This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Your Lily is a pretty dog. I don't know why I thought she was going to be small!
ur physically hurting urself. There is nothing to b gained n hurting urself....please...stop n seek some help....I'm so sry about moms current condition...it must be terrifying, but it is the reality of ur life right now, n unless u put mom in a NH, u must find a way to cope. My thoughts n prayers r always with u....but especially tonight...I believe in the power of prayer....Sweet girl....understand how precious u r to so many.....u have many women across the country who continue to pray for u...we're all here to help in any way we can.....Sending an abundance of love to u, tonite....Huge hugs, sweetie(((HUG)))
As for Lily....she's definately not a small dog....she's 85 lbs of complete joy....but then, i AM responsible for the extra 20 lbs.....i kno...i kno.....bad mom....but i can't resist her pretty face, n wen her eyes say "Mom....how bout some chicken n potatoes tonite"......i'm all over it....lol.....n even wen her eyes say absolutely nothing........... bcuz she's sleeping........she's dreaming of chicken n potatoes.....LOL.......Geez.....im terrible, aren't I??? Hugs
this tuesday is gma's appointment with legal aid to have her will updated since her last will was written 15yrs ago leaving everything to my dad who died 10yrs ago. i know some of the family will be upset when they read gma's final wishes but i don't care who gets mad or who has a problem with how things are left. all i care about is helping gma get all her affairs in order BEFORE she passes so she can leave what ever she wants to WHO EVER she wants.
gma's been home for a couple of days now and tmro she's hanging out with "the old people"(as she calls them) i've given her "a job" while she's at the senior center which she finds exciting. i send her with a bag of Avon books and samples to pass out to bring me more customer's and in return gma gets a new perfume.
have a good nite all!!
Sam
Peach... there are many online support groups... free, and you don't have to leave the house.... you hook up with people just like you did here to help you understand what you are feeling and how to cope..... and I do understand that all you experiance is familiar and you are afraid of being asked to do some things that get you out of that self destructive space.....
And Bookworm has some excellant suggestions.... you have to get some help...or not... and if you don't... at least seek some sort of help, then we are to understand you have chosen this life of misery.... go back and find as many posts as you can by Bookworm, from when she first started posting on this sight..... does she still have the same issues, yes, but she is learning how to overcome them.... one baby step at a time....
No matter what each of our issues are, and we all have something to deal with, we get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and we seek help... maybe you aren't there yet, and we'll be here for you until you reach that point.... but I do pray that you are trying to hear what we are saying to you.....it takes courage to share about ourselves on here, and it also takes courage to get help.... and all courage is... is doing it anyway, regardless of how scaired we are.... the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results....what you are doing is not working any longer.... you know that or you wouldn't have posted to begin with.... you were asking for help... we hear you, loud and clear.... at least seek out an online support group... do something DIFFERENT today... just one thing....yes it's scairy, but so is the way you are in the world right now.... we don't get out of this life without fear.... Bookworm can be your advocate if you let her... she truly does understand, but she also took suggestions and moved into a proactive mode and has made awesome progress... I am not comparing the two of you... you are both unique, but I am stressing that there is someone on here who is a good example of facing her fears.... she'll be the first to tell you she still has her issues, but she is setting goals, ect... learn from her.... all we can do as Beck said is offer words and prayers.... let us care about you until you can learn to care about yourself.... if any of this upset you are made you angry... sorry, it's called LIFE... some days it's a bitch... but every single day there is something to be grateful for..... if nothing else , you have a computer to reach out for further help.... let us know how you are.....we do care....
*le sigh*
Mom has had 2 surgeries in 2 monts time to release bands of adhesions that were blocking bowel function. Those surgeries went welll, except her BP bottomed out and she was pumped full of fluid to bring it back up. When she peed all that excess fluid out, it lowered her sodium and potassium far too much, which in turn contributed to a severe, sudden onset delirium which put her back in hospital. This delirium has gone on for 2 weeks now. She is obsessive about hygiene, and washes her peri area 4 or 5 times a day, brushes teeth at least that often, and continually wants to go the beauty salon to get hair washed (and says as she exits that they didnt rinse it right, it will have to be done again immediately).
Aaaargh... even as I type this, she just called, at 7:40 AM, to tell me I must come deal with "lots of problems" that she has immediately. Trying to get her to talk a bit about it, she says that she cant drink the water, it makes her burp, so that means she cant have any food with salt on it ever again. Reading your posts gave me the courage to face that head on, and I said "you darn well will have food with salt on it, or else you will land up back in the hospital, Mom:". Dont know if saying it will help, but it felt good to say it!
Mom was becoming increasingly demanding over the last year, so much so that it made it hard for me to continue my full time job, so I quit it in April. My intention was to start a business that would be more flexible, but apparently that is not to be, as almost literally the moment she knew I was "available", she has sucked up every moment of mine that I let her. I try to keep evenings and weekends for myself and my husband, and she resents that. She quizzes me on what we are doing, and makes me feel like I have to justify not being with her. I have come to hate my cell phone... its an electronic leash! I have Mom in complex care now, as we wait to see if her delirium/paranoia/OCD will clear. Its been 2 weeks now, and I dont see any great improvement, so at this time I dont see her ever going back to Assisted Living. I have her Geriatric Psychiatrist coming to see her tomorrow (she has been treated for anxiety for a year now).
Thanks for letting me vent.
Lurking....as usual....and just letting you know that I'm thinking of you all...even Lily and her hair extensions....:)
Still lurking..........:)
Siblings........whatever........sorry, just had my fill of them for the most part. Luckily, I was left in control and to this day, no one has questioned any decision I've made with either of my parents.........not that I was the oldest and it was "my place"......my folks always told me I would be IT. I got SOME help from a couple, but they live 14 hrs away, so it was few and far between, but at least they were there on the phone if needed. Most don't want to deal with it. It puts our own mortality in our faces.
LindaMS......set some boundaries with her now, or you will be burned out by the end of the year, if not sooner..................good luck with that..............
Peach, I will need to research this a bit just so I can have an idea on the self-hurting aspect. I don't know why you do that. When I had migraine headaches as a teenager, I was so frustrated with the pain -even the weight of my hair was hurting my head made me want to bald myself...or get a nail and bang it into my head. Since I knew banging a nail in my head would kill me, and I didn't want to die - instead, I slammed my head against the wall. Let me just say, that was the last time I ever did that!
I won't give you medical advice on this self-hurting thing, but I can research for you and the other poster on a GOOD site that I think would give you the same support as this site - on the self hurting aspect. You both still will need the agingcare.com for your parents help since this site has the experience on this.
Sorry, have to go..time is flying and I don't want to be speeding to work!
Second, Sharynmarie mentioned one of the best online sites for self-harm:
Peach, when you're ready to move on from self-harming,
I'm sorry...I'm really tired and it's only 9pm. I'm going to stop now cuz I need to do tend to parents which will take 2 hours. I can feel myself swaying while typing. Later....
BW.... mercy girl.... you have your hands full.... at least check in and let us know how you are.....
Another early day and long one, so need to get going.... think about you all during my day... lots of love and angels....
Just wanted to pop in and say hello. Love to everyone, Cattails