The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.

I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.

Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.

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S sosad2 Jul 2011 · Answer 1 · 2011-07-27T15:07:47.000-0400

Isn't that bizarre how the elderly still want to do things, but there's no way. I guess I'm too soft because it breaks my heart to hear that. I see that mostly in elderly women. Yes, she is depressed and I do have POA, but until I get a dr. diagnosing a specific ailment, the assisted living may be too costly unfortunately. So, is your mil living with you all?

S starri33 Jul 2011 · Answer 2 · 2011-07-27T18:04:07.000-0400

Evening all, welcome sosad and maya, this is a great thread, as here we can talk about "How we are doing",

Jam you were talking about vials of life? I came across the website last night digging around for information on camping.. here's the link, they have the forms you can print out, and if you have or can get sticker paper from a office supply, they have the medical emblems you can print as well.. Heck, scotch tape and a regular sheet of computer paper works just as well.

Going to go lay down for a while, just spent the last 5 hours with the baby brother within slapping distance and didn't, so now I have a migraine that is about to blow the top of my head off...

Big Hugs and peaceful nights to all, I'll check back in later.

J Jam Jul 2011 · Answer 3 · 2011-07-27T18:13:23.000-0400

The demented mind takes the elderly in all kinds of bizarre directions. Slowly, bit by bit the freedoms they have enjoyed for countless years are taken away.....and unfortunately the mind is also one of those things that go away; reason and judgement fly out the window and it's a very sad thing to watch someone that you depended on while growing up, someone whom you looked up to for answers to all your questions become an angry, bitter, depressed shell of their former self, and that you now have the responsibility to care for and to keep safe.

The col lives in her own home, but it is connected to our home by way of a door in our family room in the basement area of the house. We must keep that door locked or she would be roaming the house. We have had to deadbolt her front door, opened by key only, because she was wandering down the driveway after her dog or going to the mailbox, which is on a very busy two-lane highway. We fenced in a portion of the backyard so she is still able to get outside. We have a huge pond with about a 20' drop and she was going over to it to throw weeds over the edge, and that edge was covered and soft....we are so lucky she never slipped off. Every time we would tell her to stop doing that, it was unsafe, we were given "I don't think so". Last summer she kept telling us what a good driver she was, yadda yadda yadda.....she kept it up until I said okay, you're such a good driver, here's my keys, go take my car and if you can get to Pleasant Hill, the town about 6 miles up the road from us, and back then we will fix your car and you can drive. She got all the way outside, hubby put on a motorcycle helmet, and she threw my keys down and said "you're treating me very disrespectful" and stomped off to her house. She knew she couldn't do it, but was too proud to admit it. This is a very vain 87 y/o. When she had to be hospitalized in June for manic attacks, I finally got the opportunity to throw her make-up away. Oh yes, she wore foundation, brown (I refused to buy black) mascara globbed on her eyes, pink lipstick on her cheeks and mouth. She used to wear individual false lashes and I managed to get those all thrown away and would not allow her to buy more. Before we cut her hair, I called her the electrified Q-tip....now she is a short-haired Q-tip. This lady has been and is still a handful. Oh the stories I can tell........ladee and seeme have heard some of those.....I've complained on this site since last November.

Depression is a diagnosis and is listed in the ICD codes.....you might be able to get financial assistance depending on the type of care mom would need. Would be worth looking into. I'm glad you have POA, that's one less thing to worry about.

It's 5 o'clock and we all know what that means............Target has ribs cooking for dinner, the smell has been driving me nuts all day.......will check back later.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

J Jam Jul 2011 · Answer 4 · 2011-07-27T18:21:14.000-0400

Wow starri, I wish they would have had that website when I still worked. I created a new form for our area and then we had to go around begging all the pharmacies to donate bottles to put everything in. I'm going to print off the information so the col will have one in her fridge......just didn't want to go back to the fire station to get one, because I might be forced to tell the Fire Chief what a POS he is, so now I don't have to. Thanks for the link.............
Hope your headache goes away...........hate migraines.

S starri33 Jul 2011 · Answer 5 · 2011-07-27T18:27:32.000-0400

Your welcome Jam, I am not to sure about putting it in the fridge, COL might feed it to the dog..lol, maybe on a door that is little harder for her to get too...if your sure she won't feed it to the dog or throw it away, fridge is a good place for it.

M mismiley Jul 2011 · Answer 6 · 2011-07-27T18:45:54.000-0400

How am I doing today? Thanks for asking. Frustrated, stressed and needing a looong vacation. My husband and I live with his grandma and have been taking care of her since 2007. I'm frustrated cause I'm the one that does the majority of the caregiving. I have my own health issues to worry about. I did have a normal job but I'm off on medical leave. I had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery in April. So I've been stuck in this house with grandma since then and she driving nuts. Always asking me how I'm feeling. Now I'd be feeling a heck alot better if she'd quite asking me. Then towards night she paces pack and forth looking for our cat and then she'll say that she can hear the cat crying. Mind you the cat is in the basement all this time sleeping. Even if the cat is in her eyesight she'll stay say that. This has become very stressful. I hear it a thousand times a day and then dealing with the healing process so I can go back to work and at least have some type of sanity in my life again.
I really need a very long vacation somewhere. All of this has just added more stress that I don't need.
I've talked her about going to adult day care but she won't have nothing to do with that either.

S Shawna Jul 2011 · Answer 7 · 2011-07-27T19:09:47.000-0400

No Starri she is getting what I guess is called the death pension aid and attendance. My father was a world war 2 vet served in the Navy. I was told to check into it as we were barely making it by some days especially in the winter. The va said that the money could be used to legally pay me for taking care of her as I do not currently have a job and can't get one as I am taking care of her full time. It was one of the reasons I started my own business as I needed to bring in extra cash between her meds and other necessities if we didn't have food stamps we'd have no food at all :( yeah I get help from my one sister but her husband gets laid off in the winter and with things going wrong with her car shes living pay check to pay check ...

J Jam Jul 2011 · Answer 8 · 2011-07-27T20:13:56.000-0400

Well, since the fridge is the universal place for the vial, I have to have hope the col won't develop a taste for paper......lol. We had to bring her dog to our house while she ate her dinner tonight. She is so transparent and she had every intention of feeding him ribs. I have weighed him and Heather weighed him and we're both right on at 18 lbs. I told her again tonight, he has to weigh 14 lbs by the end of August or we take him. If I got 7 lbs off him in 10 days, she should be able to accomplish 4. So, now that I'm full of ribs, going to kick back and do nothing for a while.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

J Jam Jul 2011 · Answer 9 · 2011-07-27T20:26:53.000-0400

Welcome mismiley.............oh my goodness, you are so young to have such an extensive cardiac history!!!! And yes, I agree, you need a rest or you are going to take a long time to heal properly in mind and body. Since Gma refuses day care, is it possible to hire someone to come in and relieve you? How about other family members who could lend a hand in helping? Sounds like she is sundowning...not a whole lot to be done with that, but I'm sure there are others here that could give you more insight in how to deal with it, or the incessant repetitive statements. Have you thought about getting her a stuffed cat to carry around with her? Maybe that might ease her worry that the cat is crying. You can redirect her to take care of the cat and maybe that might give you a few moments of peace. Keep coming back to visit with us and before long we will have you rolling on the floor.....we can be an insane bunch sometimes.....other times just crazy!

S seemeride Jul 2011 · Answer 10 · 2011-07-27T21:58:33.000-0400

MsMiley....Honey, you are sooo young. Gee, I have jeans older than you are. And to have such health issues, too. Did you all see on TV tonight that middle aged women have the most stress of anyone in the world, trying to balance jobs, children, house, husband and parent(s). And at the end of the piece Diane Sawyer said "And God bless the caregivers."

My chiro told me again to start walking just an hour a day, or maybe 30 min. On a routine day, if I had 30 min to myself......first, I would take a healthy shit, second, I would soak in my garden tub, third, I would scrub the callises off my feet and put some lotion on them......does that sound too ambitious ???

Tried to cath mom today to get a sample out of her and did not succeed. I suspected a UTI. We made her drink and she finally gave me some on her own. Hubby ran it to the dr office and I had to call them back with symptoms. When they asked if she could be dehydrated, then it hit me.....of course. She is always on the edge of dehydration, and that explains the urge to go and nothing comes out. There's no pain. It makes it damned difficult to tell what is wrong, and I hate to let anything go too long or I would just feel guilty about it. Getting her in the van now requires that I lift her . She doesn't have the strength to get her left leg (bad one) up far enough to clear the door jamb. Taking her to the dr in the condition that woman expects to be in , with hair, clothes, make-up, is too much to bother with on 100+ degree days. Shit, I am just whining now, so I will shut up and go to bed. Kathy will be here any time......tomorrow.....everyone ahve a wonderful peaceful sleep.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

S stormy Jul 2011 · Answer 11 · 2011-07-27T22:25:26.000-0400

Hey Gang how's everyone doing? And welcome newcomers come back and chat with us! Vent your heads off that's what we do and what we are hear for. Well, I am still battling this damn cold or more like this chest congestion and cough. If ya'll have any ideas or home remedies how to get rid of this mess I'm all ears. I thought about eating a bunch of HOT spicy foods. I guess I could just try to burn it out of me. Please reply if you know of something that works I'm sick of this sh$#!!!!! Well the hospital called today for dad to go and have his chest ct scan done. He went about 11:30 today. But we still don't know anything more. His leg is still pretty swollen and tight. Hopefully we will hear some results tomorrow or Friday on what they found or if they found anything. I'm just wondering if cancer has gone to one of his lymph nodes does that mean that others will be swollen?
Jam we are not really sure why dad gets so short of breath. I know the drs have said that he does have alot of scar tissue in his throat. I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. He does have copd though. And he is on a humidifier mask that he wears off and on during the day and at night to keep his secretions loose. Where they do not get dried and hard. But sometimes he doesn't want to wear it. Maybe I will have more info tomorrow on some test results I hope and I will let ya'll know what they find out!!! Love and HUGS Stormy

M Mayasbop Jul 2011 · Answer 12 · 2011-07-27T22:52:33.000-0400

Stormy, has your dad been evaluated for lymphedema? My mom developed it in her legs after her cancer surgery.

S stormy Jul 2011 · Answer 13 · 2011-07-27T23:12:51.000-0400

Hey Mayasbop No dad has not been checked for that. Jam was asking me too about hodgkin or non-h. disease. He has not been tested for any of them kinds. And I'm not really sure what the difference is between the two. Take Care!!!!

M Mayasbop Jul 2011 · Answer 14 · 2011-07-28T00:12:20.000-0400

Lymphedema is not cancer. It is basically swelling in the extremties that can happen when the lymph system can't move the lymph fluid out. There are wraps and special garments that will literally push the fluid out. My mom's started in one leg and then, eventually her other leg was affected. They removed lymph nodes to test to stage her cancer and that is what they believe caused hers to happen. Her lymph nodes were clean, so all she needed was the hysterectomy. Still, about six months after her surgery, her right leg swelled to about twice the size of her left one. She had vascular studies down to try to find any blockages, but there weren't any. That's when they diagnosed the lymphedema. The problem with the swelling is that it can cause problems with the skin, so if that's what it is, the wraps and garments can minimize the risk of damage.

Y yearight Jul 2011 · Answer 15 · 2011-07-28T00:41:20.000-0400

Just a quick Hi before I hit the hay. Welcome, to the new posters. Seeme, you crack me up girl!!!!! And I here you on that garden tub soak, if only there was time....sigh!!!!!!
Stormy, it could be cellulitis to. That's an infection and that could cause the swollen lymph node. Just a thought.
Dad is doing OK today, the hole in his head from the tooth extraction is healing.[yeah] He didn't crap himself today. [yeah]
My big baby bro called to belly ache about his dr and dentist appts. I say who the @#$* cares. He didn't even ask how dad was, it was all about him as usual.
I read so many posts with us cgs wondering why our siblings don't help and don't they understand. NO, the don't understand, how could they and the bad part is that they don't want to understand. Take my bro for instance, [please do]. He is so self centered he doesn't even know to ask me how I am or if I need help. It doesn't even cross his mind.
Oh here I go, when I'm tired I ramble. Sometimes I don't even give a fly'n flip anymore. But it's ok, we are the strong one's and we are better for it. I would hate to have to stand in his shoes when all is said and done. Night all

Sundowners was soooooooooo bad last night, not so bad tonight[yeah]

A allshesgot Jul 2011 · Answer 16 · 2011-07-28T01:09:57.000-0400

Oh my goodness sooo many new faces, and even newer faces:) not been able to catch em all up. So my brilliant idea that you guys have been waiiting on was for me to agree with aunt every time she tattled on the kids for somthing, hoping she would drop things once I validated her complaints(which ranged from gettihg popcycles out of the freezer, to leaving babydolls on their bedroom floor, to oh mother somone left the milk out(during brekfast)! Oops worked great for bout 2 days, kept her from having a meltdown, then she just started CONSTANTLY tattling on them(which I tell them not to do). Got extremly nnoying rather quickly, she ws outta her apt every 30 min. Looking around to see what she could tattle about! So I said foget it, go back to explaining how they are just children, the electrcity won't shoot up to thousands of dollars if they get a popcycle out, the baby dolls are SUPPOSED to be played with, that's why we bought them, and trust me if the milk spoils in the short time it takes 5 children to suck down a bowel of cereal it probably needs thrown out anyway Lol. I decided a bi weekly meltdown of the elder is not near as frustrating as a constant tatteling. Not gonna worry about her being upset and her bp raising, if her dr. Thinks her blood pressures are acceptable then I'm not gonna worry. He knows more than me. Love you all! My main objective this week is to let it all go.

S starri33 Jul 2011 · Answer 17 · 2011-07-28T06:33:38.000-0400

Hi, YR, hope you've gotten a good nights rest, hope that all of you have, while I am not caregiving now, mine was hit and miss.. hate nights like that.. Nothing on my agenda for today but finding out why SS has not put my check in the bank account, should have come in yesterday.

L ladee1 Jul 2011 · Answer 18 · 2011-07-28T06:59:54.000-0400

Welcome to all the new posters, hope you find this a place to bring your feelings, thoughts, suggestions and stay with us... there is power in numbers... it is a safe place to be...
ASG, so happy so see you here this morning, sure have been missing you... yep sweetie, let it go if you can.... you are a great mom and Auntie is just Auntie, so she just needs something to fuss about and let her fuss, the kids will learn to ignore her constant fussing, and it will be ok sooner or later.. missing you..

S starri33 Jul 2011 · Answer 19 · 2011-07-28T07:49:45.000-0400

Good for you ASG, your not going to make everyone happy all the time, so try and make yourself happy or at least keep your sanity, whats left of it.

Morning Ladee, did you sleep well? I hope so,

L ladee1 Jul 2011 · Answer 20 · 2011-07-28T08:01:30.000-0400

Thanks for asking Starri, yes, I slept well, but am getting very down about this getting the banana split moved and set up.... it is getting so complicated, and am wondering if I did the right thing... just want to get settled somewhere, this is playing old tapes of after Hurricane Rita, not having a permanent place, running out of money.... just too familiar... so many of us have PTSD after the Hurricane, anything that upsets your life like that, turns it topsy turvey, and nothing is familiar, that is how I am feeling... just sort of lost... it will pass I know.. but just what I am feeling today... thanks for asking... I needed that this morning.... love and hugs..

V Vic Jul 2011 · Answer 21 · 2011-07-28T08:05:41.000-0400

Hi folks...back again. Have been keeping up with all of you but haven't felt like posting. Dad had a pretty decent night last night..which means I was able to get some rest. Yay! Back has been hurting more and more lately since dad is having a real hard time relaxing his muscles. When I ask him to stand he staightens his legs (mostly) but the rest of his body is still in sitting position. Same way in mornings when I try to wash him. I get so tired of yelling at him to relax...he can't hear either! Arghh.. Then there is sweet mom running around picking up and straightening and washing one or two things. I love a clean house but damn! Give me a minute to get it done! She is always saying that I do zoo muc and that

V Vic Jul 2011 · Answer 22 · 2011-07-28T08:17:10.000-0400

Oops..hit submit...
Anyway she just runs around behind me..thank God she has her mind and can pretty much take care of herself. So friggin independent that she doesn't want help and figures she can still do whatever she wants. She is 91 ..falls on occasion is on wafarin regime ack! Crazy me for wanting to help her. I laid down what she can and cannot do and try reaaaaallll hard to stay out of her way. Wish I had a little more personal space than I do...oh well.
Took dad tue to get CBC done. Need to call today and see how it is. I imagine that he is right on the normal line. His mind has seemed a little clearer lately since taking him off aspirin. Wish they would go on and do transfusion just to see how he does. Figure that it won't make too much difference physically but you never know. Oh well...trying to get him to drink water at meals is like well...it is worse than trying to plead with a child!
Hope everyone has the best day possible and that your charges behave! Haha...
ASG... I am with you there!

V Vic Jul 2011 · Answer 23 · 2011-07-28T08:23:05.000-0400

Lade..know what you mean about PSTD from hurricane R .. I moved parents here to north MS after Katrina and everything changed for them! Hubby was at Sabine Pass for Rita and daughter went through Katrina in south Ms.
Change is so hard especially when you are in a stalemate situation. God bless you! I know life for you will come together soon. Hang in there girl!

S starri33 Jul 2011 · Answer 24 · 2011-07-28T09:14:32.000-0400

((((Ladee)))) I am so sorry this is giving you problems, I understand about the PSTD, that disaster was enough to give it to you and then the lousy way the government responded didn't help matters any.

If you can't get your current helpers, to do something, any chance of having someone else you can turn to for assistance?

Much love and great big hugs

S starri33 Jul 2011 · Answer 25 · 2011-07-28T09:23:32.000-0400

hey Vic, good to see you, If mom is capable of helping, let her, makes her feel useful.. use to do that to Mom, would take her stuff to do, so that she felt needed and useful. Not feeling needed anymore is a large contributor to depression, it's bad enough not having your body cooperate.

is your dads not being able to relax be related to pain? Hubby has a back that is going south, and tends to walk stooped over, stooping over just makes it worse..but hard not to do when you are feeling like "H***" When mine decides to do that as well, I have a hard time..

S starri33 Jul 2011 · Answer 26 · 2011-07-28T10:22:01.000-0400

Hi, Ladies, it seems that we are all having a bad day today, I think we need a laugh, I personally like the last link here, I can just picture the COL doing this..

S starri33 Jul 2011 · Answer 27 · 2011-07-28T10:54:06.000-0400

for some reason the links i posted have disappeared, maybe I wasn't suppose to post them, if someone wants them they can email me.. bummer on not being able to post them the last one was funny as all get out

J Jam Jul 2011 · Answer 28 · 2011-07-28T10:59:34.000-0400

Good Morning Posse!

starri......I'm knocking on wood here......but so far so good for me....:) you can picture the col doing what? I'm lost on that one. Later I will tell you all the story of the col and the laser light.....that might perk a few of you up. I still roll on the floor when I think about it. Well, h$ll froze over last night.....Target says he is going with me to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things.......we shall see. Going to be hot again today in the Midwest.....my poor garden is barely hanging in there, but by golly the grass around the boxes is nice and green and growing. I hope y'all have an improvement in your day and I will check back later.

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam

S starri33 Jul 2011 · Answer 29 · 2011-07-28T11:06:27.000-0400

will be waiting on the story of the laser, what is up is I posted some links that I guess I was not suppose to do, so I sent them in a email to you, and others can contact me if they wish..

D darrobertson Jul 2011 · Answer 30 · 2011-07-28T11:39:31.000-0400

As I read all these comments , I realize that others are experiencing the same things I'm going through with my 96 year old mother... I can't say I find comfort in numbers becausing I would not put this on anyone. My only peace comes when she is at Adult Day Care everyday but the nights are pure misery. She becomes belligerant and I thought last night she was going to hit me. She has never involved my teen daughters before but last night she did. That was very difficult for me to tolerate. I've been living this for about 8 years; I have tried to protect her small amount of assets for the rainey day that is coming at us fast and furious.. I have even thought my family would be better if I were gone because the decision to place her in assisted living would be made . So far I have fought these feelings but on a daily basis it is becoming more difficult. Not trying to be dramatic just needing to vent as I have not got anyone that will listen; in that way this site is very important. I wish the best to all but I advise anyone that asks NOT to move a parent into their home. I have no life and the life my mother lives must be miserable. Forgive my ramblings as I often can't stay focused. I'm definitly in the sandwich generation. The worlds I'm living in seem to be closing in on me. My 16 year old is having a birthday party Saturday night and I have got to get it together; so I guess I'll make it another day. Does anyone wlse share these feelings?

The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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