This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
beck....the col used to try and call us all the time with her remote.....but her mind never could see there was difference, so we just brought the cell phone home. Thanks for the chuckles.....love ya!!!!!
Lindy-My sympathies for your Mom passing.
Vic-sorry your Dad has such bad times. I know it is hard on both of you. Thinking of you often...hugs.
Jessie-For myself, I've found that the busier and worse things get, the more I've learned what is and is not important. So many things can wait. Because when it rains, it pours. I do know how you feel, though. Sometimes, I just want to cry Enough! to whoever's in charge of this planet.
Burned-Happy belated Bithday! Hope you had a good day.
Stormy-The beach sounded great. So glad you got away and spent some time with Connor and hubby. try and remember how it felt when things get crazy again.
Smitty-Part of not wanting to socialize can also be because our lives are so not in tune with non-caregivers. When things are really bad around here, the last thing I have patience for is hearing about somelse's kid's Little League game or win at bingo. I think to myself "Who cares? Don't you know I'm having a crisis here?!?" It makes me alot less friendly than I would otherwise be.
Mom is healthy as a horse. Except for the new spot on the back of her lung, which they think is scar tissue from the radiation treatment, but they're not entirely sure. So she has another scan in two months.
Dad's new GI doc told him his colon is just worn out. With the right meds, he may get back to close to normal. No surprises there, but it was good to hear a medical professional say it.
So life goes on. Got into it with Mom last night because she doesn't want to buy Ensure for Dad. She says it's too expensive and he should get all the nutrition he needs from the food he eats. Never mind he barely eats anything and poops out most of what he does eat right away. Or that she has money to donate to political campaigns and to buy material to make gifts for people. For a change, I did not back down. I didn't yell or be nasty, but I didn't back down. A little while later, she came out of her room and asked about using the store brand Ensure instead, because it's less expensive. So I guess I won, at least until we see the dietian on Wednesday. Mom is going with us, and plans to ask her if the Ensure is neccessary "for him to survive." I might just call her first and warn her!
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.
Notlike.....good for you for standing up to mom. I'm sure the dietician will say the Ensure or store brand is necessary My mil was so tight, I swear she squeaked when she peed.....but she would spend lots of money on stuff she never used.....
I hope everyone in the path of Isaac stays safe and sound. The last one we had was Floyd, and I didn't think the rain would ever stop. We had a neighbor's tree fall right where my car would have been if I hadn't taken the dogs with me to a friend's brick house for the night....seems they always come at night around here. We lost power for 4 days with that one. I even had to get in line in town for ice , and every time there is an emergency, hubby is called to work. Heaven forbid the city can't flush their toilets. He works with waste water for the city. He really knows his shit......I keep telling you poop stories follow me around for a reason!!!
M ended up in ER Fri evening with a UTI, I didn't catch it because she has such a low pain threshold , it's hard to discern when it's real or exaggerated....Daughter and I talked about that this week, how will we know???? Anyway , she is feeling better, went to check on her yesterday while running errands...
Family is wanting around the clock care, so our shifts are being tweeked.... there are three of us, so I will work that one extra until they find someone else, won't take long, as one of the girls has someone in mind.... it will keep them out of the NH for awhile longer.....
Just about caused a scene at M's yesterday.... leave it to me to be tired and leaving my "social editor" at home !!!!!! One of the girls gets on my last nerve when I'm NOT tired, so yesterday all I could do was ignore her..... guess it was apparent, but my other choice would have really gotten some stuff started... anyway, the OTHER girl calls, blah blah blah, and we all have to get along, and she thinks you are mad at her.... finally said WAIT........ stop talking..... we are not in the 4th grade here,if she has a problem SHE needs to call... if not, then ignoring her is the way I am going to handle this... and I do not need to be told how to be professional.... click.... so far no phone calls.... If I can give a titty shot on Main street, do ya'll really think I give a flying f*ck what these two little twerps think.....They both do a great job with S and M , and the rest of it has nothing to do with nothing.....First of all, I'd have to CARE what they think, and I don't.....
I am too tired and I know it.... so keeping my mouth shut works for me.... better than the alternative....I have had no issues with them coming in there and finding their own system.... M does't like the one I don't like because she is loud and never shuts up.... no big deal. It's up to M or the family to address that.... I am not the boss of anything..... they kept calling me about changing their shifts,,,, call the daughter, that has nothing to do with me...so there are adjustments being made by all involved... no big deal, but I don't HAVE to like anyone..... I can feel my 'old street dog' ways creeping to the surface.... that is not a good thing.... so am resting alot this weekend.... I will only have to work 8 hrs as opposed to 12 to 14, so this is a good thing......so just taking a little time to work out the kinks.....
So maybe ya'll should send up a few prayers for the 'Stupid One' to try ignoring me too...... and it will all smooth out..... I'm not very tactful with Stupid when I'm NOT tired... so I am very proud of me for keeping my mouth shut.... won't help a thing to say anything so why bother.....
So, know I have been reading.... hugs to you all, just trying to lay low for a little while so they don't have to call out the SWAT team...... I really am trying to be a good girl....
Love you all, prayers daily, when I'm not praying to keep my own mouth shut..... hugs across the miles to all of you....
Thoughts and prayers for all of you.
And you too Notlike..... standing up to mom about the Ensure..... Dad should not have to do without because of a tight fist.... so let us know what the dr. says.... hugs to both of you, and Bookworm, and all the others taking care of two parents...... much respect for all of you....
Thank stormy..doesnt happen too often ..haven't had any real get away since may for 4 days..an the
Vic-Crying for you. I know it's hard. I have so much ahead of me to go through that I fight against thinking about it being over...it's too far away. You've been at this so long. Hang in there, and know you are loved.
Teach-Welcome! Don't doubt yourself...you are doing the best you can. This site has lots of info and articles, and this thread is full of wonderfull people who are walking your same path. there's lots to learn here.
Austin-thanks for the info about the CIB. Depending on what the dietitan says, we'll probably switch to that.
Quiet day here at Casa Crazy. No complaints from me. Almost ready to start all over again tomorrow.
But I know I was taking everything personal, my patience, well just hanging on by a thread... so I just don't know how you do it.... I really don't.... guess that's why we pile on the suggestions, we just feel so damned powerless to help you, Notllike, Bookworm,,,I know I couldn't do it.... I just couldn't...
And don't worry Notlike, those two are out of thier league in 'mumble , double tallk and avoidance'... I'll have them both so confused they won't know if I'm pissed off or not.... and Austin... no no no, we do not want the old'street dog' to come out of hiding....That was the drinkin' and druggin' Ladee, that rode Harleys' and wanted to take names and kick ass.... I really think I'm too old to do all that any more... I couldn't even ride a Harley anymore, I'd get cramps in my legs.... the wind in my face would dry my skin too bad, and of course I don't do fun chemicals anymore either... but Lord that ole girl was a character.... she still lives inside of me.... we've taken the 'street dog' off the street and made her an upstanding citizen... but I hear her 'growwwwwling' in situations like this... especially with silly condenscending women..... ( and before some get the idea that the term 'getting her off the street', means what you think it does,,, nope, just a term used by 'street people"... ya know, the ones ya'll are scaired of...lol)
Melissa posted a pic on FB, of three old ladies giving titty shots with their granny bra's on... you know I stole it and posted it on my timeline.....I can't ride Harley's anymore, but I can still raise my shirt.... YEEEE HAAAAAA
It was really sweet to watch dad here today. He would jst sit,quietly, on the sofa, stare at me...then Lily....Dad is not a dog fan, but i think Lily got to his heart a bit today. She must have sensed his mood, bcuz she jst sat right next to him thru the entire visit, n would look, very closely, at his face, n rub her nose on his hand so he would keep petting her. She jst wanted to b near him, n dad was really sweet with her. Next thing u kno....dad has a big smile on his face n starts talking to her, n she was so excited...She was wagging that tail of hers so fast, i thought it might fly rite off her ass!!! LOL....wat a sight that was....or should i say....wat a memory..
Anyway, it was a long n emotional day for me, n once i stopped long enough to sit down, i realized how exhausted i am...so...i'm going to call it a nite...jst wanted to check in with everyone before retiring. I hope everyone got some rest this weekend, n i pray we all get thru another week in the world of caregiving. Jst want to let u all kno how much u all mean to me....No matter how hard my day has been, or how many tears i have cried,,,,coming here to spend my time with all of u, lifts my spirits. I really dont kno wat i would do with all these emotions i go thru everyday, if i didnt have my sisters on the AC to unload this heavy heart of mine.....Thanku all.......i jst love each n everyone of u...Goodnite
I know what you mean about one person wearing out taking care of the other... that is M, along with her own health issues.....she has reached the end of her endurance... so starting today they will get 24/7 care.....between us three caregivers, it will keep them out of the NH.... S would not last 6 months with all those changes.....and he is comfortable with the three of us... so hopefully we move forward with few problems....
I was called in yesterday for a few hours...so it is going to take awhile to work out all the timing, but we'll get it done... and hopefully they will have a PRN, to fill in the gaps here soon..
And Beck, S is the same way with M... he gets anxious when M isn't around or he doesn't know she is right down the hall.... it is a huge juggling act all day long, to allow M time to rest, and tend to S and keep him off the furniture that is not meant to be sat on....
Finally got the son to listen to me about S's shoes... he got him some slip on tennis shoes, he seems to walk more steady now....
But God, if you're listenting,,, could you make it a little cooler here.... the heat is driving us all over the edge..... it's time for some cooler winds.... some leaves that are a pretty color...... and at least one cool morning hour on the weekends for me to go rock hunting.... the back roads are calling me..... that is my 'church', and have a deep need to connect with nature for a few hours.... the quite, the solitude.....
And Judy, to this day I will stop and hold my hand to my heart when I hear a Harley.... it never leaves you..... here in Texas, we have a Republic of Texas rally every year... sort of like Sturgis in Texas.... they hold it in Austin... only 40 miles from where I live...so for one whole weekend, we have Harleys' by the hundreds going thru town as we are on a major route to Austin.... this past year, I jumped out of my car on 290 and gave a titty shot , of course it was with the granny bra still on, didn't want to gross any old biker out, got lots of thumbs up....and lots of smiles.... some things don't change....
It is a misunderstood lifestyle for sure... One year one of our good freinds passed away from cancer.... it was a mixed group at the funeral... so some were quite intimidated by all the bikers... but the respect was there... there is a term called "flying colors' which means the vests that bikers wear that say what group they are with.... and all the different groups turned their vest inside out while at the funeral... so there would be no problems....Tho we all knew who was who, it was still a sign of respect.... And he had a Harley escort to the cemetary.... I can still hear all those Harley's starting up and makes me cry to this day.... That was the 'thunder' that sent him on his way.... That part of my life will be with me till the day I die..... and like your freind, I get weak in the knees.... I miss it still....
If M had any idea of my past she would faint straight away.... so some things I keep to myself.... safer that way.... love ya'll, find one thing to be grateful for today....
If ya'll think I am an unstable ex-Harley riding street dog now, you have no idea what the sound of a ringing bell would do to me...... there is a GOD and He does care about caregivers...... no bell found, monitor on it's way ...... THANK YOU GOD.....
I won't tell you any true ghost stories about those. No need for you all to have your imaginations run wild. Let's just say, not every scary movies are false - sometimes it can happen in real life -...Unless it only happens to My Family? Hmm....Do you think I can ask everyone here if this every happened to them when they had a baby monitor? No,I better not. The last time I mentioned dolls, you all got carried away. I sure don't want that to happen about the monitor. But, I can say that it happened to me and to my sister (who does not live here in this house.).
Hi Beck, I'm sorry that your mom's health is not so good right now. I think you will need to have a "Plan" on what you will do when the time comes when your mom can no longer care for herself and your dad. Until then, maybe your dad would get to really enjoy Lily on your future visits! Lily must be lovable AND smart to know how to react with your dad. I think Lily is learning from you on how to be a wonderful caregiver! I like your Lily stories. I think, Beck, you are a very good storyteller- you're comments are easy to follow and visualize. I'm not even an animal person - but I enjoy your stories. I think you will make a wonder writer. Maybe, one day, you can write a book that stars your Lily...you can make it as a child's book featuring the escapades of Lily, etc...
Ladee – don’t know what to say about the new nurses and you. Shame on you for not being a Team Player! I don’t know who came up with that. My sis works for a larger company. I can’t believe the things the employees do on their weekend in the name of being “part of the team.” I told her to tell them that it’s her day off. She said she can’t cuz it will reflect badly on her work. I’m thinking those nurses were trained/educated by the same institution who believes a good company is a company with “team players”. I don’t think I could handle all that stuff.
Teachinmomma – Welcome to AC! Most of us know just what you’re going through. Can’t tell if we should scream, or cry, or throw a temper tantrum. I will admit to you that one time, in pure frustration, I went outside of the house, and just screamed as loud as I could. It worked, nephew of next door came out, and I yelled at him that I was late for work, and he needs to babysit grandparents until the caregiver arrives.
Seemeride, that was very good advice about screaming/crying and at the end of the day to find something funny. I would do that but the minute my head touches the pillow, I fall asleep. Your tips went into my “TIP” notes.
Vic – I was like that yesterday. I’m usually tired but yesterday was different. I think I was having a mini-depression. Because just reading your words “Am so tired…tired..tired….no desire to do anything…feel like a zombie..” That’s exactly what I felt. It lasted all day and night. It’s depression caused by our Exhaustion from our caregiving. I know exactly how you feel…I hope you feel better soon…
Well, 9pm, time to do the daughterly duties...
Hugs to you!
After the drama of starting on getting my mum's and step-dad's past due taxes dealt with from 2004-2008 when I discovered this problem in 2009; her broken hip and going to the nursing home in 2009; some intense family of origin therapy issues in 2010; getting all of these taxes over with in 2010; I find things have come to the grind of her declining dementia; constantly wanting to go home and thinking that she can; the miss-perception that she's only been there a few months when it has been 3 1/2 years and staring to wonder with the US market being so unstable how long her securities will last her after finally getting the investments where the interest would pay for what her long term insurance does not. I must be going through another caregiving stage of some sort which I don't know what to name.
I wish everyone well in their own various challenges.