This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I help my mother. I have been here for over two years. Up until the past couple of months Mom has been independent, driving, cooking, socializing, etc. I have been more of a security blanket for her............
Mom's mind is pretty clear, no dementia or Alz., just getting old........
I admire and respect all of you who do so much for your loved ones..........
Mom has been back and forth between the "rehab center"/NH and the hospital for the last two months. It has not been pleasant for any of us.........
Two weeks ago Mom was in the hospital and getting ready to die. The family was called and came in, even from Europe on the red-eye............
Then, last week she decided she wanted to live and is expecting to go home. The NH talked to us about her coming home in a couple of weeks...........
I am absolutely burned out. I am not from this town and I want to go home to my own family, I miss my children and my grandchildren are growing up without me......
When I was in my 20's my grandmother fell and needed skilled nursing from that point on. I traveled to her town for her, I moved her to a NH in my own town, I saw her almost every single day for 18 months. I had absolutely no help from my family, even had to handle the funeral and estate settlement myself. But I was glad to help her. I WANTED to help her, to take care of her. .........Now I am here, in my 50's, and helping my mother.....and I do not want to do this. I am crying, slipping into my depression (years of meds for that, I can feel it coming on), and I want out.....I do not really understand why I was so glad to help my grandmother and why I do not want to help my mother anymore. ....... Well, maybe it is the hurtful things Mom has said over the years, even as recently as this week, maybe it is the level of care she/they expect me to provide......I wish I was a better person....I wish I was a stronger person.....I wish my faith would help me thru this, but all I feel is panic, fear, dread and depression....I wish my siblings would do this.
Do you know what is causing his recent aggresion???Because being hit is not acceptable regardless of our elders issues.... I suffered a broken leg last year from my charge..... so I am definatlty an advocate of finding another living situation if this is his behaviour..... and even tho he tried to leave his last facility, doesn't mean there isn't another one that could address his issues......
Many of us will do what we can until they are placed, but again, him aplogizing for hitting you is well and good, but it's not ok under any circumstances... Have you checked into your Area Agency on Aging.... they have so many resources..... let them know your situation, his issues, health and mental, and hopefully they can offer you some help... please come back and let us know how you are... we do understand, we do care, and we'll help if we can... in the meantime, vent all you want, for as long as you need to... this is what we do here, help each other....i've had a pretty crappy day myself, but I will go to bed here in a minute, knowing I am loved, supported, and that this is my safe place to talk about how I feel... no rights or wrongs here, just us doing what we do.... hugs and angels to you....
U have given all u can give.....now step aside n let someone else care for dad, under ur close supervision, of course, but let someone help u....ur a loving daughter, who has taken more than ur share of the stress.....Stay strong....search out other alternatives, n if we can help.....we're here for u..huge hugs to u
My relationship with my mother has been difficult my entire life - I shouldn't go into that, we all have difficult parents. Those who are caring for a parent with dementia are special people to dedicate their entire lives to caring for a parent. I wonder if I will miss my mother when she passes. Right now the answer is no, but I am sure that will change. ...... Many years ago I helped my grandmother when she got sick .Ever since my grandmother was sick and died, almost 30 years ago, I knew that I did not want to do the same thing for my mother . I always felt that 1) I took care of Grandma all by myself - happy to do it and still consider it one of the most loving and blessed parts of my life 2) I did not want to take care of my mother that way - it is someone elses' turn.
I read that over "it is some elses' turn" and I sound so cold and heartless. Yet, it is honest and it is how I feel and it is what I need. There are 3 siblings, one of whom is the Medical POA. They need to step up and take over, whatever that entails....... I have been here, away from my family for 2 1/2 years. I am cooked. I am burned out. I want to go back home and be with my family.......Again, thank you for responding, you have been so kind and helpful. I still feel panic and dread, but I can now see a light down the tracks that I can focus on to get home.
Vic-Oh honey, what an awful day! Prayers for you and Mom. And many hugs.
Beck & Seeme-What fun our furry children are! :) Thanks for the laughs.
Ladee-You are not stupid for putting up with M - you are caring beyond measure and a blessing to S. And to M, too, even if she doesn't always know it. During lectures, trying thinking of something else...your grocery list, the plot to a movie, how much laundry there is to fold...it will give you a look of intense concenration and fool M into thinking you are listening! LOL Hugs.
Welcome to the new posters! And hugs to you all.
Mary - sounds like you are having a rough time. You have done your share taking care of your Grandma. Can outside help or NH be arranged for your Mom? Maybe the best way for you to care for her is by making sure she is taken care of by someone else. Hugs.
In 10 hours, we should get the results of Dad's colon biopsy. By then, I will be a wreck. Waiting gets harder the closer to the time, I swear. I keep wondering what the Man Upstairs has in mind here, because this is not what I expected. Mom was supposed to be sick and Dad was going to live forever. Instead, Dad is sick and Mom is mostly a pain in the ass. Will this finally teach her to care about someone else? I don't think so, but I hope.
I have to get to work. Hope everyone has a good day. And that mine and Dad's ends well.
Mary123 ..you did your job with gma and you knew then that u couldn't caregiver for ma. You have been at it 21/2 years...times up you have a family that you don't see. Let other sibling with medical poa take the responsibility. That doesn't make you a bad person it make you a strong loving daughter who cares for mom knowing that you aren't the best one to take care of her. That's strength.
Beezer..others have given you advice.. On my what strength you must have. We are here for you.
Welcome to the new folks.... we all have something to share, and I can say how blessed I am by having so many wonderful friends on this sight... I appreciate each and every one of you.... and thanks from the bottom of my heart.... love and angels.....
Mary123....u've done all u can n should do for ur mom....i say...time to go home...back to ur family....that's where u belong..Make the others step up..ur in my thoughts today....hugs
Beezer...I hope u can find some other alternatives to ur situation..do some research n kno that we r here for u.....Blessings
Seeme...SEND ME A FURBABY.....so cute......hugs
Ladee...i pray u have a better day today. I think all on this thread would agree that wen someone pisses off our Ladee...WE take it personally....Kick some ass, girl
n rest assured that i will continue to send ridiculous n senseless emails to u bcuz its so damn great wen i can get u to smile......LEFT HAND ABOVE HEAD!! LYL
Hope everyone has a good day......
Beezer: I would give you essentially the same advise. Your dad needs full time care in a good facility. Enough.
It's perfectly ok to say you can't deal with the stress of their care any longer. Some people do not know when to stop and often die before their elders do. They just keep going out of guilt or because they feel mentally overwhelmed and can't take on the task of placement.
You are both excellent people who have gone above and beyond. It's time for you both to stop now. I don't mean to be so emphatic and blunt, but you know in your hearts that the time is at hand. Please act on that intuitive knowledge. You have it for a reason and it will not fail you. It only tells the truth.
This is not about your failure as caregivers. Not in the least. It's about your personal survival. Make the changes and start living your own lives once again. Please know that you are doing the right thing. It's necessary. Your health and welfare is just as important, if not more so, than anyone elses.
Sending you encouragement for a new beginning. Love, Cattails
I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I feel guilty that I hole up in my room as much as possible, instead of spending time with her, trying to make her feel better. I don't do it on purpose. I don't do it because I think she's gross or I hate her. I'm just so depressed that any amount of extra weight that doesn't include cooking, cleaning, tending to wounds, or trying to work up enough energy to take a shower is just too much. I feel like I've abandoned her though. My mind wanders back to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane when His apostles abandoned Him in His time of need. I feel like a terrible, terrible person.
It sounds like you are in my home.......you are not terrible. My goodness, your own mother is sick and dying, you SHOULD be feeling bad. Even tho your mother is still living, it is normal for you to feel depressed when you are faced with her death, you are grieving......
The apostles abandoned Jesus because they were humans but that doesn't mean they stopped loving him or believing in him. We humans are not perfect like Jesus. We can never be perfect like Jesus. God knows this. We all (hopefully) strive to be as close to Jesus as possible, to be as good as we can, but we can't ever be perfect like Jesus. That is a standard we humans cannot reach. But the apostles never stopped loving God. They spread out over the known world and spread The Word, facing trials and persecutions; they were humans doing the best they could. You are doing your best to be a good person, to do what is right, to honor your mother. Your motivations are good. You are walking the walk. However, you are emotionally overwhelmed and one of the things we, humans, sometimes do is shut down, hide, and want to run away.
cut her care hours,
she doesnt need it-
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?????????????
I dont want to ever get to that stage---
sometimes this life is so unbearable-
i think the casino is a great idea loL!!
She goes to Austin tomorrow for her blood transfusion, so will be gone all day, long day for all of us.... and my heart does feel compassion for all she has to go thru..... but at least she saved some of her breathe today to bitch at the staff at the hospital tomorrow..... they get paid WAY more than I do to listen to it....
Thank you all so much for being here for me yesterday.... have been on this sight for a couple of years now, and it only gets better and better.....so each of you got special thanks and prayers last night..... WE ARE FAM A LEE, duna duna duna, WE ARE FAM A LEE, duna duna duna... We need to petition congress to have an official CAREGIVERS DAY.... we would each get a little airline bottle of Jack Daniels or Jose Quervo(sp) and we could just party down for about 20 minutes and just think we were normal people.... oh hell yes..... I don't drink, so guess mine woud have to be....citrus green tea..... but man my heart would be in it for that 20 minutes....
Thanks to all of you.... hugs and angels....more later when I get done with my next shit... oh I'm sorry, I meant .. shiFt...... love ya'll
All the things that u describe about ur feelings about mom r painfully normal... U r not a terrible young woman in any way....wat u r is courageous ,n strong. U have shown the deepest love a daughter can express by giving everything of urself to be there for her. Ur commitment to ur mom is to b admired....u r truly an angel of God. I learned a while back that "guilt" is the constant companion of a caregiver...but i've also learned that "guilt" is our nemesis bcuz it keeps us stuck in a place where we cannot be the best that we know we are. We feel we deserve to be guilty.....we do not. I wish there was more that i could say that would help u thru this difficult time. Remember, also, Peach......ur life matters too. U have every right to be with ur fiance n build a life together....u must come to the realization that u need help with moms care. Please take the advice of many of the caregivers here, and research outside help, or a NH...I know there must be resources available for someone in ur position...and don't feel guilty about that either....it's wat a loving daughter has to do, sometimes, to make sure their loved one is getting the best care possible. I've used this phrase in past posts.....Peach...its time to pass the torch.....u have done more than most would do...u r an incredible young woman, n a selfless, giving, n compassionate daughter...all bcuz u love....God Bless all that u do n give u the strength n wisdom to do wat must be done..Much love,sweetie
We did have a chance to talk about food, though. Dinner has become an every day frustration for me. Mom doesn't want to cook, but she wants all the control. And she doesn't like my cooking. Ect, ect. He was not happy to find out that all the special foods we've tried for him, including the expensive Ensure, I paid for...she does not want to spend her money on him, I swear. He did talk her into trying again to make a big lunch and light dinner. I wish him luck, but for multiple reasons, I don't think it will work. We'll see...
Blessing to those of you who are over whelmed. Peace to those of you feeling guilty - it's normal, but not neccessary. Really. Too tired to go individually tonight, but I am thinking of you all.
Good night, and better tomorrows.
Lil deb- Thank you for the hug and the concerns. They are very much appreciated.
As for hospice- I would love to bring someone else in to help us with dad. But unless a doctor says that dad is getting ready to die, my sister will not allow it to happen. She and my dad have been brain washed into thinking that if you call in hospice you are dying. I know that is not the case all the time that people use the hospice caregivers and some patients get better. But try telling that to my sis and dad. If i were to mention hospice to them; well let's just say i might as well be talking to a ant hill outside cause i will get the same response. Nothing...... I might as well save my breath.
Lil deb I'm sorry i hope you don't think i am shooting down your advice. I really would love to get some help from hospice but my family is stubborn. I am just venting. Plus my hubby has been after me today to decide on a date for us to carry connor to the beach for the first time this year. And i finally just told him aug 19th. It will be connor's last little vacation before starting school aug 27th. It is just a bad time with my bil and his hurt foot and sis trying to take care of him, work and help with dad. I just pray that my bil will be alot better by then. Hopefully off of the iv antibiotics and hopefully through with this chamber they put him in 5 days a week to speed up the healing process. And i am going to have to say something to sis about us carrying connor to the beach for a few days. And i just do not want to hear the response to that. That's why i am in a not so great mood tonight. I am seriously thinking about putting me, hubby and connor in the witness protection program. And disappearing off the face of the earth......... Just so sick of this song and dance every time we want to get away..... Love and hugs stormyyy
Good news on the M front today.... are ya'll ready.... she apologized to me this evening.......... got up and hugged her rigid little body, told her no problem , we're both tired and stressed, tomorrow is a new day.....
Then the duaghter came in with more good news.....I finally have some PRN help, which I have been asking for for over a year now... I GET A LONG WEEKEND NEXT WEEK......... RESPITE..... I'm afraid to get my hopes up, but am going to do some serious gratitude prayers for at least getting some extra help... I am so blessed. in so many ways.... I get rowdy, disrespectful, become a problem child, and all that stuff, but I do have an unyeilding faith...... that I am heard by a loving and caring God, tho I know there are times He shakes his head at some of my actions and choices.....but when the time is right, when He knows I will appreciate His answer on a much deeper level, He answers.....I don't always get what I want, but I always get what I need..... love and hugs to you all this evening... thanks for holding me up yesterday..... love ya'll
Stormy, I'm sorry, in the middle of all your craziness and then you pop a funny out there about the witness protection program.... I've got tears in my eyes from laughing.... I know it's not funny to you...and we know your plate is too full, just try to go to her this time with your head held high, make your announcement and leave.... no one says you have to stay and listen to the ensuing guilt trip... this is a choice SHE makes, to be everybody's everything.... you know that can't happen, so you are wiser than her... go have fun with your family, that mess will be there when you get back, unfortunatly.....
Ladee- If i didn't make a funny out of something i would be crying in my pina coloda that i am drinking right now. Trying to ward off a panic attack. And you are right Ladee, it will all be here waiting for me when i get back. Ah hell it's been the same thing for the last 2 1/2 years why change now when everything has been sunshine, roses and rainbows. Can't get much better than that huh???? Same shit different year........ Blah blah.... Time for another drink! Love and hugs stormyy
My day started off with taking mom to do her shopping...its the only time she gets out n away from dad for awhile..Dad was extremely confused and very agitated today, n took it out on me a bit, which is fine...i can handle that. His eyes are blank, n his words makes no sense, n he walks like he's 100 yrs old. U have to kno a lil bit of history about dad...Before he became ill, dad use to power walk between 7 n 9 miles everyday. I went with him many times, n couldnt believe the inner drive that kept him going at that pace for such a distance. I always admired that about him..To look at him now is so painful...a lost, confused,n physically broken down man who has lost all dignity n feels he is nothing but a burden to his family...It was a very difficult day for me.....he got very stern with me at one point n told me that he wants my husband to start wearing depends so he can sleep thru the nite....I said,"Dad, i dont think that would work for Bill...he will sleep eventually...(he's been a chronic insomniac for years..so we're use to days without sleep)...Dad started yelling at me n said, "What the hell is wrong with depends?" I said, "Nothing, dad, we'll give it a try." That seemed to calm him down, but i left the house n sat in my car n cried for 15min before i could pull away from their house. Everyday, i jst watch this f-n disease take another piece of my dad away....n tonite...im jst angry....
Wen i got home, my husband tells me that a close friend of ours, who was in our wedding 30yrs ago, committed suicide today...I was so devastated. I couldnt imagine someone being in such despair that they would take their own life...I went thru my wedding album tonite n looked at pictures of him in much happier days..Such a loss....such a tragedy....my heart hurts...
Then my youngest daughter, 20, informs me that she is seeing a 24yr old young man with a 5yr old son, n a bitch of an ex-girlfriend that she's hiding from...Well...wat the hell do i say to this kid who thinks im old fashioned...stuck in "My Generation" n tells me she knows what shes getting herself into...Holy Sh*t....Bill n i r meeting him on Saturday. She spends the nite at his house about 3 times a week....This is not how i was raised, n i never treated my parents with such disrespect....I realize that this is a completely different generation, n , if i may say...im disappointed in wat i see. So....my daughter is having a "sleep over" with this man, n im jst numb ......Wen did Bill n i lose control as their parents? Wen was it alright to speak to us as if we were one of their friends? It's f-n crazy!!!
Then..there's my only son..26yrs old, engaged to a woman who has 3 children by 2 different men...He's been with her for 7yrs now...n the first 2yrs...i fought like a rabid mama bear to keep her away from him...but....their still together. I will never really trust her as a daughter in law, bcuz she has already betrayed family trust, n i have no need for someone like that in my life....but i must keep the peace for the sake of my son....I've come to realize, that watever lessons Bill n i failed to teach along the way......life would take care of the rest..Knowing that takes a great burden off my shoulders. God jst let me kno...move out of the way, Mel....I got this!
Anyway...i kno im babbling , but there are days wen there are no funny stories to share....no Lily adventures that make u laugh till u cry....there r jst days that hurt, n today has been one of those days for me..Sorry to have gone on so long....U all have meant so much to me, n wen today unfolded as it did, the first place i knew i had to go was to the AC....A broken heart is easier to handle wen u have friends to help carry the pieces, until God moves in to mend it...Thats wat u all do for me, without even knowing it...Thanku from the bottom of my achy, breaky, heart...
Who knows wat tomorrow will bring....maybe Lily will teepee my entire house with every roll of toilet paper in existence....that will redirect me now wont it.....I better hide a rolll tonite, otherwise Bill n I may both b wearing Depends!!!! Love u all
Anyway I live & partially care for my 90 year old father who has moderate Alzheimer's. I work but have lost focus and my disposition has deteriorated a great deal. I am tired all the time and the stress has affected my health. I am 57 but feel 90 at times.
I am so grateful for this site. It assures me I am not alone and I am not crazy.
Jam, it has been a while since you original post, how are YOU doing these days?
Don't have anything to report on the col these days......she is just happily in her own little world. Sees family members walking the halls that really aren't there. The NH called and wanted to know if they should start OT with her since her brain and arm aren't communicating at meal times.......no, just continue to help her eat because that pathway is nonexistent. Target continues to heal from his gout and I'm afraid is becoming a recluse..........I'm not playing that game and have told him that.
Keep up with the great posts and I'm so glad you all feel comfortable with the opportunity to share your feelings and to realize you are not alone, there is always someone here willing to lend a shoulder for whatever you may need.
PS.......stormy don't you dare let the opportunity pass to have family time young lady!!!!!! Now that is meant with care for you......make arrangements with a care giver to come in and take your place. I'm willing to bet Dad can afford it and sis will get over whatever you do. Enjoy your time while you can!
Love and Hugz and angels sent to all of YOU!!!!!!!!!