This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Granny .. I love your attitude! Just checking: you know that the DPOA ends and trustee/administrator takes over after death, right?
Everything is going to be especially poignant for quite a long time. Even the least little reminder like a song you hear in a store, a movie on TV you watched with them or a bite of their favorite food. It's going to hurt for a long time and that is NORMAL!
My dad died a little over three years ago and it still hurts, though there are less 'take my breath away' moments. I do get them now and then when the reality hits me out of the blue.
I really miss his wise advice and big hugs. And caring for my mother without him here is not fun. She misses him even more than I do. *sigh*
I was never able to grieve my dad fully, as my mom was plopped on my plate during his illness and after his death. Had to hit the ground running and never look back. Maybe that's why it's taking so long to work my way through the process. My mom's not well and I feel like I'm watching her die. I've been really ambivalent about it as she has been a pill - but I'm also aware that she lost her life partner who she dearly loved.
I should be named (Long) WindedTown. I just tell you this, monday, because I want you to know you are NOT alone. We all hear you and can relate to your feelings and emotions. Losing someone you love is soooo difficult. It never really leaves you, and it shouldn't. They are a part of you as you were of them. As time marches on you will embrace the gifts and memories they instilled in you. Mine comes when I tie my shoes. I do it the Danish way as my dad taught me. Ha! My whole life my mom told me it was wrong. She does to this day...
Give yourself at least a year to feel like you can think about your mom without crying, either outside or inside. It's okay.
As far as your brother and sister going on with their lives, pity them. They didn't have the depth of love you shared with your mom. But, in that vein, your mother through that love you share would not want you to wallow in grief for her. Honor her memory by LIVING!
I've had to walk that walk. My brother's life has gone on while I have cared for my mother for three years.
The sibs have no idea what it was like - they never will. Sometimes it's just the way it is. Eventually you'll come to a place where that struggle results in peace of mind. I've just recently arrived there.
So these are my wishes and prayers for you:
1) On every anniversary (and I know about that, days, months, years, etc.) allow yourself some time to cry, yell, scream, whatever. My first year involved a ton of snot rags and screaming. It's good to get it all out. I'm not kidding in any way.
2) Make sure you get out in the world everyday. I insist you get out and see people. This crucial. Be present. Your mom would want you to be, even if it's picking up a quart of milk or OJ. No matter how hard it is, get out there. Your dog must love car rides.
I'd be a very bad psychologist - but as a friend I say cry when you feel like it. Tears come really hard for me.
I've been a steward of grief for too long. I love people that can just get up and go. Your siblings are those people.
Hope my ramblings help you a little bit. You are not alone in your feelings
It has been a long time since I have felt that cold wind blowing thru me when I think of her... now it is with sadness.... some deep sighs.... still some tears.... but I still miss her....I always will...
Grief is very personal... do what you need to do.... the world doesn't look the same anymore, I know, something is missing... but only in it's physical form... nothing can take away our memories....it's hard to catch our breath after such a loss.... but we are here for you both... always.... and you not alone.... we understand, we are here for each other.... just hope you both keep us updated... we are here for this part too... sending love across the miles to you both....
Hi - Brother is coming down to go to the funeral home. Everything is in place. Mom knew what she wanted and we are going to do as much as we can to do fulfill her wishes. Last night that commercial came on about men's erection problem. Mom loved it when they said if you experience an erection that last more than 4 hours call a doctor. She loved that. I had to call a very long time friend of hers last night and it was very hard. They had kept in touch for 50 years. She was crying and I told her about mom telling me that there was a place across the street that was like in the country. She and Mom found some nice bushes and dug them up and put them in front of the house. She remembered this and laughed a little bit. A lot of people are surprised that mom wanted to be cremated. That was her wish and she has already paid for the funeral plan. Right now I am trying to find a picture of mom that we can have next to the urn. She had a picture taken of her posing on a piano with short shorts on in a very sexy pose. He had to have been taken in the 40's. What do you think that would turn a few heads. Take care!!!!
AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHH - StandingAlone please! - why did you even mention that???? Now I'll have to go and listen to the whole dang thing...
I wish I could just enjoy it and stop sleeping with one eye open waiting for the ball to drop!!
GREAT NEWS, GREAT NEWS, GREAT NEWS!!!! OUR ELECTRICITY IS COMING BACK ON....TODAY!!!!!! :D
God is good, God is so good, people!! Finally, I managed to get hold of someone at the utilities company that could help me, one of the supervisors! I worked out a deal with her. I told her the whole sorry story... My mom's alz, no POA, having to get the state involved to place my mom, the frozen accounts, all of it...Come to find out as we talked, HER mom has alz, too...I think she had a lot of sympathy for our plight and worked out a deal that I could afford and live with.
Thank God, thank God, thank God! I feel like 5 mountains have just been lifted off of my shoulders!!! What a freaking relief! I feel like I just won the lottery! :)
To those that threw some prayers at the Almighty for my family, he heard you guys! Life is good, people. It's really, really good. :D
Hang on, you found a human person working at a utilities company??? Don't tell 'em, they'll fire her for sure… :) xxx
I recently started menopause and had to leave my apartment due to severe asthma caused by my chainsmoking neighbor...i feel trapped living here but i'm realizing that this is a GIFT from God...staying here with her while she needs me the MOST....it's painful for her to feed herself, use the toilet, etc. There's a reason for everything and I know that she needs someone here to make her breakfast, help with toileting, etc. and she hates having a PCA from the agency because they talk too much and she hasn't much for them to do...this way I can help her as needed yet we both get our privacy...my therapist will think i'm crazy for staying here...because mom and I have a long history of fighting with each other...
i need to pray about what to do next. I want to break my lease and find a smoke free complex...or maybe live with mom to get out of debt....decisions decisions!!
LG, you weren't being a 'Debbie Downer', you were simply sharing what tends to happen in cases like this.... nothing wrong with throwing up a red flag for others to be aware of.....just words of wisdom....
The lady I work for is 'Debbie Downer'..... if it is a perfectly beautiful day, all is well, she will find something to be negative about....she was complaining last night, about how much chocolate syrup ( a half teaspoon) I put on Gene's ice cream last night.... some rambling about having to stick to a budget.... so I reminded her of the $60 I spent on wine for her last week....she got mad, and I didn't care..... hell, just leave the man alone to enjoy his ice cream.....
Hope everyone finds something to be grateful for today... Lav, you are in my prayers.... you are loved....
I just informed her she has a DR appt. at 1:30 today.. "Oh nooooo", I don't want to go out"... That's why I wait to tell her, so now I don't have to listen to the whining days ahead.
I'm such a meanie.....
May I ask you a question? How is it that you got the job of taking care of her??? Please come back and vent away... no judgment here, and you will see us tell you we understand, we do these things our self, and you are not alone.... wishing you a good day in spite of you taking the time out of your busy day to plan a murder !!!!