This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Sleep your heart away. Create beauty. Take a break .. you've been wanting and needing it. *hugs and chocolate* lots of them!!
Was going to add something about him selling out and being one of the !%. I thought it was Hersheys they sold to.
Don't even mention corporate greed and coruption I get that rant in daily mega doses when my husband gets going. This morning it is giant companies poluting the groundwater.
This from a man who spent his entire career working for big Pharma and got fired from three of them for refusing to sign off on dodgy research and almost bankrupted us.
Ah well the sun is just comming up in a blazing red burst but it's minus something and tomorrow we get buried again.
Though I do understand how very expensive principles can be. The warm glow of virtue is all very well but it doesn't actually help with the heating bills.
I got a call yesterday from the dil I can't stand.... now keep in mind the main character here.... Ladeestepnfechitcynicalandjaded........is on guard..... hmmm. wonder what this is REALLY about....Dil making sure that Lsfcnj understands the NONE of the family believed her, oh no, not for one moment...... and everything was fine until Ladeestepnfechitcynicalandjaded said something about her drinking, the drugs, and the toxicity this is doing to C's body and brain..... silence here..... dil trying not to get angry..... Lsfcnj is waiting .......many minutes of abject denial, blah blah blah.... double talk and avoidance..... Lsfcnj NOT listening...... THEN..... please hear drums making that noise they make in horror movies when the killer is about to pounce......she asked me to come back and help out until they find someone else.... OK, it's time for the audience to laugh and laugh.... along with Lsfcnj......
Lsfcnj tells her she has to think about it...... close up of a big smile on Lsfcnj's face...having given the dil false hope, like they had done to Lsfcnj all along, Lsfcnj hangs up, lights a ciggy, laughs so loud she scares the cat..... then Lsfcnj gets angry and starts crying..... close up of Lsfcnj's face with sadness and bewilderment......
That's what if felt like to me... that I was in some grade B movie with bad actors... all except for Lsfcnj of course... that bitch is real and believable....!!!
So, after asking for months for someone to come and work on Sundays so I could have two days off, NOW..... NOW , after the most hurtful accusation is made, NOW they want me to come back and help out.... does this example give ya'll a clue about what I have been working with for over an year now....????
So a long letter of 'F**k You All' ,is coming together in my tired little demented mind....I am going to have my say.... not that they will hear me, or try any harder to see that Gene is taken care of.... but to get it OUT..... for ME.... carrying around resentment and anger is like dragging a slimy bag of chicken guts behind me everywhere I go.... it leaves a nasty trail and it stinks....
So, to my precious appreciated caregiver friends.... this is not done.... not yet.... but see, I have something they don't have....a conscience awareness of what my place is in the world.... to them this is all just a joke, a temporary lapse with C.... but have to wonder if these accusations were made of THEM on their job, would they be taking it so lightly....
So, as this boring story will be continued..... I will be taking naps, eating chocolate and talking with my friends who really do understand...
I appreciate you all..... would already be in jail if for not knowing that at the end of the day, I had a safe place to put this crap down... and be validated..... no one understands the job we do...except for another caregiver.... hugs, angels, and chocolate.......
I knew they would want you to come back. And you set foot there, you would be starting all over again. My bet is that they will come around and give you all you have asked and more. And you, because you have a conscience, and care for Gene, will begrudgingly go back, to the same nonsense. Do you have a care agreement in place with them. If you consider going back, I would make sure that you do, that includes benefits that you want as well as hours you will be working including expected, and very rightfully so, time off!
Maybe you should try a bunch of those liquor filled chocolates, with a drink!
No , I won't go back..... because the pattern for these people is to wait for a crisis... which in their world, means ladee 's had enough.... makes a scene, and they run in and put 'bandaids' on things..... just enough to shut me up.... no, nothing will change... C will still be her hateful self.... and how could I go back in there knowing this woman is capable of this kind of accusation....
No, the family gets to deal with this..... they will never believe me... so they need to see it and experience it first hand..... THEY need to be inconvenienced for a change..... let me ask ya'll something... if you had a paid caregiver you could count on and trusted... would it take you three months to get someone in for a Sunday so this person could have a damned day off????? Or would you just blow her off and keep adding work that has nothing to do with her job description..??? Would you trust her when she tried to bring health concerns to your attention??? Or would you just minimize it because you didn't want to be bothered??? Or would you talk down to her like she is a hysterical overreacting mess???
Glad, I do not live my internal life in chaos..... in nonproductive conversations about serious health matters....I do not see the 'glass half empty'.... I am not a Pollyanna, am not naïve.... but there are serious health issues going on with both C and Gene and I am totally ignored or they try to make me look like I am overreacting.....
So NO... Gene is in Gods hands, I love him, but it has taken me a very long time to get to this place of letting go.... He will forget me.... and that is ok... I get to remember... and that will be cherished forever....I think the family has had the privilege of not having to deal with the mess out there for too long... it's their turn.....not because I want to be RIGHT, I just want them to be taken care of... have some quality of life....but it is time for the family to step up now... because they could not be bothered to address things as they came up...I have to get out of there for my own health and sanity....
So, since they all know everything.... we'll just see how this turns out....I won't be there, but my fav dil will keep me posted.... I feel bad for her... she is an absolute sweetheart, and will do her best to make sure all of Gene's needs are met....
The thing about me that most people don't realize until it's too late... is I will go a long ways to do the right thing for the right reason.... but when I am DONE, I am DONE... because I have put a lot of thought and prayer into my choice..... this was not easy, but what about life's hard choices are ever easy....
And I would never trust C again... NEVER... Being a paid caregiver is a hard job... we have to wear so many hats, be a psychologist...a nurse, a peace maker, cook, bottle washer and barmaid.... and the list goes on.... so when my primary reason for being there is so distorted by being accused of sexual impropriety.... then it is way past time to move on....
I won't sell my soul for a paycheck.... and ya'll could be putting jars up around your communities for donations for Ladee ya know.... us taking care of each other and all that..... LOL....
I feel in my gut this is right... and my gut never lies to me because that is where my real answers come from.... love ya, and thanks for the suggestions... but If I ever step foot on that property again... it will be with a social worker from APS... you can believe me on that one..... love and hugs...
Yeah, prayers for the whole family.... the 'resentment' prayer... hadn't thought of that for awhile... thanks for the reminder !!! Much more peaceful to do that than run this crap thru my head..... and hey.... you and I may end up living in a cardboard box under a bridge... together!!! But we'll be some happy assed happy , joyous and free bag ladies...... thanks Lav... I know you are going thru a lot right now... so double thanks for the encouraging words.... lots of love to you... and I'll even share the chocolate and not eat your Pringles!!!
never went back either. Took a bus up the road and had another job in half an hour. you are right your gut knows.
Stop crying and start writing we will all be looking forward to reading 'The memoirs of a demented caregiver" Priced at 3 lbs chocolates. Don't know if the Queen has filled that job yet. You can pick up some flanell nighties once you get there or CM might lend you some.
and I HATE flanell..... this crappy cold rainy weather here is getting to everyone... just can't imagine ya'll that are snowed in for long periods of time...at least we can get outside and get on the roads without worrying about ending up in a snowbank .....or shovel for two hours just to get out of the driveway....... nope.
Sent the email with a loud resounding NO .... so hopefully I will be left alone now... they do owe me some money and you can believe I will get it.... so we'll see how long it takes for them to do this..... my brain hurts....
love ya'll...
I am going to be creative for a little while.... play with my clay, and make some more crocheted Cabbage Patch Doll baby hats for my friends down home.... When the weather clears up some , am going to Tikki with some friends and just set around, eat, visit and laugh and get caught up since I have worked for a year and not got to do anything fun....
I'll have to tell ya'll about my Grapes of Wrath house I live in, one day... it's so symbolic of my life.... lol... thanks for asking... just going to take it easy for a little while.... and I'm safe and secure... so , just for today , no worries...
You could ride the greyhound to New York and then find a cargo boat going your way and maybe be the cook for the journey. Do you get seasick. I do just watching a movie with a boat. Never want to go on a cruise.
Thats another thing you can do for a nice break. Sounds as though you are really good with that polymer clay. You could sign up to teach classes on a cruise ship.
I know her Majesty can't send the Royal Yacht to pick you up as that has been taken out of service as the Govt thought it was too expensive.
Just thought of something else many older people take a spouse on a cruise and need some one to babysit the demented spouse change diapers etc. Push the wheelchair round the deck and to the dining room.
I don't think they would dare not pay after what they put you through so look forward to that envelope on Friday. Don't buy chocolates with it you have got to fit in that bikini in time for the cruise. Think of all those toy boys looking for an experienced older woman. Come to think of it maybe a crisp old fashioned nurses uniform with long skirt and apron would give them more to think about. Sorry Ladee I can't help teasing you. Love ya
And trust me, it would take a few more pounds before I'd even put on shorts much less a bikini.... and those young men.... they would be afraid of me.... I won't even look at my own naked ass in the mirror, much less subject anyone else to that... those poor boys would look like the painting 'Scream''..... so uh, no, I'll stay stateside and wreck havoc over here....
My dream is to be able to make enough money with my art to at least put food on the table.... haven't managed to be able to save enough to be self supporting for that to happen....but who knows... I just know I am out of the mess I've been in.... and my energy level is harboring on manic!!!! Feels so good to be rested for a change.... and my mind being creative as opposed to being stuck like a record on the same old song.....
Got a text from the dil, said not to worry about it... they found someone... it will be the lady that takes care of Gene during the mornings.... thank God... I know she loves him and takes great care of him..... and ya.... talk about a shock... if I get a nice check... I will be sure and send then a Thank You, not a F**k You....
And tease away woman... I'd much rather be laughing than crying..... hugs to ya...
I love flannel! And well deserved congrats to you and Lav, I have known alcoholics and recognize how difficult it is to stop drinking! And you are both over 20 years, if my math is right! This is no small accomplishment and quite a feat. That explains the chocolate thing, I have heard about the replacement therapy and endorphins, I think.
And it is great that you stood up to them, it was a long time coming, and hoping for them to find another caregiver. I just cannot believe it is that difficult. There are so many agencies out there. What is interesting, is you as a private paid caregiver have encountered many of the same issues that I have with siblings. I will tell them what is going on with mom, and they think I am exaggerating, or out and out lying. The latest from counselor sibling was a question about whether mom has a calendar because I had told her how many times through the day she asks what day it is. This is the same sibling that asked if mom was still on antidepressants when I told her that mom becomes despondent and depressed when she asks about her parents to find out they have been gone for years as if this is the first time she knew about the deaths. Those that do not deal with it on a daily basis have absolutely no clue and it will not change until they make the time, expend the effort and energy to spend more than a couple of hours with her.
Having agency caregivers come in for the past few weeks has truly been a blessing for me. These are people that understand the disease, and also understand how difficult care is for those with Alzheimer's. If they were to tell me something that was going on with mom that I hadn't noticed before, I would not be surprised at anything. I would work with them to try to devise a method to try to make the impact of it easier on mom. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a fantastic caregiver and anybody would be fortunate and blessed to have you to assist with their family. As soon as someone stops listening to concerns, their learning will stop. This disease is constantly changing our loved ones and one day is never exactly like the previous.
Just try to relax, enjoy your time off, something will come up for you soon, I trust.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/My-Hope-and-Dreams-165877.htm
Actually I think we'd love you, Ladee, but I wouldn't come over right now - not unless you're a very good swimmer. No shortage of work for you, though, that's for certain! When you're good and ready, maybe...
Lots of good care agencies over here. And lots of artists' colonies too! And probably lots of artists who need a hand with care… Are you tempted yet?!
Veronica, there’s such a food as chocolate cheesecake???? OMGoodness! Do you when I go to restaurants (paid by our business associates), I always look forward to dessert and hope so badly that they have chocolate cake/mousse/pie and cheesecake. I get one of each, and then with every bite, I have both the chocolate and the cheesecake together. Yummmm….
Kizna, any proof you have that what you said happened? Did you send emails to friends/family of what the caregiver did when she did a no-show? Do you keep a journal or your calendar where you would have noted down, “caregiver no-show. who to hire?” Something? {{Hugs}}
And LadeeM, just so ya know, there are different types of cruises... I went on one with my mom and some relatives from Germany when I was about 21... They were all in their 60's at the time. I think me and 4-5 other people on that whole ship were young. There were no tight asses on that cruise except ours at the time. lol It just depends on the type of cruise you want to go on. This one was obviously for the older crowd. And the only time you're really on the ship is when it's sailing from port to port....then when you get to those ports you spend a day or two on land doing a lot of fun stuff and sight seeing...horseback riding on the beach, and actually swimming with the horses, was one of my favorite things. :) And the food on a cruise...OMG. The food, the food, the food....5 star quality. I didn't know food like that even existed until I went on that cruise. lol It's good memories... My mom ordered Escargot without knowing what it was. hee hee I'll never forget the look on her face when they brought that dish out. lol I talked her into switching to lobster and she loved it. :) But yeah, I know what you mean...I wouldn't be caught dead in a bathing suit right now. That's a scary thought! Like you said, I wouldn't want to scare the shit out of anyone either! In a decade of care giving I've gone from a thin, in shape, physically active, attractive women to...a dough ball. :/
Kizna, I'm sorry you had to deal with all that worry. That bites. *hugs* And I'm wondering if the pain and stress ever ends myself...
Glad, happy to see that thread and I'll look forward to reading the responses! I'm feeling a little adrift myself right now...I feel like I should be out DOING something, but Christ, I'm so damn tired. All I want to do is sleep and rest. I don't feel 48, I feel 88. It's crazy what this has done to me, physically and mentally. Thank God I'm around people that just get it.
Have a good day, peeps...I hope it's as peaceful as possible!
Glad.... the transference usually happens early in sobriety.... mine was coffee.... the 'chocolate' thing is mostly just my sign off... I rarely eat sweets... it used to be, 'hugs across the miles' but someone here on AC 'stole' it..... but there is comfort in chocolate.... and since I don't drink, that's the next best thing!!! Just sending some comfort to my sister-friends in the trenches....
So between Lav and I , we have 51 years sobriety.... a force to be reckoned with lol....
The Grapes of Wrath house, or wagon... as I call it... I had a live-in job... was told when my sweet Ruth passed away, I would be able to rent the house.... well, not much in my life has worked out as 'planned' so was told I would have to move after Ruth passed.... I already had another job and was coming home one day and saw this old Winnebago out in a pasture...asked around until I found out who's it was.... talked to the guy and he wanted $600 for it.... told him , NO WAY, talked him down to $200 and ya get what ya pay for.... It cost me $200 to have it towed to our little trailer park here in town for travel trailers, ect.....
Here it sets.. no running water, no stove, fridge has stopped working....the microwave doesn't work, and the toilet doesn't flush.......but I know all about 'making do' so to others, this is not a good thing... to me , it's home, it's mine.... I have plastic jugs of water to flush the toilet...have healthy take out places here in town.... don't drink milk, so who needs a fridge....!! It's hot as hell in our Texas summers, but nice and warm in the winter...go to my neighbors to take a shower.... and all is well with the world..... I always tell people, when times get really hard, I'm ready!!! Been doing this for a long time... it would cost more than I paid for the damned thing to get running water, so I make do...It's my home.... I don't care about a bunch of stuff that I would only have to figure out how to maintain it....so its simple, it works, and it's mine...
I have painted the huge front windshield this past year.... from the outside it looks like abstract art... I painted eyelashes on the head lights.... and this year think I will paint the outside PINK.... nahhhh, maybe just carry the abstract theme around the whole place...!!!
Have a huge metal peacock , a flying pig, a little turtle shooting the bird, and a pile of rocks about three feet high.... cow skulls, odd pieces of wood I use for my art work, and on and on, outside.... it's MINE... I can do what I want... the landlady doesn't care, she said it 'classed' up the joint.... lol...
I never got to be a 'kid', so now I can make this a happy place...my granddaughter loves it.... she knows there is no such thing as 'making a mess' at Granny's house...it's just a place to come and snuggle and create and talk about whatever....
So ya, old C was simply a glitch in my life... a lesson... nothing more..... and I as blessed to have a relationship with Stu and Gene and my fav dil.... nothing to complain about.... it's over.... all of my needs are met.... and that is enough... gives me more time to explore the world I live in....
The weather has been so crappy , haven't had the opportunity to 'go to church'.... that's what I call hitting the back roads looking for rocks and wood and what ever else catches my eye....my granddaughter says riding in my car is like riding in a dumpster !!!
So ya, the Grapes of Wrath Wagon is home... in all its non funciontioning delight...
The last couple years I had to make sure to fix my mom only very soft foods, and I'd cut everything up in very small bites...it really helped a lot... I was always scrambling to find something she could eat and enjoy without choking... it was extra work, but who cared? Anything to avoid that again... Here's hoping for more and more success!