This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
BW, good info you shared.... and glad you didn't pass out when you had to introduce yourself.... you've come so far girl.... we are all very very proud of you...
Have a lot to do today, so need to get going... love and hugs to everyone....
So, they recommend on your annual check-up, to please request for Hepatitis C screening. It's nothing complicated - just a blood test.
Therefore, her complaints just soooo much sounds just like dad...how I'm a bad daughter, disrespectful, not doing enough for them, etc...yet here I AM taking care of them. Just as there is her granddaughter catering to her and she refuses to SEE this.
In my heart, I want to help great grandma to appreciate the 11-year old. But, if she's like my dad, no matter what granddaughter does - it will never be enough. Plus, this support group is for ME - to learn how others (of my nationality) are handling the caregiving of their parent/spouse/sibling. I'm not being selfish...even though I feel bad for thinking this. I just feel that I can rarely attend these monthly support group (due to my work schedule) and when I'm able to attend, I want to learn as much as I can from others....
Thanks, Ladee and Seeme. I want to set as a goal for these monthly meeting, that when I attend, I need to participate in the open discussion and to force myself to approach these strangers and start up a conversation. Gosh! That is going to be VERY STRESSFUL for me. More stressful than caregiving. Do you know that when I'm in a crowd, I get panick attacks and head for the Nearest isolated area (one time I hid behind a see-through door) trying to control the sudden-panic attack. A nice acquaintance saw me there, asked me what's wrong, and I said, "So many people! I can't move." She literally walked in front of me so that I concentrated on her and walked to the nearest exit so that I can regain my composure.)
You too Sharynmarie..... let us know how you did in your next social situation.... hugs to you too...
It's strange. My fave sis is the outgoing one. I'm the introvert (keep to myself.) But, when we go to an unknown or new setting (like a relatives' party where we don't know Most of the people), sis shuts down like I am and just sits there. I find myself reacting differently. I find our chair, reserve it, and then go seek out cousins and relatives I do know to greet them! Not necessarily talking to them, but greeting them. I figured, that if I'm like this with relatives, I can just overcome my fear of ...whatever it is I'm afraid of. So, the next time we're invited, the relatives would smile and greet me whereas sis is either overlooked or given a vague greeting. So, I figured that I can do this at these group therapy. I just need to overcome my fear of strangers. Plus, I really do want to try to get as much as I can from these meetings...(Like being one of the last to leave, then you can pack up the leftover food to take home! They actually feed us breakfast and lunch. Wow..)
So, Sharyn, don't go jumping into the lake! Just put your toes in the water to feel how the lake is. And that would be just Smiling to people when you're passing them. If they happen to stop and talk to you, listen and say something Positive on what they just said or are wearing. That's it. Well, that's as far as I usually go. After that, conversation becomes a burden/stress. Time to move on to the next person...just keep it light for now.
When I used to be gungho into my religion, everyone knew how shy I was. But, after I got comfortable seeing the same people every Sunday, I started approaching the shy ones who Always Stayed in their seats. I would just go up and greet them, make small talk. When the "dead silence" falls upon us, I move on to the next shy person. I didn't know that the religious leader was keeping track of me. Then one day, on his "sermon" he commented and praised the one very shy person who made it a point to talk with others despite how difficult it must have been for her. Even after the sermon, I didn't know it was ME! Until several people came up and praised me. And, Sharyn, all I did was just go up to these people and just said, Hi, How are you?, etc... Let them talk, and just listen! No need to try to do the deep discussion conversation. Just keep it light!
Well, I feel like Mel Gibson on Braveheart. FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!! No caregiving for 4 days!!! And i will be beach bound tomorrow we will be heading out about noon. I just hope it doesn't rain the whole time we are down there. Oh well if it does so be it, at least i will be away from all the stress of family and the whole caregiving stuff. Thank the lord!!!! I just wish i didn't have to come back, it's so depressing on the way home.... UGH....... But i hope all of ya'll have a great week!!! Much love and hugs to you all!!!! Stormyyy Seas.... Hehe.... :-)
Bookworm and Sharyn and Austin-Good for you all for trying to improve. Social anxiety is hard. We are told as children not to talk to strangers. Bless you all for what you are doing.
Hubby has to re-boot the computer now. More later...
So far [today] I've cleaned the oven, put one load of washing on, and put another load in the dryer.
I'm going to get takeaway for my dinner, and watch the showjumping from Dublin on the TV later on :-)
Austin~Good for you for reaching out to the new families at church!
Notlike~Thank you for the encouragement, it can be very difficult at times. Most of the threads I have posted in have all been familiar territory and as BW advised, I am getting my toes wet!!
After the conclusion of the "Walmart Cowboy"....seems as though i slid into a bit of a funk....so i tried to resurrect another round of excitement by plotting some harmless fun towards Ladees handyman.....but i gave up on that....lucky man..
Well...last week was very difficult with mom n dad, i now believe, I was looking for a stress reliever,...walmart cowboy, n then Ladees handyman....I swear.....there r times that i am not safe for man or beast....like now!
My week with dad was really hard. I got alot of 911 calls from my exhausted mother, only to arrive n find her curled up in bed n sobbing. So, with Meno's words constantly ringing in my ear, i approached dad very carefully as to wat was causing him to be in such a place of despair...He kept apologizing for upsetting my mom, n begged me to help him to die. These r the moments that become hopeless to me....n yet, i have to remain in control in order to get them thru it. My mom is having alot of pain in her left hand n shoulder, so this week is filled with dr. appt, for her to get her feeling better. She's emotionally empty, n jst exhausted, but says she is not ready for outside home care..but, i can see it coming very soon. As far as dad...he asked me to take all his pills away so that he could just fade away n not b a "burden" any longer....well. that conversation put me in a tailspin n wen he realized how upset it had made me, he looked into my eyes, with that lost n sad look on his face n said.."Melinda, im sorry.....u're my favorite girl." I explained to him that i can take jst about anything, but i cannot take wen he talks about wanting to die....i begged him to stop.....i jst cant handle thinking about my life without my dad.....i kno it's a reality to come....but it isnt here yet, n i refuse to let him keep thinking about it....He's not a burden......he's my joy.....i love my father so much....Im going to keep encouraging him n reminding him about how important his life is to me n mom n all my siblings. Now....i have to turn my attention to my mom, n getting her in a better place....Im ready to do that, too....She's my hero...strong n committed to the love of her life of 58 years....Rough around the edges....but a beautiful soul lies within....she's remarkable...
So...for the past several days, i have been overly emotional...quick to tear up....n i have been reading all the posts, with little energy to respond....but, im always here. My daughter walked into my office the other day, n saw me reading posts, n crying...n she went n told my hubby that she doesnt think its a good idea for me to b on the thread wen im feeling down, bcuz it makes her upset to see me cry...little does she kno wat i WOULD b doing if i wasnt on the thread during those low moments....i understand, tho....she's worried about her ole mama!
On a lighter note....I noticed my beloved Lily was smelling a bit too "canine" for my liking, n im too tired to bathe her (with one hand n a monkey paw)....so....as she was walking past me....i ambushed her with a few sprays of Victoria Secret.....LOL....NOW........she's ready to clip on her weave, n wrk the streets...lol
Hope u all r having a good day..
Seeme....give those pups some sugar from me....l jst love them!
Ladee...Once again, sister friend.......happy birthday.....I hope ur relaxing a bit before the new week begins.....Im baking a cake today, in ur honor........n im eating it ALL........... in mine.......LYL
Sharyn...im sooo proud of u taking steps out of ur comfort zone. The more u do it, the easier it will get. Im still looking forward to meeting u in Manteca one day.....wen ur ready....jst say the word.....love ya, girl.
Happy Birthday, Ladee!
Beck-My heart goes out to you with what you've gone through this past week. My Dad has expressed his wishes not to linger, but we have not reached the point where he is asking to die. You are a courageous, caring, loving person and it shows in how you treat your parents. You are a blessing to them. Many prayers for you, and hugs.
Mom29-Welcome! Being watched while you clean and move about in your own home is one of the worst feelings. Glad it eased up some today. I try and clean when my parents are at church. Please come back and join us again. And as Jam says, "We'll leave the light on for you."
Kind of a re-charge weekend for me. I think I needed it. Naps, and rest, and didn't do too much. Funeral and burial for my friend over the next two days, so if I don't post, please know I am thinking of all of you. Then on Wednesday we get Mom's lung scan results and meet with Dad's new GI doctor. No rest for the wicked!
I have to tell you...hubby and I took a whole anniversary trip Friday night in about 10 minutes. We'd love to get away next weekend, but with finances and his work schedule, it's not going to happen. So we imagined ourselves driving up north, with him fallign asleep on the way there from being so tired from work, then eating pizza and watching Cheers (which we actually did on our honeymoon), and driving really fast on back country roads on the way home. It was a wonderful vacation and it didn't cost a dime! I do love that man, and expect he'll be in the padded room next to me at some point. LOL
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
My mom was still in the hospital for her leg infection when he left. She came home 3 days after that. They wrapped her leg up in an unna boot to help with compression and her leg wounds. Thankfully, the hospital is sending a nurse over twice a week to change the unna boot and check on the wounds. That makes me feel a little better, knowing someone is going to be looking after it often.
Things aren't going well for her well. Things are much worse, it seems. She irritated her sciatic nerve, so she's basically dragging her foot around like Igor. Her arthritis doesn't make that any easier, nor her broken rib. It turns out the pain she was experiencing on her other side wasn't another broken rib; her spleen is enlarged, due to her leg infection. There aren't doing much about that though; just treating the infection itself. Because her mobility is so much worse since she got home, she's been having a lot of accidents. When she's not, she's basically spending all day and night sitting on her bedside commode. She hardly leaves it anymore. She doesn't sleep either. She has insomnia to begin with, but now she's lucky if she sleeps 2 hours every few days. She fell asleep a few times driving us home from the store.
I feel like I'm falling apart. When she's not passed out from exhaustion, she's moaning, screaming, and crying at random intervals of the day. Mostly, it's because she's in pain and/or because she's had *another* accident and is already too exhausted to deal with the last one she just had and cleaned up. Most times, I don't know whether she's screaming because she's hurting physically or emotionally. It terrifies me. Every time it happens, I'm filled with dread as I run into check up on her. Am I going to see her sprawled out on the floor? Am I going to see that she's sliced her leg open again?
That happened 30 minutes ago. I was going to watch a movie, but instead, ran into the living room when I heard her screaming at the top of her lungs and crying. I said, "What's wrong? What's the matter?" But didn't go into the living room, because I didn't know if she had an accident or what. She kept screaming and wouldn't answer me. It scared me a lot. I tried to be calm. I needed to be, because if it was an emergency, I need to think straight and administer whatever needs to be done. Turns out it was another accident. I was shaken though and had to call my fiancé to calm me down.
I'm sorry for the long post. I don't even have anything good to report or anything encouraging to say to anyone else. I'm just a mess. I've been exercising everyday, hoping that it'd help, but it hasn't. It's just fueling my eating disorder. I've started to self-harm a lot again; not cutting *yet*, just scratching heavily, enough to leave marks for a few hours. Yesterday, I hurt myself at least 5 times. I just can't stand it anymore, but there's nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing, except eat healthy, find social support, blah blah blah. At some point, it feels like none of that makes any damn difference.
Anyway, I'm sorry for all of this. Just at my wits end and need someone who understands to listen. It's true what this topics title says; no one ever asks me how the hell I am. It's always about my mom and how I can make her comfortable.
Next about your 'self-hurting". That is the same as a person who eats and then goes and throws it up. It's an illness. Just as an anorex/bulemic needs therapy, you also need therapy. There's no If Ands or Buts about it. If you want to lead a normal life, you Need Therapy. Unfortunately, when you become stress - you turn to hurting yourself. When most caregivers here become stressed, they turn to food. When I become stress, I go shopping. Out of all of us, your's is the more dangerous one because you are hurting yourself - physically. I saw on Dr.Drew a caller who had your problem. It's not easy and she's still struggling and is in therapy. It's like an alcoholic. They are constantly fighting the desire for liquor. Yours is just as bad. NOBODY can Avoid Stress. Life is stressful. Meeting people at your work is stressful. Driving fast and trying not to get a ticket is stressful. You cannot avoid stress. Unfortunately, you will be constantly fighting the urge to hurt yourself because that is your reaction to stress. You Need Therapy!
I'm glad that you got on here and have updated us. But, Peach, you need to be proactive. I'm sorry that I'm not familiar with the states' health programs where I can point you the way. Why don't you call the 1-800 hotline for ...gosh, I see it all the time in the commercial at christmas time.$ You need to call someone for help. And you cannot just give up. When the nurse comes to clean your mom, can you at least ASK him/her for ADVICE? Or a place of referral? Please be pro-active! Take care! HUGS to you!