This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
(((((((debbiecakes - sweetheart)))))))) - sharing our dirty secrets is what it is all about - say to yourself first thing in the morning and more than once a day "I am worthy!" .You must have been very hurt some years ago. If you feel yourself falling into depression there are good antid's out there though finding the right one for you may take a little time. We here love you! Glad you feel safe enough to share - no one here will judge you - we all carry burdens and no one is perfect. more ((((((hugs))))) and love you ♥♥♥ and an extra one ♥
jam - Happy Day!!! - hope you have a special one and target does well by you (((((hugs))))
asg - that is so tough - balancing your aunt's needs and your children's - you need the wisdom of Solomon when two women came before him to resolve a quarrel over which was the true mother of a baby. When Solomon suggests dividing the living child in two with a sword, the true mother is revealed to him as she is willing to give up her child rather than see the baby killed. Solomon then declares the woman who shows compassion to be the true mother, and gives the baby to her. ((((hugs))) and prayers for wisdom.
seeme - how did the chiro go? - i'll keep doing it the best i can but some of the stories will have to go out by email , just can't them post publicly - maybe I can set up a private blog - has anyone done that? I'm thinking of changing my profile pic just to be safe - lol - don't want anyone recognizing themselves in my stories or me
ladee u r right a new hairdo makes you feel better no matter what u r doing
starri - glad to hear he has some redeeming qualities - I was going to call it Sexy at Seventy lol
stormy (((((((hugs))))) with the feelings you are describing (and not surprising you have them) I think your husband is right - you don't have to. Apparently your sister can do it easier than you.. Can you talk openly with her and discuss options? If it were me I would rather work and earn money to pay someone else to do it. cmagnum has said several times - guilt is not love. In my view you need to care for you and your family - your son first. Can arrangements could be made for someone to come in and help, or for your dad to be in a facility where there are staff to look after him. Others here have more experience with the options and I am sure will share. (((((((((hugs)))))) don't feel bad about yourself - a person can only do what they can do - see if you can shed the guilt. You have already gone the extra mile or two - don't compare yourself to your sister - you are 2 different people - heck if i compared myself to my sister I would be a saint and i am not that lol
wishing everyone a good day - still coughing and guts acting up - you wouldn't think a few spoonfuls of unsweetened apple sauce would do that - I know it is the candida - feeds on sugar - so take an immodium, and a decongestant, and brave going out - hate having to rely on drugs but glad they are available - but you all know all about that
love and hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I researched nursing homes here and found here (Alberta Canada) they are gov't subsidized when necessary. It relieved my mind that they are there if needed. They may not meet mother's standards of "the best" but if her money runs out I cannot support her to stay where she is at over $3000/month and then more for extra help.
You are not the problem. As I see it, your sister is a big part of the problem by not agreeing to have help brought it. I am with you in that she should have agreed to bring in help months ago. It is not your dad's illness alone that has tarnished your relationship. Your sister too, is making choices that are affecting your relationship. How does that kind of lack of caring for your feelings make you feel - like a piece of worthless cr*p - or at least it would me. That his need for care, and her need to look after him counts, but that your needs don't count!!!! No way, Jose'!!! That is not healthy. If I were in your shoes I would say that I cannot come back (for your health and your family's health though you do not have to justify your decisions to your sister or have her approval), but what I can do is help bring in someone to care for dad. If you feel you can do some care or no care - only you can say - but stick to your guns. Her response to that is her problem - not yours - just draw your boundaries and stay firm. My mother would take over my life to care for her while others can do it with much less stress. My sister doesn't like it - tough - let her be in charge then. She does nothing, but expects me to do it. Either way a sister's expectations do not have to govern you. In my case I help, but cannot do that much for various reasons.
I hear some anger coming out from you and that is good. Vent away here - it will help the depression. If the root cause is dealt with you may not need the pills though I would stay on them for now. In the bible your husband comes after God, then your children. Mother loves to quote "Honour thy father and thy mother" but she forgets about "Do not provoke your children" and Love your neighbour as yourself. Hope i have not come on too strong for any one here, but I do feel very deeply about this issue. For those who are able to look after their seniors, you have my greatest respect. I think you are amazing.
Big hugs again, love and prayers for all ♥♥♥ joan
Flava, doesn't forgiveness lighten the load so we can be our best self.... You are amazing and we hope you continue to post with us..... We need teachers about forgiveness, I think you have things we need to hear...
Stormy, I wish there was a magic wand to remove caregiver guilt, but I am going to say that you have paid your dues.... knowing your limitations is the first step, and sometimes when we just keep pushing, a Higher Power will give us things to MAKE us slow down.. I am not saying God is responsible for your depression and anxiety, I am saying He allowed it to get to this point so you will stand up for yourself, and say, I can't right now, I don't want to, I don't have to.. stick around we'll help you if we can...
ASG, You are MOM of the YEAR as far as I am concerned... using this situation with the aunt to teach your kids kindness and understanding... sorry little man got a smakin', but the next time she said she wanted to "get out of there" then hand her some information about Assisted Living and Nursing Homes in your area, and walk out.... Am so proud of you for not walking on eggshells anymore for that ungrateful ole hussy, I don't care if she is sick... your babies live there too....
Jam, please tell me Target is at least going to take you out to eat this evening!!!! If not, he damned well better have something special surprise for you... tell him he does not want ALL of us mad at him....
Seeme, you can't be supportive when your bucket is way past empty... we just expect you to take care of yourself, and not a thing more.... any news about the surgery??? Is she going to be able to have it?? and if not, what is your plan B???
Debbie, I have an idea, let us love you until you love yourself....... I had some people 25+ years ago that did that for me,,, now I have that to offer you... you know what to do to keep from cutting yourself,, act on that... love ya..
emjo, all your "late nights" are catching up with you!!!!! Take care of yourself, and we appreciate your passion for what you believe in... One of the things I appreciate about this thread, is we get to say how we FEEL and how we THINK without judgement....... We are all teaching other, and who could ask for more than that....
John, am so happy to hear your good news about the insurance... a big load off.. and am very proud that you are eating better and getting out and taking the dog for a walk...... we honor your achievements....
More later, need to run some errands... hugs across the miles...
And yes, life is too short. we need to tell those we love, that we love them, and we need to get people out of our lives that are toxic to our sanity.... I have told people before that I could love them from a distance... I do not have to have them in my personal space.... love ya lady and keep letting us know how things are for you... we are all here for each other for all sorts of reasons... hugs across the miles to you..
Debbie....I will pray for grampa and please let us know how you are doing with all this. I guess he has nurses coming in checking on him?? Please tell me you are not handling him alone........ If you can say you have cut yourself in the past, then let it be in the past. I just want to put you in my pocket next to my heart and love you........and there is now shame in taking meds, only help until the worst passes.....
I have an opportunity to take a nap and I am taking it.........
I kind-of wish the TV had broken -- it would have given us an excuse for shopping for a new flat screen, and maybe get one for ourselves even!
My son helped Grandma and Grandpa up and out to the kitchen (he was calling them for lunch). No one hurt, thank God!, but more excitement than what usually goes on in a day.
On top of that, I got a job!! I was laid off July 1st, and will start on Monday!! (Dad said he wishes it had been my husband, who teaches part time, and is home most of the time. -- And who rankles Dad about eating healthy foods...) Both of us were looking for full time, to keep things going, but only one of us "needs" a job at a time. Sometimes, if we both have contracts at the same time, we can afford to hire someone to come in while we're gone. Anyway, I'm glad it was me! I could develop pretty bad habits if I didn't go to work each morning...
I really feel for those of you with big problems on your hands. Falling TVs don't quite match 2-day temper tantrums or other problems I haven't faced yet. My sister is nursing a second husband through terminal illness, and reminds me (frequently) of "how easy I have it." It could change very suddenly....
And yes there are different degrees of caregiving, but NONE of it is easy.... so, sorry you sister is "comparing" the two.. I know she must be devastated by her husbands illness, but none of it is easy.... and you are right, it can change very suddenly.....hugs to you and thanks for sharing something light hearted, I really needed that this evening...
I have been trying to keep up. Days here have been up and down. Stress and soo tired. Frustration, frustration. Oh well. God bless.
Each of us are doing the best we can! Remember to look in the mirror and say to yourself you are worthy!
I did a lot of errands today for me and Kathy while she sat here with mom. The chiro couldn't do as much as we both would have liked.....I was too tense......ya think?....anyway I will go back Friday. Kathy cleaned down the hall and mom's bathroom.....she left the dirt in the sink from cleaning the vent/fan and it was disgusting.....so were the fan blades in mom's living room.....oh, well, she saw how it was with mom calling me every 10 min yesterday.
We haven't heard from the surgeon yet.....the lung dr is on vacation this week, and I don't know when that will get faxed to the surgeon. MIL called tonight to tell me about her case of anxiety that gave her a rash and when she explained what did it, I couldn't help thinking what a waste of energy for that piddling crap. Let me tell you what I am dealing with.....if you've ever seen a chicken with its head cut off, that would be my MIL in action.....you may think I'm kidding, but I'm not.....I helped clean 22 chickens when I was young.
Indy.....I could see that happening in this house, cept I don't have a TV that big......and if mom lost her balance, the walker was never enough to keep her up.
emjo....I will send you prayers, hugs, and angels on the anniversary.....Is that Gordy's picture?? What a hunk, whoever .......
Stormy and flava......please hang around and visit more often. We will tweet to Lulu and chase rabbits with sticks, but for the most part we are harmless.
Jam...let's hear some details so we can see how far Target is down that hole we are burying him in.....
Starri.....Glenn apologizing gives him only one atta boy......
Ladeeda Chaquita and the BananaBoat.....off to see the caregivers.........I saw the whole state of Texas is declared a disaster area because of the drought. Even if you get a tropical storm, it would probably flash flood everywhere cause it can't soak in fast enough. What a mess.....is Nobs losing weight?
John.....glad to see you got good news....something worked out for a change !!!!yyyyaaaaaahhhhhhh
Got to get this hair off me from my haircut.....at least the gray roots are covered now..........then to bed.....later....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I was in the livingroom getting my coffee and reading the paper, when I hear him call that MOM was down and couldn't get up. When I opened their bedroom door, it looked like a murder scene -- blood EVERYWHERE! Mom was down on the floor trying to "clean up" where he didn't make it to the bathroom, and she couldn't get back up. I turned around and called 911 immediately, then got Mom up. Mom was too befuddled to have known what to do, but Dad should have known better!! (The clean up was monumental; Mom could have never done it -- thank goodness for a protective sheets, or it would have meant a new mattress.)
"Why didn't you call me??? I was right in the livingroom!!! We were both in bed all night!! That's what we're here for!!!" "--We didn't want to bother you..."
I was afraid the paramedics would think I was neglecting him on purpose. He spent 3 days in the hospital and took 3 units of blood. ARRRRGGG....
There have been other incidences like that -- where Dad has tried for a while unsuccessfully to get Mom up after a fall before coming out to ask for help.
So, while some of you have demanding people to watch, I have the other end of the spectrum!! They don't call when they need something.
Yeahright: I'm very happy for your vacation. Please post photos on Facebook
Ladee: please post photos of new home on facebook, too.
Starry: I coulnd't afford, economically, a husband who wastes 200 dollars worth of meat! I would just cry!
Emjo: so the boy of the picture is your boy. He is beautiful and seems very nice. One of my mother's brothers died under the bombs during the war. He was 21 and his survived siblings always told us he was the kindest, happiest, liveliest, wisest of them all. I really think that when a person dies so young, it is because he has learned from life everything he had to learn, so "they" just call him in Heaven. In other words the best ones go away soon! It's very good for them but not for us who stay on Earth and miss them. (((((((tons of hugs))))))
Seeme: I know it is a banal question, but have you seen another doctor for your mom's operation?
Jam; happy birthday and please take some photos of the turkeys and the wildlife.
Flava, yes I admire your forgiveness. I don't know if I would have done the same. I am in the same prison where you are!
Indy, my mother is like your parents, she never asks for help so she puts herself in a lot of trouble. We have to watch her all the time; sometimes she makes a mess when I am in the bathroom! I have to stop to go to the bathroom.
Storm, forgive me, your sister seems to me as selfish as my brother. They leave on our shoulders all the heavy work, and they do something just when we launch a serious SOS. I am glad you sent that SOS. I think that she can take care of your dad for a period, when you have a rest. And then, if your father is rich, he can hire a help. Please don't arrive to this level of stress anymore. No one of our parents likes the idea of a caregiver, but they have to accept it! You have to think of your life and your child.
Speaking about children, I am not a mother but I love children and I took care of my younger cousins before, and of my nephews next. ASG, I think, this is just my opinion, that your boys are far too young to understand "really" that your aunt is ill; they just now that their life is more difficult now, and of course they have a resentment toward her. THEY ARE RIGHT. Can't you find a way to keep your aunt far from them most of the day, so they can live a normal life? Sorry if I am so blunt, but really, probably because I don't have children of my own, I worry about children of other people!
Debbie I am sorry for what you said ,and I still think this situation is too heavy for you to handle by yourself! You have the right to live your life.
That's all, I post before I lose it again!
Damn it Ro, I know there was important stuff in that first post you lost, I hate to do that, get it all out there then just poof it's gone... happy to hear you are not working too hard, did your pay come thru so you can go swimming??? To hell with the bills, just make sure you get to go for a swim so you don't kill someone...
Only in Texas... I had gone out to smoke and I see one of Lee Co.'s finest walking thru the yard.. his car was parked outside the gate, you have to know the combination to get in that way.. The front yard is a half acre long, so I get my phone and call Mike and let him know the "SHURRIF" is here.. I go back out and wave to him... there is lattice work where I was , so he couldn't see me real well.. in a flat instant he was shining his light on me and had his hand on his gun... now ya'll know me, the first thing I wanted to do was laugh!!!! I unlatch the little door and he's standing there all suspicious and asking me if ----------- is here.. no, but Mike is on his way, who are you, who is mike, blah blah, dude was firing questions at me, and again I wanted to laugh...and I'm thinking, duh, if I was a fugitive think I would flag you down and then open the gate for you.... UH, maybe you need to think about that one.. any way, he was looking for BG's niece....He finally started to relax a little after talking to Mike, but I am setting there thinking other than not having on a bra, which COULD have caused him to taze me, I really am not that dangerous looking am I ?? So at least I was not hauled off to jail for laughing...
Learned yesterday that Marie needs more attention than she is letting on... She started PT yesterday, and after the girl left she was saying that was just too much... I just stood there and looked at her... finally she asked what is it, and I went on to tell her how much better she was going to feel, that yes it's hard, but giving up is even harder, fighting for something keeps us moving forward.... and all the other things I say in a situation like that... she finally perked up a little... Sonny has been very restless with the full moon... I have been trying to keep him busy, he was helping me dry dishes and out of the blue he says "I'm not much use am I?" Ya'll know how i feel about Sonny so I started telling him all sorts of things he is good at... then I said well let's go tell Marie what you said... and she gets the most amazing look of love on her face and starts telling him all the things he does to help her.. and that she trusted him to help her.. you should have seen the transformation in Sonny.... and in her.. He needed to feel some worth and she needed to get out of herself.... so we ended up laughing the rest of the day... about all sorts of silly things... made my day go a lot faster too, so it was win-win for all of us...
Now for my little banana house.... I finally told my nephew to drop everything and we would resume next week on getting things done...I have been accepted on the little piece of property that I picked out... but will have to run a sewer line, ect... It was turning into a clusterf**k so I said forget it for a few days, I am getting over whelmed by all the details and all it is is talk, my biggest problem, as I see it, is getting it moved..... but NOOOOOOOO, and of course my son is nowhere to be seen if there is something to be done for me... God I will be glad when a MOM he likes shows up...
Also talked to BG and sil last night about how stressed I am about getting out of here.. they both told me they know I am working as fast as I can under the circumstances and have given me until Aug to get out... that has taken a huge load off my shoulders.... I am sure I will "pay" somehow for that extended kindness but will worry about that later.. like Scarlet, I'll worry about that tomorrow...
So, I finally got off the merry go round I put myself on, and now maybe I can get more accomplished....
Love to everyone.... hugs across the miles...
Happy belated Birthday Jam.. I started counting backwards several years ago on my birthday, so I think I am about 12 now..lol.. guess I ought to start heading back the other way,
today is a day off for me, nothing going on but what I want to go on, generally doctors appointments run in cycles, mess of them for a couple of weeks, then things will settle down for a month or so and it starts up again. With Mom gone now, there isn't quite as many, even with all I have going on, I don't see my doctor more than once every 3 months or so..
Thinking that today, I'll drag all of the stuff out of the camper, and start trying to figure out what I can stock in there for food stuff's, clothing, etc.. Told Glenn that we need to get all the laundry done up, and the jeans and stuff we are planning on taking with us, put in the camper, as here in SC temp's are high and we live in shorts and tank tops.. he has to clean out the bags on the bike, see what the heck he has in there, so that all of his riding gear can be stored in there. The spyder I believe has more storage on it than what our house has. after figuring out the camper and the bike, then I believe we need to put the bike on the trailer hooked up to the truck/camper and then see what room we have for additional storage. need places to put a tool box, a place to put a spare tire for the trailer ( I refuse to be one of those people who have to leave their trailer and whatever it's hauling on the side of the road because of a flat.), we're talking about getting a generator for the trailer, as that will allow us to park in more places, and me still be able to use my cpap and we'll have lights and a/c if we need.
I'll keep you ladies posted as to what we are up too, I do have a face book page, but haven't figured out how to post pictures, hubby knows how, so I will get him to do it for me, carmen johnson is the full name, guess that is how you might be able to find it..lol, I don't use it that much so really don't know how to use it. if you find me, add me as a friend so I will know how to find you..
Anyway, time to finish the email and the second cup of coffee.. consider getting hubbys butt out of bed, so that we can do something prior to it getting too hot to be outside, the DH wonders why he almost passes out after being out there in the middle of the day. like "duh" 105 degree's, heat index of 115 and he wonders..
Have a wonderful day everyone..big hugs.
Thank you starri for birthday wishes! It was just another day.....I've been 29 so long that if this is what it feels like I'm really ready to age...lol
I stock up on things at home also.....have for years, guess that came from first husband being unemployed a lot. When we remodeled last year I had the guys build cabinets in my laundry room for all the overflow and it's worked out great.
Don't forget to put together a first aid kit for the camper! And extra batteries of all sizes. And any prescription refills you might need while you are gone. I bet we could all come up with a list of things for you!
Must get myself moving.....today is grocery day and take the col to get her glasses, oh I love driving back and forth to town.....NOT! 15 miles one way and do that a couple of times the scenery gets boring real fast.
Had a thunderstorm move through here last night, it's only 73 degrees right now, with humidity of 89 percent...and a high of only 88....cold wave!
I hope each one of you can have something good happen today in your life...thinking of you all!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Thanks for the comments about my Gordie - he was a hunk (the one who looked like me lol) and he didn't know it, which added to his charm. We would walk into restaurants and the other kids would elbow him and say Gord - that girl is looking at you. Nah was his answer. His smile was awesome. I miss him coming down in the mornings in his pj bottoms and singing in the hall. (He had my fathers voice - the only one of us who got it). He would get a coffee, cuddle the cat and sit and read over his coffee. Missing him big time and will be for the next few weeks especially, He was a good person and loved reaching out to street people. He had his street side too mind you - he was no saint. At his memorial service here (we had the funeral in the city he died, where the two grandmas could attend) the church was packed with young people we had never seen. The pastor said it was the largest group of young people he has ever preached to. I will never forget the hospital where he lay for a couple of days - two grandmas - one on each side holding his hands. My mother small, norwegian, upright, uptight on one side and his other grandma - large, north american indian, good sense of humour (we are still friends) on the other side. The nurses said he must be special to have so many people here. His friends came from north, south east and west. He was a well loved person and we all miss his special role in the family. Gord was the one who got us all together for birthdays etc. "Mum! it's ---- birthday next week." "Ok Gord - organize it." and he did. He would go out in the spring and mow the lawn without being asked because it needed to be done. He took me on holiday one summer -which I badly needed. What 21 yr old boy would do that! I miss him so much and sharing my stories of him helps so the next while that may be my topic, The poem I wrote after he died ( he was wrestling with some of the demons many wrestle with) "No more sorrow, no more pain, Safe in heaven till i see you again," I know where he is and that I will see him again - it is just hard in the meanwhile.
((((((hugs))))) everyone and have a good day♥ joan