This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Marie, for as tired as she was today, was really in a good mood... early this morning I told her how much I respected her for keeping on, still putting one foot in front of the other because I know how tired she is.... And BOOM, she was a different lady all day... guess it never occurred to me to validate how hard things are for her, and yet she still goes thru all the transfusions and all the mess associated with it. But Sonny was out of it again today... so don't know if he is down sliding into another phase, or doesn't' feel good and just can't tell us... Just one big roller coaster ride being there....but was happy to see her more involved and laughing some today...
emjo on her way to the mountains, lucky lady...
shawna, sounds like you are having a rough time, try to get some rest and take care of yourself...
And starri, guess if we wait for others to tell us thanks, we'll just be left waiting.... sorry your sib is being a turd, but if he is drinking again, that isn't helping his state of mind.... When will you get to leave for your camping trip????
I'll think I am camping if the banana split ever gets moved and set up.... From the huge house to a cracker box, I'll have some adjusting to do.... as long as the AC works, I'll make do...
And I'm with Starri, where is everyone???? I am lonesome for my friends,, let us know how things are, how you are, how they are, how we are, how it could be and how it is.... hugs across the miles to everyone.....
Starri, I amso glad you are getting away for a while. I do envy you that. It would be nice to just go where you want to. My "vacationa" were always spent going to onw family or the other. Only once did we go to the mountains of NC and go mining for saphires. That was fun and the real thing--not seeded buckets. I'm sorry Jerry is being a butt. Now he's beginning to sound like my brother Jerry.
Shawna, Our weather will be back in the 100's by the weekend. Can't say anyone's allergies are any worse than before.....maybe everything has died and tobacco picking hasn't really started yet, but it is easier on everyone than cotton or soy beans.
Kathy worked my butt off yesterday again AND I had homework last night. I could hardly walk again last night. But then....I went out to pick some itty bitty tomatoes out of the garden and got bit twice, almost in the same spot, on my right toe by a fire ant. Itched at first and I scratched, but now it is sore, slightly swollen, and has the pus pockets. Then Kathy and I both went up into the attic to find a 4th shadow box that I could fill easily, and hubby changed the lighting setup without telling me. The attic space connects to the house after you go up 3 steps, and while I was looking for a light switch, I missed a step coming down and twisted my left ankle. I honestly thought I may have broken a small bone at the time, but not now. Thank goodness I had already made an appt to the chiro today. I told him my back was too sore to sweep or vaccuum and I couldn't even limp properly. He liked that. lol Yesterday we cleaned all the stuff I have on top of my kitchen cabinets. Yuck !! Today we rearranged some cabinets so I could get all the medicine hidden, finished cleaning all the walls and center island. A couple more drawers and 3 window, floor, and that will be finished. We have pantry, small bathroom and laundry room, master bedroom to go....maybe 4 more days. Now maybe the furniture won't get so dusty so fast. Kathy found a bunch of pictures she wants to hang.....whatever.
Ladee, I CANNOT BELIEVE you have no A/C !!! Does he think he can sell a house without it?? Are they NUTS??? Of COURSE they are!!! That's what you've been saying all along !!! How is Diva doing? That just pisses me off !!!!
Sounds like mom ans a UTI. Stopped by the dr's officve and picked up a couple of speciman cups and will try to get a sample tomorrow. She was just sitting in her chair in the kitchen and started hollering she had tried to walk and fell !! HELP !! Mom, I said, open your eyes !! Damn !!
Ladee, fill the tub with cold water. FILL IT!! Your new pool !!
Will check back in a little while........later....................
I would be so afraid to come to your house right now, OMG, I would spill something or leave a foot print somewhere, I'll wait for another year to come visit... I have been missing you.. sorry to hear mama may have another UTI, those are so hard on our elders....and the craziness is hard on the caregiver... hope the chiro helps you so you can finish being Kathy's slave ....
Yep, many are getting some real vacations, guess we'll just have to wait... My friend in Colorado said she was going to retire to Texas with me, I told her not to sell her house, we would need a place to stay in the summer... she would die here, no way could she handle this heat....
Stormy hope you and little man are feeling better, waiting to hear about Dad...
Hope I can stay awake.... love and hugs.
I'm still drinking coke, so I guess I'll read for a time and see what happens. I still have homework to do from Kathy, so I only have till she shows up tomorrow night. This experience makes me want to be a minimalist.
I'll check in later..................
I have been doing not much of anything today except trying to stay cool. It has been miserably hot. Here it is almost 10 pm and it's still 90 degrees. I walked outside about 5 pm to pick all the ripe tomatoes I could find before the heat got to them and the col wanted to sit on her patio. And talk about when Target would be going back to work, because hasn't he just been on vacation? Oh my. Then I told her I would bring her dinner in about 10 minutes. And there she is sitting on the couch inhaling a salad and didn't remember at all that dinner was on it's way.
Got interrupted to put the col to bed. She wanted to take her purse to bed with her...it's got her id in it. So, are we planning to prove who we are to someone tonight? Got a little nasty when I made her wash her whole hands instead of just her fingertips....after all, it's only her fingertips that ever get dirty.
Guess I am going to kick back and lurk for a while.............Hope y'all have a good night.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Jh? is Mom filing for her VA disability? if so has she had her C-N-P yet? I hope she gets it, how long have you been fighting for it? it was 2 years for hubby, and 2 years for Jerry, hubby remembered to say thank you, I had to stay on his butt about things both for VA and for SSD.. What irks me so about Jerry is the fact that 1: Glenn had to nag him about doing it in the first place, 2: Take him over to the local VA Rep's to get the ball rolling, 3: I have had to haul his butt 3 hours down and 3 hours back to the nearest VA Hospital plus add in the wait time for doctors for 2 frigging years and I paid for gas and meals for most of those. 4: I've been the one that has had to answer all the questions about his condition(s) They normally will not allow another person to go into the C-N-P, his TBI doctor had me come in with him, and then asked me to "help him" out when he could not get Jerry to answer questions cause he could not remember answers. He got his disability based on TBI, caused by the concussion received during a auto accident and that concussion would not have been in their minds had I not shoved the paperwork showing it in the face of the head of Rehab. She kept saying contusions and I kept saying concussion, hell yeah he had contusions, he face planted into a windshield.. but his egg got scrambled along with it.. get the ov - glove, get two of them..lol..
Seeme, this is a once in a life time opportunity for me and I am taking it, Hubby is 63 and I am 52, both of us falling apart, so we'd better get while the getting is good...lol... here I live under 2 hours from NC and never been up there panning.. might have to do that on my way out of town. Who is this Kathy? God bless her for helping you clean, but she should not be working you like a slave..lol..
hey Stormy, good to see you too, that sucks about dad, I hope they can do something.. Mom had small cell cancer, went from the lungs to the liver.. Hope that little one finally went to sleep..and that you got a restful night as well.
YR, hope you get some rest, what has the mind in a mush?
Cm, has your son been excepted to a school? I would take that letter and show it to the deans at the school he wanted to go too and let them know what you know, maybe they can change something. As for her, I'd report the whole school to the school board and maybe the state too. Sometimes coming in like a bull in a china shop does no good and other times it does, hard to tell which one of those times it is, if you can prove that she has lied with paper to prove it, I would be for doing that..
Ok, think that I have covered everyone that has posted..lol, where are the rest of you?
Get you some powder for the other problem.. works wonders.. with the humidity levels around here, I might as well stay in the shower.. I'm glad about the a/c, it does make sleeping better, our a/c in the bedroom keeps it nice and chilly, the past couple of days though the one in the living-room just can't keep up.. Doesn't help that the trailer is about as air tight as a colander..
Today, since I am in a holding pattern for doing stuff till I retrieve Jerr from the hospital, I think I am going to go turn on the a/c in the camper and start getting stuff out of there and seeing better what I have for storage room and making a list of what I believe we need, I'd like to have at least two weeks worth of shelf stable stuff in there for meals. and then I can add meats and fresh veggies every few days. We need more assorted things for the camper, like towels, TP, another pan and skillet.. thinking about getting a electric one, use to cook in one all the time when we only had a propane stove and no money to get propane.. Well, ya'll be good and I pray your charges are today..
Ladee, so funny. My little sister just told me she was so hot in Illinois that she had to change her underwear 3 times one day. So now we tell each other how hot it is by saying, "It's a 3 or 4 underwear day". Been meaning to tell you that for a few days now and kept forgetting. So compliment Marie a few times and the day goes by better??? Sounds like a plan to me. Guess we all need a little stroking now and then, right? Not just the Diva. Let's face it, that's what we get here.
Jam, Thank goodness only Wednesday. I'm sure the weekends loom over your head now, but ain't it nice to have help during the week when you can get more done for yourself. It is such a treat for me to get my hair done or go to the chiro on Tuesdays. My week now revolves around Tuesday.
Must try to get a sample from mom today. Doesn't that sound like fun? Yesterday I tried to get her to pee standing up, then I told her to squat, she needed me to hold the cup from behind, then she sat down.....yeah.....my hand is still holding the cup from behind.....what a Kodak moment that was !!!
Cmagnum, do you live in NC?? Just wondered since you mention UNC.
Have to start my day.......oh, well...............later..........
So sorry to hear that you have had to deal with an idiot counselor John. She may be protected by the principal, but that principal has to answer to the School Board. Have you thought about taking your complaint to them? Your son did get accepted so that is a relief.....some times it's not what you know, but who you know. Maybe all the parents that have had their children's academics damaged by this counselor should get together and go to the Board, so she won't have the opportunity to do further damage.
Target has breakfast ready......I knew he was good for something.....:) Will check back later, I hope everyone has a great day!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Surgeon decided that he didn't have the experience required to handle this, so he's sending her to another surgeon. This one is in Charlotte. It took a week and a half to get an appointment with him for two weeks from now.
Home health comes out once a week to assess the wound, but all that means is that I have two people to fetch and carry for.
And because I've moved things that were probably too heavy for me to move alone, I've got hip and back pain. Of course, I'm not the one with medical insurance so I put heat on it and do the best I can. I'm hurting right now.
Someday, maybe someone will understand that what we do as caregivers is priceless and actually saves the government more than it would cost them to help us with health care. I figure that if I can't get it now, if Medicare is still there in thirteen years, Medicare will be paying a whole lot more then. That is, if I make it that long. Sometimes I wonder.
Know what I mean when I say my frustration level has grown? She's able-bodied and being rewarded for being a slacker. And no, she doesn't have any children, thank you.
Yes, sosad, it's hard to find common ground with other care givers because if you aren't "there" then you really don't understand what we go through daily. And others don't want to hear about food messes, poopy hands, wet diapers, dementia-related conversations. Does your mom live with you or alone? Are you financially responsible or is she? I have 2 care givers here 6 hours a day, 5 days a week and they are paid by my mil. She just realized that last week and then she asked for several days to make sure I was taking the money out of her bank account. Don't worry, I sure am....:)
Maya....I hope things turn out okay for your mom. With Home Health coming why are you fetching and carrying for 2 people? Do you mean you are waiting on the Home Health worker? Screw that! Go sit and put your feet up while they are there. And yes, insurance is a joke. When my husband and I were both working we had insurance through our employers; then I was injured and went on disability. So over to hubby's insurance I went. Just a note here, since 2002 we paid his ex-wife $1500/mo maintenance, and impatiently waited for her to either die or remarry....thank God she finally remarried last summer so maintenance stopped. Then this last Feb hubby also went on disability which meant no insurance unless we went COBRA....which we did to the tune of $1565/mo. Ouch and Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And apparently some time after Nov. 2009 the law changed to where you have to be disabled from your job for a year before you can apply for SS disability. Well, if the good old government keeps it up, that will be a fond memory. Frustrating I know.
Ladies, keep coming back to vent and let it all out. That's why we are here.....there may be times when you will wonder if we don't need to be sent away....like to be in Sane, or in Coherent, or my favorite in Cognito....we are one big happy family and there is always room for more around this table!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Add to that the oldest one who threw a fit and left when our mother nearly died in 2009, the one that we've had no contact with at her request and maybe you'll understand why I'm planning to have a nice nervous breakdown when this is all over.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother and as long as I am physically able to be her caregiver, I will. It would just be nice to have a respite from the worries for a while.
I've told them all that the well has run dry in more ways than one. When I find myself worrying over whether I should even buy the ten dollar pair of shoes at a discount store so that I can have something to wear to church, it's time that things changed.
Maya......screw the siblings and good for you for telling them the handouts are over............they usually aren't what they are cracked up to be anyway. Don't get me wrong.....there are some out there who all pitch in and help and they will get their rewards in heaven, as will we. Does Mom have a POA and a Will.........those are 2 things that need to be done. I'm sure she has some type of income so would it be possible to hire someone to come in once or twice a week to give you some time to yourself? Just a few hours a week where you can think about yourself only, get outside, go shopping for those shoes, go visit friends, anything so you don't have to think about care giving. I have said over and over, that the care givers life should not be in the trash can just so they can take care of a loved one. There has got to be limits....your whole being cannot be buried under the burden of care giving. When that happens, we cease to live, we only exist......and we end up keeping the pharmaceutical companies in business with anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and pain medications.
Love and Hugz to all of our family,
Jam
Love and Hugz,
Jam