This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Anyway, now that I was wide awake,...I noticed that I didn't lock the door between the livingroom and outside kitchen (an extension of the house but the locks are well...not locks.). It was actually slightly opened. Then, mom's trache - I thought I finished it lastnight - but it was only halfway done! As I'm posting this, it's only 9pm but I'm getting dizzy. I will need to close now and do the parents and go sleep early.
Can you believe a customer plans to drop by the office tomorrow at 8:30am -when we open?! I haven't been to the office exactly or even Before 8:30 in a loooong time! I will need to be Speedy Gonzales with the parents tomorrow morning. Maybe ask sis if she can feed mom (takes a long time for those milk to go down the tube.) Just watch, I will rush to work, and he won't come in until AFTER 830am...
Cat, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad declining. I know that you're close. I guess the best that you can do is what you're doing now....beint there for him...and just talking to him...You take care!!
I don't kno how u manage.....n, in kno, u must be exhausted. I feel very blessed that my parents r not at the point of care that u r having to provide for mom....U have helped me put things into perspective regarding dad....thanku....If u can get thru ur demands with mom.....i, can certainly do the same with dad..!! Hope ur day goes well....love u, girl...
But did want to say that M caught the night girl in a lie... so it's not looking good for either one of them.... and they would be doing me a favor if I get fired.... too damned tired... just too tired to play "nice' with either of those stupid women.....
Beck-Your Dad is the most adorable trouble-maker! I just have this mental picture from how you've described him, and he seems so sweet. Difficult at times, but sweet :) No Boston Marathon for him, even if he thinks he can LOL
Stormy-You Go Girl! So proud of you for getting your brother to help. And hoping Connor had a great day.
Ladee-if the truth fits...hang in there hon. Hugs.
Today was not a good day. I goofed and thought Dad's dietitan appt was this morning at 7:45. You know how they give you multiple days/times when you are trying to make an appt? I must have written down the wrong one. He was disappinted, but Mom was livid because she got up early to come with us. Wouldn't say a word to me. And that just was the final straw after some of the nasty things she's said over the past few weeks. I kind of melted down when I got home from work. I'm just not good with the snappy come-backs, and then things bug me for days afterward. I wonder if I will ever get it through my head that I cannot please her, no matter how hard I try. And that laying low and trying not to anger her does no good, since I can never predict what will set her off.
Dad says that having their big meal at lunch isn't totally working. Mom is too tired to really cook, and her idea of a big meal is a salad. His is meat, potatoes, bread, and a veggie. He doesn't want to try Meals on Wheels, where they bring a big lunch to the house every day. And I am sick of not knowing if they are eating with us until the last minute. I'm either packing away a bunch of leftovers, stretching things to feed more people, or cooking three or four different things at once to make everyone happy. Even burgers on the grill is a ton of effort. She won't eat the seeded buns hubby likes, and turns up her nose at the plain store brand I buy, but doesn't supply her own buns. She won't eat beef, so turkey burger for her, well done for Dad, medium rare for hubby and son. Dad wants his cheese put on before the burger comes off the grill, no one else does. Mom cuts up onions, and hubby is expected to eat them, but he prefers sliced. No store brand condiments allowed. Must also make a veggie. (With burgers and chips??? The whole point is that's supposed to be easy, not a full course meal!)
So hubby and I talked, and we're going to try another idea. I'm going back to posting dinner menus for the week. Then they will know what we are having, and can decide if they want it or not. I will always make extra, and if they don't eat with us, we'll have leftovers another night. No more asking, substituting, or buying stuff I'm never going to eat myself. I will take suggestions, and include things I know they like, but I am a working caregiver, not a short order cook! When Mom finally is willing to give up the pretense of cooking, I will continue to do my best and make things they will eat. But I'm so tired of trying so hard and it's never good enough. It has to stop, at leat alittle, or I will be crazy before they are bedridden.
I think that's enough venting for today for me. If I start telling you all about Mom and the pears, I will get mad all over again!
Goodnight, and stay safe from the hurricane.
You'll get there... and at least this time you were angry and not hurt... so that is progress too whether or not you realize it.... Prayers for you Notlike, you are still an awesome daughter that I would love to call mine..... sorry you got the pissy mom....
Stormy, how did it go for Connor today, and how did you handle it????
Thought about you today...
Just talked to the daughter, she just laughed and said next time she sees me she's going to make me go pick my own switch......!!!! So I have an ass whopin' comin' I guess, but she said it was no big deal..... guess I will have to put my shift report in writing... pretty soon no one will be talking to me.... Yippie Ki Yaaaa M***er F**ker.....
Thanku 4 ur kind words......huge hugs....much love
Seriously, Beck, you take every message your parents send to heart and that just says a lot about you. You are a great daughter. Yes, out of the mouths of babes. They just don't understand the world we live in. God bless them too, why should they. It's our own private place and we wouldn't wish it on them. Makes me want to cry for the innocence we would all love to have.
I don't expect my dad to live much longer. We have decided on comfort care. I have posted more details on Lisa's thread. "Two years ago this July, etc." I don't have the energy to rewrite it.
Beck knows the details. My heart goes out to all of you and those you love.
Hugs, Cattails.
Stormy hope Connor had a great first day.
Ladee Lou..you are the best. Your sense of humor carries you through and also helps others to laugh.
Cat so sorry that dad is not doing well. My heart goes out to you and dad.
Beck what a trip your day was..pray today is better for you and parents.
Dad seems a little more alert ..he is talking a bit he even picked up his coffee cup the yesterday. It's the little things. I just pray that he doesn't suffer he says he is ok.
Love and prayers for all to have the best day possible.
Left them a note, didn't feel like using the energy to speak to them directly, and that way they can't say I used a certain tone or see my face... anyway, hope things settle down as I am getting seriously burned out and this isn't helping..... just want to go do my job ya'll, how hard is that.... these two are young and apparently not cut out for this work.... our charges are priority, not all this petty bullshit..... going to take a shower and go to bed.... this is taking my stress level over the top.... love ya'll.... later...
It's a really long story why she isn't in the nursing home for good and I'll take time later on today to explain. Nancy is due soon and she likes to walk slowly past me to read over my shoulder even though I've told her that really bothers me. I'll just wait until she goes into MIL's room to sit with her awhile.
So, I decided to take our portable 2 burner (mini stove) and cook inside the livingroom since the outside kitchen has only one outlet - for the fridge. As I was going to plug in the burner, I noticed the outlet in the livingroom. The extension cord that goes to the outside kitchen (connects the rice, micro, toasteer and burner) - the right side of the wall surge protector was black and part of the plastic had melted!
I called my 28yr old nephew over. He saw it and kept saying to me, "Oh, Aunty, it's a good thing you have that wall surge protector. If you didn't have it, and see how it burned the wall surge protector? If this was connected to the wall, it would have burned the wiring all the way to the box." Then he gave me a tip on how to pull the plug. I did try but I'm not strong enough to just pull it straight. I found myself having to wiggle it to pull it out. But I figured wiggling a damaged cord still attached to the outlet was not wise. So, I stopped, got the phone and gave it to dad. I told him that I'm going to pull the cord. If something happens to me, call 911. He got mad and told me not to touch it. Call the boys next door and let one of them do it. So, I did.
Now, it's just bugging me like crazy. My oldest sis is ....54 years old. Hello?! Couldn't she figure out that something's wrong with the connection and investigate it? She needs to THINK because I cannot think for all 4 of us. She's the oldest, worked before in accounting, and have 2 grown kids. She should have checked it out. It's a very good thing that that damaged cord did not cause a fire. We were very fortunate that we have that wall surge protector.
I will admit, that I smelled a burning smell 2 nights ago. But, my nose doesn't work well. I can walk past a dead animal without smelling it. The pan on the oven could be burning and I can't smell it...but several times, the smoke came into the livingroom and I knew it was burning. I sneeze or get this instant headache if someone's wearing strong perfume/cologne. I sneeze a lot when I change mom/dad's pampers, etc.. I may not smell it but my nose still reacts. We do have fire alarm detectors in all the rooms except the bathroom and outside kitchen.
My oldest bro of next door is an electrician. When he was in his career job, my dad asked him to check our electricals - he told dad that he's tired. When I mentioned it a few years ago, he told me that if I get the supply, he will check it. Uh? I'm not an electrician, what supplies do I need? In other words, he doesn't want to go out of his way to help us. But when sil's family needs help with their electricals, he goes and does it! So, now I will worry about the electrical in this very old house with 2 bedridden parents.
FYI, every time we seek professionals, we get cheated on. They see 2 bedridden people and a FEMALE and rip us off with very high fees. I told this to bro but...I guess we female need to be aggressive - which will not happen since I tend to believe people at face value. I will go buy more wall outlets surge protectors and another extension cord this afternoon.....
The 14 days were wonderful, though. All 13 of them. I spent the 14th day worrying about it going by too fast and it did. :o(