This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Good for you Lav.... its a shame some people don't know when to stop pushing.....until we are red faced and in my case, using all the words I know that make people blink their eyes in disbelief that I said that outloud... if you are going to be stupid and keep coming at me.... ya deserve what ya get.... TAKE CARE OF YOU....
Hugs to everyone
As for getting paid for Sundays....You're damn right. Of course! No doubt. And make it double or triple your rate while you're at it. And as for time off, you don't ask for it, LadeeM, you DEMAND it. I agree as well, if these f**kers don't get their heads out of their asses sometime in the REAL near future, I'd sic the dogs on them, too. Report away! I would, in a skinny second. There's no excuse for these losers. As for the potty mouth, well, it's better than homicide. :D
Lav, you've just suffered a big loss. Don't let anyone push you. I live in my mom's house and I couldn't stand having to leave it right now. My memories of her and my dad are here, her presence is here and I want and need that at this point in my life. I would be highly resentful if someone pushed me to move. It would probably be war. As for the wife, well, maybe she just doesn't know what to do. I'm not making excuses for her, but maybe she really just isn't sure what the right thing to do is. Personally, if I had a sister in law and she came around pawing through my mom's stuff I'd take her head off. I wouldn't want that and would make it clear. Maybe she's afraid of doing the wrong thing. Can you talk to her?
As for the tears, Lav, I wonder the same thing myself. I find myself blubbering at the oddest times out of nowhere. I'll be driving down the road (we rented a car for now) listening to some good old rock and roll and the next thing I know I'm in tears. I still sleep with my mom's old sweater sometimes. I know that sounds childish, but I can't help myself... It'll get better, Lav. It's got to. Why are you moving if you don't mind my asking? Why not just stay in your mom's house?
Take care you guys...
Everyone grieves differently. Yes, I personally feel a lot of sadness and grief when I think of my mom, but not for the huge loss I suffered, but simply for what I'll never know from a parent...acceptance, love, caring and a sense of being a child that's cherished and valued by a parent and appreciated for myself. I didn't know what that felt like with either of my parents and I never will. My mom was an extreme narcissist. As a kid, dealing with her felt like growing up in a crazy fun house where that scary clown with all the sharp teeth from Stephen King's movie 'It' was going to pop up any minute... *twitch* The first thing my mom taught me was fear. The second thing, anger. I've felt fear and anger throughout my entire existence. I would be a liar if I said I really missed my mom. There were times she could actually seem human, where she laughed and actually acted like a normal human being and that's what I miss about her, that person. But my mom as a whole, that rabid dog she was my whole life? No. Does that make me a bad person? No. Even as a kid I knew my mom was whacked and felt sorry for her. When she'd beat me bloody sometimes I felt such extreme anger, but I also felt pity for her, that she felt such a need inside her to do harm...I think the pity is what saved me from becoming a monster.
Yeah, I cry. Yeah, I feel sadness. Yeah, I feel grief. But do I MISS that insane roller coaster that was life with my mom? No. Do I miss being verbally battered almost daily? No. Do I miss being physically abused? No.
Besides, what's 'normal' anyway? What's normal for one person isn't necessarily normal to another. As long as I personally don't stoop to harming others, or hurting anyone, or abuse, I call myself 'normal' even though I know that in some ways I'm just plain weird. But I like my kind of weird, so to me, I'm 'normal'. ha ha Not feeling extreme misery at saying good bye to an abuser doesn't seem at all strange to me.
I won’t ever forget you, mom. I wish things could have been so much different between us. I wish we’d never fought, never reduced ourselves to such ugliness.
I wish we would have been close. I wish we could have gotten along. I wish we could have showed each other love. I wished for so many things to be different, to no avail. We were destined to be oil and water, you and I.
I’ve always been sad that you never seemed to know peace, mom. That you never seemed very happy. That you were always so angry and dissatisfied, that there seemed to be no comfort to be had for you. I hope that you have that peace and tranquility now, mom. I hope you have your family around you, and dad, and I hope that you’re finally experiencing that love and peace now, in a better place.
I couldn’t wish for more for you, mom. Love and peace. Forever.
Reddog, you might try writing to your mom, too. It helps. *hugs*
God, how I detest alz and dementia and what it does to people. If the disease suddenly manifested itself into something solid and physical, I'd rip it to shreds and beat it to a bloody pulp with my bare hands.
I can just see love in all your actions, the things you endured and the strength and ability to survive.
I think you do feel grief you just deal in a more proactive way. SA with your letter to you Mom and Red in the way you are able to reach out to others.
A psychologist would probably say I am full of s**t but that is the message I hear.
You will both be able to deal with whatever life flings at you and show empathy for others while you weaker sisters are throwing themselves off a cliff. Love to you both.
Good you are taking her to the doctor. Could be something as simple as a UTI, but they sure manifest in a variety of symptoms in elderly especially those with dementia. Hope the docs figure something out that will relieve her anxiety, and as such help you get much needed sleep.
the one thing I remember the most after he got home, and it still breaks my heart to think about it.... when I put him to bed, he asked me to stay because he was scared......let me explain the lay out of this house.....There is a main house, livingroom, dining room and kitchen, a bedroom and bath....then there is C's room joined to the rest of the house with decking, about50 ft from the main house.... then on the other side is Gene's room joined by a ramp, about another 50 ft from the main house... in other words... Gene is completely alone at night.... even if he had a way to contact her during the night, she would never hear him, as she will NOT wear her hearing aids.....so every night I put him to bed and stay with him awhile... until he relaxes and goes to sleep.... none of the family seem to think this is strange or dangerous....ya know, it's always been this way kind of thinking.....
So when he was in the hospital, when he would wake up during the night, there was always someone about....so he felt safe....
And no, I won't walk off.... if it ever comes to that, I will call the family, they live in Austin, and it would take them awhile to get there, but I would never do that....now don't get me wrong... when she is at her worst, I do go outside and smoke.... or take the dogs for a walk.... there is a lake behind the house, I go down there with the dogs until I can regroup.... sometimes I just walk outside and breathe... regroup and go back in..... but I am starting to walk out more and more when she starts her crap..... first of all, I don't have to listen to it....and my biggest concern is that one day I am going to blow and tell her EXACTLY what I think of her.....but my body language pretty much tells her that... that and the look on my face.... I am very clear that I owe this woman nothing.....and I don't owe Gene anything either, but him, I love.... but he is never ugly anyway.... I did have to set boundaries with his old lecher self at first... him pulling my scrub top down to look at my boobs..... ect.... that didn't take long to correct....and now it is deep respect and love we have for each other....I have learned to not pay any attention to her angry glares when him and I are talking and having fun....she is simply this annoying noise in the background... ya know, like a radio that isn't on a good station....can I keep doing this... no.... but I will make sure he is safe and in good hands....
I walked in yesterday.... she is setting there in a short sleeved shirt complaining that's it cold... she couldn't get up and keep the fire going because she had the dog on her lap.... yep..... that's the crap I hear from her everyday... they do have a heater going, so while the house was not steaming like usual, it wasn't cold.....
I got Gene his afternoon snack... got him comfortable, went out and got kindling... took the dogs for a walk, THEN I restarted the fire..... my name is Ladee, not ' Stepnfetchit'...... a southern term for slavery......of course she was fit to be tied... so what.... not my problem she wouldn't get off her lazy ass and put some wood on the fire... about 8 steps from her chair.....
I no more believe they are looking for someone for me to take off Sundays.... than the man in the moon.... but I live my life by the standard of having no regrets.....and I am working on pure emotion when it comes to her....so trying to detach from her and do what is right for Gene..... keep in mind.... I will get a reference from the son and dil that I have bonded with... but C knows a lot of people and can ruin my chances for another job..... I am angry and frustrated, but not stupid....
And by the way... I got diapers for Gene and will add it to my pay....there are ways around her... just because she says it... doesn't mean I'm going to do it....Only God knows how this is going to end.... and I could not be doing this with as much grace as I am without all of you supporting me.... I could, but it would be twice as hard... and I am not a martyr.... I have a temper and a mouth....but I will not leave Gene until I feel he is safe in some form..... I'm getting a lot of experience here also.... if I can work for this bitch, I can work for anyone....
Thanks again....and I think Mother Nature is PMS'ing.... this weather is nuts.... up in the 80's, then down in the 30's three hours later... and I am tired of setting on a cold toilet seat and wearing socks to bed.....
More on the STORY as it unfolds... thanks for being here for me.... hugs, angels, and chocolate....
So please, you took the risk of sharing your past...and are still welcomed with open minds , hearts and arms....we are here for you.... you are not alone.... hope to see you back here real soon.... lots and lots of hugs, even if they feel uncomfortable....
Chrissy, I read with sadness the changes in your mom. I'm hoping, like Glad, that it's UTI?
Ladee. It's like you're between a rock and a hard place. Or darn if you and darn if you don't. Decision, decision... {{Hugs}}
As I was driving to my newest clinic (due to a different insurance), I wanted so badly to skip the mammo. As my appointment time passed by as I waited in the sitting room from 2:20 to 3:00pm, I was trying not to cry (did have tears in my eyes.) I swore over and over that this was the last time I’m getting a mammo. Lastnight, I read a recent thread on mammo. I liked what JeanneGibbs said about it. “General rule of thumb: if you won’t do the treatment, don’t do the test.”
When the tech came out and called my name, I just sat there. After the 3rd time, I raised my hand and got up. In the room, I told her that I fainted before and that I tend to whimper. She took her time to make small talk with me. I practically rushed to the darn machine and tried to rush her so that we can “get it over with." She refused to be rushed. She stood there and talked and talked. Finally, she said, "Breathe." I looked at her, and I didn't even realize I was standing there holding my breathe. She helped me to breathe normally and not hold my breathe. Several times, she had to stop and remind me to breathe.
When she was squashing, she did it Manually and not used the machine to do it. She manually adjusted the squasher little by little as it gently pressed down. When she was ready to take the xray, I was soooo amazed that it was NOT THAT PAINFUL like all my previous mammos. After the 3rd xray, I asked her if she's sure that the xray will come out okay because all the ones I went to, they really squashed me so hard that I was whimpering in pain and fainted. She told me that one does not have to press it down to the point of it being very painful to get a good xray. And that is why she Manually adjusts the machine. Yippee! I FINALLY now understand how some people (when I googled) said that it was not painful. It really, really depends on the technician! And…if they are sadistic.
{{{chuckling}}} I did scare her. After the first xray, I was so apprehensive of the expected pain, that when she raised the machine off, I was soooo relieved it was not painful, I got so lightheaded and found myself falling backwards. I quickly grabbed the machine to catch my fall. She saw it and I heard her gasp as I was falling backward. I told her that I was fine. Just relieved that it wasn't painful at all. It just felt as if I was being pressed down and no pain. And that’s what she said her aim was – to press down but not painful. Now, let’s hope that my results come back as status quo – “think it’s benign.” Because she said that if they find something and need more xrays, that my insurance will not cover it at all. I will be forking it out 100%.
So, can't wait to hear what the plans are.... but at least one of the sons knows how I feel and what I am going to do if they don't do something about Genes neglect... I don't give a happy damn about their history.... the man is not going to set and that chair and fade away if I have anything to say about it...
I have some very serious things going on with my son.... I do not have the energy for this.... I am tired.... I want this to be done.
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Parisians also have rules for their underground system. However, these have been distributed with a little more sophistication – via an online ‘politeness’ manual released by the Paris transport authority to ensure civility prevails at all times.
Called the ‘Manuel du savoir-vivre à l’usage du voyageur moderne’ – or ‘politeness manual for the modern traveler’ - it lists 12 ‘commandments’ for Parisians to abide by and comes complete with quaint sketches to illustrate the points.
The online guide, which was drawn up using suggestions from the public, is split into four categories – ‘helpfulness’, ‘courtesy’, ‘manners’ and ‘politeness’.
The rules insist that Parisians must offer help to tourists ‘in Bermuda shirts with a metro map in one hand and the other hand in their hair’, hold the door open for passengers behind them – and greet the driver.
Travelers should also understand, the guide states, that ‘the huge crossed out cigarette on the platform is not a work of art but a ban on smoking’.
‘It's worth losing two minutes of your time for a good cause if only to hear the [foreign] passenger struggle to pronounce [the metro stops] 'Trinité d'Estienne d'Orves' or 'La Motte Piquet-Grenelle', it says.
The key no-nos are not playing music too loudly through headphones, resisting the temptation to stare for a long time at beautiful women and holding back from starting a fight with someone who’s just stepped on your toes.
Loud phone conversations should also be avoided, old lady’s bags should be carried up stairs, armpits should be covered by arms and not exposed to the carriage – and handkerchiefs not just used to wave someone off with, but to sneeze into (“keep our germs to ourself”.)
Last but not least – the Metro is not to be mistaken for a lavatory.
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My AA sponsor told me many years ago, that with my personality, people were always going to be throwing rocks at me because of my passion for what I believe in.... and I know there are families, on this site, that I could work for and it would be a win-win situation for all involved....I keep saying there is a bigger lesson here....still in the middle of all this, so not sure what the answer is.... but me keeping my mouth shut is not an option.....
One of the really sad things to me, is, I am not trying to be a long suffering martyr here..... I'm not trying to start problems..... and I don't think I am wrong for wanting a good outcome and safety for Gene... but am being made out to be the bad guy here for bringing things to light..... not feeling sorry for myself... would do all this again in a heartbeat.... but there is nothing wrong with me wanting quality care for Gene.... how can someone end up feeling like a used up old shoe, when I am simply trying to be heard....
Going back to bed until time to get on the 'hiway to hell', so tired of thinking about all this mess..... hugs to you all.... and even in all this mess I can still find many many things to be grateful for...
I was interested to read how you dealt with gene's old letcherous ways. Just the way I always did. a quick slap on the wrist stopped the wandering fingers. over in a second while others screamed "Sexual assult" and had an inquiry to face. No big deal or" I wouldn't fry any food dressed like that" or the very best one a friend's mother used "I've seen better in the morgue" One 85 year old would not get up fast enough so I pulled the covers off and there was a large you know what so I threw a pillow over the offending appendage and he laughed and said. "I haven't had a woman in five years" All in a days work!
Ya, just waiting for this to unfold and hopefully some awareness with the kids that this is much more serious than they want to acknowledge....I'm pretty sure they are afraid to fire me at this point.... they know I have APS in my back pocket... fix it... that's all I want them to do... so I can not worry about Gene while I am on my next adventure...
I'd like to get into a new hobby, something relaxing and enjoyable and I just discovered these little fairy gardens. I'm really interested in this concept and have looked into doing one in a large pot for the front porch. Also, I'd like to turn one of my flower beds into a fairy garden as well. It's fantasy, it's cute as hell, and the little tiny items that you use for the gardens are amazing. I'm really looking forward to getting into this in the spring. I thought I'd make my neighbor a small fairy garden as well. :)
If you guys have never heard of a fairy garden, google it, and google fairy garden supplies, too. You'll fall in love.
Ok, sorry about that...carry on... lol