This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I gave her an ice cream cone! LOL LOL LOL..wat can i say.....i cant resist a pretty face........lol.....i love that crazy dog.........
Well, I took off across the parking lot and it was after work traffic so cars and carts were coming in every direction. My car door was open, my hood was up, my purse was on the seat and I was running around screaming Kissy, Kissy.
I was wearing a dress and heals. I was on my knees, with my ass in the air, looking under cars and calling Kissy Kissy. My husband said I was lucky I didn't make twenty bucks in that parking lot.
Eventually, I found her and the poor man who had helped me stayed on one side of a parked car while I was one the other. I was able to crawl a bit under the car (much slimmer in those days) and get a hold of her.
I held that cat to me and balled my eyes out. I was so afraid that she had been mangled. Thank God she just has a little cut on one toe. I took her home, fussed on her toe, and put her on our bed and laid down next to her and told her how sorry I was. Pretty soon she was purring and telling me it was ok.
My husband had found this cat when she was a tiny kitten. It was below freezing and he was on patrol that night and found her by a trash can. She was a sad case. So he put her in his jacket for warmth and brought her home with him. She was the dearest soul. We eventually lost her to feline leukemia, just when info about the disease was becoming known. She was a very special girl.
Oh, and one time, years later; I called JC Penney to see if their interior decorator could come out and give me some pointers for our bedroom. Had another cat at that time. Of course I made sure the room looked nice and the decorator showed up, looking absolutely perfect in every way. She was taking measurements and talking about window treatments and a bedspread that would match. All of a sudden a bulge in the bed presented itself. It began to move. I think I was as intrigued as the designer was horrified. We had a feather bed mattress top and my cat, China, had crawled up and under the bedspread and settled down in the comfort of the feather bed. Once she started moving, however, the cat was out of the bag. She made her way to the side of the bed and then jumped down onto the floor and walked out of the room.
The decorator was obviously NOT a cat person or an animal person. She was not amused in the least. I thought it was kind of funny, but she took the smile off my face and left in short order. Last time I ever called JC Penny.
Well, I have so many animal stories. Maybe I'll tell you about my owl someday. He would fly up the stairs after we went to bed and sit on top of the bedroom door. If you wiggled you toes, he would dive on them.
Truly, I don't live in a pig sty and never did, but this owl came to us not fully feathered and we had to raise it and then place it where it could learn to hunt with other barn owls. In the meantime, I just could not keep it couped up, even though it was in a huge cage. It just loved us and so sometimes we would let it stay in the house and fly around. I know it's wierd, but they aren't that messy. And it needed to fly. Ah, youth. Loved that owl and so did our vet. He would come to visit it.
Ok, enough of my blabbing. Love ya, Cattails
CAT when I was little my gramps had a beetle bug my granny hated so he would ask me to ride with him & one morning he had to unlock church so we went to leave and he seen a kitten that wondered down from momma cat and sib. from barn cat he told me to run put it over by tree we went on our way about hour my granny & mom and lil sis pulled up to church while I was standing there I heard a meow LOUD..... I told my granny my mom was afraid I guess what the poor thing looked like after the ride to church & one of the guys out there told my mom to pop the hood & me being nibby ran to look the lil booger was holding on 4 dear life on the windshied washer tank thing and so scared... It was a lil country church so we took him in with us & my sister fell in love & good thing when we went to barn momma had moved & never seen again so I guess that one got left behind....
At night, I pull out all my art supplies and I paint, this helps me to relax. It also gives me something to do when all is quiet.
It is nice that someone is asking how we are all doing. No one knows how difficult this is....unless you are living it. God bless.
*le sigh*
And Seeme, Dyna wants to be just like Aunt Ladee when she grows up.... sorry..... you'll just be saying' tag,you're it' when Mike gets home from work....I know it's not funny to you, but it is to me and God knows I needed ya'll to make me laugh today...
Thanks ya'll, made me feel good, if she gets stupid this evening... oh hell yes, am working split shifts this week, while the NEW lady is on vacation.....I'll just tell her my AC friends appreciate me..... and do my best not to give her a one finger salute......
love and hugs... later....
Ladee Lou I love you!
And yes, I was trying to step on the paper while circling the island, tearing it, running through the piss, trying to avoid the shit.........it brought back memories of taking care of mom..........for some reason poop is just drawn to me.......look back at my first post ( #1), if you think I am lying..............
Seeme....i love ,love,love ur furbabies. They could piss n sh*t in my house all day long...lol.....afterall...Lily has trained me well......hugs
jlamury...Seems that we have something in common...I, too, love to draw, paint or watever "artistic" release i can find. I really got into drawing faces for a while. O, sh*t.....my family thought i was going crazy.....Lets see...there was Whitney Houston...Adele...Whitney Houston......Kim Kardashian, Whitney Houston, n some rap artist that my daughter listens to, n Whitney Houston....lol...I have a bit of an obsession with her....or i did....anyway....it certainly helps me to relax.....o yea.........n dogs......lots of dogs....now thats a challenge cuz they all turn out like Whitney Houston...LOL.....Hang in there..keep painting.....hugs
Last, but not least......Miss Ladee........who the hell gave u permission to have a meltdown today????? Ur always the one who swoops in n lifts the lowly!!! Ur like that neighbor that brings over the freshly baked peach pie to welcome in the people who just moved in next door..Where the F*** is my pie!!!!!! alright.....i'll give u a pass because i know u deserve ur meltdown, but next time ur feeling one coming on, i want u to raise ur left hand above ur head n start running around M.....if that doesnt put a smile on ur face, u can at least get a kick from the look on M's face wen ur doing it..LOL Oh.God.....i would love to b there to watch that. Remember.....left hand ABOVE UR HEAD!!! Now go in there n show em wat ur made of.......I jst love ya.........LYL
Welcome to the newcomers!!!!!!!
Ladee- I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!!! Love ya!!!
Well, dad has his appt with the thoracic dr. it is this monday at 9:15. So i guess we will see monday what this dr is going to be all about.
I hope ya'll have a good nite... Love and hugs stormyyy
And hey, i have an idea, why doesn't someone bring ME a hot apple pie.... thats part of my problem right now....realizing again, that none of my family give a hairy rats ass if I am ok, so those of you who know, on top of my job, I also have a bag of broken bones son, who doesn't know he can pick up the phone and ask some one else to do something for him... forgot his PT appt. today, but I promise you, I didn't EVEN take that shit on......told a good friend today, I hang on to this unhealthy relationship with my son, because then I would have no family at all... and in reality.... I have no family at all, including him... but I will allow myself that illusion until I have some energy to address it and do something healthy for myself.... I can tell ya'll, I don't go to this place of craziness very often, but damnit, when I do... it's a roller coaster ride.....very clear about what M triggered in me today.... and I'll deal with it.... not only is caregving not for sissys, neither is LIFE..... and Beck, I wouldn't waste a good run with my hand in the air on someone who wouldn't even blink an eye. I'll save that for the cop that stops me while I am driving 70 down residential streets....
I'm going to bed, where I , and others in this city are safe, at least for tonight.... love ya'll and thanks for being there from me.... I don't have family, but I have ya'll and that is deeply appreciated... because that means we 'chose' each other.... how awesome is that ..........love, hugs and angels.....
Plus if this will help you a bit, look at your situation that you have manage to take care of her the best way you can n I bet u have been taking care of your mom by yourself without your fiancé being around. That means you r a very loving, devoting n caring person n you love your mom very much. Maybe if you can afford a few hours of 'Respite care' that would make a hugh difference for you to just get out n breathe. U have someone that can help watch your mom so u can get a break?
From your post, I understand that you don't like to be alone n I am the same way. Yet, right now your mom is with you n enjoy every day that you two get to spend togther. If your mom was to pass away and heaven forbid that was to happen, you are already doing all you can. Please try to Stop being so hard on yourself. You can only do so much. I lost my mom in her sleep n I was terribly upset. However, I knew she wasn't happy here n that with her passing in her sleep, she had went fast n straight to heaven. My mom was only 56. I still miss n love her but I know she is happy where she is now. I hope I didn't step on any of your toes or said anything wrong to offend you. I just wanted you to know that I hear you n that you need to let some of that frustration out without harming anything that has a heartbeat. Go get that light weight noodle floating thing n Go Whack some trees or limbs! It does help relieve some of the stress.
As for her leg to keep clean, if you are talking about her using bathroom on herself? Can she wear depends to help keep the mositure n bacteria out until her leg can heal? maybe wrap it with plastic pull over panties? What about sponge baths instead of in the tub until it can have more time to heal. You did say the dr said it look better than last time. As for feeling alone, do you not have any pets arounds I know its not the same n it will never replace a person n especially your mom. Yet they can become very helpful sometimes n maybe it would be good to have a one around for you n your mom? I talk n pat to my pets when i get stressed out n it does seem to calm me down a bit when I am having one of those struggling day with the mil. I have to admit, I whack the hell out of our huge oak tree in backyard n it does help as well as talking to other people n seeing my doctor. Hang in their n we r all here for you. I hope you r able to get some rest.
Having said all that, today I am nearly paralyzed with anxiety about my Dad's situation. (head injury from car accident, bad liver issues post surgery for perforated ulcer, hemolytic anemia and a broken neck at C2).
He did apologize for hitting me finally. I live with him and am his caregiver. I have gotten in home care, also. Helpful, but just had to get rid of one-she was not truthful about him falling when his neck broke and then last week she grabbed his arm so hard I could see her handprint in his skin in the form of a bruise. It split his skin.
I am so worried about now not having enough money to pay bills and am so behind I need to find other housing. I am panicked and not even sure if caring for him at home is working anymore.
Burnout, for sure, but I am worried that it is causing me to miss signs that he needs more help than I am able to give him.
Trying to breathe today...
My dad has been with me since 1997. He & my mother were staying with me while selling their home in another state and looking for a home to live out their retirement. I love my parents very much and enjoyed having them. Sadly, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer while with me and she died a very traumatic death at home with me in 1998. I was devastated, as was my father and suggested he stay with me while he was grieving.
I bought a house, got a promotion at work and while my father left his job and moved with me. I do have siblings and they offered to help my dad pay for his own place but never followed through.
My father was then in a car accident and had a subdeural hematoma over 1/4 of his brain. It was a long recovery but he did pretty well. At the same time I was assaulted and beaten and suffering ptsd, though I did not realize it.
My dad went to another state to be near my brother and lived on his own. I visited and found him having bad stomach issues and not taking his meds regularly. My brother is great but was not much of a caregiver in this area. I stayed there to help my dad with food & medicine. I got a new job which was great for me but I really needed to get back to my career and my dad wanted to go "back home" where his friends were. I got a job with a great company in New York and moved my dad into an apartment by his golf course. He hated it and moved in with me 6 months later. I could see that he was having more serious memory issues and thought it was best as my other two siblings who lived nearby would not help. While there, he had a perforated ulcer resulting in major infection and surgery which then damaged his liver.
All hell broke loose! Between a head injury and liver issues (he now develops hepatic encephalopathy) he became a nightmare to deal with. While always stubborn & impulsive he was now irrational on top of it. He had several hospitalizations (at least 15 in that year) and went for rehab/nursing. He became more ill there due to medication error and stayed for about 3 months.I did get him aprroved for the Older Adult Waiver program that allowed him to move back home with in home care. The catch was that I needed to live with him. My siblings nearby would not take him.
The program gives him inhome care part time, which is a Godsend. Except when the aide is awful-then it is even worse.
Now, he has pretty difficult dementia/encephalopathy issues, a broken neck, liver failure,anemia...and does not think he needs any help. He becomes argumentative and is now pushing & hitting if someone wants to go out with him. He cannot find his way alone-but insists he is walking home to another state.
At least he apologized today for hitting me.
I have so hoped I could create an environment where he could be happier but it doesn't seem to be working. My health is being affected and my life before seems like a very distant memory.
I am so worried about he next step. He hated the NH and was always trying to leave & calling the police. But I am afraid I might be making a mistake trying to keep him at home. He has no life & just watches tv. I really don't know what to do next.