This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Sorry to hear you won't be posting for a while, Jam, as your sense of humor will be missed. Just take care of business for now and we will see you here later.
Some people are so vindictive. I wonder how that person will feel with jam....er, egg all over her face......HAHAHAHA.........We know you take good care of things, so have no fear.........we will be right here for you. Love you, girl.
Love ♥♥♥ Joan
Jam has not died. She has someone who has a personal vendetta going after her. Jam is a smart lady, she will figure it out and all will be well. In the meantime, we need to continue to give each other the support and safe place to vent so we don't feel left alone at the altar. Jam can comment to us with no fear and I'm sure she would do so. We don't need or want to abandon her, so we will continue to keep her a part of our lives by telling her about ours. That being said:
Mom scared the crap out of me by sleeping ALL NIGHT LONG !!! I woke up at 6:30, scared to death to open her door. And she is sleeping cock-eyed in the bed like usual, chest going up and down in perfect rhythm. Don't know that she has EVER done that before. See, even when I CAN sleep, I can't sleep.....
Kathy is here already this morning, cleaning out the laundry room. I have a ton of ironing, yes, I know, I do still iron in this day and age. But I had a hard time remembering how to spell it !! lol Then soon it will be just regular maintenance like normal. I can already tell a difference in the amount of dust ther isn't !!!
Emjo, How are ya, hun? Just say you are still there with us and not in a black hole.
Starri.. Where for art thou?
Everyone have as good a weekend as you can.......will check in later............
I got jumped on the first ten minutes I was in the house yesterday for leaving the utility room door closed...... I didn't say anything because I have stress of my own, and I think her idea of how that should work is stupid so I just left the damned door open all day, it's her light bill, she can pay it.... what she wants me to do is open the screen on the door leading outside, then close the door to the main house.. well, ok, it's, uh, like 105 outside, what is the difference??? But I didn't argue, just kept a wet hand towel around my neck all day... it is so hot in that house sweat is dripping on my glasses.... ought to tell her I hope none of it gets in the food....
But I am still giving her atta girls, even tho she is complaining about everything all the time... makes me feel better to be saying positive things to her... instead of getting upset over something I have no control over.... doesn't mean I don't "think" stuff, I just don't say it out loud....
Well, hope ya'll stop by and let us know how things are for you today... emjo and starri hope you enjoy your time away...
And just a reminder, everyone here is safe to say what needs to be said to make your day go a little better, the situation with Jam is something that started way before you guys were ever here... on another thread, so please know that you are safe here, no one is monitoring us, and so what if they do... nothing is being said here that isn't said anywhere else on this whole sight... just a stupid game being played, and if we all do the right things for the right reasons, it will all be ok... please, let's continue as we have been...
And one final comment about this,, Jam has friends here, not followers, she created this sight for US, not HER, she has no need to control or dictate anything, she has a full life, and what goes around comes back around.... love you all, and she will be posting again, she's not gone, just taking a little vacation from it all.... let's pretend she is in Vegas, can't get to a computer to tell us about the gazillion dollars she won, as she would be on a plane to the Bahama's... so let's continue ladies with our love and support of each other and let the truth find it's way out.... hugs across the miles...
everyone have a good one
To all of you, please stay, post and tell us how your days are going, the good the bad and the ugly, currently hubby had to get me out of the house, had a melt down yesterday and it was a matter of take me somewhere or I was going by myself, didn't matter where but I was gone, so we're up in Helen GA, I'm debating on either a swim or a nap or both..lol.. Hope that everyone is staying cool..
Cara
I'm not sure how wise I am, but I feel your pain.
We did not move my husbands step father into our home, rather my husband and I fixed up our home of 36 years, and rented it out to our daughter and son in law and 3 grandchildren. Then my husband and I moved into the home of his step father. Talk about a role reversal. We live in the only other bedroom of his house. There also is only one bathroom (and I have IBS which can be really scary when "Grandpa" is using the bathroom and I desperately need to get in there :-P)
The whole house smells, no matter how much I clean it. Grandpa uses a walker, and is always saying to me, "sorry let me get out of your way" and what are we having for "grunch?" He definitely has a learning disability and it's so hard talking to him sometimes because he doesn't get it. He has diabetes and doesn't care if he's supposed to be on a diabetic diet or not because he is "living on borrowed time" as he states it. I'm tired of hearing the same stories every day, him asking the same questions all the time, trying to breathe in that hot house all the time with the only A/C that works in my bedroom.
I get tired of him telling me he doesn't think I need to put a waterproof gerri pad on my brand new car seat because the time he had an accident was a one time thing. (that's a very long story there) At times Grandpa will not eat breakfast and take his insulin anyway along with a 4 oz. glass of what he calls orange juice. Then he just talks incessantly till lunch if I am in the room trying to be nice and keep him company, while the TV is on full blast, because he can't admit he needs a hearing aid.
I need surgery on my back, but how can I do that when I'm supposed to be caring for him. I had one previously in March 2007 but I was in my own home then. What am I supposed to do, race him to the bathroom with my walker, while he's using his? Who will take care of me if I have the surgery? My husband works full time.still till he retires in about a year or less.
I know I shouldn't complain, but he's not MY relative. At first it seemed like a good idea, sort of, moving in there to keep him in his own home. But he was so much easier to take when I just came over and took him shopping, to the doctors, or whatever. Actually living there is getting to be too much. I feel like I'm in jail :-P
His grateful when I make dinner (he will eat absolutely anything) and do the dishes, and always remembers to say thank you.
Don't get me wrong, there are days we actually get along, but I think its because I have given up.. Then there are days I can't stand the sound of the old guy's voice!!!
God help me!!!
Cara
Just haven't figured out what sibs are good for yet, of course not talking about your sis, but tell her not to worry, ya'll will do fine.. That is a shame she can't even go to a wedding and get away for a few days without having to worry... but you and hubby will do fine...... hope the explosion waits until after the wedding.... sorry he is being such a butt.... hope you and little man had lots of fun today... hugs
Hey, Stormy and I live about 2 hrs apart...Starri is probably 5 hr. If you need me to smack some drunk brother, I can do that.....even if he is a moving target.....does he wobble much? But oohhhh so good of hubby to step up to the plate...bless his heart...in a good way.
I have some reading to do, so I'd best get it done now.........back later.
Cara I understand the voice sending resentment singles to your brain. sometimes when i just want some time to myself and I work on the computer moms voice constantly calling me (sometimes for no reason) makes me want to bang my head against the wall. It used to drive me crazy when my nephew (25 doesn't have a job won't take a bath ugh... doesn't do anything but play video games! ) would come down supposed to help me and mom wants something instead of getting it for her like he was down there for he'd come in here *my work area* and tell me Grandma needs this or that ... like he has two broke hands or something and can't do it himself. After awhile I told him not to come down anymore cause all he's doing is eating us out of house and home couldn't cook Tuna and mac and cheese does NOT make a meal .... and it was costing us 60 bucks for gas for his mom to bring him down .. so I finally had enough and told him to stay the heck HOME... anyway .... yep sorry had to get that off my chest..
Stormy don't worry about a explosion, start it yourself..lol... let that brother and lousy wife of his know exactly how you are feeling, if they are not capable or willing to help, then just stay the H away... you don't need their mouthing complaining BS to top the stress that you and your sister are all ready under.
Now that the PROBATE JUDGE ordered her to go home, everything is upside down again. I have been crying because they are obviously stealing the food, using the phone to make long distance calls to the tune of $120.00, watching tv upstairs, complaining if she "has an accident"...one ordered internet after impersonating my mom in order to get it!
The newest live in lady, greeted me by YELLING AT ME, because there is only chicken and steak in the freezer and all she eats is FISH, 7 nights a week. "White people is suppose to have cereal in the house, you have none, what am I suppose to have for breakfast!!!" (can you believe this DIVA??)
She wants "special water" to drink even though the tap water in my moms town is fine. (In my town it is terrible to we get ours from a spring)...complain, complain and then upstairs to watch TV! Next day we took the TV out of her room to end the isolation that comes from this behavior.
LIVE IN, 24/7 care is a NIGHTMARE! I am trembling right now and I just want to run as far away as I can from this madness.....even if I change workers, it just goes from bad to worse.
My moms Probate attorney feels really bad for me...he said to "hang on, go on your vacation, I will be here if anything happens and when I get back"; he is going to try and get her to go back to the AL. He is wasting his time, she will NEVER leave her home no matter that she is literally killing me with the stress of hiring and keeping people to dote to her every whim.
I actually am beginning to hate my own mother.....time to save myself and let PROBATE pick a third party to handle Conservator of Person (I can do the Estate part as it is just bill paying) and let her go broke paying them $150.00 an hour to keep up with this "definition of insanity"~
Then I put her in a (5) star AL place and PROBATE ruled (after a month) that she be returned back to the madness of live in care.....I cannot do this anymore...
Conservator of PERSON is much harder than "of Estate"....Paying bills I will continue to do since they all come to my home and it is stress free.
Keeping workers that actually WORK and do not rip us off or make stupid demands has proved to be too wearing for me....I will finish out this year, and then send in my letter to PROBATE resigning as Conservator of Person only....I need to save myself now...The AL place met all of her needs and it was actually cheaper because food was included! Their food was off a menu, not cafeteria trays. She had a private room and bath and a call button around her neck. The place was immaculate and they had nursing staff and a concierge doctor on site. My sister is the one (in Florida, far away, undermining all my judgement calls) that talked MOM, into bitching to "go home"...she met (2) woman she knew and had more social times in AL, then being isolated in her own home with these idiots.
Right now, the woman there is really hard to understand...her accent is very thick, plus she REFUSES to have anything to do with oxygen! "It is too much responsibility"....is she kidding, it is her JOB???
She wanted to come home so this is what she gets...
We are leaving Monday for Lake Sunapee in New Hampshire and her attorney told me to not call or think about her...he is there and he wants me to take a break while he figures out how we can get her back into AL again....she is in an UNSAFE environment and we are stuck with the worst Probate Judge ever! Thanks Starri33......your a Godsend..stay blessed.....
Emjo- My prayers are being sent your way. I know you are having a difficult time right now. I can't even imagine the hell that you have been through losing Gordie. I think you are a remarkable woman! I hope you have a safe trip home from your vacation.
Seemeride- Wonder if anybody else on this thread is living close to us? And yes dear old brother does wobble, slurs, cusses, picks fight with the wife and kids. A terrible drunk when he is drinking. A complete different person when he is sober. A really nice guy then. I guess it's just not in the cards for him to quit drinking. He did it for almost a year after his stroke then he started back. But anyway he needs someone to knock some sense into him so if you feel froggy by all means seemeride you can come down here and kick some butt!!! lol
Jhynd- Kick that little brat of a nephew out now if he can't help you more than what he is! Let some steam off!!!
Cara- Let me just say I feel your pain girl. My dad sounds like your gramps. Dad tells me sometimes to turn the air off especially on the 100 degree days not the 80 degree days just the hot as hell days! Go figure I can't understand it. And that TV has about busted my poor ears. It's bad enough I already have a ear I can't hear out of(hereditary) and now he is trying to work on my one good ear I have left. Blows me out of the room. I have to go to another room and sit until he turns it down. And what makes it so bad is he has a hearing aid and WEARS IT!!!!
Starri- Hope you are doing good. And before all is said and done me and my sister just might go A-WALL on that family of ours. But it will have to happen after the wedding is over and she is back!!!!
Ladee- Yes that sil of mine does keep things in a tizzy more than you know. She is a control freak with her whole family over feel sorry for some of them for having to put up with her. But we will try to keep things calm for now!!! Love ya girl...
Jam - my buddy, my friend, my pal I miss you on here!!!! Hope you are doing ok. We love you girl!!! Try to stay sane through all of this mess you are having to deal with right now. Love to all of you crazy gals Stormy
Roxanne, If you have to put up with this situation much longer, I would try to see a doctor about your health. Yes, this is very stressful dealing with all the normal stuff and siblings. Throw in a court and people who don't know or realize the situation, and there is REAL stress. Can't even imagine what that all entails. Let us know how things are going..........
Got to get mom ready for bed and I may hit the sack myself.......Good night from the East Coast............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
love ya Jam.....
Ladee- Talking about money Good Lord that will probably be a mess when dad passes away. Dad has money. Has worked all his life to provide for us kids. Everything is suppose to be divided equally between the 3 of us. But I'm sure their will be some kind of drama when that time comes. They are not showing up now but I bet when dad passes they will be over there faster than a fly on sh#$!!!! To get his part of the inheritance.
Well be go for now love and hugs to all. Have a good night all!!!! Stormy
I read a little bit of your stories - Ladee I am sorry Marie is not behaving - Cara I understand your frustration with your grandpa - Roxanne, when my mother lived alone she had many caregivers; some of them behaved well, some of them behaved very badly (one of them stole all our good stuff, for example) You have to keep trying, until you find a good one - and don't be too sweet. Tell them that they will have to pay for their telephone calls abroad, that if they want to eat caviar and champagne they can forget it... there is a limit. There are many reasonable middle ways between "caviar" and "bread and onions"...I have a very good relationship with my helps, but they know that they mustn't exaggerate! After receiving a 400 dollars telephone bill, 2 years ago, I got very angry and from that moment on they stay away from the phone.... The problem is that I don't have a lot of money, so we have to be very careful, all of us! Of course when you are in the same house it's much easier; if your mother is in another town, it's hard... - Crazy lady, it's not a bad thing if you cry. At least, you vent! When I am "over the top" I scream! I am lucky I live in the country so nobody can hear me. - Stormy good luck with your brother... I think you can't count on him. Pretend he doesn't exist!
Sorry I couldn't read all the posts so I am forgetting many people.
Emjo I wrote you on Facebook.
'night everybody
I hope that everyone has a peaceful night and a blessed Sunday. P & P
Yr- I'm sorry you are having a bad night with your dad. Get some ear plugs (some good ones) and see if that helps!!! And just smile and nod your head at him!!! Hugs and Love to Ya'll!
No nursing home allows, dementia or not a person to go unbathed, to do whatever they want, to drive to walk near ponds,they do"reality orintate" them. If any of what Jam has said on here is any reason for her to be in trouble from APS every nursing home, hospital I have ever worked in should be investigated to! Jam, col is very lucky to have a wonderful daughter in law like you, who makes sure her needs are met, she is clean, she dosnt give all her food away to her dog, for turning your own life upside down, stepping up to the plate to do what you must, to make sure col dosnt wind up where you know she dosnt want to be, where she has her own space, a sense of freedom in her own little home, fenced in yard for her safty, you have gone above and beyond what many would, and for anyone to take what you have done, and try to make it into abuse....all truths come to light! We love you, thanks for taking the time to share your life with us, to listen to us, to give us advice, thanks to everyone here who has made this a great place. And evryone please hang tight to these threads...somtimes it feels like these are the only threads we are hanging by. We may not be perfect, we are a good group of caring people or we wouldn't have been looking to find this sight.