This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Peach-you are in my prayers. We're all pulling for you...please take another step and reach out to a helpline for yourself.
Sharyn-Sounds like you are making great progress sorting things out.
Cat-glad you had a good time at the wedding.
Welcome to the new posters. Hugs and blessings to you all. You are not alone in your journey anymore.
Ladee-for gosh sakes, you win over Cowboy and then get almost beat by some fire ants?!? LOL I'd send you an anteater if I could :)
Funeral for my friend is all done. Now it's just a mater of going on living. It was wonderful to see so many people turn out. I know it touched his Dad. I was busy almost every minute, but it was worth it. Thank you for the support and hugs.
Going out with a girlfriend for dinner and shopping tomorrow night. Will post how my parents' appt went as soon as I can.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Cat....Welcome home.....r news journalist is"Back in the house"...lol..
So happy to kno that u had a beautiful time at ur grand-daughters wedding...u must b so proud....im glad u took some time away...hope u feel rejuvenated cuz there's news out there that needs reporting, n only u can do it..lol.....missed ya...hugs
Mom29....i hope u can find some time for urself....outside the walls of ur bedroom.
Hang in there, n, i love ur name...by the way....gives me an idea to change mine to....Momdoormatfor5!!! lol
Kimbee....ur post about ur Cosco dinner has caused me to be in a present state of "drool"....sounds great.....i jst need SOMEONE ELSE to make it for me.....im spent for the day!!!! Hope ur doing well....hugs
Jam.....girlfirend!!!!! it was so great to read ur drive-by.......come out of ur lurking an join the insanity that u created,,,,,lol....lol....u kno i love ya....n my "monkey paw"...as Ladee calls it....is healing well. Ladee warned me that if i start noticing hair growing on it.....call the dr...!! Love n hugs from me....n big, sloppy kisses from Lily...
LYL..!!
Hugs to everyone!!!
So, I'll keep ya'll updated, and I will be working every hour I can... seems the other two girls are not working out.... daughter was straight up pissed when she called tonight about how they wanted thier shifts..... daughter is not in the mood for 'stupid'... so I told her to give me as many hours as I can do.... save, save ,save...then I will have a few extra dollars left for when I have my nervous breakdown.....
I'll get caught up with ya'll tomorrow, taking my tired stressed ass to bed.... love and hugs...
Ladee: Girl, we will hire you in a red hot minute, and gonna need more help soon. I'd hate for S to be without you, but I promise I would NOT drive you crazy-I'd APPRECIATE you! Sorry the fireants got you. Texas sounds a little harsh- I just know you'd love it up here in NC!
Notlike, I like your solution for Ladee, where do you think they might sell anteaters?
Peach, you have a complex set of circumstances. Self injury enables people to feel a sense of control, but that is sense of control is not really control. You are real, you don't need to self injure to know that you are real, and you can begin to exert some control and self awareness in a more adaptive way. Depressive disorders are often involved and frequently antidepressants can be helpful. Usually SSRI's; NOT benzo's. Many times patients avoid treatment because they believe, or have been told, there is no help for them: that is an outdated concept, don't believe it. I have seen many people gain success in overcoming this and also really learing a new way to live as they actually change who they are. Best results are obtained when you seek care from someone who is specializing in this issue and knows the ins and outs. At the least anyone working with you should help you face and cope more effectively with your reality, help you develop some accountability and help with ideas to problem solve some of the stressors you face. DBT therapy groups could be helpful for you too. Please explore some ways to help yourself; you are getting a lot of support and love here and you have bared your soul. These survivors will still care about you and how you are doing as you take steps to remedy this serious issue. They will cheer you on and celebrate your successess. They will be proud of you. What do you think is holding you back from taking steps to start getting help? What are you getting out of self injury? Can you get that some other way? Being part of your solution, as Ladee pointed out, will help you feel better. It will be hard, but worth it. You are in charge of yourself, and how you handle your stressors. No one else.
There are a few places in town that I'm interested in. I don't know if we can afford them though. They don't accept her insurance, but I guess they aren't too expensive; about $16-22/hour. One place has a minimum of 4 hours a day, the other 1 hour a day of service. They do everything you could think of, but we really only need help with errands and light housekeeping. There's not much else to do.
About me, there's no way for me to get help right now, to be honest. I'm not able to drive and I can't afford a cab to see anyone. All of the therapists that accept my insurance are too far away to afford cab fare. I don't have any neighbors or family to rely on either.
In case anyone suggests calling a hotline, no way. I did that a few times and it always ended terribly. I never spoke to anyone who was kind at all, always very rude, and was even forced to go to the ER, where I was treated very badly, too. They treat you like a criminal instead of someone who is emotionally broken. I wouldn't call another hotline if you paid me.
My mom has an appointment with a surgeon to discuss surgery to have her colon removed. She wants to have it at the end of September. She's definitely going to have in-home care then, too. She's positive about that.
A nurse came by today to change my mom's unna boots. He's a very nice guy and gave her some odd, but good advice about having a spoonful of seedless blackberry jam after ever BM. He said there's an enzyme in it that helps heal things like gastrointestinal problems and even cancer. I found a helpful article about it, if anyone is ever interested.
For once, you guys, someone actually acknowledged me as a caregiver. Before he left, the nurse looked at me and said, "You're doing a great job." He said he's a caregiver too and knows how hard it is. He looked at me so understanding and sympathetically. I just wanted to hug the hell out of him. I was so glad he said that to me.
Thanks again everyone for your support and advice. I hope everyone has been having a good day. You all do so much for your own family and still have a little left for people here. I look up to you all a lot.
I'm doing some self-help with DBT right now. I've been reading up on it a lot and practicing some things (like self-soothe boxes, wise mind, etc), but that's all I can do at the moment. As you said, DBT would probably be the most helpful.
From self-injury I get release. In all the years that I was in therapy, no one taught me how to channel my emotions in a healthy manner. I've been cutting and burning since I was 14. That's just my go-to thing. I was actually clean for about 4-5 years before I relapsed last year. I try really hard to find alternatives. Sometimes it just doesn't help enough. I do try though. I was successful yesterday and today though! No self-harm whatsoever. :)
You said: "From self-injury I get release. In all the years that I was in therapy, no one taught me how to channel my emotions in a healthy manner." I would suggest that should be the focus of your therapy, as that is where your solutions will be found. And of course avoiding self injury, as you know that is not a healthy manner for channeling your emotions. I would suggest that you share here what emotions you are struggling with, and ask people on this thread how they have learned to handle the same emotion in a healthy way. Of course this is a non pro support group that is not focused on your issue specifically, but it seems that people would be willing to share how they handle different emotions in a healthy manner, if you keep reaching out in a solutions oriented way. Keep a list of the emotions that make you feel a need for that unhealthy release and start by asking about the one that seems to happen with the most frequency. You may recognize a pattern as you begin to write down what is happening preceeding your desire to get that release. I havent' done DBT in a long time, don't remember which tool this is, I'm sure there was one. My books are packed away. Are you able to identify the emotions and label them? I had patients who liked the wise mind tool, but I can't remember what it entailed. I think you have taken a good step to begin seeking help with caregiving issues here. It can be so overwhelming and isolating and there is a ton of valuable experience here. One healthy way of channeling emotions is to become more physically active; could you get to a Y, or get punching bag? or find some kids to engage in some fun pillow fights? Play pick up basketball in your neighborhood? Or take a walk outside for ten minutes when you feel upset? Or half an hour every day. I don't remember exactly what your mom's physical condition is, but when my mom isn't steady on her feet, I try to engage her in "balloon volleyball" from a seated position. It is good for her, and gets me moving more than I thought it would, since I am the one chasing the balloon all over the room. Plus, it's fun! I hope you have a good day tomorrow and can add another day of success. Can you look up the websites mentioned earlier? You may find some great resources without leaving home. I hope no one else here minds that I addressed this with Peach, if you do, please let me know; don't want to upset anyone or get kicked off of my lifeline. Disclaimer: I am not offering any professional advice or medical advice, simply sharing my experiences with these issues, only. If you have these problems, you should always seek professional care and advice. There now. Good night.
As for the lasagna....i kno that it is already made, but, like i said....i STILL need someone to make it for me....in my world...putting pre-made food in the oven is still considered cooking...lol......see......i'm spent!!!.....love ya
That's a good idea about the tool kit. I've been meaning to put together a binder with all my self-help information in it and keep it in my self-soothe box.
I also like your idea about asking others here how they handle certain emotions. I don't want to be a bother though, and don't know if it'd be appropriate or just annoying. I don't want to be a burden. So many people here have it much worse than I do.
I just became active again, about a week ago. I do high-impact exercise for an hour 5 times a week. I said earlier that it doesn't help me much, but I think it does a little. It gives me a place to focus my energy outward and a place to escape and just focus on my body. I don't suddenly became perky and happy, but it takes the edge off and makes my feelings a little bit more manageable, I guess.
I'm familiar with the website that was mentioned earlier, but had forgotten about it. I'm taking a look at it now. I'm also active on a few other support sites for all of my issues. It doesn't always give me answers or solutions, but it gives me a place to go when I need someone to relate to.
At least if you do this, it can help you without paying for the therapy. From what I read, there is a 70% success rate of people overcoming self-harming.
I'm sorry, I have to get ready for work.... I won't be back on here until later this evening.... if I have a brain cell left, I'll check in to see what's going on with everyone....
Kim, NC.... hmmm, that's where my Seeme Sue lives.... and don't mess with Texas girl... fireants are here to keep the Yankee's away....!!!!! Occasionaly we step on their home and get reminded Nature has it's place... tho those little bastards got soaked with ant spray.....
It's getting a little cooler, I may get to hit the backroads soon and do some serious rock hunting.... this week is going to be a loooooong one....but as I said, if I am going to loose my job, I'll be putting my pennies in my Longhorn Bank, we don't use pigs here !!!!!!!!
So, I'll check in later. Love, hugs and angels....
I'm so proud of you, Peach for being pro-active! I'm so glad that the nurse praised you. My family never ever compliments me for caregiving the parents. It's like ...it's my job to do it and so they don't need to compliment me on it. I get MOST (like 99.9%) of the compliments and encouragement from this site. I think that's what's keeping those suicidal thoughts in the back of my mind and not upfront where I can dwell on it.
Congrats on those 2 days of Not doing it! We're all rooting for you Peach. Take care! Hugs to You!!!
Mom29, I'm an introvert. When I was 22, I walked around with my head down and can barely look at people in the eyes. I only talked when spoken to. And even then, it was the shortest answer possible. Since both parents are bedridden in the livingroom, I have been sleeping in the livingroom too. I so understand how your introvert is starving for alone time. Although my sis thinks spending quality time with me is encouraging, sometimes, I just want to tell her that I WANT to go eat breakfast by myself and then go shopping by myself. I sure miss that too. I don't tell sis this because this is her way of encouraging me and so, I go with the flow.
Cat, I'm glad you're back. You sound so happy and energized! Good for you!
Ladee, ha! You are having family drama. I wonder how that's going to turn out? I would be saving like crazy, too. Actually, I do save but not as much as I should. Don't we all?
Dad just reminded me that it's time to change their pampers. Gotta go. FYI, it's rainy season now. I was driving home with the roads flooded. I drive a Corolla - not high enough for these floods. I saw 2 cars stalled from the flooded road. I have always been afraid of driving. I was soooo stressed from driving in almost dark weather, heavy rain and flooded roads. I suddenly felt this whooshing feeling going up from my body to my head, I got sooo lightheaded and heart palpitation. Sigh...I hate driving!!! My car almost died close to home. Darn! Tomorrow morning, my brakes will be awful. I'm going to have to spend 5-10 minutes just driving forward and backward to heat up the brakes or else it will keep locking. Before I drive on the road... It always does this when I go through flooded waters. Don't know if this is normal or not...Later and good night.
You've come to the right place...there are a lot of compassionate caregivers here waiting to support you.
Has your mom always been this demanding? Like another post said, as hard as it is you must start setting boundaries. I know how difficult it is because my mother calls 4-5 times a day and goes on and on about herself.
I encourage you to keep informing us of your situation. Lots of good ideas. Do you have a hobby? Maybe you feel like you don't have time for it. Whatever helps you to focus on YOU is a good thing even if its a bubble bath.
You're doing a great job and like all of us you are inly human. Give yourself a pat on the back
I went to the bank yesterday after that meeting with my POA documents, and registered them so that I am now legally exercising those duties. Mom's bank card has been "captured" by the bank, and a new one for her account was issued to me for use as POA. Mom will not have access to her money except through me. The bank told me that had I continued to carry moms card around, and use it, or if I had lost it or had it stolen, I would have been held liable for any loss mom incurred as a result of that, since only the cardholder is supposed to have it.
I found myself to be very happy after all that was done. I think what I was feeling was relief that a decision had been made, and that my role is now more "official". It was very empowering when the doctor said "you should continue to be in charge of everything". Daunting, but at least my efforts were recognized.
Ladee: A big hug and belated Happy Birthday to you. Save your pennies and try to get some rest where you can. Sounds like you will be working a ton of hours.
Peach: You've gotten great advise here, so I won't add anything. Just want to say that in spite of your depression and other issues, you are an amazingly bright young woman. You really are. Keep working on that tool kit and trust that you can over come the compulsion to self harm. You are stronger than you can imagine. Kimbee gives you excellent advise. Stay with us and keep posting.
Notlike: Big hugs to you. I loved your imaginary anniversary trip. We've taken quite a few of those over the past 7 years.
LindaMS: Glad you had a productive couple of days and are feeling more at peace with all that is on your plate.
Vic: I am so hoping things settle down for you now and that your dad will continue to improve. Hopefully, no set backs and smoother sailing for as longs as possible.
Seeme: Hugs the puppies for me. We picked up our 2 dogs yesterday am from the boarding place. They were fine.
I'll write more later. Got to go to a care meeting. Hugs to all, Cat
I don't know what's wrong with my mom but something is. Lately, she can't sit up straight. She constantly leans further and further over, as if she's falling asleep. She says she's awake, but I can't tell. She paid the bills over the phone earlier and kept leaning so far over that she knocked over the TV tray that was in front of her 3 times. She was practically face down on the tray before it tipped over. At one point, she said to me, "Where's mom?" I asked her what she was talking about and she got irritated and said, "Where's MOM?" I told her, "Mom, she's passed away now," to which she said irritatedly, "I know that." I asked her about that later and said she she couldn't remember where her mom was, where she was buried, and got really anxious and started to panic.
She can barely see. I swear it's due to the damn steroids that the doctors insist she takes, even though they aren't doing anything good for her! She used to have such beautiful cursive, but lately she's been writing in print or in all capital letters. She addressed a letter to my dad in jail and wrote our zip code down incorrectly. I don't know what's up; whether it's some sort of delirium due to the steroids or because she's so incredibly exhausted. I asked her if they doctors are weening her off the steroids, but she says she doesn't know or won't know until she sees one of them during her next appointment. I called the doctor and spoke to a nurse, who said she'd have the doctor call me back sometime today.
I feel like she's not even my mom anymore. She's thinner, she's anxious and confused, crying all the time. I mean, sometimes she's okay, sometimes she's not. We watched a TV show last night, I showed her funny animal videos on Youtube, and told her some terribly corny jokes and she was normal. It scares me. I'm scared she'll never get better. I worry that she won't be okay when it's time for me to go visit my fiancé for his surgery. She even fell again yesterday just trying to do to much and lost her balance. What if I hadn't been there?
We're talking about getting her one of those Life Alert type things for when I go, but we haven't actually looked into it too much yet. It's something I definitely want to get though. Better safe than sorry.
His life was consumed by his career, at the sacrifice of his children.....a regret that haunts him, terribly, to this very day..As i was looking around, i noticed a piece of paper with some writing on it that was unrecognizable to me...As i look more closely...it was my dad's handwriting...He had,apparently, been trying to practice writing his name as well as the name of the business that my husband n i own.....I fell apart, on the spot...I realized that he was trying to recapture the strength n control that his penmanship use to convey.....but, it is now just fractured letters, that convey his weakness n longing to regain the man he once was.....all this, i could understand, from a piece of paper with dad's attempt to write his own name...
What i have learned, with the advice n guidance from the extraordinary women on this site, it that i must accept the man that sits before me now, as my dad...n get to kno him differently..I kno, now, that i will never see the father that raised me, again. I have come to accept that, although, it saddens me everyday. I have learned to live in dad's world n to embrace him for all the things that his world has to offer...He still teaches me so many things about this life, even thru this horrible disease. He will always b my teacher, n, i, forever , his student..Wat im trying to say to u is, don't expect that mom will "get better"....she will certainly have better days than others, n those days will give u hope that things may change, but the harsh reality is, they will not. Enjoy mom to the fullest ur heart can hold wen she's having a good day, n on the days wen she is struggling, n may b at her worst....u have to learn to b in her world....she will never be able to fully b in urs....i dont mean to be negative....i jst want u to understand that mom's condition will continue to deteriorate, jst as my dad's will, n the sooner u accept that fact, the better for both of u. There is no question that ur situation is extremely difficult, n the stress it places upon u r overwhelming....but, don't add to it by spending ur energy hoping that things may "reverse" with mom....they will only fast forward.....im sorry....i kno those r harsh words....but this life is not meant to b easy for any of us...n ,we often don't want to hear the truth..we prefer to live in a space of denial.....Enjoy mom wenever those moments present themselves....jst as u did the other nite in watching tv with her n showing her Youtube videos.....those will b the memories that sustain u wen the time comes to let my go.....I have many memories that will sustain me about dad....n i will cherish every one of them.....but we both r blessed to still have r parent with us.....no matter the physical or mental condition....U n i were placed in the position as caregivers for a very specific reason.....not jst bcuz there r no other family members there to help, but bcuz it takes a special person, capable of showing sensitivity, compassion, empathy, patience, n, most importantly, an ability to love without boundaries or limitations......u, sweet girl...r that person....n in order to take on this responsibility, u must b healthy within urself,
in order to give mom the best care possible, which is wat she deserves... As my dad's caregiver, i have learned that i can not b selfish anymore....which means, i cannot sink deeper into my own addiction n pop pills to escape my reality....i owe my father 100% of myself...everyday...he has been my rehab...he has saved my life.....Let ur mom do the same for u.....As a mother.....it would b her greatest joy to kno that u r healthy n strong before she leaves this earth..Forgive me, if i have crossed a line of any kind, with u.....Please kno that i share these things with u bcuz i care so much about u....u've become my cyber-daughter, so to speak...hope that's alright with u....Stay strong for mom....stay strong for u.....u're worth more than u realize......i love u, sweet girl......HUGE HUGS
I am beat again tonight... will try to get caught up tomorrow.... love and hugs...