This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Oh and Jam thanks for the thoughts of rain, maybe it will get here one day...
Yes, Ladee, I got rain lst night and I must say we needed it, too. We are in a severe drought, but we got 2 in at least. Maybe it will put out the fires and we won't have to smell smoke. Yesterday the air alert was code red. You are on the list for rain also.
Kathy had a good night, and when I get finished with this, I must start getting ready for the dr appt. We won't have any answers yet except whether or not she's passed the breathing test......maybe. Then I guess we just wait for the surgeon to call us or make another appt.
Yes, I am so very glad we have each other, too. I do miss Starri, but we have so many like emjo and vic who stick around and listen to us. YR and Debbie, Rosella and her cats, and Lulu. I wish others would take advantage of this thread so they could get some relief and understanding, also. Essie, soverytired, alwaystired. We could be their safe haven and their family.
Guess it will be late before anyone hears from me again. Kathy is wanting to go through mom's cloets again, they are so stuffed, we need to get some things out that she won't be wearing for a while and pack them upstairs before the house leans toward that side. If I put them upstairs, I can even out the weight distribution !!
Everyone have a good day............later
I pray for each and everyone of you! This thread has been the best! Thanks Jam for starting. It is such a safe place to come where everyone understands, gives cheers, hopes, and advice. Thank you! Pray you all have the best day possible.
Vic....you're welcome....and this thread belongs to all of us. Don't you feel a little better when you can let go, even if it's just for a minute? I know there have been times when I have ranted and raved and written a book here, and by the time I'm through and reread before I hit the submit button, I erase a lot of what I had previously written because it didn't seem that important anymore. And I feel better.
christie........what's their (co-workers) excuse? Lack of knowledge. Until they have walked in your shoes they have no idea what it takes each and every day to take care of a loved one. And there is nothing worse than someone telling us it's no different than taking care of a child. HAH and double HAH! Children are able to learn and when you set limitations, they know if they go beyond those, there will be consequences. An elderly person with dementia is unable to learn, the brain is dying and cannot absorb any information that lasts, so when you say "you cannot go outside or walk to the store" that thought is gone within a few minutes and it's like you never opened your mouth. The col would get it into her head that she needed to get the mail....we are rural and live on a very busy 2-lane highway and you have to put yourself in a vulnerable place to open the mailbox. Then she started going after her dog when he went outside to potty, even though we had told her over and over that he will come back, and she was walking to our pond, which is about a 20' drop off the edge. So we installed a chain link fence and put a key only deadbolt on her front door. Now she can walk the backyard all she wants, the gates are locked with a padlock, but she can't get out the front door and become a grease spot on the highway. Just saying that might have to be something to consider if you are afraid Dad is going to wander away. And just smile at your co-workers and thank them for their "helpful" advice......maybe you could ask them how they would handle one of their children if they wandered away and they didn't know where they were? Get them on your side and perhaps next time they will be more understanding. I know you would rather throw a stapler at them, and that WOULD be more fun, but then you would have to be put in time out......:)
The col has an eye appt today.....and it's funny she keeps badgering me about the dentist....yes that's next. Six months ago she adamantly refused the dentist. She thinks they will be able to just veneer her front teeth. Don't think so.
Guess I can be lazy for a little longer, care giver should be here any minute.....I wish I had been able to do this a long time ago.
I'm wishing a beautiful day for everyone with a little bit of peace thrown in for good measure.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Going to try and get caught up a little.....have spent time most of the morning learning how the front patio is going to be repaired from the mess the original person did.
I sure hope you can get all your medications straightened out John. It's frustrating when it seems like no one is conferring with each other on what is being prescribed. The Physician's Desk Reference publishes a drug interaction book and it is so nice to be able to look at it when new meds are prescribed.
Debbie.....has Grama gotten over being mad? Anymore when the col starts yammering on something I just look "through" her. It's a lot better than letting her push my buttons, and when it's all said and done, I'm the only one still mad and hurt.....her memory has allowed her to forget and go on to something else entirely.
Today is eye appt day for the col. I wonder how hard she will argue when they tell her she needs glasses. She still denies that she reads the paper with a magnifying glass....:) she says "I just look at the pictures"....LOL.
Hope everyone else is having a super day.......check in and say hello so we know you're still out there.....thinking of all of you today!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Long day.. had a great talk with Marie and Sonny's daughter this evening... she asked me how things were going, I told her Marie will not let me do anything for her, she said be more assertive, it's a game she is playing... alrighty then.. the daughter looked so frazzled today when she came to pick up Marie, I had to give her a hug... Marie was moaning and groaning so I look at "L" ( the daughter) and she just rolled her eyes.. so the dynamics are starting to unfold... Just will be happy to get my check tomorrow and call it a week.
Vic, thanks for all the uplifting things you say... you are appreciated here...and I am sorry your brother is a butthead... you'll figure something out.... and be able to take pride in the fact you didn't have to ask him again.. good luck...
Jam, sorry that Heather might not work out... but sounds like you have planned ahead,,, How can an eye Dr. tell with an Alz./dementia patient if they need glasses or not?? I am being serious I am interested...what technique do they use..???
John, I have heard that what you have is so hard to get the meds straight and to keep you level... I pray you get some good answers today and start to feel better.. happy to see you here again..
Seeme, what did the Dr. say??? Can she have the surgery, and if not, what are they planning to do???? Did hubby still take off and help you today???
I will check back later, gonna take a shower and get comfortable... love you all and hugs across the miles.....
Now all there is left to do is get my son in head start and get my daughter school clothes and shoes at least better sandals since we live out here in rural Az. I miss socializing with people so mainly use the internet. I am lil calmer today than I have been so I believe God is working a miracle for my family. I found out my sister has to get her gall bladder removed which prolly already happen here soon after giving birth to her 4th child. I give hubby condensed version of how I love him etc ...he laughs he thinks its cute bit rude but just a riot with him.
I guess you can say today that I am loving my life lil bit more.. so peace n god bless to all...if you want to get to know me better can call or text me 520-308-9969. I am grateful for ur patience and support...to make friends across the miles everyone stay safe and blessed.
John - let us know what happens - sure hope there is a relatively easy solution
seeme - we got rain too! good luck with moving clothes and "straightening ur house out
vic - some sibs are better at a great distance - I have one and she is like that - no help at all - better to accept it and move on - praying that u and dh get a break together
cobi - hi - sounds like some locks are in order - those "well meaning people: pffffft!
jam - hope the eye apptmt went well - wonder how they know?
ladee - be MORE assertive - think u can do that lol - as far as tongue sticking out and raspberries - we all like to think of ourselves as so mature and coping so well - and for the most part we are and do, but the child still lives inside, and ya know what? they are still part of us and help to make life a little more fun and a little more bearable - think that's why I loved having kids - got down on the floor and played with them - quote from a psychotherapist service - "The Inner Child refers to that part of each of us which is ultimately alive, energetic, creative and fulfilled;" yeah, I think so. Sticking my tongue out made me feel more alive...
burned - hi u do sound like things are going better for you - God is still in the miracle business - so glad
here having a lovely day - my man breezed in from the horses late last night and we are having a quiet day sorting out some stuff. He lit a fire in the fireplace to burn old papers, it rained and I am as relaxed as can be and my cough is better. Been checking out personal trainers. Then I realized that this hiatus will not last for ever. Mother will be released from hospital in a week or so... and then who knows, but guaranteed it will not be good or easy. Oh well, life goes on.
Love and blessings to all ♥♥♥
And oh yes, I can be more assertive, have no problem with that at all, keeping my mouth SHUT is my full time job... !!!!
cobi, don't ya just hate it when people have all those well meaning things to say, I have learned to say, " thanks, but no thanks, for that unsolicited advice." Or when someone gushes over the fact my profession is caregiveing of Alz. patients...Oh what an awesome calling, Oh you must have the patience of a saint, Oh how do you do that, isn't it hard... hell, some days breathing in and breathing out is hard, my job has nothing to do with it... but I just smile, and say nothing....they would never understand, so I don't bother...
burned, you sound so much better, am very happy for you!!! and as emjo said, God is still in the miracle business...
My leg is swollen and hurts this evening, going to go prop it up and chill for a little while...hugs across the miles....
I did not get any relief today. The doctor said I was back to feeling tired like in January because I still weigh too much and have gained 5 lbs back from last month. I'm 5ft 7in and weigh 255. Since February, I have come down from almost 280, but he wants me @ 135, but my primary physician would be happy when I get to 180. I met with a dietitian recently who agreed that 135 was unrealistic, even if I were completely sedentary. She thought 180 is a more realistic goal as well. BTW, I've been carrying this extra weight around for about the last 9 years. Nine years ago, I weighed 226 when I did power lifting contests and Tae Kwon Do. All of that has gone by the way side over the years.
The col's eye appt went very well......but even when we were picking out frames she still insisted she can read her newspaper without a problem....:) She must have bifocals. Oh boy is that going to be fun helping her learn how to use them. I keep telling her how surprised she will be when she discovers there is a bright world out there. We took her to Wal-Mart vision center....walked in the door and the first thing out of her mouth was "oh good we're going shoppy-shoppy". Got a little nasty when I told her we were not. Stopped to eat before heading home and she wanted a Reuben and when waitress came to take the order all she could say was a hamburger....I ordered her the Reuben and as she was eating it she couldn't tell us what it was. But she argued all through her meal that she didn't need anyone to watch her during the day, and besides no one does anything, she does it all. Oh please. Target has no patience with her at all. Her memory is pretty much nonexistent now. But that is probably going to be easier to deal with.
seeme....I imagine you are very tired....will be waiting impatiently to hear how mom's test went.
ladee.....hope Marie was not too grouchy when she got home.....that's got to be so tiring for her. But I'm glad she has you to take care of her.
Col is wandering around outside.....better go see.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Well for those of you having a good day, hallelujah; and for those of you not having a good day I send prayers and hugs to you.
I am tired and my neck is sooooooooooooo sore. I have been working my butt off at work trying to get ready for my vacation next week. I am not looking forward to coming back to work after a week off. Oh Lord, my desk will be piled sky high!
I found out today that my dads regular caregiver will be staying with him until my brother comes over at 8pm so that makes me feel better. I am more relaxed if he has someone who is familiar with him and also I don't like having so many different people in my house when I'm not here. Ya know.
My Pipper kitty is sitting here looking at me. She nudges my arm with her cold, wet nose so that I will pet her. And of course I do.
Ummmm, I have a pot of lentils simmering on the stove and they sure do smell good. Come on over for dinner. We're having sourdough bread to.
Gotta go, dads getting restless. Hugs to you all, your the best!
YR, are you staying home for your vacation or are you getting to go somewhere??? I think that is my problem, I need to see new scenery for a few days.... and happy to hear your brother is helping out... My Diva says to tell Pipper Hi, but from a distance!!! The Diva has major personality disorder,,, hugs to everyone, and Seeme, like Jam, am waiting to hear how things went today... We all need to know you see a light at the end of the tunnel... hugs to everyone again..
It was a long day today but the net result is this. She has 34 % lung capacity of a normal person. So that places her moderately-high to high risk level to not recover from the anesthesia. He is not saying whether or not she should have it, just that she is a high risk paatient. She also had a chest x-ray and aterial blood gas check. All results will be sent to the surgeon and we probably won't hear anything from her till next week.
Just before we checked in at the pulmonary office, mom had to go to the bathroom. What a mess !!! I was praying the whole time that she would have a better outcome, cause something HAS to be done. Neither one of us can keep going on like this.
Burned......you do sound so much better !! I hope yu come back soon and give us even better news. As far as the kids not listening, I hope you have watched Supernanny at times. That works every time. My mom NEVER said anything she didn't mean, and she always followed through with it. If it was 9am and she said we were going to get a whipping when dad came home, there was nothing we could do the rest of the day to erase that whipping. We were 6 kids just 6 years apart oldest to youngest. If we were grounded, we were GROUNDED. There were consequences for our behavior. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. There were two words that would get us slapped immediately....NO and WHY....and that woman was 5 ft 2 in and 105 lbs and could put the fear of God in you.
Jam, you know you will have to keep up with the glasses...try to make her wear them all the time, then she's not as likely to lose them. Hubby lost a $400 pr by not wearing them all the time. Now he gets them from Walmart.....in the Health and Beauty section !!! hahaha
emjo.....in case I haven't said this before, you are just a little cutie on here.!!! I love to see your name on a post. It just makes me happy......
YR.......ask a little earlier about coming ove to eat.....why keep asking just when I have finished ?? lol I think I know the answer to that.............
Well, I am pooped, so I am turning in....
Good luck with the meds, John............catch you all tomorrow.......zzzzzzzzzzz
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I sometimes feel like I don't belong here because taking care of my folks has been a walk in the park compared to most of you! The "heated arguments" are usually between my Mom and Dad or my Dad and husband -- and are almost always about dirty laundry (or such smelly things...)
Dad doesn't quite "get it" that Mom is reduced in function. Today he was berating her for not putting her soiled pads in the trash... Dad, she doesn't remember where they are supposed to go when she takes them off.. "But the trash is Right Here!!!" He just can 't see that the Alz has robbed her of seeing things like that. It's the same when she puts away clean clothes in their drawers -- every which way -- or takes FOREVER to get dressed in the morning... Patience, Dad, patience!
My son (19) asked me to PLEASE clean the bathroom he shares with them. "Why can't YOU clean it for your grandparents??" -- "If I try, I'll puke!" Well, it wasn't THAT bad, but it did need it. Grandpa misses frequently, and had done so more than usual...
My brother's coming over tomorrow for the weekend, so we can get away to (my husband's) family reunion. No hassles when I asked him to stay, but I did write a three page instruction sheet, and told him to brush up on the Heimlich maneuver.
We all had dinner at my in-laws house tonight -- the "healthy" ones... MIL cooked lasagna dinner, and grape pie dessert. FIL talked of his latest trail ride -- he goes on the major bike trails throughout OH, MI, IN, and IL...They'll be leaving early tomorrow to help set up the hotel for the rest of the extended family.
This is why I'm not too sure I really belong to this forum. I know it could very suddenly get worse, but right now -- "The Caregiver -- how do YOU feel?" -- I'm doing pretty good, actually..