This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Anyway, I have a problem. I'm afraid I'm going to blow money when that land sells. I am absolutely obsessed with a leather living room set I saw on Amazon. I sit here sometimes and I just stare at the picture of it. I think about it when I'm not online. It's nuts. I've never obsessed over a piece of furniture in my life. Now, out of nowhere, this leather beauty, this furniture that is just so damn beautiful you can't look away from it, this absolute vision of bliss that literally makes your heart pound from sheer and utter awe of it's existence.... Yeah. You know. That kind of feeling. Has anyone ever experienced this with any material thing? Something you see and you MUST have it in your possession, come hell or high water? Yeah, that's how I feel about this ridiculous living room furniture. It's stupid. I shouldn't be sitting here sighing and drooling over furniture, a place meant for your ass. I shouldn't be fantasizing about how good that stuff is going to look in here on those two tone bamboo floors I'm thinking about.... I should be thinking about conserving and saving.
But I'm not. At least, not with this stuff. It's like I'm going to get it and that's that. Even though every single time I look at the price tag I choke. I've never bought anything like that furniture in my life. I'm mentally rubbing my hands together and cackling with glee that I'm going to have my dream room. And I'm cringing and squirming, too, with guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
I know why I have the urge to spend money. Because it's been so damn long since I have spent any money on myself. When I say we were literally dressed in what amounted to rags at the end of this journey with my mom, I'm not kidding. Then there was the whole thing with the lights being out... I feel this incredible urge to DO SOMETHING GOOD for myself. At first it was a cruise. Now, I'm not going. I'm going to forgo the cruise in favor of the furniture. It about the same cost. And I plan on going back to work sooner. So, I alleviate my guilt some.
I need this house to be MINE now, in spirit. I am keeping some things, lovely things, of my mom's, but not much. I never liked my mom's tastes in things. I don't dig plastic flowers much. lol
I need this. I need something. This'll about do it.
Monday - I am there with you. My mom and I had some bad times but all I seem to remember is her sense of humor and being very loving. It sounds like you and your mom had a wonderful relationship. That is one thing you can hold on to. It has been month since mom passed. I am going to a grieving group right now and it is helping me. Have you thought of that. Sometimes we need to step out of ourselves and listen to other people that are going though the grieving process. Take care of YOU!!
Book - I just noticed the change on the website. LOL Oh well, I guess they have to pay for it somehow. Take care of YOU.
SA and Glad - I do not really want roomates like Dorothy, blanche and Sophia. Especially the ditsy one. NO THANK YOU!! I never thought that I would live here for long after mom died and its okay. Getting rid of the crap that is in this house really makes me want to run screaming down the street. It is just too big for me and I am a loner. I like being by myself. Take care of YOU!!!!!
Well, I have been doing things all over the house and I am not through yet. Every room will take a week or more to clean. I did get rid of some nice glassware by giving it to the people who do the lawn. LOL I was just going to have to pack it up and bring it to a thrift store anyway. I went an looked in the Den and had forgot that mom had collected around 30 tea pots. Jeez!!!!I am also going broke taking Jazzy to the Vet. Her blood work is almost as much as mine is. Now, I have to give her 4 medicines, two liquid and two pills. She wiggles and moves her head and I cannot get her mouth open and when I do she tries to spit it out. I think she gets more on me than in her mouth. The pills are better because she does not salivate with those. Well, I have to go get Jazzy some treats. Maybe if I give her treats after the meds she will be more cooperative but I am not holding my breath. take care everyone!!
Still trying to catch up with the world.
Ladee ... ***hugs*** ... hun, you already know what I'm gonna say, so here's a tiny bit of strength to lend to help you push on through it. Love ya and chocolates.
SA .. pampering yourself sounds like a good idea to me.
Ev'body else .. *hugs* .............. *goes for a breathing treatment*
My Mom's become increasingly needy and whines a lot! I really want to say to her that it's not easy for me either! Listen Mom I quit my job to stay home with you. You have 5 other children who never call or visit. I'm doing the best I can!!!
I really know the answer! It would just make matters worse. She already wakes me up at ungodly hours having panic attacks!!
I just needed to get it out!! Thanks...
It's not just that part that's hard. It's having to watch a vital human being being turned into...someone else... It's watching someone getting weaker and weaker, watching them die for a long time.... It will rip your guts out it's so damn sad.
Who wouldn't be in a bad mood sometimes? Like I've said before, there's no easy street in care giving.. Don't beat yourself up much for your feelings, or at least try not to. We aren't saints, and the crazy emotions are a normal part of all this...
AA7, been where you are so many times... After awhile you just go on auto pilot from lack of sleep... Oh, the weird things I've done thanks to sleep deprivation... And all you can do is the best you can. I think all of us are a little super human considering all that we have to deal with, we almost have to be. It takes a whole lot of strength, mental and physical, to do what caregivers do...
Take care you two... *hugs*
(((HUGS)))
I love the idea of the leather couch. Why not go and check out something similar in a local store so you can be sure what you are getting. this is such a big purchase don't risk being taken in with a beautiful picture as in "never judge a book by it's cover" you have earned it.
ABB, so good to see you sticking your head in from time to time..... getting over that mold thing has probably got you so wore out but happy to see you are trying to get some sense of yourself back.... it's hard to do while we are in the trenches....but you know I'm sending you chocolate to put in your juice.... lol... love and hugs....
Austin, again so happy you have found a partner that is good to you.... but this is my idea of a good relationship for me... A knock on the door on Fri evening.... open the door a crack and a while pay envelope slips thru.... and we tell each other... see ya next Fri..... !!!!!
I have been alone too many years after my divorce... the very idea of having a man around just makes me tired thinking about it.... but you wanted one and waited a long time for this great man.... so you know I am happy for you... most here have no idea what that crappy hubby of yours put you thru... so for you to find this happiness makes me happy for you....
Good news about the lady working on Sundays..... too tired to go into it tonight.... worked an extra hour and a half while C watched the Olympics opening and steady bitching and being negative the whole time...my brain is fried.... so will catch up with ya'll tomorrow.... hugs, angels, chocolate and something else, but I forgot.... lol....
But right now, quiet is very good..
V, yeah... I do relive things sometimes.. I hope you're right, that with time it'll fade... I hope so. No, hate is never a good thing. It just eats you alive and I don't want my time consumed with bad thoughts and vibes... I hope those days are over..
I've searched every single furniture store around here, V, and there is nothing like this furniture on amazon anywhere, not even close. I've found plenty of leather living rooms but nothing like the one I'm in love with. Plus, they're more expensive than what I like on amazon, too. The furniture has gotten great reviews, so I'm going to keep my fingers crossed... :) Look up Coaster tri tone leather love seat, and the Coaster button tufted tri tone leather chair.. You'll see why I'm drooling. lol
Robynll, amen. :)
Happy thoughts!!! :)
Do you really think your mom would want you to give up on life because of losing her? As a mother myself, I would NEVER want my son to feel that way. Your mom wants you to remember her, honor her, by living on and being thankful for the gift that is this life. She did not give birth to you for you to want to die.
Please, dear monday, seek out some grief counseling. I feel you would benefit greatly with some guidance through the process. That is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength. I wish you peace of mind.
Honestly, this sounds like something beyond mere grief, almost as though you view your mom as a part of yourself that's died and you're giving up because of it. People die, Monday. I'm stating the obvious here, but you're not alone. Millions and millions go through the kind of grief and pain you're dealing with. They certainly came out on the other side of this intact, and so will you. Would your mom want you to curl up and die without her? I seriously doubt it. She'd want you to go on and remember all the good times, remember her spirit with love and fondness, not utter misery. You won't be disloyal or a bad daughter if and when you wake up one morning and the pain isn't as bad...it doesn't mean you're forgetting it means you're healing, as it should be. This will get better and you'll find another purpose in life. Again, it doesn't mean you're leaving your mom behind it means you're doing what countless billions have done before you...moving on, not to forget, but to heal and keep LIVING. Your mom lives through you. If you don't go on, neither does she in you.
I don't know if I'm saying that well... Hang in there... *big squish!*
Oh, google Pomsky if you'd like to see something really cute. A new little designer dog breed that's come out. I would love to have one of those little beauties but not for the $2500-3500 price tag. :S
and they also say it is when you are not looking that something will happen. I'm not looking either. This job I and others are doing takes every bit of energy I have! I would not know how to date and be a caregiver. I suppose I could clone myself. LOL! And while I am at it clone x 2 so there is another that can make some money.
Cleaning my apartment and shuffling through old papers, tossing out old items, wiping down the shelves, rearranging the pictures, it all made me feel more centered and ready for the future. I have barely an income, my bills are piling up, I am searching for a job, applying for senior housing... seems like time is well spent making way literally for a new life. I am ready to move on, and inside room for positive change has been provided for.
I am lucky my mother is relatively independent so I could do this. Do you all try every day to do something for yourself and to connect with your inner joy somehow? I can really tell when I don't do this. I get nervous, frustrated, and grumpy. Even my body rebels at my bad mood. And conversely, taking a little time to do something calming, the body says, "thank you! Ahhhhhhhh!"
I've decided not to go with leather furniture. I've found something else at a store called 'Furniture from home' that I like even better. It's the Rue De La Gare living room set. It appeals to me greatly, very beautiful, feminine almost, cream colored, with soft golden, cream and amber old world style pillows. Unfortunately, it's the same damn price as the leather. :S Ah, well.... I'm only getting the couch and one chair...there's a chaise on Amazon that I must have...
I know it sounds greedy, doing this shopping, but this house is OLD. Our carpets in the dining room(ugh, carpet in a dining room) and that other room next to it, don't even know what to call it, are over 30+ years old. The carpet is worn to the floor boards in some areas. The dogs...and my mom...crapped and peed on it too many times to count.. It's got to go. I hate even putting my feet on that carpet. God knows what's growing and mouldering in there... We have no dining room furniture, nor do we have any furniture in that other room. If I spend money I go for quality, things that last for endless years, not cheap crap that falls apart and has to be replaced... And then there's the bathroom remodeling that has to be done...the tub in the first bathroom is over 30 years old as well...it's got grime embedded in it that no amount of scrubbing or bleach will remove. I refuse to take a bath in there it's so revolting, so the remodeling must be done... it scares me. But there's no way we'd even get close to what this house is worth tax wise without updates if it were ever to be sold, which I doubt... I love this place though. And when I'm done with it I'll love it even more. Then I go back to work to try and save what I'm going to have to spend around here. lol Such is life.
Later ya'll....hope the day is a good for all of you!
If you like mahogany (the cabinet sounds like it could be?), and you've got nothing against antiques in principle, don't forget you can get good solid furniture for a song at auction and then spend your budget on having it re-upholstered, right down to the frame so you've got no worries about inviting beasties into your home in the stuffing. Gives you a free rein on fabrics. Just an idea!