This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Book .. OMG .. I did something like that, but with some sugar free butterscotch something or others back in my twenties. NO one warned that consuming too many had such ... ahem ... explosive results........ 0.o ......... At the time, I found nothing humorous about it. Glad this guy did, though. I could SO identify!
Had a pretty decent day today. My sis called (this is the bad news), asking if I could spare a couple of hours. Voice all breathy and hoarse. What's wrong, I ask? Turns out she may have pneumonia, went to the docs on Monday, is trying to survive long enough for her new health insurance program to kick in. While she was at the docs they took her oxygen saturation levels.... down to 60 .. OMG, are you kidding? and they didn't send her to the ER?? Yipes. Mostly she wanted to know if I could run to the store and get a few things for her.
Well, sure. Ok. I can do that. Get Edna in an outfit that she can wear in public, trundle her into the car, drive to my sis's neighborhood, pop into the grocery store, grab the stuff, get to her house, wear the gown, gloves and mask I brought with me (cuz god knows I'm not going to contract whatever she's got to transmit to Edna), put away the frozen stuff and deliver the poise pads to my sis's bedside (cuz the girl can't make it to the bathroom in time). Sis keeps trying to reimburse me for the stuff, and I'm all: I ain't touchin' yer money, sis .. it's got what you've got. We'll reconcile later. Arghh. After, I walk back out to the car, still adorned in my care-wear and Edna laughs herself silly.
So, it's an hour and a half later and by now we're gonna hit the height of rush hour traffic (which I detest), so I decide: let's go to dinner. Re-package Edna to the wheelchair, and off to Denny's we go. Edna's eyes totally light up at the menu and she has a t-bone dinner. Good stuff, too. Normally she just chews the flavor out of steak .. this she consumed with relish.
While we were there, another two women were sitting behind us. The younger of the two gave me a wink and a smile as they left. CAREGIVER!! hehehe .. Did you know we recognize each other??? I shoulda known.
Anyway .. 4 hours later, we're back home. All for 4 frozen dinners and a package of poise.
At least Edna had a good time. Made it all worth it.
Last night had a dream that I was being help hostage and had to get away to get moms meds to her! Odd one it was, but I certainly know what that was about!
Momrocker - - I know what it means to be exhausted. {{Hugs}}
Lav - - I liked your little “song’. As for your latest news, that just sooo sucks that your mom had no life insurance! Sigh.. my mom also had No insurance. Nothing. I was a bit relieved that she didn’t. Because if she did, my 7 siblings would have insisted that we divide it Evenly among us all. It would have really really pissed me off since it was father and I who caregave mom these past 22 years. I’m so sorry.
Wantingtime - - are you sure you want sis to take mom out for a few hours on their own? I would be worried about sis stopping by the bank to withdraw money for mom to give to her.
LadeeM - - I had to reread your story of C’s Jack Russell before I figured out the story. Sorry, I thought a Jack Russell was liquor and couldn’t figure out why C and Gene found it funny that you decorated a bottle of liquor. So, I finally figure out that it’s not a Jack Daniels but a Jack Russell. =)
LadeeC - - I was laughing at how far you went to avoid catching whatever your sister has. No, I understand why you did all that. But it was still funny. I feel so conspicuous when I walk out of the front porch wearing gloves to wash down father’s poop off the waterproof bed pad. Drivers passing by must think I’m a germ-o-phobic who has to wear gloves to wash clothes.
Glad - - Don’t you hate it when something so critical, like the furnace, break down and you’re not able to postpone fixing it so that you can find the funds for the replacement? Unfortunately, it was the furnace and it’s your winter. Yeah, it’s great to have the service techs install it. (I swear, I thought you were going to tell us that you were able to do it yourself!)
Not new here, I've been following the posts for quite some time. Try not to let circumstances overwhelm me but recently my frustration is kickin my hinnie. The caregivers on this site have helped me to realize that I'm not alone and that helps give me strength. Thanks you guys for being willing to share your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Have had a hard time learning to share but so appreciate you all.
On a lighter note something many of us can relate to. In a newsletter called "Mighty Nurse" they include some humor in the form of amusing sayings from patients. A nurse was assessing a patient with large breasts and lifted one up. The elderly lady remarked. "I used to be so proud of those but now they are just knee warmers"
FadingS.... happy to see you posting here.... it always makes me think of how many may read but not say anything.... glad you feel comfortable to let us get to know you....
Book, was laughing reading how you were picturing this on a bottle of Jack Daniels.... that wouldn't work, as C would want to drink it...... !!!! Hugs to you
Veronica.... have my 'knee warmers' on, as I write.... thanks for the laugh this morning....
Hope everyone finds one thing to be grateful for today.... it does put the tired and exhausted mind on a different path.... hugs to you all..
LOL Jack Russell vs Jack Daniels. Ever seen a Jack Russell on Jack Daniels, I bet that is not pretty, probably akin to sugarless gummy bears!
My situation will always come back to me knowing how hard some of you have it..... no break for years... sibs not helping.... ect... so for me to set here and try to tell y'all how much I appreciate and respect you, is a lesson in futility.....I have never had any illusions I can do what you do.....
I have shared with you that when people give me 'attagirls' for what I do... I immediately let them know about the REAL caregivers.... all of YOU!!!!! No way am I going to take credit for what most of you do all the time, every single day... and I'm not trying to be humble here... it's my truth....
So, because I can not seem to get it together, can not seem to communicate with my charges or their families... it is time for me to move on.... I have been doing this for 15 years.... and I am fried.... just plain fried...
So will hand in my notice when I get back... will not leave them in a bind.... but I have to do something.... I have more questions than answers right now as to why I keep doing this....
It was like I was standing outside myself watching and hearing me.... I would have fired me on the spot....but I allowed myself to be pushed past my limit...I take full responsibility for last night.... for my part in it all...had so many choices, and threw them all out the window because I am too tired to think rational, too tired to play professional... apparently my body, which is shot, bad back, bad knees, constant emotional drain.... then I need to go....
I refuse to continue to do this.. I just can't do it anymore....
I think we hold on until the last bitter moment for a number of reasons .. it's what we know and are comfortable with, the good effects outweigh the bad, we somehow still feel validated .. and so forth. I had a friend who used to say, "there's no reason to throw good money after bad" when she'd refuse to eat a lousy meal at a restaurant. I never got it, until I realized that to continue putting energy into something that's NOT working (energy = money = exchange) is beyond silly and stupid .. it's draining and useless and insulting (to someone).
You've had a bunch of things tell you it's time. Sometimes it takes a real whack on the head to listen, eh? You haven't really, still, had time to grieve your losses; you don't have sufficient control to be able to do the job you *want* to do; and now your body is screaming, "Enough, already!!" And when we don't feel good, physically, rationality goes out the door. Just don't beat yourself up about it. I'm guessing you're more pissed that you needed to apologize to C, than for your actual actions, lol. I get that. Take care of yourself, my twin. K?
And yes, I am going to snuggle down on these precious two and half days off and take care of ME..... with my 'knee warmers'.... not think about anything, read and snuggle with the Diva (my cat) and pretend I'm a princess...
Love ya'll and thanks for the support.... I need that too....
Take care of YA'LL.
However, based on movies and the Long Island Mediuam shows, you have 2 options. You can call a priest to bless your house and give the "soul" a peace. Or according to Long Island Medium, it may be your mom's spirit letting you know that she's there with you.
If you opt to believe that it's your mom trying to let you know she's there, when the incident happens, let her know that you are aware that she's there with you. You can also ask her to please not make a mess - now that you know she's there.
Or if you want to be like me who grew up with spirits both in the house and on the land who try to catch my attention... then pretend you don't notice anything. No matter what they do - like call your name loud and clear or yell "Hey!" at you, just pretend you hear nothing! Me, I'm a scaredy cat...have always been since I was in elementary age. Automatic reflex. =)
Father's words to me just before I changed his pampers tonight (remember his words are directed TO me): "It hurts to be stupid." ... Yep, I'm stupid for ordering 6 bottles of his favorite herbal supplement. Darn if I do (order 6) and Darn if I don't (why you only order 3? You know that I take 4 pills a day!)
I'm going to hit the sack early tonight. I can't stand the sound of his voice tonight...
I am usually going to bed by 930 or so. That is late for me and I am exhausted. My day starts between 530 and 6 each day, mom is up visiting the bathroom, then usually back into bed. But once the trips to bathroom start they are every 15 or 20 minutes. No more sleep for me. She was just up, did not go to the bathroom, just wandered around for awhile a sign that she is terribly confused this morning. Great way to start the day.:'(
have a great weekend everybody!
Glad - You are lucky that your mom appreciates you so much. It must be awful for her to be confused. I used to hate that about my mom. She was always sharp as a tack. I would always just want my mom back. It is hard to wake up and hit the ground running when you have only a few hours sleep. Yow sound like you are on a bathroom marathon. I hope you have your running shoes on. Take care of YOU!!!
Well, I have been working a lot on the house and have thrown out a bunch of stuff. It is crazy what my mom accumulated in 51 years of living here. I have spent a lot of time on the computer lately. My brother and I cannot afford to bury my mom at this time. She was cremated last weekend and we will be having a funeral mass said for her. She paid for everything except the opening and the closing of the crypt. $650.00 for that. Now I am choosing the songs and the scripture for the mass. Mom wrote down what she wanted. So that is easier.
I do not think my brother has any idea what I did for mom. My brother asked me if I was going to look for a job I told him that I am owed a vacation that I have not had I three years. He did not say a thing and he just looked at me. Well, I have more stuff to go over so it is off I go. Take care all.
The reason I moved in is that the cigarette smoke from my new neighbor is triggering my asthma...I'm trying to break my lease....
I have the entire lower level to myself so that's good and when she takes a nap i can do whatever I want and have peace and quiet...when the PCA arrives pretty soon, I feel SO RELIEVED!!!
I guess this is an adjustment period...does anyone have ideas on how to set some ground rules that work for both of us...she acknowledges we need rules and my therapist wants me to set boundaries or I will continue to do whatever she wants and go nuts...!
Thanks for listening.
My mother got on my nerves, too, when I sold my house and moved into hers. It didn't get a lot better initially when we then sold her house and moved here with my partner, who'd sold HIS house too (all very complicated) - for a time everything she said or did gave me a nervous twitch, the poor woman couldn't do right for doing wrong. Yes, it's about adjusting, also being fair and reasonable and recognising what she ought to feel free to do in her own house, after all, and what you ought to feel free to do your own way. Just as examples, maybe:
don't be messy in her part of the house v. she can tell you NICELY how she likes things done
don't hide away from her v. she shouldn't expect you to be at her instant beck and call
she's entitled to have her house run the way she likes it v. you're entitled to an opinion about your home, too
Don't know if this would work for you: I realised I was beginning almost to shun my mother whenever she didn't need me to do something, so - this is about three years ago now - we made it a general rule always to eat dinner together as a family. It means you get normal, social contact built in to the day too; I found it improved my attitude, and mother seems more herself as well.
If you see yourself being there only for the short to medium-term, you can lay down ground rules that will mean a certain amount of teeth-gritting on your part. If it's going to be permanent, though, go further into the detail, be flexible, keep adjusting (again, that goes for both of you) and remember that her dependence is likely to increase - be very careful that you will never end up thinking "aha, revenge is sweet..!"
Also, some things you can't compromise on. I love curry. She can't stand the smell, it makes her feel sick. Next time she's away I'm having curry breakfast lunch and dinner! - then airing the house for the next five days.
If the money is the answer find another way to get the cash.
If it is genuinely to help your mother think of how you are going to manage this and not go crazy. Your therapist is right you do need to set some boundaries but also remember this is a job you are being paid to do. What are the most important things your mother wants. It sounds to me as though your employer (Mom) wants things done a certain way. What's wrong with that? Discipline yourself to think after you move anything and be tidy in her part of the house you can live in a pig stye downstairs if you want. Where the rules come in and they must be agreed. For example she wants the laundry done on a certain day and folded her way and some things ironed. Sorry you do it her way, she is the boss. As far as doing things the second she wants. Answer her immediately and either do it or tell her why. Not feeling like jumping to the bosses orders is not an acceptable reason for ignoring her. When she steps over the line tell her immediately that you did not agree to whatever she wants. It sounds as though she is still reasonable but obsessive compulsive and your messy ways are really disturbing to her especially if she has dementia.
I know I don't sound very sympathetic but you have taken on a job and need both the income and accommodation, no one is making you do this you have other choices which the majority of caregivers do not have. If you are not already prescribed a tranquilizer or antidepressant now is the time to talk to your Dr Have you discussed with the other caregivers how your mother behaves with them and how they handle it.
You should be able to break your lease because your apartment should not be able to be filled with another tenants tobacco smoke. leaving aside the fact you have Asthma it presents other health hazards. Maybe your Dr would be willing to write a letter to the landlord explaining the reasons you can no longer live in the apartment. Stop paying your rent it will cost him more in legal fees to take action against you. You should give him the notice your lease requires usually a month and expect to pay that last month. Do not expect your security deposit to be refunded and don't try and say it is the last month's rent, it is not and will antagonize a landlord who otherwise might be sympathetic. Best of Luck