This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
YR, my mom hollers after she has slept some, but I can't tell if it comes from dreams or what. Usually she screams for dead people. Today she wanted to know who was still alive in her family cause everyone she wanted to talk to was dead. Or, she gets on a kick of repeating everything she hears. Can't tell you how many times I heard "not guilty" today.
Well, it is late for me on the East Coast, so I must say good night and sweet dreams..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Jam, thanks for the wishes for good luck. It's nice to have the casinos close, but not too close. Can become addicting! Happy to hear you are getting more help! It does make a difference.
Seeme, what can I say? Your Mom sounds like a terror! Have you tried redirecting her when she gets on a subject? I know with my mom, the dementia is fairly advanced, with hallucinations and much memory loss. We do not answer her questions with the truth if it will upset her. Instead we change the subject and move on, or just nod or agree with what she says. Makes it so much easier for her and us. I remember when my grandmother died at 93. She was still sharp as ever, but Mom's dad was not. We found out why she was always so exasperated with him. He had dementia. Of course that was over 20 years ago and when he would ask where is my wife, we would always tell him she had died. Little did we know, that we were going to make him grieve all over again every time we answered him truthfully. Mom is now like he was, only more advanced and redirecting her attention really does work.
Well, I actually got in my pool this evening, and it felt really good! Going to be hot all week, so looking forward to a few naps in the pool. Wish you could join me!
Ladee, okay.
Everyone, Hi.
"Tweet Tweet"
Bye. :)
Guess I should try and get some sleep, I have a hair appt in the morning....color and cut. We're in a thunderstorm watch right now and it looks like rain is unavoidable. The garden will be happy but I get so tired of wiping up little wet paw prints off the hardwood floors. And the col won't put her dog out without us making him go. Tonight he growled at me when I picked him up. He probably should be glad he still has stitches in his butt.....keeps me from putting a foot up there.
Hope everyone has a good night.....peaceful with good dreams.....
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
So happy to hear you are a few steps back from the black hole... we do spend a lot of time on the edge don't we.... and enjoy that pool. BG has one, but I do not want to listen to her, so I don't go over there.. Should have done ti while they were away this past weekend...just didn't think about it.. too damned hot to go outside....love ya and glad you got away for awhile...
Vic I admire your courage to face a difficult situation with 2 people to take care of. I have just one, I have 2 helps and I am getting crazy.
Seeme: we have to find a way to relax a little bit! Our mothers are very similar and we both know what we are talking about.
Yeahright, my mother has a total memory loss too; she doesn't remember anything of this house where she has been living for 2 years and a half. It's very painful to see her like this, and the sorrow I feel for her is part of my stress, too! You feel completely helpless...
Debbie: the 4th of July for me is the day my cousin got married! And it was a very hot day, No, really, I love the 4th of july, I always celebrated it with my American friends. Does your grandma complain all the time? My mother was like this, until some years ago. She reminded me of a character of David Copperfield, one lady who sat all day close to the fireplace saying "How unhappy I am. How a miserable woman I am...". I don't remember the name of the character, but it would have been a good nickname for my mother.
Starri, I had a funny experience wit a GPS the only time I used it. I had to go back from the beach, and the GPS didn't agree with me about the choice of the route; I kept taking different roads than the ones he suggested and I swear "he" was more and more pissed with me. His voice changed!
Stormy, you could say to your father that if he whistles to call you, you won't come. If you give him bad habits, it's going to be worse and worse!
'night everybody
I am sad for you having to watch your mom become someone you no longer know... I have not had that experience, so can only imagine how hard it must be...It was different with Ruth, I saw her change, but she was not my mom. I did not have all the memories of different times with her.. I had always know her with Alz...I am sad for the grief you are feeling. I have heard it said family members loose their loved one twice, once to Alz, then to death. That is double grief and hard to process...just know that I love you, appreciate you and I am here for you any time...
And also to let you know the "baby food" suggestion for the Diva is working... still giving her the other medicine, but at least she is eating now.. So you are very loved my across the sea friend.... let us know how things are going for you....hugs across the miles....Oh and the David Copperfield character is also Marie!!!!!
My cat Cocaine just eats "sheba patè". If I give him fish, chicken, whatever, he doesn't want it. He just eats "Sheba". I am seriously thinking of calling the Sheba company and say that he is perfect for shooting a commercial!!! At least they (my animals) could do something useful, work, and bring some money home!
Apart very few exceptions, getting old (very old, I mean), Alzheimer or not, is a painful experience! No wonder the people we are taking care of, drive us crazy. They have to fight against their limits, and they don't accept they are not capable of doing the things they did before. My father died at 70 because he refused to accept that after a heart attack he had to be more careful with his life. He pushed, pushed, pushed until the end! I didn't understand him when it happened; I think I understand him better now. So, when we are in a good mood, we understand these things and we feel compassion for them; when we are tired and tense, we would like to kill them! Today I am in one of these days "I am sorry for my mother", tonight probably I will feel the desire of smashing a pan on her head.
That's all for now. I a going to take my babies (dogs) for a walk! They will swim in the river.
And I think that is why Sonny picks up sticks and helps me do things around the house, it makes him feel useful, and keeps him on a schedule of not sleeping out of boredom.... and he could set outside and listen to the birds for hours, it really relaxes him..... hope Marie is feeling better today, will show her extra attention this morning.... I am so tired of TAKING CARE OF OTHERS, I want to just get in my car and drive until I run out of gas, oh well...
Ladee, tomorrow is the day we go to the lung doctor. There is still no date set for surgery because it hasn't been determined that she is a candidate for surgery. When she broke her hip and we found the breast cancer, there was no "determining if she can have surgery". They just did it. This fistula is just the same to us, except it costs more in supplies and antibiotics. Live and learn, I guess.
Dad had terrible nigt which means we didnt get much sleep and I figure the day is shot..
I am better about helping with others problems than my own...
Just needed to vent
Just a quick hello to everyone.....have a hair appt this morning...yippee for me!
Vic........take a deep breath.....take another one for good measure. Now keep breathing while I am gone....:)
Had to go take the bbq potato chips away from the col, change her undies and wash the dried poop off her butt....now gotta run to the salon.
Will finish this when I get back.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
BiG hugs too (((((((vic)))))))))) - those blankety blank sibs - it isn't right!!!
jam - have a great break at the hairdressers - look beautiful!
ASG - u are soooo patient - and manage sooooo much -
ros - u have been on my mind so much since you posted about your heart - if u have been checked out physically it could well be grief - adjusting to ur mum going downhill - grief is very physical and can feel lead a lead weight on ur chest, difficulty breathing, fatigue and what u are doing to relieve stress is great. Sometimes a good cry help and u feel better after
ladee - WOW! way to go - u are a good example - I am impressed with how u dealt with Marie - WELL DONE!
debbiecakes - hi to u and lulu - glad u love ur job - sounds like a good thing in ur life
deefer hi - u have some good understandings
seeme - i am still clearing mothers things out of my house nearly 2 yrs later (packed up her apartment when she moved and brought it up here to sort - couldn't stay down there to do it). - not an easy job
YR - your patience is inspiring
stormy ((((((((hugs)))))))) tough place to be - hope u find some resources to help - I agree with the others about the whistle - aaaargh!
((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to anyone and everyone else
on my front, my mum has been transferred to a hospital with rehab and I am waiting to hear how it is going - i am assuming that no news is good news - she is p*ssed at me for not going along with a crazy scheme she had so I heard about it third hand - what's new - I am looking for someone else to take POA as with her BPD as she plays too many games with me - the POA is just in case, as she is still quite capable of looking after her own affairs. I think someone out of the family would be better - any advice welcome
have a good day ♥♥♥
Just installed the locked key holder on the front door of the col's house, so we won't have keys out there everywhere. Of course, the col starts questioning me on what the code is.....uh, sorry you don't get the code, this was done for a reason. Wouldn't matter anyway since she would never be on the other side when the keys are there. But then she decided to try and talk me into taking her shopping at a mall. She does well to walk across the floor from her kitchen to her couch....she could never make it through a parking lot and mall. And she confessed to being outside this morning pulling weeds.....I reminded her AGAIN that she is not to do that. I saw that she is scratching her legs again, so I guess after supper tonight it will be more Benedryl....seems to work for her. The itching stops, and she takes a nap.
Will check back later with everyone..........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Hi christie and welcome to the family! Friends who have never been care givers have absolutely no clue whatsoever that title entails. And until they do it, they still won't get it even if you explain it over and over. You have friends who help a little bit? Good for you and bless those friends. Are they good enough friends that sometimes they might be persuaded to help a little longer to allow you some time out? Or maybe you could trade something with them. For instance cook dinner for them one night and in exchange they sit with Dad while you go out. True friends are going to understand that things are tight financially for you. If they don't, then they are not friends, only acquaintances. Siblings? ehhhh.....they're not as great as some think they are. You will find in reading a lot of posts here, that the sibling support system is not very strong. Some are selfish, some can't handle the responsibility, some see what happens mentally and physically and refuse to subject themselves. Then there are those of us who are doing the job and ask at least once a week.....ARE WE NUTS???????? But we keep plodding along knowing that we aren't going to get our reward here........we depend on each other to be a cheering section when we get down in the dumps.
I love and appreciate each and every one of you and worry when you're going through an especially rough time. That's what family does.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Everyone (including new people), I am just very thankful for you all, I just can't answer all the posts so just know that I am thinking of all of you and you are all in my prayers and I am very hot and sweating because the oven is on...just know that, oh and Lulu also loves you...know that too...oh and don't forget about Jesus he loves you too! :)
Seeme I will pray for your mom extra tonight because I know what cancer is like, and that goes for anyone who is caring for someone with cancer or if you have it yourself.
I came home from work to a nagging Grama, and she just wouldn't stop so I calmly said " Grama is it going to be like this all night? Do I need to leave for awhile"? and she stopped, heh. Woohooooooo!
Lulu is currently eating a sunflower seed, but she sends her love. "Tweet tweet".
Now I must go check on dinner.
Vic: My honest advice is to stop hoping that your brother will help you. Many of us have abandoned that hope.
Christie: yes our social life is gone. I know very well the problem and I know very well the problem of having little money, too. Try to find some free time for yourself, though, try to take a few days of vacation... Even if it means to eat bread and onion for one week in order to pay for an extra help.
Emjo: Yes you are perfectly right. The heart suffers physically when it suffers emotionally. ((((you are sweet))))
Essie: my goodness how many people you had to take care of. You are an heroine.
Indyrose: thanks for the tip about babyfood, but we were talking about cats who don't have appetite because they are not well! Of course it is a measure we adopt just once in a while!
'Night everybody
Ladeeda, I sure could use Sonny to pick up sticks, we had a massive storm last night and the trees dropped sticks everywhere! Pictures on fox news.
Christieoby, your life sounds so much like mine and others on here. I have a cg who comes in so I can go to work and I come home immediately after work . No social life, I gave that up 4 yrs ago. My husband and I go places separately. My daughter has her learners permit (help) so one or the other of us takes her driving. This life is hard on a marriage and teenager.
Essie, you are a dear soul to have cared for so many.
Rossell, right on to letting go of how it SHOULD be and accepting it the way it IS.
Wishful thinking should have no place in this caregivers life.
I used to get so stinking mad because my bro. wouldn't help out but I took the above advise and it sure helps keep the stress level down. That's not to say that I don't get pissed anymore but I just don't get that way all the time, like before.
I used to be like a volcano ready to blow.
My bro. wouldn't even come over for a few hrs so that hubby and I could go out and have dinner for out anniversary. He doesn't work, has no kids and my sil works all the time and is hardly ever home. But H E double hocky stick no, he can't put himself just a little.
But I must shut my mouth because he did agree to come over for 3 nights next week so hubby and I and teenager can go to the beach. He will come late and leave when the cg gets here a 7am. I'm just wondering if he will call me the night before and say he can't come. (he's done that before}
Emjo, you are so right about the stress and sickness. WOW, it sure can mess us up if we're not careful.
I do have to say though that since my mother is gone, the stress level here is down by 80 %. Actually cg someone with Alzheimer's is a snap compared to cg someone who is mentally unhinged. I sure do sympathize with all of you who still have to deal with that.
Well, I need to go do stuff so here's hoping we all have a blessed, peaceful night.
And that's not wishful thinking either!!!!!!!!!
YR - i find it interesting that you say looking after an Alz sufferer is a snap compared with looking after someone who is unhinged - believe me anyone with BPD narcissism etc are unhinged - in my mother's case she is also very intelligent which may make it harder. With counseling i have been realizing i have been caregiving my mum and my dad when he was alive, off and on most of my life, including breaking up fights between them before i was a teen, Yes, stress takes it's toll on us physically. Thank Goodness, I knew it was them and not me, (mum - BPD, dad - alcoholic) even at an early age.
God bless you all! You are an amazing group of people.♥
Vic - I am sorry about your brother, but I don't think it will change, and forget the sil altogether. I talked and cried with my favorite sister last night, she is so worried that I am over my head and can no longer take care of my mom. She is worried about my BP and nerves and that I seem angry. I was before I came here, but not so much now. I screwed up mom's medicine and was beating myself up over it, and it was from fatigue. In all her talking, she never mentioned once about coming here and relieving me. she was here in early May for Mother's Day with her daughter and baby grandson for a week, so I guess she has done her "duty" this year. Another sister always has so much going on she just can't get away or she brings grandchildren that have issues, like they need to go to the beach, and I sit and wait for them to get here. I figure they have been here, know what the score is, and if they just want to breeze in and out, so be it. Whatever. Last time I told the second sister she had to stay at a motel. Piss on her.
Christie....Dinner? Beach trip? Movies? What are those things. I know the words, but I don't know what they mean anymore. Right with you, girl. !! And I've gained 35 lbs., mainly due to coke. Need the caffiene, never drank coffee. If I could, I would just run around with a coke IV. No matter how much I drink, I always fall asleep easily.
ASG.....why is they never see their own messes and complain about everyone else's? Same thing here.
emjo...I am POA and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have discussed money with one sister, but since mom lives with me, that is the way it is. If anyone else doesn't like it, they can take mom, but they won't I also handle all finances. I have my own code of ethics, I guess you could say, having been a bookkeeper for years. She doesn't have enough money for me to steal and I don't "charge" her for anything. I can't offer any advice to you on the issue.
essie...You need to stay here and learn what the caregivers here have to offer you in the light of experience and craziness. We may get stupid, but laughter is the best medicine. We are not all happy all the time, but there are funny sides to this job that are laughable, and maybe a little gross.
Indy...I am keeping your blender idea in the back of my mind. Mom has trouble swallowing from a stroke, and has a hard time eating meat when she needs the protien, so I will file it. Thanks for the info.
Yea, Debbie....that is the way to handle grama !! Good gorl ! Now if only Lulu could remind grama during the day. Wish that little cutie could talk. What's for dinner? I had leftover pizza......
Hope Ladee had a good day with Marie. She's probably killed Marie with kindness. She may have checked in already since this has taken so long to do with interruptions. And mom said I was so damn mean cause I yelled at her to stand up. She scared the _______ out of me. Hard to hold her up , wipe her butt, pull up diaper and pants, and get her to the bed, when she is like a wet noodle, and she's pissed at me !!!!
Kathy comes tonight, so that means I get 2 nights sleep in a row. I still don't feel refreshed. Probably have sleep apnea myself. Oh, well...............
Ok, I wrote to everyone, got almost finished, for some reason I hit submit, everything went dark, lost everything and never finished the other one...
So tomorrow I will have a whole brain cell and will try to say hi to everyone....
Yes, very patient with Ms. Grumpy Guss today, other than keeping me calm, didn't phase her one bit....Her daughter and I had a few minutes to chat today and she just said what I have observed, Marie just sets and complains about not feeling good, so will adjust my self to her situation and still have fun with Sonny... if she is going to be angry no matter what, might as well enjoy my time with one of the sweetest little guys I have ever met... She will be gone all day tomorrow, to get her blood transfusion, so Sonny will be my shadow...... At least it will be pleasant and I won't feel like one of those pac man characters are chomping at my butt!!! And Ya'll know I am going to find humor in this,, God help me to not bust out laughing when she is upset about something.. I won't be laughing at her, just the nonsense that goes thru my own mind.... will try to get to everyone in the morning... love ya'll and hugs across the miles...
Ladee - enjoy the peace tomorrow!
if it helps anyone - as it did help me - I used to (and not so long ago) stick my tongue out at my mother behind her back when she was ranting. Didn't do anything for her but it relieved my tension a bit!
let's all do one collective raspberry - ready, set, goooooooo!!!!
hugs and love ♥
Ladee! *cute little hearts*...I'm glad there will not be a pac man chomping at your butt tomorrow! Truly...very...glad. :) Have fun with Sonny!
Everyone! "Tweet tweet" :)