This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Medicaid pays for a nursing home only after all your mom's money is gone and ONLY to her care for the past five years. They look back that long as to where her money went and they want receipts.
Any money your brother stole from the account, would delay her acceptance for Medicaid. That is taxpayer's money and we don't exactly want to pay for BIL's house down payment and pay for a nursing home. Sorry. But, BIL is a jack@ss, but you know that already.
Any reputable attorney can set this straight for you. Mom's money is HER money for her care, and HER care only. I truly don't think the brother has a leg to stand on. Also, Medicaid does not provide for respite, just nursing home care when a person is down to $2,000.
Contact your state's Agency on Aging office and get advice from the attorney tomorrow. Your BIL is full of bluster.
You do not have to care for your MIL in your own home if the spend down to Medicaid is done properly. She can be placed in a nursing home to get the care she needs.
Reddog – If your friend reads here on this site, she will see that There Is Nothing Wrong with placing a parent in a Nursing home, etc… As long as she visits regularly, she won’t feel such guilt. I sure hope her MIL and FIL (parent’s in-laws) are all in good health and have no foreseeable future of needing help from their son (her hubby). It will be hard for her to keep her mom at her home if her family are against it. Especially as her mom continues to worsen in health.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-parent-leave-nursing-home-138005.htm
Iam - Your mom is where she needs to be. It must really be hard for you to see her and then have to tell her she cannot go home. It seems a support group can help you cope with the situation. I had to finally get help myself and I am feeling a lot better. Above all take care of YOU.
Mauvre - It is amazing to me that some of us still have brains that are functioning at all. You are going through a lot right now I am glad that your husband is going to the doctor this week I hope that your health gets better. The important thing for you to do is to take care of YOU!
RU - Yeah, promises promises. I did not have any support with my mom from my brother. The nerve of that brother not doing anything and expecting to take money out of your mom's account. Some people simply amaze me JEEZ. Your mom's money is for taking care of her. Book is right, try to take the BIL's name off the account. Good luck with the POA and take care of YOU!!!
I have to go sign papers so they can open the crypt and get ready for the burial. I am glad I can do it on my own and not have to involve brother. WHEW! I do not know if I told you about the picture with mom sitting on a piano with short shorts when she was 19. Well, we decided that we will use that one and another picture LOL She would have loved that. Gotta go. Take care of YOU ALL!!!
Sorry Red, but a baby monitor would be better. Of course then you would hear her huffing and puffing all night. When my mom lived with us we went the cordless phone route. It has a "call" feature that would connect with our phone upstairs, much like a walkie-talkie. It still was awful - Dreaded the 5 a.m. call. "Are you awake yet?" Argghh!
Now she prefers to get up at 3:45 a.m. for whatever reason (!). Glad she's in an AL and the staff can deal with her crazy preferences. They get to go home after a shift and sleep, and now, so can I. :)
Mom's health seems to have stabilized, for now. Still riding the crazy train with all the requests. Just enjoying this 'rest' stop as long as it lasts. Had a day off from physically visiting. Spent a half hour going through Medicare bills, paying stuff and filing the rest. Then went outside and shoveled snow for two hours and actually enjoyed it! The fresh air and mindless work in balmy 20 degrees felt good! It's almost like meditation, just think about the next scoop and where in the heck you're going to pile it up. Once the convenient pile reaches four feet you have to get creative and move it further down the line = more work. Luckily it was 4" of the fluffy stuff. The crap the snow plow leaves at the end of the driveway is heavy though - Not nearly as heavy as what all of you are putting up with that are full time caregivers! I'll take my snow pile any day!
Tomorrow's my on day, see her every other. Made her coleslaw today, popcorn, meals for two dinners, picked up Activia yogurt, prunes cereal, Depends, yada, yada, yada. You all know the drill. It's always something.
What drives me crazy is my mom's e-cigs. I'm glad she accepted them as a replacement for real cigs. We're in Minnesota where everything is banned. Anyway, she has seven of them which I charge every other day. She thinks the darned things lose a charge even when she doesn't use them! It's a charged battery for goodness sakes! It's her obsession. I'm not trying to borrow trouble, but there is a bill in the MN legislature to ban e-cigs in public places. Geez. I hate this state! They say it's because they come in flavors like bubblegum (???) and children might get addicted to them. What child is going to go out and buy a 30 dollar e-cig and get addicted?
Just nuts. And if they ban those in public places, what am I going to do with mom? It's freaking water vapor!
If it's not one thing, it's another thing.
There's my vent. Nothing as bad as a lot of you are going through right now.
I think of this experience as a roller coaster ride. I'm sure a few of you have seen the pictures they offer when you exit the ride. They have cameras at the scariest points and they take your picture. They're displayed on a digital screen as you exit the ride and you have the option to purchase the photo. People are terrified in the photos! They look at them and laugh afterwards, a tension release.
Well, we're all in some way on that coaster. Many a lot, and I mean, a lot longer than I have been on the ride. It never ends and you're frozen in that photo for longer than you ever expected you would be. That's how I feel lately, frozen in time - dread on the face and the ride won't stop but sometimes you reach the valley to catch your breath. Not looking forward to the next "thrill" on the coaster. I know it will come. But for now I'm just grateful to shovel snow and not be in the ER. :)
Love you all though I don't post much. Just ruminating at my ever expanding belly button. Ha!
"It is surprising how Contented one can be with Nothing Definite - only a Sense of Existence."" by henry david thoreau
Only a sense of existence.....
I have to figure out how to do it first... but I am laughing my ass off here. She already has one picked out, just about one mile from my sisters house. On the main road, (read: my sister cannot go anywhere without passing right by it.)
All these years of my sister weaseling out of any responsibility.
Icing on the cake? My sister also thought she securely had my moms name off her property, but I think she did it wrong. Hopefully this means the nursing home can put a lein on it... because I could never get her qualified for medicaid.
Looking back at, at least two medicaid applications I falsified because my sister had hidden assets from me. Mum was in on the deal... they both think they are very clever. I wonder how clever the attorney I am seeing tomorrow will think they are?
I live about an hour away from my sister, and her two daughters and my mothers great grandsons. My mum never wanted to be in this town, and none of them ever come to visit her.
I think the idea of her being in the NH just blocks away from all of them is so sweet.
My sister is having a heart attack. LOL
EVIL GRIN
To commemorate her 69th birthday actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit AARP. One of the musical numbers was "My favorite things". The lyrics were a little altered for the (blue hair) audience.
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings
These are a few of my favorite things
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
Hot tea and crumpes, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
And we won't mention our short sunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things
then said "she's really gone downhill since she's been living with you!"
now this is the daughter that has come to visit, including holidays, a grand total of five times in the last seven months, all seven for less than two hours (with the exception of the weekend she came and helped me paint my mother's room). She has also taken Mother to the doctor twice.
so she doesnt' have a clue...my mother doesn't WANT to go to AL and I don't want her to either. YES, I am stressed, yes, I could use a break...but it just seems like a bit of an overreaction to 'hey will you come take mom to have her nails done?' to immediately jump on "Let's put the ol bat away! That way neither of us have to deal with her!"
Also, she has been encouraging my mother via the phone to withdraw her money from the bank and give it to her to 'put in her safe' cause the banks are 'fixing to collapse and Obama is gonna conviscate everyone's money'...I am trying to counter her but telling Mother the truth: If Tracy (sister) gets that money, she's going to have HELL getting it back...especially if she wants to give some to my brothers...
ugh.
If you Google Amazon. Then on their Search, "haribo sugar free gummi bears 5-pound bag" . Very Important - click on the item with the Whole bag showing all over the packaging "haribo, haribo, haribo".
Read the very first review dated Oct 3, 2012, statement "Just Don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate"
This was the first one I read and I laughed the hardest:
By C. Torok on October 3, 2012
Amazon Verified Purchase
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
Book, thanks for the laugh this morning..... if I can laugh, I can cope....
I was bored at work, yes, bored, not because I didn't have too much to do, but because the 'routine' is killing me... had made a little hat for a friends granddaughter.... it looks like the hair on the old Cabbage Patch dolls.... so did the first pig tails wrong... made the right ones and was setting there and for those of you who know me.... the mind never rests, so I put tape on the useless pigtails and put them on C's Jack Russell !!!!!!! C and Gene were laughing so hard and the dog was going insane.... yes, humor.... I can do all things all day long, if I can laugh....
Ladeem - WOW, you were that bored huh. I am trying to envision what cabbage patch hair looked like. I can envision the poor dog trying to get it off. Shame on you LOL
Well, I am not doing well a all. Mom did not have life insurance. NONE I am so mad her right now. However, she got a big chunk of money when my dad died. After all I did for her she left me nothing. She did pay for her funeral expenses. Well most of them. I found out that my brother and I need to pay for them to open the crypt and then close it afterward. Well, she might not be with dad for awhile in the crypt. She would not put me on her checking account or her savings account. I came across the pcture that we are using for the services. I almost ripped it up. I am feeling very vulnerable right now. What am I going to do. See ya later.