This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Hi all - Mom's memorial mass was yesterday. It was beautiful. My brother and I both spoke about her and we both told a story about her sense of humor. I made the mass program and of course I was the one that got everything done. myself. It was worth it. My bother stopped by the house on the way home and he was in his control mode. I know he is worried about my future and so am I but let me have a rest first. PLEASE give me time to grieve. I have to tell you a story. Mom had everything written down that she wanted. The readings the songs and just about everything else. Well, I was talking to the Vocalist and she recommended Ave Maria to be sung. I remembered mom loved that hymn. She told me that one time she went to a concert at the church. The young vocalist sang Ave Maria to her mother. Every time mom talked about this she cried because it was so beautiful. It turns out that the vocalist was the same woman who sang the hymn at the concert. It WAS beautiful and I know mom was looking down and listening from heaven. After the ceremony everyone was talking about it. It cost a lot to have the music but I know I did what mom wanted and that gives me peace. After my bother left the house I went and put on my pj's relaxed and took a nap at 2 pm and I woke up at 1 am. It was the best rest I have had in a while. Well, later I have to start on the house. It looks like Huuricane Katrina and Sandy paid a visit. Well, Ya'll have a great day and take care of yourselves.
On the bright side at least Mom's not having a panic attack!
I guess she's not the only one acting like a child today...
Mom has a lot of days like this but this time it sounds like she came close to falling. She lives near me in her own apartment. She only tells me things and is not open to any advice from me. She might talk to strangers though. I have mentally resigned from trying to really help her since she refuses everything. I can't even get in an utterance of Uh, wow, really...she gets mad and says, "Can I talk now?" And then she rambles on like a machine gun.
Question: should she be having some outside help? How can I help her if she always shuts me out?
I feel like I am waiting for the worst thing to happen, which I guess at 92 is inevitable. Any advice?
Meanwhile, hug her, hold her, let her know you love her enough to support her decision .. whatever it is.
What a lovely story about finding the organist who your mother had heard do this song years ago. This is truly a blessing for you and your mother. I'm sure too,
that she was watching, very proudly, and thankfully.
Quite insensitive of your brother, to have this "get on with it attitude," just after your mom's passing. Yes, now it's your time to have for yourself. So happy to hear also, that you finally can also rest.
A great big hug,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Again my tongue is bleeding...Deep breaths...... Aaahhh...
How would she feel about nannycams connected to the internet so you could check in on her a couple times a day. You may even consider a system that you could talk to each other, I'm sure there is such a thing.
Judda - They are going to do what they want to do. They just want to live their way for as long as they can. My mom did not want to go to the doctor either. But when she said that she wanted to go to the doctor or the hospital I said lets go.
Margeaux - thank you for your post. My brother went into this mode the day my mom died and has not let up. I just want him to stop this. He was very insensitive at the service. He was sitting right beside me and I tried to hol his hand and he did not respond. In the mean time I am working my ass off trying to get the house empty of the stuff my mom accumulated over 51 years. All he does when he comes over is tell me what to do. As you can see I am very hurt right now. Take care
Since Christmas, same here with the counselor sibling, though the other has taken mom to church almost every week! Incredible what someone (guardian) watching over her will do!