This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
LOL ladee! Thanks for the hearty laugh. Love your sense of humor.
SA, I just changed my avatar to one of the little fairy gardens I made two years ago. It's such fun putting them together and a great way to relax and just forget about everything else for awhile. I keep them over for the winter in our basement and let them go wild last summer. I'll need to redo them all this spring, and let me tell you, I am looking forward to it.
Watch out when shopping for the little doodads though. That tiny stuff can add up quick. Like ladee does, I make a lot of stuff out of Fimo clay ( the kind you bake in the oven) and sticks and cool rocks and pebbles.
Have fun! :)
I know it's the dementia but it's a little manipulation too!
I was out shoveling for 3 yrs and she's not happy that I wasn't in here kissing her butt.......
I read you post about narcissistic people. I know you still feel the pain and resentment but your writing was so much more objective. So good to see the healing begin.
Ladee M time to stop threatening and take action. They still don't believe you or take things seriously. Having dinner to put their heads together. Utter crap they just wanted an excuse to get together for a nice meal. They think they have you and you can't afford to loose this income. They won't fire you that would be far too inconvenient. If you are working more than 40 hours a week add in double time for the extra hours, that should get their attention. Hey you are so grateful for the job you would never think of asking for extra pay.
C may know a lot of people in the area but it sounds as though she is too idle to do much harm.
When I started my last job I was per diem to start and was told my mileage would not be reimbursed. I told the executive director that if I was not paid I would not take the job. They paid me very poorly and I later found they were paying an LPN $2 an hour more than me. I did get the mileage.
It's a funny old world but if you don't look out for yourself no one else will. Hope things work out with your son.
Tomorrow we have to be at the hospital at 6.30 for hubby's second cataract. the snow seems to have stopped and the drive has been plowed so I think we should be good to get there. It's only a few miles anyway. I hate having to drive him because the instructions never stop. I can't believe how little I know after driving all these years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ladee, that comment made me lol, too! Good one!
V, thanks! And truer words were never spoken...if you don't look out for your own ass, nobody will. When it comes right down to the wire, you're all you've got sometimes. Hope the hubs does well, V!
Take care all...Hope your day is a peaceful and quiet one, free of hassles.
Veronica and Rosemary make great pine trees when they are small. You can prune rosemary into a deciduous looking tree as it matures. Some of the little sedums spread quite a bit to form a nice ground cover. Oh and polka dot plants are so cute when they are small and the different types of miniature ferns. I'm fortunate that moss grows freely in the stones on my real patio. I use it for pathways and lawns. Can't beat free! Also be sure to go rock hunting outdoors, and pick up a bag of pea gravel from the store.
Most importantly, make sure your container has good drainage. When it's (finally) hot here and the little gardens are outside, I water daily.
Can you tell I'm EXCITED about this? LOL Cabin fever craaaazy!
Not sure why but maybe all my bitching to my sister is finally paying off but she is talking or emailing me daily about my mom. I know she is 5 hours away and can't really do hands on. I've told her need to give our brothers a dose of reality because they are in denial. I wrote an email to all three yesterday with all the changes of our mom. I think a reason for my sister change is her in laws that live across the street from her are starting to decline in health and she now knows what I've been doing all alone for years.
I was wishing for a snow day today but it was a required day to be at work last day of the month for month end paperwork...took me an hour to shovel snow with my already sore arm...somehow i survived was daydreaming of being on a tropical vacation
Hmm... But the good thing about this - hiding the Current Activity - will mean that I spend less time here on AC since I will just post what I have to say, and not get lured to read that interesting question that popped up on the right side box.
Book, I agree. The new update sucks. I don't like it. :/
And re-read 'Stop All The Clocks' - Auden's poem. I'm so sorry, the world must seem very alien to you. It will get less sore. Give yourself time. x
PC123, enjoy your snow day! We got some snow here in NC where I'm at a few days ago. It was gorgeous and I totally enjoyed it. :)
There are many "Golden Girl" type house situations developing all over the country. Expenses are reduced significantly when there are roommates. If you like the place, and the memories it holds, Lav you need to try to figure out a way to stay, or you may grieve the loss of it as well.
So this is where I am today.... I have done all I can...the family is more than aware of Gene's neglect.... if something happens , it's on them... so the plan is to TALK to her.... that hasn't worked so far...so as I see it, I am only enabling them to not take responsibility..... quit date is the same as far as I am concerned.....unless I change my mind and move it up....
I feel very defeated this morning.... but it is NOT my responsibility to get that family on track and not kill Gene....I'm taking a break for a few days here.... I need to grieve what could have been.... thank you all for the love and support..... I wouldn't have lasted this long without ya'll... love and hugs to everyone.....
The website is frustrating, I do not like the ads on the page either. But there is a shortcut to the current discussions. Click the "Caregiver Support" tab at the top, then you will find current discussions on the right hand side, just as they used to be. It is a hassle though to not have them on each page. But I guess the advertisers need to have their space as well. After all, they fund the site.
Good luck and keep plugging in there! Hugs..
I just noticed the private post as well. One reason my wall is private is because of siblings maybe reading it. Some of the things that I have written and received hugs from others would really piss sisters off, but now I will reconsider, just don't see how keeping entire wall private vs specific messages is going to be an advantage.
What I really want is the ability to delete and edit some of my own posts.
I don't know how I'm feeling lately... My emotions seem to flip flop a lot these past few days. I try not to think about my mom too much...I know that sounded awful...but she slips into my mind anyway. When I think of some of the really rotten things I've said to my mom I want to dig the deepest hole and crawl into it just to get away from myself. The intense self loathing I feel sometimes for just how low I stooped with my mom, the horrible, evil things I've said I almost feel sick...After my mom literally lost her mind and couldn't fight back I never yelled at her, never said anything but soothing words. I found patience that I never realized I had, found more compassion than I ever knew I was capable of... I guess those are good things so I don't feel too badly...but when my mom was in her right mind, I hit her with everything I had in me...not physically, verbally. I never hit my mom, even in the vilest of rages. Lucky her that I found such restraint.
When my mom was in her right mind it felt like she got off on trying to torture me mentally. As I've said, when she got something stuck in her craw she just didn't let up. She would literally flay me alive verbally every single chance she got. After moving in here, there was no escape at all in the house. There was no place I could go, unless I left the house, to get away from my mom's verbal assaults. She could literally, and I wonder if people even believe me, go on for weeks and months. My mom could hold a grudge so damn long that by the time she let her anger go I had no damn idea what she was angry about to begin with...I had completely forgotten what had set her off that time, or maybe she was onto something new to be pissed off at, I didn't know.... I tried to tune her out for the most part, I tried again and again to walk away from her, I tried in so many ways, including telling her flat out that she was driving me insane and that stopping the rancid verbal torrent she was drowning me in would be a REAL good idea BEFORE she drove me round the bend into a flat out rage.... I would calmly explain that she was about to royally piss me off and that maybe dropping it and changing the subject would be a really good idea because after MONTHS of listening to her verbally bashing me I could feel the beast within me starting to stir... I didn't want that beast to come out of me. But she just didn't get it. She had no idea what she was about to unleash. I had to get really, really ugly with my mom to get her to see the light. I had to get evil myself to even get her to notice me. I can't explain that any better. In my mom's mind abuse was her God given right.
I begged to differ. I can't count how many times I said 'Old woman, if you dropped dead in front of me right now I wouldn't give two shits". I meant it in that moment, too. I wouldn't have cared at all. I would have danced with glee when she would just push and push and push me without mercy for so damn long... I just couldn't control my damn temper no matter how hard I tried. And God, did I try. But I couldn't. As soon as I lost it, as soon as my mom managed to push me over the edge, her entire attitude would change. All of a sudden she went into martyr mode. When she would push me with endless verbal assaults for months, saying really degrading and nasty things over and over and over again until I wanted to blow my brains out just to get away from the sound of her voice, and I would just SCREAM at her that I swear to God she'd die that night if she didn't shut up, she got real quiet. She had no clue why I was angry. She missed, for months, the signs that I was seething and doing a slow simmer. She missed that when she'd hurl some ugliness my way that I turned my back without a word and walked away...too many times to count. She missed that totally. She missed when I was literally hiding to avoid her. She missed when I wouldn't initiate conversation and made absolutely no eye contact. She missed every sign that she was just going too damn far. And when I finally lost it, when I just couldn't contain the anger anymore, she was simply seeing a rabid animal attacking her for no reason. In her mind, I just went nuts one day. No reason. Just went bonkers because I'm a loony mental case that needs to be locked up. She threatened that a lot, calling the guys in white coats and having them put me away. To her, my anger was just something that manifested out of the blue for no reason she could think of. She didn't get at all that I'd been doing a slow simmer for months on end, trying to bite my tongue, trying to avoid conflict, trying to avoid anger and the unleashing of it...I tried so damn hard to contain that anger, but with my mom it was absolutely impossible. When I let go my anger it was a force beyond my control. As soon as she saw me like that, she would tell me what a lousy piece of shit I was, what a mental case, what an abnormal freak because I was such an out of control, raging beast. She just didn't get that she'd been poking and stabbing this 'beast' for weeks and months with a poison stick. To her, I just went off on her out of the blue for no reason whatsoever. SHE didn't do anything, of course not. I mean, what the hell was MY problem? **headwall** I never figured out how to control my anger and temper with my mom. She would act so pitiful and sad and forlorn when I'd go off on her, act so innocent, like 'what did I do to deserve this?' I would just goggle at this transformation in her. It blew my mind. I mean...what? I mean, did she NOT realize how badly she had been hammering me and not realize just how long she'd been at it? I mean...what?
There was no winning with my mom. I failed so many, many times. God himself couldn't have gotten along with my mom when she was in her right mind so there was no way I could have. And I wanted to. I just didn't know HOW. I didn't know what to do, how to be, what to say, what to do to get along with her, and God knows I tried so damn hard, but I always, always failed.
I'm about tired of failure. I want to win and succeed in all I do this next half of my life for a change. Please, God. The person I was around my mom, the evil bitch that I had to become just to survive her, is someone I never want to see again as long as I live.
Life will be good.
:)