This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Sorry! - not interrogating you, just wondering. Agree with everyone else how amazingly helpful this forum is, especially when you're fit to be tied from stress - it's almost a cliché, but it's the freedom of knowing that you're talking to people who really do understand how you feel. Just two or three months ago I was utterly miserable; AC has been a lifeline.
Smitty - Wow, that is a big decision to make although it sounds like your mom needs you, you have to think about yourself also. I wish you luck with your decision.
Hi everyone - I am doing pretty good. I am still crying when I have to tell people about mom. The greatest gift was being with mom when she passed but I can still see her face that moment when she stopped breathing. My brother has been great with all this, a little controlling but things need to be done. We will be selling the house. I have been pitching things for a few days. Mom did not get rid of anything. I guess it must have come from her living through the depression. Dad was the same. A woman who played bridge with my mom came by and brought spaghetti and meatballs and chicken gumbo. I know what I will have for dinner.
Her sons won't pay for any respite care? Does she own her home? Can that be sold to pay YOU and other caregivers? Have you heard of a personal care agreement? That would mean that she would pay you something to care for her, and it would not prevent her from being eligible for Medicaid when her money is gone.
Have you contacted the local AAA - Area Agency on Aging? They have lots of resources and information on how to handle things. You might even find an Elder Law attorney there who can help you sue the no-good sons!
I take it that's it's your husband's youngest uncle? Did your husband's uncles not have a good relationship with their mother? Not trying to be snoopy, but I don't understand a son not trying to do his best to take care of his mother when they own a mountain and have a million dollars.
Sound like they could take care of grandma pretty well in a memory care situation. Is that what they mean by committing her? Words get scrambled communicating on the internet, and perhaps they just mean that. Are you feeling ambivalent about your husband placing her in a place she will be well taken care of?
I'm sorry this has all fallen upon you. All the tough stuff is in your court. YOU are the one that has had to look in the mirror and question YOUR goodness. Darling, it's NOT you that is behaving badly by a long shot! You are a GOOD person taking this on - please never doubt that again.
I pray for your strength in the days ahead.
Don't doubt your goodness! It seems all of us that take caregiving on do that! It means we're human and understand the divine, even if not consciously so.
Please let us know how it goes when you have the time.
It's great you are doing this out of kindness but you're already resentful of her children and believe me it will get worse.
Sit down with your husband and explain the situation, you know how it works you've worked in this field.
Your son is your first priority. Please take care of your immediate family first!
Hugs and best wishes... We're all in this together..
Sounds to me, btw, like the son with POA could wind up with serious questions to answer about elder neglect. But save that 'til you've nothing better or more interesting to deal with. What wrotten psods, as my mother would have put it...
Other than that BP is good and I'm the crazy one!!
Since this is a long post I will just make it longer. My mom had a great sense of humor and she did crazy things. I am remembering the good times now. For instance, we had neighbors across the street that mom and dad were close to. On year after Christmas the neighbor brought out the tree to be taken by the trash people. For some reason they did not pick it up. He would get so mad about it. Once in the middle of the night when they were coming for the trash in the morning Mom and Dad dragged the tree to our back yard and decorated it. In the morning the man thought that they had picked it up. The next day my parents put it in front of the mans sliding glass door so that was the first thing he saw in the morning. LOL I am remembering a lot of good times. I am taking the day off today and trying to relax. We are selling the house and now I have to get rid of a lot of stuff. Oh well, I knew this day was coming. It is going to be a lot of work. Brother is helping out a lot. Take care of YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Ve hass vays!!"
If I was married to someone that wanted to move in an alz/dementia relative, and worse, dump them on me, it would be game over before I'd take on that job. And I don't consider myself 'bad' for that either. I went around that block with my own mom for 11 years. Never again.
I'm with you on the toenail polish - that creeping guilt as the unpainted part grows bigger and bigger and you STILL haven't got round to it..!
i thought after just a couple of days i was getting the hang of this forum, which IMO has been the best one i have found.
did something change?
i am still on my same clunky ipad... (desktop is next room over from one VERY LOUD T.V.)
confused again, what else is new? lol.
how do i know i am a caregiver today? when i put her in her wheelchair for breakfast, (knowing it will take almost an hour for her to eat) and pop out to the post office 15 minutes tops, and come home to find her in the floor.
i know she takes pride in those FEW times, she makes it from the wheelchair to the bed, but the overall attempt is bad.
i have a gait belt, and i am going to start using it to strap her into her wheelchair. i did strap her in for a couple of weeks, no harm no foul. but she eventually convinced me that she would not try a nose dive if i stopped using it. my bad.
the gait belt is worth it, because getting her up from the floor is so much harder on her, and the belt is not even uncomfortable.
strap 'em in, i say!
i remember what terrible fits my youngest daughter would throw about being restrained in her carseat. did i think twice? did i consider letting her ride without a carseat? NOPE.
these are the things you have to overcome. you are bossing your parent around. i often give her the benefit of a doubt when that is not what she NEEDS at this point.
i am trying to follow my own made up brand new golden rule... be effective first, and anything that is left over can be spent on humouring them, or showing affection. you will ultimately have more time for that if you lay down the law on the rules that are keeping the, safe.
Edna decided, in some sleep deprived or dream-induced state that she should be able to get up out of bed and go fix the breakfast. Oh, dear lord. No. Especially not at 3am. So .. we took two gait belts, attached one on either side of the bed from the railings, added some strings of bells, then got a baby monitor. The belts don't actually keep her secure .. it's more like a warning system: when she tries to get up, the bells ring and we're alerted. Then we got a 'fall alarm' that we attach to her collar, when she's sitting ... if she moves too far, its yanked off the base, which sets off a siren. We do what we gotta do! I'll be damned if a fall will be the reason she declines!!
Rioblu, I know just what you mean! I helped with caregiving mom for 24 years. And now just father for the past 2 years. Lately, in my head, I’m thinking : I am soooo tired of changing pampers!!! I did mom’s pampers for over 13 years. Bedridden father – 2 years. And he just started in his road to senility. {{HUGS}} because you need one. (sorry, I can only send you cyber hugs when what you really need is Vacation from caregiving.)
Chrissy, I feel so bad for your mom. My arthritis has been acting up lately. I am sooo tired of the pain. I’m getting desperate enough to see if actually paying for a massage would help. Or may a chiropractor?
I have mentioned several times that my dysfunctional childhood must have damaged me. I've even told this to my counselor/therapist that I Feel Nothing inside. She reassured me that with the kind of violent childhood I was raised in, I had to lock my emotions in order to survive. And it's still locked inside. That's why I don't feel emotions.
But, the CNN, the way the scientist explained how he is with emotions...rings withe me. He says that he doesn't feel the emotions but he Understands it. I'm like that. (of course, if I locked my emotions deep within, I won't be feeling it now. Just as when I traveled to England and toured the real castle of the Queen - I did not feel happy or privileged or lucky. It was just a very beautiful castle.)
Anyway, there's this test if you go to AC360 (CNN Anderson Cooper's site) and click on the Psychopath test. I tried it for fun. Yippee!! I'm not a psychopath. =)
Well, according to the test:
* I'm a warm and empathic with a heightened awareness of social responsibility and a strong sense of conscience. {That's how I got stuck caregiving for the parents for over 24 years!}
* You like to carefully weigh up the pros and cons of a situation before you act and are generally averse to taking risks. {Yep! Overkill with indecisions!}
* You are very much a 'people person' and dislike conflict. {Yep! Still cannot confront sis to do more with regards to housework.}
* 'Do unto others...' are your watchwords. {That, too. But 'what goes around comes around' beats that hands down.}
* But, although you avoid hurting others, those residing at the higher end of the psychopathic spectrum might not be as considerate, so stay vigilant to avoid being hurt unnecessarily. {Easier said than done! Too late?}
Now that was fun! I was really really afraid that it would say that I'm psychopath! Whew! ;-)