clean dog is a shedding dog, so the brushing a vacuuming will continue for a long time. Crazy dogs just love the vacuum brush attachment. They just crowd in around me and take their turns.
Beck, I've heard training men is a lot like training dogs. Hows your sweet Lily doing?
Have a good day everyone. Love, Cat
The picture is what we got up to this morning. They used the bed, a crate mat, for a pee pad, the "roamer" hit the poop paper some of the time, the Female, Dyna, has been nicknamed "Dyna-mite" by Ladee already, and she is......The gate net is broken on her side, the left. Only took one night for her to do that. It had lasted through 2 other dogs.........gotta go wake them up, or I will never get to sleep tonight................later............
Ladee Lou..glad you are getting some rest..you are missed
Notlike..wish I could fix dad for you then you would have more energy for moms rants! This last bout dad had with the Diareha ..I fed him the bananas and we gave him sprite. The children's pedialite has helped at times too. Prayers sweet one.
Dad is back on antibiotics..he is slowy becoming more alert. He even fed himself pretty good today! He is just skin and bones....but he is able to respond when we talk to him and is more interested.
Vic and Notlike: Sending you love and prayers for your dads.
Hugs, Cattails
I am loving me some furbabies.... OMG if I lived close by, I would stay up at night with them Seeme, and made sure they did their business in the grass..... I can not believe how big they are and only 8 wks. old..... was so good to hear you and Mike laughing and enjoying them..... and Dyna-mite chewing on concrete..... that's my girl.... !!!!!
Will be working split shifts this week as the new lady is getting a vacation.... hmmmm, what is wrong with this picture..... But M has gotten to where she thinks I am the only one that can do certain things..... NOT.... sorry, my ego is not so fragile that I think the world will fall apart if I am not the one doing everything... trying to give M time to make some adjustments becasue some compromise is called for here... I am not going to do all the work and then the evening shift comes in and sets on their ass..... not happenin'...... not in Ladee's world anyway....'
Am going to take a long weekend this coming month.... I don't even have to go into why.... everyone one of you already know.....
Prayers for all of you with sick and decllining elders... S is in a serious decline, needing a lot more supervision.... didn't recognize his daughter the other day... that was a first.... so, prayers for my sweet little S man....
Well, need to go get some things finished.... love, hugs and angels....