This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Your fish aquarium sounds wonderful, I love to watch the fish swim but I don't like to clean them so that's a no go for me.
Stormy I hope you and red are feelin better today.
Emjo, I'm glad your getting a room. Crawling in and out of tents is no fun.
Seeme, Ladeeda,Ross and everyone else, I hope your all doing good today.
It is stinking hot here to. Thank God for ac's.
Well, dad is quiet for now, I just keep handing him coffee and cookies and that keeps him happy. Last night was better.
My son and I went to look at the banana boat to see what all would be needed to get it on the road and to the trailer park.... Doesn't look like it is going to cost a fortune, so maybe I will be settled in the nest few weeks... but GOD it is hot.. took him to ER a few weeks ago for seizures because he was dehydrated, so didn't want to stay out there long.... And from what I understand it is hot everywhere but at emjo's....
Emjo, glad you are going to get a real get away, some shopping and a nice bed to sleep in.. Your hubby is a sweetie for listening to you...
Stormy, hope you and the baby are feeling better today, and very glad to hear ya'll have someone coming in now for your dad so you don't have to make yourself crazy anymore....
YR, glad your dad is not sundowning as bad... just never know what is going to happen when they are like that.... and you are right,, thank God for AC's...
I know I am forgetting someone,,, but am so tired from work and the heat, I just can't think this evening...
Jam, good thing the col was in a friendly mood last night.... it could have gotten weird...
Seeme, hope I can stay up to hear how your mom is and what they plan on doing... there just has to be something,, she just can not go on like this,, or you either....
I will try to check back in later, but no promises.... Hope it doesn't take a hurricane to get all of us a break, I still have lots of friends down home and do not want any harm to come to them just so we can get rain.....
hugs across the miles...later, maybe...
It is 100 in this house and the only A/C in here is in my room. G-Pa doesn't turn on the A/C in the TV room where he sits all day and all night, because his sinuses might run. (get a tissue would be my response) He does NOT believe people can die in this weather. He keeps telling me he is fine, he's comfortable. Well I who am afflicted with Chiari I am not fine. I can't handle humid hot weather, I can't breathe, my face is constantly flushed, and I rarely sweat. (am I rambling yet?)
I am a reluctand caregiver, and most days I am not glad to be here. I want my house back, I want my life and independence back. And right now I just want to have a pity party. This is the 5th day in a row with a migraine and occular migraines. I need a nap and it's only 8:00, maybe i need to go to bed real early.
Well, I have to go iron in the basement now, and check to be sure my bunny is still alive. Sorry to have been such a drag. :-P but you asked.
Cara
Cara.....is there anyway someone else, a family member or friend, or a hired care giver could come in and give you a break? Have you given some thought to moving G-Pa to an assisted living facility? That might be better than finding him melted into a little puddle in the chair. And that might help your migraines...assistance that is, not a G-Pa puddle. I sympathize with you.....I have migraines also. You just feel free to come here and ramble all you want anytime. How's the bunny?
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Love and Hugz,
Jam
it can't all go his way.
I know all about that - have a narcissistic Border Line Personality mother of 99 who is a drama queen and thinks she is the center of the universe, and has an indecent amount of energy -
That you have moved in with grandpa unfortunately could give him the upper hand - it is his house (I checked ur profile ;)) - HOWEVER - If he wants you there to help him, you have to have some conditions met.
I would sit down with hubby and figure out what you need to do - such as - 1) move back to your house and invite grandpa to move in with you (give this a great deal of thought as it does not work well for everyone as you can read here) or 2) move back to your home and consider arranging for some kind of some assistance for grampa - like home care 3) look around for assisted living facilities for grampa and have THE talk and once he is settled in one move back to your own home 4) stay there but outline the conditions under which you will stay
or variations on the above
It sounds to me that you are really pining for your home and old life - totally understandable, Building a new life under the conditions you have now is not inviting to say the least. Where does hubby stand on all; this. Is he happy there?
Please make some changes to help you - you deserve a life too.
Living with migraines in that heat must be h*ll. You iron??? ah well the basement is cool.
jam - letter to the editor - great!! let 'em have it!! - do u get a butt ring sitting on the can and watching the fish? I think i would - i am getting this image... love the catfish
Yr - didn't mind the crawling as much as the crawling with a full bladder - y'a know - u wake up with the urge, don't want to get up in the cold, then have to hegotiate the tent flap and the rubber boots and the slope the tent is on - i am sure i looked like a drunken sailor lurching around in the dark some times - heck next time I may bring a pot and use it in the tent lol - Gary can put up with it - coffee and cookies - the caffeine doesn't keep him awake??? - yeah easy solution - let us know how the diet is going
ladee - sorry marie is so terrible and sonny was down - and you are so tired - does she like music? glad that the banana boat will be anchored soon - Gary is such a reasonable guy over most things - digs his toes in over a few but don't we all. If I say I need to talk, his answer is a quick "I'm listening" - gotta love him for that - hey it took me a long time and marrying the same mistake twice to find him
seeme - BORE US WITH DETAILS!!! - woman - we NEED details!!! she won't have it??? oh dear - not that I am not sympathetic to her concerns about pain etc but - how r u feeling about it now???
more attempted manipulations from mother after a couple of quiet days - as she is not quite as bright (though still very sharp-) than she was before, the manipulation is a little more obvious and it makes me sad. I realise now that many times when i have responded to what I thought was a "real" need was, in fact, a control thing. Not that there haven't been real needs at times but always so cloaked in the need to have it all her way, control others and have servants. - the BPD and narcissism. I know she didn't ask for that burden, nor did I ask for a mother with it. Keeping my distance - going to have a holiday - maintaining my sanity and my life. On a happy note my 8 yr old dgd (dear granddaughter) connected with me on messenger this afternoon and we will go out for lunch again sometime. Maybe after we will go shopping for trinkets, make up etc. Girls day out!!! She is lovely and we share a like for dressing up! She already compliments me on my nail polish, earrings or skirt.etc
ya know ladee - hugging a donkey might just be very therapeutic - will they let u? - at least they don't spit like llamas ;)
love and hugs to all ♥♥♥ Joan
I have the best caregiver that comes in for 4 hours her name is Ebony and she is just like one of the family. No I cant say that about her. She is not crazy and disfunctional like the family. we have a house on the beach at Oak Island NC. Right on the beach, 3 bedrooms 2 baths. very nice. I havent been since july of last year. well i told the kids (two sons) and their wives and kids (3 grandkids) to go for a week. FREE .They are fussing about what week and who will go and who will not and why they cant go because this one doesnt like this about this one and on and on.
I told them to make good of it this will be the last time they will go unless they pay.!!!
Oak Island Accomodations handles it for us. we are about 41/2 to 5 hours away.
I am so fed up with my spoiled rotten kids. Have no problems with the daughter n laws they are wonderful could not ask for better and so are the grandkids but those two boys i could just ring their necks. they do not like each other at all. I finally got mad and said Please cant you all get along just long enough for your dad to die in peace???? I know that was bad but a person can only take so much.
well i have rambled enough but have lots more to say if anyone has time to listen I will tell the REST OF THE STORY!!!!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
54 - glad u have a good caregiver and dil's ... but your sons - like jam said - let them fight it out - but leave u and hubby alone. I know what u mean about not knowing what you even want to do - I retired a year ago and a lot of space stared me n the face - you will sort it out eventually. u have a story - we LOVE stories - please tell us ur story - we have time and we love to listen
jam I can still see you on the can counting fish or is my imagination too wild???
♥ J
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) you have a lot on your plate! ♥♥♥ Joan
Oh well I really am gone this time in mind and body. Later Ladies, too bad we dont live closer I would say lets all go to the beach and leave the whole darn family at home!!! night
54 - we have fanatsized about a beach party of something and everyone telling their stories - I can't believe those boys of yours - get one of those long plastic foam of thingys and beat them till they leave - Gary uses them on the horses - and sex - well u can live without it but with it is definitely better - life does change doesn't it? it took me over till i was 70 years old to find a good man - if that can happen there is hope for anyone for anything - ♥ J
nite all
The blind doggie decided it was potty time at 6:30, so here I sit with coffee cup in hand.
Hi mslisa.....good to see you back here. Yes, everyone of us has something in our lives that is out of sync. Someday, before I hope we're too old to get it all back together, we can start to enjoy everyday life again. In-laws? What can I say....some of us are stuck taking care of them.....:)
54.........whiffle bats work real well too.....they won't leave bruises because it sounds like there a couple of sons who have really hard heads. Have you locked the back door yet? Guess you could use your very serious "mommy voice" and sit them down and explain to them that this is not "their time", it's all about Dad right now, and if they want to argue with each other they need to take it elsewhere as it will not be tolerated in your home. Period.
emjo...........no, not a single butt-ring watching the fish. I have a futon-like couch that I can sit on. There is a big bay window and I sometimes will go there and open the blinds and sit and read......it's relaxing to listen to the water cycling through, we have a tank filter so there isn't the racket of a regular filter. A couple of years ago I planted 200 daffodil bulbs right outside the window, so in the Spring there is this beautiful burst of yellow....there is a ring of tulips around those, so I get to enjoy the flowers for a little while.
Today is supposed to be 101 degrees with a heat index of 111, tomorrow hotter and Target wants to take his mother to Red Lobster for lunch. Maybe he's hoping she will melt into the pavement or could it be that HE IS JUST NOT PAYING ATTENTION!!!!!!! Spends all of her time in air conditioning, I really hate to take her out in this heat for any length of time.
I was telling Target last night that I used to look forward to weekends....now I dread them since care givers won't be here. Terrible isn't it? I'm getting way too spoiled.
Time to take a shower and finish coffee and find something to do in the cool today. I need to finish the upholstery on some chairs so that may be the plan. And a nap later of course....:)
Hope a good day is in store for everyone........
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
budget constraints at the moment I believe are making me the most crazy, sent hubby back home yesterday as I had left my cpap home, gave him a list of stuff to pick up from the house, and a few things from the store, mind you this bike has more storage space than my house, "he could not get everything in there" BS, the idiot went riding and knew he had better get his butt back here, So I rode with him to the store, picked up enough stuff to last us the 4 days we have left here.. and then before we do hit the road, I'll have the camper stocked with at least two weeks worth of things, along with having things packed right.. I've been bouncing between there is no way I can stay in this tight of a area for months without killing him, to I can pull this off...lol
So my friends, will keep you posted as to how we are doing, where we are at, and before the law comes to get me, I'll let you know if I am going to the spa for a while..lol... hope all have been doing well.. Big hugs
I will try to answer a few questions and then I will get back to supporting ohters and not be so selfish with your time. I really don't mind if mom doesn't have the surgery. It IS sometimes better the devil you know. And since the drainage has let up some, it is not as bad. And like I said last night, if something were to happen because of surgery I wanted, I couldn't live with it. Her attitude would have a lot to do with her recovery. Like when she broke her hip, she was determined to walk again and she did. We haven't told the doctor yet, cause they will call after the next dr appt with the pulmonologist. And I told her she will always wear the pull ups and pads. She has a couple hundred pair of panties to get rid of now. And NO, I am not exaggerating. Mom is one who doesn't like to see disfigurations. My sister had to have the first finger of her right hand amputated at the joint at the base of her nail. Somehow she had a tumor that ate through the bone, and her nail would bend at the bottom. Mom can hardly look at her hand. And sister also had a mastectomy at 35 and mom never wanted to see what it looked like. Now mom has had a mastectomy and that is all she looks at when she is undressed. The thought of her having an ostomy bag probably gags her. It is her body, so ok. I will continue to do the best I can.
Cara, I sometimes put mom outside so she is warm and I stay in the cool house. My thermostat is set on 80 which is ok as I have 10 ft ceilings and fans on in every room that has one, except mom's bedroom. Mom constantly complains she is cold, but she doesn't MOVE, so I bought her an electric throw at Bed, Bath, and Beyond for $40-$50 and she is thrilled with it. Had to get a second one for her bedroom. Money well spent considering bond to get out of jail would surely have been more.......and the trial would have cost the county a lot of money........
Gotta go do grown-up things.......sucks.....and kill hubby since he tracked in mud all over the carpet and rug Kathy just cleaned yesterday...........may let her do it and save the bond money for mom.......................
Emjo. I hope you are feeling better too. It sucks being sick.
Jam - girl you are so crazy you keep me laughing about the (100 oz of water). I want you to know I only drink that much water when I go on that crazy diet. I can't drink that much water all the time. If I did I'd have to carry a potty chair around with me. And you do pee alot on that diet.
Cara welcome to our crazy bunch of friends let me just say I feel your pain! I know what you mean about the AC deal. My dad would ask me on the 100 degree days is the air on? And I would be like I hope the hell it is. And he would be like turn it off. And I would be like. Oh Sh#$! I'm going to melt in this house. It didn't take many days of this before Stormy goes to the store and buys 4 fans for the kitchen. And that is where my a#$ stayed. I had them all blowing on me. He would not tell me to turn the air off on the 80 deg. days just the 100 deg. days. Go figure.
54 Get a switch after them boys and tell them to quit worrying the S$#@ out of you.
Well I hope everyone else is doing ok talk to ya'll later. Love and hugs. Stormy
Ladee, I am tickled to hear about the docking for the banana boat...will be good for you to have a permanent home for it. Jam, did the col melt? it's been hot enough up here for it, and you would think that the mountains would be cooler..
Seeme, I would save the money for smokes, bribe the guards into putting me in to solitary.. I need the vacation. Wonder how many years you could get for bribery? lol..
Stormy, don't ask about turning the a/c on, just do it, odds are he probably would not notice anyway...
temp's have dropped here some, our local "chatty cathy" has found someone else to talk too, I have to feel sorry for her, she's out here with a bad back, hubby is home in florida having to work, so she has no one to keep her company, and I can't be rude and tell her to go away, I need peace and quiet.
Hubby is being better, I think he knows he is pushing his luck...lol.. well, starting to get hungry again, so better go eat, I've lost my ability to tell when a low is coming on, I hate it when it bottoms out on me, screws me up for the whole day.. Ya'll take care, now that I have caught up, maybe I can keep up..
Good grief it's hot!!!!!!!!!! It's only been 104 today, supposed to be hotter tomorrow. But it's cool inside, thanks to the repair job.
The dreaded weekend is here....the col's care giver and I spoke this morning and apparently the col is still stuck in San Fransisco......that's where she was born and raised and lived in that area until she was married in 1945. She has been wanting to go to Fisherman's Wharf and she said the other night she knew it was too late to go....we asked her if she realized how far away it was and she said yes but "let's go". Today her care giver said she has fought a nap all day, she will normally snooze in the afternoon and she kept jumping off the couch like she had been hit with a cattle prod to grab imaginary things off the floor. Oh please, don't let her have another manic attack. I think I'm going to take her meds to her a little early tonight and let her get sleepy by the Depakote. I fed her dinner and then checked on her and she was in the bathroom brushing her teeth and seemed to be okay. About 30 minutes after Heather left today, the col called on the intercom and said she was going through her purse and she can't find her car keys, her front door keys or her commerce credit card. I asked her what made her think to check for things now and she said "well I might need them to do things"....of course she couldn't tell me what things, so I explained again why she doesn't have any of them and she simply said okay and dropped it. Which is unusual for her. I am so thankful these girls are here now...they have helped so much. The col is always clean and well-groomed, her house is clean and on Friday Heather changes the bed linens, washes and dries everything, puts it all away and they have just made life better for all of us.And she even checks the col to make sure she doesn't show any signs of a rash from wearing diapers.
stormy.....I don't think I could drink 100 oz of water in a week if I tried. I am usually carrying around a bottle of diet raspberry iced tea during the day, after coffee of course, then I have to have my rum and coke in the evening.
Everyone must be busy tonight......check in when you can.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
seeme, I completely understand going along with your moms wishes.... And she has already had so many surgeries, and like you said... if her mind is not in the right place with it, she may not come out of it ok..... just happy to hear things have slowed down some for you... Is the house sparkly??? did Kathy kick Hubby's butt for walking on the clean floor.... he better watch out...
54 hope your boys have settled down and you get some peace.... maybe they needed to see that side of MOM to go somewhere else with their silliness...Let us know how hubby is doing...
Jam, did the col get to go to lunch??? It is way too hot outside today..
Stormy, glad to hear little man is feeling better, but sorry to hear about your back.. I think most of us have back problems... my back was hurting this evening too...
Starri, Apparently "chatty cathy" has not looked into your eyes and seeing they do not match the smile on your face..... why do we end up 'babysitting" no matter where we go... we must have that, I don't have a life look on our faces, so come on over and let me take CARE of you...lol
emjo, how are you this evening??? Vic, everyone else,,, hope you check in and let us know how you are...
I have been forgetting to tell ya'll about the suicidal birds!!! At least twice a week a bird hits the windows in the back of the house and kill themselves.... could it be the "vibes" they are getting from INSIDE the house..... I haven't told ya'll, but I am "allowed" to eat lunch with them, but I have to bring my own food...If I want anything to drink, I have to bring it also.... I am a CAREGIVER not a housekeeper, I am bored out of my mind some days....Sonny and I got out early and did our "yard work". Filled the bird bath, he is dragging the hose and I have it pinched off so he doesn't drown us both, I stop to pull some weeds out of a flower bed, un pinch the hose and he soaks us both... felt GOOD to me, and Sonny laughed like a little boy.. but martyr Marie almost had a seizure when she saw us.... most animated I have ever seen her... we must try that again someday... Sonny and I always have fun.. worked his little skinny butt this morning, so he was not pacing the house, looking out all the windows and trying to help me cook......Just glad today is Fri. Have a lot to do tomorrow so need to get settled and go at it again tomorrow... I am so looking forward to having all this behind me... hugs to everyone...
Going to get the col to bed and then get lazy....................
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam