This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Allison... so good to see you!!! Good thing it doesn't snow here.... it would be piled up around my door so I couldn't get out... I wipe asses, not shovel snow... hope you arm feels better soon.... and ya my batteries change their hiding places all the time....I keep my scissors in my bag with all my crochet stuff... they stay put because it is warm in there...
Ya Book, it is past time really, but I know its right, because it feels right... I am past exhausted and being worked into the ground... but unlike the rest of you.... she is NOT MY MOTHER....I will miss Gene something awful.... maybe if it ends on a half decent note I will be able to go visit him ..... I think a YEAR is sufficient time for them to find me a back up..... but why bother, she is stupid and will keep showing up.... NOT.....
Hugs across the miles to you all.... keep your asses warm....
On the other hand I have found that the best way to find the keys I lost yesterday is to lose my reading glasses today...
LadeeM - I am so glad that you took care of YOU!!! I know that took a lot of soul searching on your part. Take care!!!!!
ABB - Sorry about your arm. I hope your brother follows through also. Take care of YOU!!
Windy - Jeez I am glad that you killed that sucker. LOL I hope you get some relief soon. Just an inch of snow paralyzes this city. We did have a problem with ice though. Take Care of YOU!!
Veronica - Have a good one. Take care of YOU!!
Book - Good to see you here. take care of YOU!!
Hi - I am still going through mom's stuff. I found a box I thought was jewelry and in it was a thimble, paper clip and a brooch. Poor mom. What she must have been going through in her mind. She would not have a good day unless she knew where those things were. It must have been scary for her to be so confused. I know she is in a lot better place now. But, I wish that I could have had more sympathy with her about what she was going through. Just thinking about how hard I was on her makes me cry.
So, you did it? I cannot imagine refusal to purchase the right size diaper! And someone will suffer for their decision, probably you until your last day. I guess the wine was more important, and I imagine it is Gene's money? Never ceases to amaze me and I would definitely call APS, just the wine expenditure ans no diapers would be enough for them to look at the situation. Seems the too small diapers should wait until after your last day. Let them deal with the over the top problems that may occur. ;-)
Of course it became all about HER.... she felt the biggest problem was her, not that she wouldn't get me some back up or fix it where I was not working 6 days a week... I did not take the bait.... I didn't reassure her, nor did I validate it.... a lot more poor me from her, then she asks if she found someone for the weekend would I reconsider... that is her mo... wait until there is a crisis , THEN do what was asked of her a year ago.... a YEAR people... I have been asking for a 'backup' so that I could take a day here or there... so tonight it was a great idea she had!?! Just makes my brain tired.... anyway, as I would not argue or take the bait she just got angrier and angrier......
So the dirty deed is done..... three more weeks and then off to my next adventure..... thanks everyone for your support... it does mean a lot to me....and Glad, the family has been told about the possibility of APS being called.... so we'll see what happens next... and you are right... she thinks she is going to make it hell for me.... but have also told the family that I will not stay and have her take it out on me.... so it's up to her...... thanks again everyone....Hugs to you all...
You worked your rear end off for years. You deserve a break.
Love ya girlfriend,
Suzie
The point I'm making is that the nursing home option does NOT equate to failure. If you're running out of steam, start looking for a place now while your husband still has some kind of input into the choices, and you're still sane enough to manage the setting-up of a good support framework for him - and for you.
Physical and mental health have equal importance. If he is ill enough mentally that you are no longer strong enough to provide care then this is the time for placement. as with the patient the physical and mental health of the caregiver have equal importance. When you love someone like a spouse it is important to do what is best for both of you and only you can do that. Don't wait for a crisis when the best decisions may not be made.
And Austin... don't think I would go so far as to call me a saint.... I am certainly not that.... I do have a temper, and I have been setting on it for months now.... I despise injustice to an elder... I despise neglect in any form.....I just need a break... and would love to have the money to take off for a few months.... I couldn't have a boy toy Veronica... couldn't bear for him to see me naked.... LOL
Ahh, just have to do the right things for the right reasons... something will present itself in my life.... I'll know it when I see it.... love to you all...
Glow - Welcome to the most loving website ever. These people here are the best. When I was at my wit's end they saved me. They listened and gave me the best advise. Also, there are professionals on this site that will answer any other questions you might have. The most important thing for you to do is to take care of YOU as best you can. It can be as little as taking a bubble bath or taking a walk. There are breathing exercises and meditations and all kinds of simple things that you could for yourself. What I learned from here is that if you are not taking care of YOU. You will not be able to take care of your husband.
I got home with the shopping, and it was on the back seat because mother's wheelchair was in the boot, and it was pouring with rain, so instead of going round the car to open the other door I knelt one knee on the seat, and it's her horrible tinny French tat hatchback because I had to sell my lovely old BMW because she couldn't bear to part with her Citroën and I couldn't keep both, so there was no room to speak of, and I reached over and hauled. Beginner's mistake. Ow.
It has made me unusually crabby with mother, unfortunately. Mainly because my back is telling me IT"S ALL HER FAULT. If this doesn't wear off soon I'm in big trouble.