This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I used to read a lot, but I don!t have the time or concentration these days.
Last night at one am mom rang her bell. She did not even need the potty, she just wanted to sit up. I said no, not at one am! So five minutes later she rang again, and said she wanted to sit up. I pretty much gave her a lecture about daytime and nighttime and how they are different, lol.
And since she like hubby more than me I finally convinced her to at least take pity on him because he had worked so hard all week.
(We caregivers know all we do is sit atound and eat bon bons all day, and we get twice as many bons bons on the weekend, right girls?) LOL.
I just heard her flip her T.V. on... I am praying last nigt was just a little glitch, because as I mentioned in other threads, a few years ago she had a very nasty psychotic break that left the entire family traumatised.
Wish me luck, and remember it's the weekend, so everyone take a couple of days off! HAHAHAHA!
Dared - My Mom hated the gait belt. I told her that lifting her was hurting my back and that is when she agreed to it. I least u have an ipod to work on. Take care of YOU!
Country - I would keep my nail polish on until I had to wear sandals. Take care of YOU!
PC - Vent away. It looks like you deserve it. There has to be something you can do about this. Take care of YOU!
LadeeC- Wow, it looks like you have your I's dotted and your t's crossed. Yes, we do what we have to do. When mom was falling last year that is when she started declining. Take care of YOU!!
Rioblu - I am so sorry you are in a bad state right now. I know I just wanted to get away. I have not even been away for one day in three years. Take care of YOU as best you can!!!
Chrissy - I am so sorry that your is in so much pain. We want to just take the pain away for them. We can only do so much. Mom got a physical therapist and she gave my mom exercises for her back and knees. Can you talk to her doctor about getting her therapists. Also, my Mom used to have me rub icy/hot on her back and knees and it helped. I also think she liked having me touching her and giving her my full attention. Take care of YOU!!
Book - Hey there. I am glad that you are not psychopathic. It helps. It is good that you have that to look at. I don't know if I am there I will have to weigh the Pros and Cons. LOL Take care of YOU!
LadeeM - hey there. Take care of YOU!
I have been doing a lot of work around the house. We have to sell it soon. I took out 6 garbage bags and 2 boxes for the garbage. My arms were hurting. Even a hot bath in Epsom salt did not releave it. I need to relax today. Although I will probably do some things just not as much as yesterday. I had a hankering for a mufflelata yesterday. It was delicious. Full of salt but I did not care. Bro and wife came almost every day this week. I got invited to watch the Saints game to at my brother's but I do not feel like it. I need to take a break from them. I have not have this much contact with them ever. My brother has a short fuse. He even had a fit when I told him not to touch the thermostat. He is not the one that has to pay the bill. He was cold. SO WHAT. He is also very controlling. I had enough of that with Mom. They have taken me out to eat or bringing it to the house. It is all fast food. If they eat like this all the time its no wonder why they both have high blood pressure. We are trying to get things together to sell. Sterling silver and china. We are also trying to sell a painting by my great grandfather. He was the painter for the court of Austria. There are a lot of old coins here too. I got some bad news yesterday. I need three new tires and new shocks. Good Gravy. Also, I have weird feeling in the house now. I keep seeing shadows of something moving. I look and nothing is there. I keep wondering if it is Mom. I feel creepy. It is probably my imagination. I keep thinking I should spend the night somewhere but I am really watching my money. Mom would want me to enjoy life right now. I don't cry unless I am telling someone about Mom. I cried my eyes out when I realized she would not be coming home. Especially at the hospital. Well, one day at a time. I just want to be left alone right now. I have not had that in a long time. I should go watch the game somewhere but I do not feel like it. I might just take a nap and relax. I am going to take care of ME!!!!
I need to read a book called Boundaries...and learn to say no sometimes...but she is in so much pain....so we decided she needs someone here all day instead of just in the afternoon...I know I'm rambling but need to vent...i know it's my responsibility to go out and socialize and have a life but I'm so depressed I want to isolate...i know that's the last thing I should do!!!
It could be worse....at least she can afford someone to work when I am not...if I had to be full time, my fibromyalgia would be horrible..
Anyway...I am thankful I can spend quality time with mom...we ate out yesterday...and had fun...
Thanks for listening;o))
I was reading back some posts and discovered your mom had passed away.
I am very sorry about this, remember reading how tough this was also for you. May her spirit soar very high!
I am so glad to hear that you have your electricity turned on again.
Hopefully things will start to come together for you and your family.
You and yours are in my thoughts.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I would like to offer my condolences on the passing of your mother.
May her spirit soar very high.
The grieving process is a very individual journey. Give yourself some time.
It is normal to feel what you are feeling, no less if you and your mom had a good relationship.
You and yours are in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I have been reading about your situation with your grandmother.
I completely agree with Assandache about seeing to the POA, and other legal matters as they are going affect you, if you agree to have grandmother living in your home.
My sister took on this difficult task on back in 2007, when she decided to move in w/our mom (92 yrs. w/ALZ), and mom's older sister, with a variety of health ailments the biggest being congestive heart failure. Our aunt was a narcissist, so this didn't make caregiving for her an easy situation, by a long shot.
Our brother at that time was the POA, and I believe MPOA, for both mom and our aunt. Both elders were/are (aunt died 2 yrs., ago), have the financial means to pay hired CG's. But just before my sister moved in w/them, they really were being neglected by the POA brother. He was sticking his hands into their bank accts.,
mis-managing some rentals they owned, but could care less about addressing some escalating health concerns for both of them.
At some point.....POA was taken from my brother and my sister was named.
She did not have however MPOA, for our difficult aunt, who wanted control of those decisions. Of course, she did have it for mom, in her condition. But oh boy,
regarding our aunt, did this lack of the MPOA make things difficult. Here we had an ailing narcissist calling all the shots.
My sister still cares for our mom. She has much of the feelings many caregivers write about here, the frustration, the anger, burn out, etc. She manages the caregiving quite well, even though she is a control freak. But I often wonder also,
how it is in our family......that despite appointments by our parents, legally speaking......how is it that again a female in the family got the job of caregiving?
I go there and relieve my sister, when she needs a break, or I've the extra time to be there, as I live rather far from my mother's home. In our family, my two brothers never take mom over, as in spending the night w/her. So I'm just laying all this out to you, so that you can see there seems to be a pattern here.
It's wonderful that you do this for the grandmother. There is no doubt about that fact. However, I must say that reading what you told us about your young son, and the message he'd like in his lunch box, speaks mountains. He is asking for your attention. As others have said, try to see if you can get some kind of help, or make the proper parties responsible for this elder. It would probably be to your benefit to speak with an attorney. But most of all, remember you do have a little one to deal with. He should be numero uno.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
No one can ever accuse you of not caring !!! Took on quite a job there and are still alive to get to the computer to find people who understand.... job well done there !!!! None of us know if they will go first or us.... its a crap shoot everyday.... surely there is a separate Caregiver Heaven... with a Jacuzzi, our own massage therapist, some one to do mani/Pedi's and chocolate that isn't fattening..... I CHOOSE to believe this... the only thing that keeps me going somedays, besides my friends on AC... welcome.... get on the crazy train... you are not alone.... sending you lots of hugs and air freshener for the 'doggie' smell...
Margeaux - Thank you for your kind words. They are appreciated. Mom and I would not always get along but I know that she loved me and I loved her. I would not trade caring for her for anything. Again, that you so much. Take care of YOU!!!!
It sure isn't easy to get better when you're taking care of someone else with no sleep. I understand how you feel. Been there, done that. Grab a nap when you can and drink lots of chicken broth with a generous sprinkling of pepper. Wish I could be there to help you out. It's the worst being sick when you're caring for someone.
I am thinking of you today. This is the time to let the sons take over. Caring for her has been hard on you, and she may be ready for a facility. Just because you have experience caring for Alz/Dementia does not mean you have to do it for family. You are young, you need to take care of yourself first! Let the POA's take over the situation, it is time and she is not your responsibility. And DO NOT
feel guilty about it.
Take care of YOU!!!!!
You are a good caregiver and a good friend.
A little over a year ago we had a family meeting with my husband's family about his Alzheimers mother with his mother present--of course, they were no where to be found for nearly 9 straight months after that. A few days after that initial gathering the brothers met up and had a discussion wherein each was to do one of the three things needed for their mother being they knew the disease can progress pretty quickly. I am my MIL's caregiver. After 9 months, I said enough is enough and told hubbie to ask them to take her at least once a month. There are two of them so that should be easy enough. They could divide the time. Well, they did that pretty good but still managed to make me feel like crap for their having to do it.
So, four months go by with that, but now, I suspect that won't be happening anymore. Hubbie and I got tired of waiting for them to get on the stick about POA's, the final arrangement stuff etc. Each had their assignment. It has been over a year and they had done nothing. They'd pick her up for a day or two, come back and not one second was ever spent actually discussing their mom or saying if they had done a thing about what they agreed to do.
So, hubbie made most of the arrangements for funeral stuff and he went to an atty for the POA stuff (not that she has anything but concern with his brothers caused him to think an atty should be involved). Well, wouldn't ya know... the youngest brother, about 42 y/o, calls up my husband and says he wants to take all his mother's money out of her bank account (hubbie and his brother are both on their mother's acct) and use it to make up the difference he's missing on a 20% down for a house he and his wife want to buy. Hubbie said no. Brother had a temper tantrum saying his name is on the acct so he can. Hubbie still said no. And his brother called him an *sshole along with a number of other comments in email, text and on the phone. Geez! Just because his name is on the acct does not make the $$ his. His brother is much more well off than we are financially... I mean, he has the other 69K in cash already, but wants his mom's few thousand+ dollars. Then his brother said his mom wanted him to be POA of Finance. There was a big fight over that and in short hubbie said, if you want control of all the money, then you're taking mom too. I'm thinking this is why he called hubbie an *sshole.
Anyway, tomorrow we have the mtg with the atty for the POA stuff. Hubbie wants no one else involved. And hubbie and I are looking at Medicaid to provide some respite for us in the form of an adult daycare during the day. But we're still a little ways from getting that going. And we made an appt with my MIL's doctor so hubbie can get his recommendation or approval or whatever for this.
Is there concern if the brother contests the POA for finance at some point? And can we be forced to care for her on someone else's terms?
Had gone to my reg dr. for lab work and it showed a slight sign of anemia. Wasn't cause enough for "alarm" and my dr said to take an iron supplement. But he doesn't know about the mammogram issue....yet.
The mammogram "thing" they saw was rated at a "1" which is something they want to keep their eye on, examine to see if it's pliable or a hard nodule. I was basically told not to worry about it. Having fibromyalgia doesn't help the situation.
I take care of my husband every morning, eye drops, blood glucose, he has costo chondritis which is an inflammation of the rib cage, and the gel we're using is so strong it can cause a heart attack. Husb now feels weak, we have an apt with his cardiologist this weds. He is also missing his left arm at the ribcage from a work accident 25 yrs ago.
I've been having dark spots in my poohs when going to the bathroom. But I also eat berries of some type and think that's what I'm seeing. It's dark, not bright red.
Figured since the topic of Shiite was already on the board, it would be ok to toss up here.
So you can see why "I don't care" is also listed in the statement. We have one Grandson and only get to see him about every3 to 4 mos.
Thanks for letting me post, I'm sorry things are scattered in the details, but that's how my head is functioning.
Maure.