This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
SA - Hey go for it. I am hoping to do the same thing. Now you can get what YOU want. It sounds great and it is great that you are so excited about it. Now, it is time to live your dreams. Take care of YOU!!!
Hi there, I went to a mass that was said for mom yesterday. My brother went too. One of the songs they played was one of the songs that was played at mom service. the song was the Prayer for St. Francis. I was crying but I feel it is a cleansing experience for me now. We had to go to the same church where bro and I went to school. There are a lot of bad feelings from when we were there. My brother and I were both bullied there. Bro was the bookish type with glasses and I had a cleft lip and palate. Mom and dad did not know how to handle it. Until yesterday I did not realize how angry my brother still was. I guess that is why there was no love for my mom. He really needs to let it go. I am sorry I am going on about this but it sure does answer some questions. I am still having a problem with the cat and her meds but it is getting better.
Please take care of Ya'll.
Except of course this situation with my job.... but that is different to me... not liking C has nothing to do with the 'bigger picture' except that I will learn something from it all....
Realized today that I have been having this excruriating pain in my very lowest back..... OHHHH wait, that is C being a pain in my ass.... let's see, exercising restraint and biting my tongue will help that problem...LOL
The new lady starts today... and in spite of C not wanting me there... I will train her so that she can find things she will want to tweek or change that fits the situation.... nothing is written in stone..... except for our headstones... and I want mine to say.... " She had no regrets"..... or " Bite Me", haven't made up my mind yet....
It's going to be a good day... I found a clean pair of panties... yehaaaa, don't have to do laundry until tomorrow....
love and hugs....
Hang in there.
I think I know why I'm such a basket case lately. When I was caring for my mom I couldn't afford to acknowledge my stress level. I couldn't afford to think too hard about how badly I really just wanted to crawl off into a quiet hole somewhere and just...hide. From everything, everybody, and especially from responsibility and guilt. The urge to just break was so strong, but I couldn't break. I couldn't allow my shitty mental state to rule me. No matter how bad things got, I had to get up. I couldn't afford to pull the covers over my head no matter how badly I wanted to do just that. No, I had to ignore my stress, ignore my exhaustion, ignore my absolute frustration, ignore my resentment, ignore my crazy heart rate, ignore everything and shove it into the back of my mind so that I could just get up and do what I had to do. I couldn't ignore my mom if she had a need no matter how much I might have wanted to just sleep or rest.
I feel like a decade has caught up to me at this point. It's like every stress and anxiety, every bit on panic when something was wrong with my mom, all the worry, all the sleeplessness, all those things I ignored before have now dog piled me. All that stress I didn't allow myself to feel, couldn't allow myself to feel, I'm feeling now. Like a delayed reaction kind of thing almost. It's crazy. Is this normal?
This furniture thing has become yet another problem. I have huge guilt about this expense. I added that furniture up, the living room I'd like and the dining room and it's about 8 grand. I feel almost faint when I think about it. On the one hand, I need something to feel good about. That might be justifying a dumb decision but I can't seem to help myself. I mean, really? I've never dropped a hunk of change like that for any furniture. I have nice stuff...but not that nice. I'm feeling really squirmy about it. I'm not sure I should be spending like that. After all, I do have one full room of furniture here and really, it's all we need. On the other hand... I'm flip flopping so badly on this. Spend/save/spend/save...? It seems obvious...I should be saving... lol
And Monday, what V said... I hope your day is a more peaceful one... Just hold on... Right now, dealing with my mom's dog...yes, her dog, not mine...is quite painful for me... Reba is about 17 years old and showing her age... Still, she acts like a puppy sometimes, too... It's hard dealing with her because I associate her so much with my mom... It's painful. I have such a need to disassociate with her and here's the dog, following me around all the time, reminding me of my mom all the time... It's complicated. But yeah, we all grieve badly, horribly... Different reason, same feelings...
I was just saying SA I agree with CM about the beautiful new furniture if you are going to continue to have animals in the house.
Now about that dining room carpet. It is an old house so the boards underneath should be wood not plywood and maybe able to be refinished. How are you with DIY? you probably won't be able to get the stains out of the boards even with bleach but give them several good scrubs so at least the smell is gone. Rent a floor sander and buy the sandpaper in the grit sizes they advise. Get plenty they will take back any you don't use. start with the heaviest grit - the lowest number and sand away.carefully remove all the baseboards first Work with the length of the boards. A sander is heavy and tends to run away with you till you get the hang of it, but if a little old lady can do it so can you and it is too heavy for me to get in and out of the car. Stand back and admire. Stain it a darker color than the pee stains. Buy the most expensive poly you can find about $60 a gallon one suitable for a gym floor or marine grade. Give it at least three coats lightly sanding in between. get the sander for a week end. Wood floors can also be painted and either type stenciled round the edges. Total cost about $200. A professional will charge about $1000. choose a warm sunny weekend so it dries quickly
I had one house done professionally and when I saw how easy it was did the next myself. Places like Lowes and Home Depot will tell you how to use the equipment and have classes and then there is the DIY chanel on TV. I don't do electric or plumbing. I think I could learn the plumbing but bath tubs are too heavy to manage.
if you have an old claw foot tub in the garden they can be sandblasted and refinished. Ceramic flooring is also pretty easy to do once you know how. I would not start with expensive tile but a nice floor at 59 cents a sq ft is doable.
look for good solid furniture and refinish that yourself nothing ornate that is too difficult to sand . A few cans of good quality spray paint and you have a set of dining chairs even if they don't match. Square drop in seats are very easy to recover yourself with a yard or two of nice fabric and a staple gun. Head for the garage sales a beaten up solid wood table with a few paint splatters from someones barn can become a treasure. If they advertise furniture go half an hour before they open. If they won't haggle then leave your number and go back later in the day Flea markets and rummage sales are good too if you see some thing hang on to it while you think about it. you can always put it back but if you leave it it will be gone.sorry if you already know all this but i have a lot of fun refinishing furniture you can always replace with better as finances allow.
Devil: You know you want that furniture.
Me: Yeah, I know...
Devil: Well, get it! Think about how gorgeous it'll look sitting on that new floor you're getting...
Me: Yeah...I can see it already. *gets dreamy* Damn, that's amazing. I've never seen such a gorgeous room... **stares and drools in awe of that kind of quality**
Angel butts in: You can get something decent for a lot less and throw an awesome higher end throw blanket over it and jazz it up....save a whole lot of money and you still get something really nice..
Me: Shut up. Just shut the hell up already! I'm getting that damn furniture! It's as good as mine, got it?? I'm taking it! I'm buying it and that's it! Stay out of this and don't even start...
Devil: That's right. You're going to take it. You're going to have it. Think about it. That furniture is going to be sitting RIGHT HERE for you to enjoy every day! You're GOING to have it at last! Yay!!
Me: Damn strait!
Angel: Really? Ok, well, enjoy your nice expensive furniture when you don't have enough to pay the light bill... **flits off**
Me: **bubble pops and reality sets in" Damn. Damn. Damn.
V, thanks for the advice and suggestions, but I'm not much of a DIY-er. I have no talent in that direction at all. :/ It sounds like a whole lot of work right about now though. The last thing I need at the moment is more work or frustration. I don't have any experience doing those things and probably be better off leaving it to professionals or buying what I need for the least amount possible.. It's nice to dream though.. lol
Don't have a whole lot to add to comments at the moment… except I will say that there is a DIY video on the internet for anything and everything you could ever imagine. Its a whole lot easier to do stuff watching a dozen others do the same thing in tutorial videos. That is one major blessing of information age. The downside? These videos give you confidence that you, too, can turn that old thing into a treasure. I've learned that it ALWAYS looks easier than it is.
Reddog, I might be mistaken since I don't have good history of your situation, but sounds like your MIL is having problems eating, controlling her movements from bowl/plate to mouth? My GM had that, and it would frustrate her and so she wouldn't eat enough if she felt embarrassed. Again, I don't know if this is your situation, but how I solved with my GM was to buy a lot of "toddler" foods. Literally food items for toddlers that can be easily picked up with clumsy fingers, AND they are usually fortified/enriched foods as well. Just a thought.
Things are going sorta steady in good direction, I'm grateful. Sending hugs to all.
In my whole 15 year career I have NEVER been accused of any kind of abuse, much less sexual.... I am still reeling ya'll.... still hasn't sunk it... but I did quit... I have no idea how I made it thru my shift.... and she was being so nice..... I have such a deep frown on my face as I write this.... and the suggestion from the son... ' just let it run it's course'...... he really didn't get it what a serious accusation this is..... and why I would not continue to put myself in this situation.... all I can do is shake my head.... it will take me a little while to process this....
I did not tell her I wouldn't be back.... emailed the family, let them deal with her... I owe that woman nothing.... not one single thing.....
She managed to take the only reason I was there away from me.... I didn't interact with Gene like I usually do.... was not going to give her any more to accuse me of..... when I put him to bed, it took everything I had to keep it together..... and all I could do was tell him how much I love him.... wasn't going to tell him what all was going on.... tho it is my understanding that the son talked to him about this..... and of course he told her nothing happened.... she supposedlely 'walked in on us'...... I did not want to hear one more word of that lie....
I probably am not making any sense.... still haven't let it all soak in.... but here is how I feel about this and about her..... when people show you who they really are.... believe them..... I'm going to bed... my head is killing me...
My heart aches for you after all you have done for Gene to keep him safe and happy. What a bunch of creeps and dysfunctional weirdos.
I'm glad that you are done with them. You have been unhappy for quite awhile. Wish you and your heart of gold lived up here in the frozen North. You'd be the first person I'd want around to care for my mom, and just hang around with as friends. Love you darlin'. Sending YOU chocolate and angels.
Everyone thinks of you as the strong one here. Honey, just lay down and know we're here for you. Sleep for awhile, if you can. We'll take on the collective madness and angst, in shifts, preferably. :)
And I have been questioning when would be the right time to leave and got my answer..... I have never walked off a job in my life... even as a teenager...but the way I'm looking at this.... it's a great big pile of dysfunction that has nothing to do with me....but I have not one single regret... not even the chaos that is going to ensue to get them some help tomorrow night.....you don't accuse me of something this serious and expect me to give a big happy damn how it gets resolved/
We all know I can be crazy, but it's fun crazy, not hurt others crazy.... and I am definitely going to sleep... then it's getting my ass out hunting a job... I may be strong, but I am not rich.... damn it.... lol
I am flying on absolute blind faith right now... but living in a card board box is preferable to spending one more minute in that crazy situation....
Here's what I got out of the deal... an awesome beautiful friend named Stu, and the experience of Gene.... so no matter what , I am the winner here.... I've never been accused of not being able to make a stand when need be.... I will have some peace of mind tomorrow as they are scurrying around trying to fix the mess she caused this time....
I am grateful for my time with Stu and Gene... I have no regrets and there is a plan for me... so , I can sleep with a clear conscience tonight.... don't know about the rest of them.... not my problem....
And I wished you lived closer to ME.... what makes you think I could do all that snow.... you know what a 'Suthen Sissy I am..... but getting to have a cup of coffee with you sounds awesome..... maybe someday.... but in the summer.... lol... thanks Suze.... love ya bigger than the sky...
I understand quite well the difficulty is listening to her repeat the same things over and over. Her world has become very small, so she has very little to talk about. I like the suggestion in the previous post that for Mom, she is telling me something new for the first time. I will try to remember that.
I pray every day for patience. Tonight I yelled at her. My husband's name is Jack and she thought it funny to call him ' Jackass". I know that can be hurtful to a man who has welcomed my mother into his home and does so much for her.
So, I continue to take her bagged diapers out to the trashcan in the morning, comb her hair, help her pick out clothes, take her to doctors' appointments, cook and clean for her. I somehow feel that that is the least I can do. What is hard is when she is not appreciative but instead feels that she is entitled and deserves to be waited on.
My lessons learned in caring for my mother at 89 are many and I hope to remember them when I am her age and not repeat them.
There should be a patron saint of caregivers, maybe Mother Theresa who cared for so many with love and patience.
I will keep you all in my prayers.
LadeeM, wow... to be accused of sexual inappropriateness is really really awful! I think you did the right thing in quitting immediately. Who knows what else C would think to accuse you of as you try to finish off the 2 weeks leading to your termination date. You know what I think about C, don't you? To me, it just clinches my theory. Father is so nice to me in my face, but behind my back, he complains to everyone (even the govt caregivers) about me. Sounds like C is going through that, too. The family needs a wake-up call that their parents are no longer capable to live by themselves. All well, you Tried to tell them several times but it just goes in one ear and out the other. I hope C doesn't turn around and accuse you of "stealing" from her. Every item that she can't find will be blamed on you since you no longer go there. Hopefully this does Not happen....
Teacher - my sincere sympathies! I don't know how successful you will be on trying to get your mom to stop calling your hubby that. For Years, I have tried to stop my father from saying "Pussy good." whenever he finds things going his way. I even called him a "dirty old man" yesterday when he said it... and do you know he reacted to that? He Laughed! He thought it was very funny. He KNOWS it's wrong and he loves to say it. I think, your mom, may be like my dad in saying it to just piss you all off. I Try to not let those words bother me.. but there's only so much one can ignore before it just makes one snap.
I got a call from mammo technician. They got my previous mammos from the other clinic. They want me to come in and do a Special view and Ultrasound. I had to wait until I got home to Google "special view mammogram." Okay, I guess since it's a new clinic, their doctor just wants to make sure my "think it's benign mass" from the previous readings of the other clinic - is just that - benign. I'm going to text SIL and ask her what kind of cancer my first cousin is currently fighting. Cousin had to go off-island for chemo treatments.
I brought my work home to try to reconcile the darn credit card charges of 2013. I didn't reconcile for years and as I was closing the year 2013, I do NOT think that being off by $25,000.00 is right! I don't even know how to reconcile a credit card statement. I Googled the info and have a vague idea. I need to try to reconcile so that the boss can close the tax year. Later!
Book, it's going to be benign. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. God couldn't be that cruel as to give you such a worry on top of everything else... Here's hoping all will be well...
Red, yeah, the choking thing... God, that used to scare the living hell out of me. My mom did choke, badly, a few times... Never have I been in that kind of panic in my life. Once, my mom's lips actually started turning blue and right when I was screaming at the top of my lungs for my boys to call 911 she started to take easier breaths again... God, when she finally started to breathe normally, I actually cried, would go into my room after she was breathing again, and just sob my freaking heart out. I hated that for her so much. I just felt such a sense of impotent injustice that my mom had to go through some of these things and how awful that must have felt.... I would hold her and hug her and tell her it was going to be alright.. but then I'd be in my room and I'd just cry... It's like I almost couldn't contain it, the pain of having to watch this kind of thing, and so many other injustices... I hated it all for my mom. Having to watch a person choke one time is traumatic. Having to watch it again and again is torture.
Teacher, we do the best we can. We're human. We're going to get impatient sometimes, we're going to get snappy....I know I did with my mom...but we do our best to have patience at least 98% of the time and that's about the best we can hope for down here...
Book - it was good to see you here. I hope everything turns out well with your tests .Take care of YOU!!
LadeeM =- What can I say? I think you were asking for a sign and you got one. I cannot imagine how surprised you were. Oh my God!!! That must have been the hardest shift you ever worked. I am sorry about Gene though. I know you will miss him as much as he will miss you. Lots of hugs and lots of chocolate/ Take care of YOU!!!!!
I am very concerned about Jazzy today. She was in her hiding place this morning which means that she is not doing well. She did not eat at all yesterday. I have to call her doctor later. I am praying so hard for her. She has not felt well for a long time. Take care ya'll.
I hope Jazzy...a pet?...is alright... Dealing with my mom's old dog is hard, too... She feels her age a lot more now....I think it's some kind of doggie dementia... It's almost like dealing with my mom... I have to keep a close eye on Reba now... I hope all turns out well...
*Hugs to all of you guys*
My moms favorite bird was the Cardinal... many times in my life, when things were crazy, I would see a Cardinal.... over this past week, everytime I would go outside to smoke... I would see three cardinals... even yesterday afternoon.... so I saw this as a sign that things would be ok... do what I needed to do...and I also choose to believe one of them was a message from Stu....
I am devastated at this accusation... and it will take me time to be able to understand that this is C in her craziness.... and yes, telling Gene goodnight last night.... took everything I had to keep it together.... knowing it would be the last time I would see him..... but I couldn't tell him what was going on.... how cruel would that have been.....him and the dogs.... life just sucks on some days.... but I still have a lot to be grateful for... so when my mind starts spinning on what a crazy old woman is capable of... I will, instead, chose to be grateful.... that would be giving her too much power to live in my head rent free... love ya'll and thanks for the support.... from the bottom of my heart.
C is headed for the graveyard of rusted out cars, even her brain is no use to science it is too warped. Love and hugs
And knowing her the way that I do... this was a ploy to get the attention OFF of her and her neglect and drug abuse, and on to me....and how much more serious than accusing the caregiver of sexual impropriety.... that's just how nuts she is.... I don't think the family believes it... but what would have been next... stealing??? and the list goes on...
And here is the absolute bottom line.... I owe this woman NOTHING.... I can only imagine the chaos going on right now at that house of horrors.... the kids wanted to pretend all was well so they wouldn't have to deal with this and all would be well...
And I don't even care about a reference from this crazy family..... I did ask for a weeks severance, but doubt I get it.... after all, then that would make THEM accountable.....
So only the family and the walls will know how this was resolved...because she REFUSED to get a back up they are in a major bind right now.... the kids live in Austin.... not an easy commute for them.... ask me if I care.... I didn't create this mess, but sure as hell got out of it......
I do know I am going to sleep until I can't.... then I am going to get out my clay and make something beautiful and meaningful. Unlike the last year of chaos....
Again, I do appreciate all the support... this accusation has thrown me for a loop, and some of it is still surreal.... sooooo, nap time..... and chocolate has no ill effects on me except for 'once across the lips, forever on the hips'.... hugs and gratitude.....
How about a few hersheys kisses or cadbery eggs. When i was a kid i belonged to the cadberry club.I can't remember what they did but it was very exciting to get a letter in the mail once a month from Colin Cadberry whoever he was.
Perhaps you could drop him a line, Veronica?