This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ya'll want to repeat after me? I love my friends more than my siblings, I love my friends more than my siblings, I took time last night and tagged every damned thing that I got together, the note above the stuff that was look then donate went out the door by the "ugly" brother and friend, primarily the friend.. Afraid my temper went with it, by the time they were ready to leave, I was yelling.. either I am not speaking english or those two are about as stupid as they can possibly get. I am betting on the later.
I primarily concentrated on the stuff I needed to get prior to those idiots emptying the house, I told them this morning that the other brother was interested in the round shipping containers that are on the back porch, what does the friend have to go do? start snooping through them, and saying oh, that's all junk...I don't give a damned if it is.. it's not their right to decide who gets what.
My younger brother has never been spiteful, and right now, I feel he is being about as spiteful as he can get, he doesn't want anything and doesn't want anyone else to have anything.. maybe I will get lucky tomorrow and neither one of them will show up.
Was there till 2 this morning, and back at it at 6, fixing to go lay down and sleep for a few hours and then start again, prefer to do it while there is no chance of anyone getting on my nerves, neither the brother or friend come out after dark.
Jerry acts like if he calls Tuesday Morning to the people that have Mom's double wide financed, and let them know that she's passed, that they will be out Tuesday afternoon, which is the excuse he is using, "wants all this stuff out before they come out and throw it in the yard" told him he knows just as well as I do, how long those guys take to get out here, it was over 8 months when the friends mom passed away before they came and got her trailer.
She left me the double wide as well, but it comes with a 17,000.00 mortgage on it and there is no way I would be able to handle the payments on it, on the bike Hubby had to have, we're down to just under 13,000.00 from 15,000.00, My disability came through but it's only 935.00 per month, something happens to hubby and I am screwed. At least with the motorcycle, I stand a chance of resale.
Just got the bad news from my SIL that their brother in CT died this morning, I was hoping that hubby would be able to get up there and see him, prior to this, but when the daughter called last week and said that it was a bad time for company, I suspected this was what was up. Had a hard time trying to explain to hubby, that sometimes a family doesn't like to have others around during times like this, and it didn't matter he was "family" too.
Had to fight with Mom just to get her to let her son's come see her...actually she didn't let them, I told them to show up whether she liked it or not...they had to have the opportunity to visit prior to her getting where there was no chance of having a nice visit.
SIL wants to go to the service, but didn't have the money for the plane ticket, I did a quick search, found some reasonable prices, and told her to just tell me when, and the ticket would be sitting at the counter for her. I don't mind putting off the vacation for a month or two, to make this happen for her and for hubby.
They both got screwed from being able to grieve their mom's passing because of their father. Hubby has been harboring that resentment for 59 years. Told her she would be flying economy instead of the first class we flew her the last time.. Glenn had gotten a bunch of money for back pay, and she'd never flown first class, so we booked her a round trip in first.. She had a great time.
Anywho, still have not laid down yet, Hubby is in North Carolina riding with some buddies, he got the bad news but seems to be doing ok at the moment. Talk with you after a while...don't believe I will be going back over there this evening, the 'uglies" are done for the day, so I don't have to worry about that, not to mention the fact that the house is locked up and I have the only key..lol..
Big Hugs.
Much love and blessings to all
Joan
Toonie sounds like a wonderful cat.. caught mine playing with a chipmonk the other day, she'd let it run for a while, then play some more, run a bit and then play some more, she finally got bored and let it take off.. For the most part, she just plays with them, only found one body that I knew she'd done it.
Amen on the "old age is no place for sissies"
We look forward to getting to know you.
I took notes!!!!!!1
Indyrose, all I can say is choose your battles wisely. The older generation grew up in a different time. There weren't showers and freshly laundered clothes everyday. Some habits are hard to break. My dad has 2 showers a wk. His skin is very dry and fragile and he never sweats. Of course he has "spit baths" and clean clothes in between. But not clean cloths everyday unless he spills food on them.
But if it will make hubby happy and keep the peace just put their clothes into the laundry when they undress at night as someone else suggested.
Alwaystired, when we take on this care giving roll it is because we want the best for our loved one. But we need to do the best for ourselves to. Don't beat yourself up about putting mom in an ALF. It may be what is best for both of you.
Debbiecakes, I understand what you said about not wanting to talk about your situation because it is exhausting. I was there when my mom was still alive.
People would ask how we were and I would just say "fine". How could they ever know what I was feeling, they didn't live in the dysfunction. My mom had mental issues that made life miserable.
Mom died 3 mths ago and I find that I still don't want to talk about it because I am still exhausted deep down inside. I think you should take sometime and think about your situation and then do what you think is best at this time in your life.
Your grandparents are so blessed to have such a wonderful granddaughter who loves and cares for them. Just don't let YOU get lost in all of this.
Oh and I just love birds. I used to have some but found out that I was terribly allergic to them. Now I just enjoy the one's outside.
Emjo, anyone who quotes Betty D. is a friend of mine!!!!!!
When times get over whelming I just remind myself that I can't change others but I sure can change myself. Peace to you all.
Welcome to the new posters....I think you will enjoy being here and we always love to make new friends. And we miss those who haven't posted for a while....HINT HINT!!!!
I've been lurking here for a couple of hours...finally caught up on posts.
Debbie you sound better today....I'm glad for that. Our "other daughter" hasn't posted for several days, so she's in time out. She'd better have a good excuse...lol.
To get everyone caught up.....the col got her hair cut yesterday and looked so darn cute.....took 10 yrs off her. Care giver gave her a nice bath, put her in clean clothes and she had a great day. Fed her supper then went down around 10 pm to put her to bed and she had slapped some hot rollers in her hair and just ruined her new do. It was cut for "wash and wear" so she would quit messing with the hot rollers. She yelled at me for a bit, I took the hot rollers away from her and put her to bed. Today, I'm the next best thing since peanut butter..."You're so good to me"....I guess it didn't hurt that I bought her some of her favorite snacks....cheesy popcorn and a bunch of chocolate pudding...lol. And her hair still looks really cute. She was wearing her snow-white hair past her shoulders and resembled an electrified Q-tip. She hasn't remembered yet that the rollers are gone....when she does I would appreciate a prayer sent in my direction.
Had a little excitement here earlier.....I was about asleep and we heard a funny noise....my blind poodle was eating and her airway obstructed. Hubby got to her and did the Heimlich and got it cleared! I've done CPR on a dachshund that was overcome with smoke in a house fire, yes it lived for a while, but this was a first for any of our dogs.
Has anyone heard from johnny? Rather worried about him and Miss Betty. I hope things are okay and they are enjoying the weekend with their children.
Everyone else, please send a short post to let us know how you are doing......or do we need to put you in time out with ASG?
I'm making Target go with me when I go to fix dinner for the col in case she has remembered the rollers......just call me a chicken.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
emjo, you DO belong here.. I would think long distance care-giving has another whole kind of stress attached to it.... the not knowing from day to day, the trips you must have to make.... like Starri said, doesn't matter how we do the caregiving, it is stressful... so you keep coming here and sharing, we will relate to your feelings...we do tend to be a sensitive bunch here, thank God for friends....
I love the name Toonie, why did you name her that,,, what kind of cat is she...
YR, It's not been that long since your mom passed and crazy time or not, we still grieve it, plus your soul being exhausted on top of it all, so just know we are here for you when and if you get ready to talk about it..And yes the notes help us to not sound like the ones we care for... and no I can not change anyone, but I CAN change phone numbers and addresses.... if they can't find me, they can't bug me..
Debbie, why are you sick today????? But am happy to see you are back posting and seeing we love ya and care...
Jam, Let's see, maybe 5 kids out of school for the summer may be a good excuse for ASG, ya think???? The col will forget she ever had long hair, get her some of those old pink sponge rollers and let her go, you can always spray her hair and blow dry it, at least she isn't trying to climb the fence yet,,,, pick your battles.....Glad blind doggie is ok...I have a friend who could never remember "Heimlich" and called it "Herkermer", had to do that on my step daughter once.. that meat flew out and hit the wall, then we all got hysterical laughing from the fright of it all...I can still hear that meat hitting the wall...
And you are not a chicken, you are getting smarter... at least now when you turn around and walk out of the room she won't be alone......
Seeme, where are you?????
Yes, I am worried about Johnny too, hope everything is ok for him and his wife..
Ok, am going to do some cleaning, get it over with so I can enjoy the rest of the weekend...
Hugs across the miles to you all....
Debbie, love your bird but I do like watching birds. We had a mockingbird nest with four babies... The hawks ended up getting them even thoug my husband and I tried to keep a watch but the hawks got them all. We have a bluebird nesr that just hatched three babies the other day.. So much fun to watch.
Believe me I dont have a good attitude all the time. This morning the words just came. I pray everyone has a good nigt. Have to get dad ready for bed, then I will be right behind him.. Maybe get a few hours of good sleep before he starts calling. Thanks and thanks for this thread. Night all.
Vic... what a busy day you had! I realized that when one day is peaceful, it's busy enough. I mean, the days where you don't have anything to do, you have enough to do.
Seeme, any more news from the doctors?
'nite everybody
We both lay down to take a nap and of course that doesn't work, but I slept and answered her at the same time.........Just put her to bed and before she starts hollering, I am going to paint my toenails. The End
Emjo, Don't know why you would say you don't belong........course you do.......and did I read your mother is 99 ??? What a long life she has had. Imagine all the things she has lived through in the last century...............
JOHNNYCARES......where are you ?????
YR, are we gone yet? Can't remember....I just know I am not all here !! heeheehee
Starri, you are a real doll, just love you......wish I was there to listen to you and help you clean up.........I wouldn't throw anything away un less you told me to......and Jerry is being a poophead? I wouldn't have thought he had it in him...but what do I know......
Time to paint the nails..........later
Vic....let us know what you did with all the time off......I'm afraid I would just sleep mine away in a nice hotel room.........
Rosella, you are so right about the easy days being just what you have to do. I had such plans for the day when I got up and almost half of it got done. Talked to Kathy, my helper earlier and told her I am so glad tomorrow is Sunday and she will spend the night. If the lung doctor doesn't clear mom for surgery, I will just send her home with him and let her scream for him all night and I bet he changes his mind. HAHAHA I can see it now..........
Jamboree.....ooo I like that.......hide the rollers before you let col in the bathroom !!! When does she go to the dentist? Does Target write long distance prescriptions? I'd ask for a pain killer, but the pain I'm thinking of killing would put me in jail, so I'll settle for lortab to get rid of my tension headaches........
ah, well, I'm getting stupid, so I'll check in later.....
Hubby is cleaning his old new truck...won't see him till tomorrow sometime...
busted for pretending... sorry mama just won't stop with the hollering.. that would drive me nuts.... and sending her home with the Dr. is a great idea.... that reminds me of years ago, going to a Dr. for PMS, of course it was a man and he said there is no such thing, that let's ya'll know how long ago that was... So I told him I would go
home with him for a month or two and I'm sure he would change his mind.... he gave me Xanax, what a good Dr. he was.....!!!!! Do you have allergies like you mom???
Jam who got the last cow pattie??? You are falling down on the job girl, you need to get those damned hot roller out of YOUR hair and tend to bidnes !!!
Happy to hear everyone has a semi good day... if we didn't come on here and get silly we would loose our minds... love you all, hugs across the miles...
Heard mom holler something and she was awake saying she had to go grocery shopping......not looking good for the rest of the night. Got her to take some meds that may make her sleep for a while.....just her regular ones....no sleepy pills. I would love to take a xanax one time to get some sleep, but I am so susceptible to sleep for a week, I'm afraid to do it.
Oh, hubby get notifications about FB, so if you send something there, I will see it. I am too busy with this thread and the Kindle page and emails, that I don't go on FB much.....also too long-winded........
I've got the munchies, so I'll be back in a bit...hubby has come in for a breather.... may go say hi to him................