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I appreciate all of ur concern for me but as one person said its like the hamster on the wheel going going and not stopping itself. I may be in a dark spot but I am not fully in the heart of darkness. I have lost everything all dear to me my family and now what I am doing. I do hold myself accountability for my actions and do not self indulge in liquor all the time which is what I want to make clear and I do not abuse my medications either. I do not go out ask for pills like a certain neighbor who has crossed the lines and made clear to her that i do not want her influence around my children. I have taken my own personal steps fighting the idea of drinking and limiting it so forth. I rarely get appreciated by husband family for what i do and demanded to cite his health when they refuse to keep in touch. Its not my job anymore. I know I am grieving for my grandma patsy still and grieving for the loss of a relationship with my siblings& barely solid relationship with my own family...so I am not throwing out anger or pity. I am just being honest with myself most of the time and I am clear minded besides very forward & blunt to the point it scares most ppl but not my husband or the few friends I have so I will continue to be strong and find a way to not let some ideas by themselves become an addiction because I am not addict. I am on the tip of a melting iceberg that is getting smaller. As I have also stated before we all come from different walks of life and no one can wear the shoes we wear or sacrifice as much as we have to do what is necessary for our loved ones and the ones outside of our realm rarely have the patience to see what we daily. Pls continue to pray that I get the job at the school and also increase in hrs as my husband caregiver
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Burned: That was one of the things I was talking about. You being "very forward and blunt to the point that it scares most people." If you could get some pointers from your therapist on how to handle situations that arise without alienating people it would open more doors for you. Think of the job you want at the school. Think of the people you "have" to work with in your day to day life. You can be firm without ending relationships with people that you need to get along with. That's what I was meaning when I said, "What your project outward is often what you will receive in return."

Again, I'm not talking about the drug addict next door or your extended family. I'm talking about people who can be helpful to you if you can better communicate your needs.

Cattails
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Hello again, everyone. I hope everyone is alright today, staying healthy and taking care of themselves.

My mom was taken to the ER again, only I came with her this time. (My first ambulance ride would've been more exciting had it been under different circumstances.) She was complaining of shortness of breath, so we were worried she had punctured her lung, because of her broken rib. She had another x-ray which showed that her lung is just fine, that the fracture was very small and low risk for developing into a more serious issue, and so they gave her a dose of Oxycodone and sent her home.

I've never been more scared in my life. I was terrified that she really had punctured her lung, and was afraid I'd lose her at home or lose her if she had to have emergency surgery. She didn't even want to go to the ER, but I begged her to go. I'm so glad it was nothing serious, but not so thrilled because she was ordered to take it really easy (she did a lot of housework early this morning when I was still asleep!), so now I'm basically in charge of everything. I hope and pray nothing else goes wrong. Neither of us can take much more.
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Darcy, I agree with seeme. I'd make a copy of that letter and frame That copy. I would keep the original safe with my other valuable mementos. I know exactly how you feel when a Family Member actually praises you. One morning, I was so frustrated with parents, I sent a nasty text to family next door ("borrowed" without asking me!) After I text it, I calmed down, and then felt soooo bad. I sent an apology text to all and explained what triggered my nastiness. Sil text back that she understood and that I'm a good person under pressure. I cried...I still have that text. Too bad I can't print it and frame it!

Ohio, thanks for updating. It's very difficult for you to "protect" mil since you are not a blood relative. (Here, hospital wants blood relative and not sil when mom going in ER.) I can see your frustration especiall since husband is not following through with all your hardwork. Every person has a limit on how much they are willing to fight for their marriage, their relationship, etc... You haven't reached that stage. You will continue to fight for your mil (who mistreats you but whom you also love) and your marriage (cuz you love your husband). I understand (sis was like that with her bf). I wish I could give you pointers but it's very difficult for a non-blood relative to do much with the mil. Very Difficult!!! Hugs to you!!
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Hi Peach, I too had my first ambulance ride this year for my mom (her stomach tube came out.) I'm under 5 ft tall. So, when I had to buckle up, my legs were dangling. There was no armrest. Can you believe, I felt more vulnerable on that ambulance than I would have on a regular car? If we had an accident, I would have nothing to hang on to and my legs would have no floor to keep me steady. Hated the ride.

Sorry to hear about your mom. Have you checked with her primary doctor if your mom has brittle bones? Sometimes, people with brittle bones would have fractures from a minor/slight injury. Or if she's taking some kind of medicine that is leaching the calcium from her bone - and now it's brittle? Just a thought.....

With regards to housekeeping, may I say that I am a Terrible Housekeeper. I have No Time to sweep, mop, sanitize my house to perfection. I prepare dinner. I'm sooo tired, I just rinse the food off the plates, and leave it for the next morning - when I'm more energetic (compared to being tired from a full day's work.) The house does not Have to clean all the time, the dishes doesn't Have to be washed right now, the bathroom doesn't Have to be spotless all the time. As caregivers, we are not perfect. Something has to give. It's better that the housework suffers instead of US. Just prioritize what is important Now and what can be done for Later. Hope your mom heals faster. Maybe give her a lot of calcium-enrich food (which includes calcium fortified Orange juice, canned sardines (with the bone), tuna, etc...Try to insert these on your daily meals so that her bones heal faster. Take care!!
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Cat...it was so nice to read ur post about the beautiful day u spent with hubby. I bet that felt a lil strange, considering u use to watch hubby from the window, wishing u could b out there joining him. The most simple n mundane of tasks can take on something completely different wen we jst pay attention......i was jealous of ur "moment with the mower"...so, I thought i would recreate that moment for myself...it went something like this: It happened to be a beautiful afternoon here in Stockton, n i was admiring my garden while my dog, Lily, followed close behind...I noticed that i should probably mow the lawn...my hubby would b sooooo happy to come home to a freshly cut lawn, so i took on the challenge..I noticed that Lily had left a "present" on the lawn, so i proceeded to go clean it up bfore i began mowing. I went to get that trusty ole pooper scooper, n with a smile on my face, i began to scoop away....Well.. i couldnt get the scooper to scoop the poop, so i went n got a shovel, instead. I am now smearing poop all over my beautiful green lawn, n i can feel myself starting to get irritated...this wasnt how my "lovely, outdoor moment" was suppose to unfold......It now became..........this damn pile of dog sh*t that i could not get off the lawn, so.......i turned the lawn mower on n mowed that f-n pile of dog sh*t over............ AND........ mowed the lawn for hubby.....My blood pressure is 160/98....but, damn it, im still smiling!!!!!!! lol......wat can i say, Cat....i wanted an ending more like urs.....oh well....i really tried..thanx for the idea....lol....hugs

Burned....i hope u find some peace for urself at some point...only u can b the one that makes that happen..God Bless

Peach,,,so glad to see u r posting....this is good!! Im sry u went thru such a scare with ur mom, but thank God it was nothing more serious. I understand that feeling u speak of when u say u cant take much more. Between the mnths of Oct thru Feb. of this year, i was in the ER with my dad for 8 separate hip dislocations...each time we got thru it, i would lock myself in the bathroom for a while to have a good cry, bcuz i jst didnt think i could do it again....but..i made it thru, n u will to...Besides the fact that u have youth on ur side...it does help. As sole caregiver, u know, as well as all of us here, that these days happen more than not...Hang in there,sweet girl....n dont forget wat i told u.....wen things become overwhelming, n u want to harm urself.....POST FIRST....give us the 1st opportunity to get u thru it...love ya,girl

Hope everyone had a productive day, n i hope u all have a beautiful weekend..huge hugs, sisters..
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My mother is in a nursing home /rehab facility. She has been there since January. Prior to thatt she lived with my family for about 8 years. She was a wonderful mother to me and I love her beyond any thing ; I visit her everyday. Sometimes it isn't easy to get out there. Would I be awful if I don't visit her everyday. Today my husband went without me. Her dementia really gets me down. I feel so guilty if I don't see her everyday. Yet I know she doesn't remember. Does anyone have thoughts that might help me with the guilt? I cry all the time as I miss my mother.
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I can tell that you love your mother greatly and miss the person she was before her dementia which will only get worse as I've seen with my own mother. It sounds to me like you are already grieving the loss of your mother which is understandable. I also think that you are needlessly beating yourself up with guilt. You have not done anything to feel guilty about. Maybe you could find a dementia support group where you could talk about your feelings with people who are having the same type of experiences that you are having or consider going to see a therapist which is not a sign of weakness, but a good choice for help when needed.
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cadarn~I am going through my second round with a parent with Alzheimer's. It is heartbreaking to watch their decline. When my father was in a NH, I would talk with him as if he didn't have Alzheimer's. I updated him on my children and all the grandkids, show pictures from the distant past, and look at nature magazines (he loved the outdoors). I helped me to talk with him just like we always did even if he didn't respond. One day while visiting, he sat in a chair sleeping as I talked with him. After 20 minutes, I gave him a kiss and said I was going to leave now. As I walked away, he said, "Don't go". I didn't think he knew I was there...but he did. I felt so happy that he could hear me even though he didn't respond. What I am trying to say is that if you keep a picture of your mother in your mind as she was before Alzheimer's, talk with her as usual, not only do you see that she will always be your loving, generous mother no matter what, but you can find many things to relate to her about when you visit. It's quality time with her even if she doesn't respond to you. I don't know what is causing your guilt. Is it because you feel you have to be there everyday and if you miss a day, you feel you have let her down? Your mother sounds like she is a loving, giving soul and she would understand you need a day now and then to take care of yourself. I know that grieving the loss of your mother as Alzheimer's advances is difficult. If you need a day to nurture your emotional well being, it is best that you do that so you can be there for your mother in the long run. Therapy is also a safe place to work on the guilt if it is too much to bear. Talking on this site also helps because you have lots of support from people going through similar situations. Crying is actually good to release your pain. I am not a therapist, but it does sound to me like you are grieving more than feeling guilt. Keep coming here and sharing your feelings as it will help you. Be as kind and gentle to yourself as you are to your mother♥!!
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beckncall53~Did you know we are neighbors...I live in Manteca!! Small world neighbor♥
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Hey Beck and Sharyn: Did you know I use to live in Visalia? Small world.
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I would love to meet you too cattails, do you ever come down this way??
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Cat......u 2 ladies r killin me over here!!!!!! Im going to meet Sharyn at my business in manteca on monday....isn't that great???...Ok, Cat....where am i meeting u???? LOL
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Oooops....Cat...i dont think i can make it to WA....but i sure would love to.....
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That is what we need. Where is everyone from? You can guess by my name that I am in Ohio, USA near Lake Erie Shores.
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Bookwork, I know what you mean. Even though my feet reached the floor, I felt really vulnerable and small! I was glad that the EMT was very nice to me though.

She's on a lot of medication right now, which is making her bones a little fragile, I think. Thank goodness, she's slowly weaning off most of them though. I'll definitely try to get her to incorporate more calcium-rich foods though.

I'm relieved to read that I'm not the only one who isn't perfect about housework. I'll remember your words about it, too. "It's better that the housework suffers instead of us."

Beckncall53, thank you for your understanding and support. I've locked myself in the bathroom a few times as well to have a good cry. While we were waiting to hear from the doctor, my mom said that I looked like I was going to burst into tears. I said I was, and she told me to go ahead. I didn't though. I don't want to cry in front of her. It'll only make her feel worse (she feels so guilty that I take care of her). It's nice to have so much support here.

Today is going a little better. She's not showing a lot of signs of shortness of breath anymore. She's taking it VERY easy, like she said she would for me, which is allowing me to have a break, believe it or not. It's a rainy day, so I think she'll be sleeping a lot today.

A lot of people here suggested I contact social services. I did talk to my mom about it. I don't know what we'd qualify for, but she seemed interested in maybe being able to qualify for therapy. She really needs some support too. Thanks to everyone for the advice.

I hope everyone is having a good day, or rather, the best day you can have. You all are in my thoughts.
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Hi Peach, you sound so much more confident! I'm so glad that we all were able to help you and your mom.

I'm a shortcut worker...okay..I'm lazy. But a messy house does bother me, especially if an unannounced visitor arrives (to visit the parents). So, to avoid Excess Working, I do things to cut down my housework. I have these small wastebaskets strategically placed all over where my parents bed and visitors sit. I hate to take those extra steps to handcarry the visitor's mess to the kitchen. So, nobody has an excuse Not to throw their mess on the wastebasket next to them. (Doesn't work all the time, though..) I have tissues/napkins all over the place too (so that you can wipe the mess quickly.) I have a small broom in each room (including the restroom, which also has a standing dustpan) for any quick sweeping of the room. I have found that if you do these quick clean-ups, it doesn't get so bad that you get frustrated that the house is a mess and the "Gosh, where do I start?!" Because when housework gets that bad, I don't clean. Younger sis will have to come in and do her famous "spring cleaning" which usually means Everything is Thrown Out!!! And there i am running around saying, "don't throw that, I might need it" or "No, that was expensive." Get it? To avoid sis from coming in, I do my best to keep the house decent. Sigh...
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Served Dad his first Ensure shake tonight. I am running out of tricks to keep him healthy. This is five weeks now with the diarrhea! He was alittle better after resting his bowels for the colonoscopy, but he's gotten worse again as the week has gone on. He has little appitie and barely eats. I was talking to Mom, trying to be possitive and say how well we've done keeping him out of the hospital. Her big concern was that if he gets admitted, he will want someone there with him all day, and how would we do that? Good Lord, I wanted to throttle her! Like she's so busy she couldn't sit with him in the hospital??? We better get some answers this week, because this can't go on for much longer.
Mom's brain scan came back clear. No new tumors. Apparently, they haven't perfected personality transplants yet, but I will sign her up for the first one available.
My foot is still swollen and many shades of purple. I have one pair of shoes that fit. Yipee, not.
Peach-hope you find some help through social services. Be open to what they have to offer - you never know what might work out.
OhioGal-Okay, I'll bite. I live in Franklin, Wisconsin. It's a suburb of Milwaukee, about 2 hours north of Chicago. Someday, I am going to make it to Texas to visit Ladee, so maybe I can visit all the caregivers on my way :)
Hope everyone's week ends peacefully this weekend. Hugs.
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Ohio, yep, I live in Texas.... have traveled all over the place, but always end up back "home'... and Notlike, maybe one day we really will get to meet, it is talked about on so many threads, and a few do get to meet, wouldn't that be awesome to have that kind of situation where we could all meet.... of course it would have to be scattered from places , times and seasons..... we couldn't all go off at the same time and leave our elders, maybe if we did, others would have to step up... nahhhh, it'd just be us flying back home to get them out of NHs.....
Your poor mom... I swear you need to ask her questions if she has relatives in Tx.... I am almost positive she is M's sister..... no matter what i present to M, whether it be about dinner, giving S a tylenol, or should i make brownies, I am met with why it won't work.... by this past Fri. I was at the rolling my eyes stage...and even slammed a door... not that is a warning, the door slamming....next is the going outside to smoke and think, then we have the TALK....... am so tired of trying to raise M to respect her caregiver....lol....
I really paid attention to the tireder I got , the less patient I was, the less I was able to problem solve in a quick and meaningful way, did a lot of deep sighing while I was waiting for S to do his OCD shirt tucking and hand drying..... but I did the deep sigh reaaaalllll slow so he wouldn't know I was getting agitated..... would never want to hurt his feelings.... M on the other hand, Iet her see me getting upset, then she calms down with some of her whining..... I feel like a babysitter of Frick and Frack.... I practically danced to my car Fri. afternoon..... that's why ya'll haven't heard from me... just needed to sleep and not think about anything for a few hours.....
Notlike, I am sorry your dad is still having problems....let us know what you have to go to get some results..... and ignore mom if you can... I know you are tired and worried and our wall comes down a little when we are like that, and the stupid stuff slimes over the top and contaminates us..... so hang in there... take care of dad, and mom is going to be mom... damnit....
For everyone else, I'll try to get caught up. if not just know I love ya'll and you are each in my prayers......

The good news for the week... SEEME GOT HER FURBABIES TODAY..... she said she would post her avatar pic of them.... can't wait...For those of you who don't know, they are 8 wk. old Old English Sheepdogs...... I'll let her tell ya'll the details, she's a proud mama tonight..... hugs across the miles to all of you...
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Hello again, Bookwork. I can relate about the cleaning, too. As soon as it gets out of hand, I'm very hard-pressed to get it done. Too overwhelming, I guess. Those are all good ideas to keep the housework caught up without actually taking too much time out of the day to do it.

Notlikemom, thank you for the encouragement. I'm sorry to hear that your foot is so swollen. What happened to you, if you don't mind my asking? That must make your job a lot of harder. I'm sorry about that. :(
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Hello all:

Well, Peach, just let me say this about housekeeping, IT SUCKS. I recently put my dad in nursing home care. It was a very hard decision, but I needed to do it. For the first time in a year, I actually feel like cleaning my house. Bear in mind, I have been house bound for all this time and, as a result, I should have the cleanest house in the world. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. When your spirit is sagging, you just don't have the energy or desire to clean. On a recent occasion, I went to visit my Granddaughter over Mothers Day weekend. When I came back I was a cleaning machine. That lasted for about a week. Getting a break is the best incentive to cleaning. Be kind to yourself. Glad Bookworm gave you some good pointers.

Hey, Peach: I posted on your other site about calling the Area on Aging and seeing what they could do for you. I suggested a caregiver support group. It would be so good for you to meet some folks (like all of us) face to face and not be so alone. Think about it. Sending you lots of hugs.

Notlike: Bless you. I am praying for you and dad and hoping mom with lighten up. She probably won't, but I'm praying.

Ohio: Wish you would update us on your life. Been really missing you on your thread.

Ladee: What can I say to you. You make us all smile and I's sorry you've had a difficult time. Must be bad to get you down.

Beck and Sharyn: Here's the honest truth. I don't like the heat which is one of the reasons I left the valley. Never regretted it. I lived there for 30 plus years, but the summers just bummed my out. It was gradual, although I knew I didn't like it, but when the Fall came I just blossomed and that's when I realized how much I had faded during those 100 plus temps. Happened every year. Don't know how you and the other heat magnets do it. I'm so happy that the two of you will be meeting on Monday, but no one has had any success in getting me back to the valley in the summer. Oh, and did I mention how much I hate that Tule fog. Even the birds won't fly in that stuff.

However, Beck, Sharyn, Ladee: If you ever want to get to a cooler climate, I can invite you to Sequim, Wa. I'd love to meet you and if it's not summer, I can put you up. We would have a great time together. This is a serious offer.

Beck and Sharyn: I can tell you one thing that would temp me to take a flight to Fresno and it would be a drive to Cambria. Use to love to go there. My favorite place. Too expensive to move there, but what a great place to visit. That is the one thing I miss.

Love and Hugs to all, Cattails
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Hi Cattails! Yes, indeed. Housework does suck. Every once in awhile, I get this surge of energy that allows me to clean for hours, but those moments are far and few between. Hopefully, a break of some sort will come along and allow me to clean a bit more than I am right now.

Also, I'm sorry, Cattails. I must've missed where you told me about Area of Aging. I've just looked it up now, and they seem to offer a lot of good resources, even resources for caregivers. I know of one local caregiver support group (saw an ad at the hospital for it awhile ago), but right now, I have no ways of attending the meetings. I'm not able to drive at the moment, but really puts a damper on where I can go. I hope that changes soon though.
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Just talked to Seeme.... it's FURBABIES!!!!! Her and Mike sound so happy, she will be posting when she gets time.... congrats to the new Mommy and Daddy.... love ya both...
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Jst a quick hello to all...hope everyone has a great day, n, Seeme.................................I want a furbaby....my husband could pass as one, but he wont fetch the ball wen i tell him too.....LOL....congratulations!!!!
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Hi All, I've not posted in a few days. Cattails, You are correct housework does SUCK majorly. When you are so stressed and worried it just gets worse.
In my case I am a long distance caregiver for Dad who is in assisted living And Sis. who lives in Al. I care for Hubby 24/ 7 at home. Hubby has ALZ/ Dementia, along with other health issues.
We spent all day this past Thur. at the VAMC here in Atlanta. At least they gave me some constructive info for a change.
I deal with all of this stuff and then deal with my own health problems. I have kidney problems, stage 4 CKD, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis (since I was 27) heart and asthma issues. (LOL) better watch out I just might fall apart anytime(HEHEHE).
I am blessed that I have really good neighbor's. The men around here spend time with my hubby and that gives me a break sometimes for an hour or more.
Oh yeah I live in Marietta, Ga. Thanks for reading my vent today. Wanda
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Wanda: Bless you. You have so much to contend with, my heart goes out to you. Hang in there, my friend, and be good to yourself. I wonder if there are any relaxation tapes you could listen too. Small thing, but it might give you 20 minutes of peace. Let's start a new mantra...HOUSEWORK SUCKS and not kill ourselves over it.

YEAH FOR FURBABIES: That's so exciting. I have 2 Shelties, Mattie and Marcus. Talk about FUR. Each has gotten their "Day of Beauty" this weekend. That means I give them a bath, blow dry them, brush them and vacuum them. Focused on Marcus Friday. He's just a big love sponge and adores to be fussed on. It's an all day process, repeating the drying, brushing, vacuuming steps during the day with breaks in between. Mattie was all forlorned because Marcus was getting all the attention. She got her day yesterday, so her sense of self has been restored. Unfortunately, a clean dog is a shedding dog, so the brushing a vacuuming will continue for a long time. Crazy dogs just love the vacuum brush attachment. They just crowd in around me and take their turns.

Beck, I've heard training men is a lot like training dogs. Hows your sweet Lily doing?

Have a good day everyone. Love, Cat
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Well, if I did it right, you can see a picture of my babies. They have their days and nights mixed up, and are now sleeping peacefully. It is thundering outside right now, or they would be out. They have been used to peeing and pooping on concrete, so hitting the grass is a job. Can't get both of them to run in the same direction. Taught them to go up and down stairs last night. Up is fast, but down is like "Really??? Do I HAVE to???" and "Can't I just pee on the floor, like THIS?" They are that quick.

The picture is what we got up to this morning. They used the bed, a crate mat, for a pee pad, the "roamer" hit the poop paper some of the time, the Female, Dyna, has been nicknamed "Dyna-mite" by Ladee already, and she is......The gate net is broken on her side, the left. Only took one night for her to do that. It had lasted through 2 other dogs.........gotta go wake them up, or I will never get to sleep tonight................later............
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Yay Seeme!! They are so precious! So happy for you
Ladee Lou..glad you are getting some rest..you are missed
Notlike..wish I could fix dad for you then you would have more energy for moms rants! This last bout dad had with the Diareha ..I fed him the bananas and we gave him sprite. The children's pedialite has helped at times too. Prayers sweet one.
Dad is back on antibiotics..he is slowy becoming more alert. He even fed himself pretty good today! He is just skin and bones....but he is able to respond when we talk to him and is more interested.
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Yeah: Little bundles of love with fur on them. They are adorable. My Mattie has always had a thing about stairs. Shelties have their quirks. We took her to dog school and at one point you had to have your dog go sit in a hula hoop laying flat on the ground. No way Mattie was stepping over a hula hoop. OMG, to scary. She did that once when we had a hose that was laying across the sidewalk. We called her, but she just couldn't step over that hose. So we moved the hose and she ran to us. We clapped and cheered at her bravery and she just danced like she had accomplished the most amazing feat. She's our little simpleton. Seeme, enjoy your new children. I'm so happy for you.

Vic and Notlike: Sending you love and prayers for your dads.

Hugs, Cattails
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Hey everyone, have caught up on some rest this weekend, got a lot done in the house, and like some of you, housework is the last on my list of priorities.. but I live in such a tiny space, it doesn't take long for it to get cluttered... and cat hair.... OMG.... good thing I don't have allergies..... But , as I have told ya'll before, Diva, my cat, LETS me live here...
I am loving me some furbabies.... OMG if I lived close by, I would stay up at night with them Seeme, and made sure they did their business in the grass..... I can not believe how big they are and only 8 wks. old..... was so good to hear you and Mike laughing and enjoying them..... and Dyna-mite chewing on concrete..... that's my girl.... !!!!!
Will be working split shifts this week as the new lady is getting a vacation.... hmmmm, what is wrong with this picture..... But M has gotten to where she thinks I am the only one that can do certain things..... NOT.... sorry, my ego is not so fragile that I think the world will fall apart if I am not the one doing everything... trying to give M time to make some adjustments becasue some compromise is called for here... I am not going to do all the work and then the evening shift comes in and sets on their ass..... not happenin'...... not in Ladee's world anyway....'

Am going to take a long weekend this coming month.... I don't even have to go into why.... everyone one of you already know.....

Prayers for all of you with sick and decllining elders... S is in a serious decline, needing a lot more supervision.... didn't recognize his daughter the other day... that was a first.... so, prayers for my sweet little S man....

Well, need to go get some things finished.... love, hugs and angels....
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