This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Deep breath,,, ok , now I feel better...
Veronica.... the length of the grass... NO WAY..... I'd have to let it grow and put a bunch of plastic pink flamingos out there... with a picture of my butt mooning everyone... such stupid rules in this crazy world we live in.... hugs to ya...
Here are a few tips that might help some of you.
Old smell: Older people feel that shouldn't have to change their clothes as they do very little and regard them as "clean." If they change clothing,they often put the last outfit back into drawers and closets.
If they live with you collect their garments nightly.Leave fresh clothing out for them.
Some who suffer dementia and soiling will hide the panties/protection garments in drawers,closets and other unimaginable places then forget they are there.
Tip:Search their living space as often as possible when the opportunity arises.Leave no stone,however unlikely unturned.My mom once urinated in a vase of roses because she couldn't make the toilet,then forgot about it.
Those who decide not to eat or drink:Usually because they don't want the leakage ,can't feel stool or urine escaping.It's embarrassing even for those with dementia.Some are afraid of choking,some have lost their sense of taste.
Liquid:Vegetables help with liquid intake if they will eat them.
Try this: Serve liquid in a wine glass, fancy tea cup (served from pot) or other.I go into my mom's room with coffee(hot or cold) ensure or whatever and chat for ten minutes on and off about anything even though most of the time she can't follow the story but I drink, she drinks because she's lonely and depressed. Her friends are gone and time if wrecking havoc with her mind and body. Company and conversation goes a long way.
Food:If she will eat it,I serve it.Spam,canned ravioli,whatever she likes but always with nutrition in mind.Older people like what they remember on the table.New diets and shakes will be blamed for their problems.The rational is they never had problems before so it must be the new unfamiliar food and preparation that's causing their woes.
Always mention dessert or the special treat after the meal.Make a joke.No pudding if they don't eat the mush!
Pills:Afraid to choke.Their doctor can often give them med's in liquid form.
Aggression:Once they are settled in new home or other never change anything! It upsets them.They are accustomed to things being a certain way in a certain place. Change confuses them, makes they afraid then they get angry. Not at you but at what's happening to them.They are losing their independence.They are lost.
Never argue,it's useless.Leave the room if you can't keep your mouth shut or stand expressionless until they wear themselves out.Then change the subject.The technique is called "redirection".
If they come at you remember to duck.
Medications:Mood elevator's are not solving problems and in many cases cause others.No one is meant to happy all the time.It might make your job easier but it can make their problems worse as these drugs if taken long term have side effects.
The wanderer: Older people are nocturnal.They nap while you work.They are up and about when you want to sleep.
First:name and address somewhere in all their clothing in case they do get out.
I try to keep my mother and others I've worked with AWAKE during the day or occupied at night with pre-recorded movies. My mother likes to go her drawers at night so I move things around when she's in the bathroom or I put a pile of clean clothes(unfolded) on her bed just before 8 PM.This usually keeps her busy and I can pass out periodically.
During the day I try to give her a job.Dusting,watching the dogs (who watch her for me),Having her go through old pictures, whatever.
Burnout of the caregiver: I enjoy a good laugh.To my friends and family I've become the "poop"expert and and proud of it! Often when attacking a rank and foul situation I dress accordingly just for fun; gloves,mask soaked in my fav perfume and apron.Those who know me now send jokes about my expertise and we all laugh.
I remind myself that "it" is only digested food.No worse that doggy doo or baby poop.
At 8 or 9 PM I tuck the household in and escape into my virtual world of "Sims"where I have a house by the seashore.My "My virtual self is an older retired "bookworm" who also loves to paint.
It's quiet for a time and though I am up until at least 3 AM (snooze time at last for mommy) I go to bed for 6 hours stress free and ready for another day.
How long can a caregiver keep it up? Until they carry us away in the ambulance while our aged parent(s) waves good bye to us with the knowing smile that have endured and we have been defeated.
GIRD your loins fellow caregivers!
When I went to Hawaii last year, sis found a smoking area in Waikiki near our hotel. As I stood there with her (upwind so that I don't smell the cigarette), I watched this man with 2 workers come out of the building, to the sidewalk and he started pointing at it. Then the 2 men started repairing the sidewalk. At home, our govt does the repairs on the sidewalk. So, I asked sis if the businesses are responsible for the sidewalks? And she said yes. Whatever portion of the sidewalk is in front of your building, you are responsible for maintaining it. That's how I learned that where she lives, you're also required to shovel the snow, etc...
Well, I've been wishy, washy for the past couple of weeks with regards to father's herbal supplements. I have finally reached the end of my rope. His body is covered with rashes from it. He's either taking more than the recommended dosage or mixing it with other pills and that's the reaction.
Fave sis pissed me off because she said, "Well, just throw the pills away." Yeah, I know that! I angrily told her that in the past, when I do that, he gets sooooo angry that we're not giving his pills, that he has hit me, or his hand holding the metal trapeze triangle dangling near my head - is shaking because he wants so badly to slam it against my head as I change his pampers, or prop him up.
I finally decided to do this despite the potential violence because his poor body is riddled with these hives. And he keeps scratching it, bleeding. I can't stand blood and my stomach has been heaving as his NEW bedsore on his butt is now bleeding continuously. One of those herbals is a blood thinner.
I told him lastnight to call the doctor and request for DuoDerm to patch his bleeding bedsore. For the temporary fix, like the nurse showed me years ago...I cleaned the area with sodium chloride. Then, put Calmoseptine on it (except when it's bleeding the Calmo is not sticking on his body), and then tape a gauze over it. It works fine until the next time to change his pampers, and I peel off the gauze, it hurts him and starts bleeding. Like a slow drip of blood.... One of those herbals is a blood thinner the way that bedsore bleeds. Eeww!
So, after lastnight's pamper change and that dripping blood, I decided to hide 2 of his herbals and all the extras in the cabinet (so that sis cannot go and open a new bottle.) I came home from work today, and he is so pissed off at me. Whoopee, I am soooo NOT looking forward to pamper changing time. I need to watch his hands....
Most important is : NEVER ARGUE! It's useless...
He tried to help me but he was weak. In the end, I said in exasperation that I had hurt my back with mom and that i wasn't going to hurt it with him. (Mom was vegatative state, he can still move.) When done, my back, left knee and neck was hurting. It's from the straining of pushing/pulling him. I even tried to turn him using the lifter, but he was such a dead weight because he wasn't helping me. I finally asked him, "Do you want your pampers change? If you don't, say so now. I don't want to change you if you don't want to help." Okay...gotta go and shower...
Found out my brother is on vacation in Aruba and one of my sisters is using his vacation home up North!!
And I'm stuck here dealing with panic attacks/dementia and can't go to the bathroom without "I thought you went out"!
Ugh! I struggle with this everyday! I know I' m doing good by taking care of Mom...
BUT ....It's been almost 2 mths since Christmas and only 1 of my 6 siblings have seen or contacted Mom!!! I know they only do call 2 times a year..Mother's Day/Christmas ....
That's all, I'm done... Need to let it go...Thanks I needed to get that out...
LadeeM You probably would get away with the pink flamingos round here but no mooning pictures. you can even use one of those woodern plaques with the old lady bending over and showing her drawers!!!!!!!
Does the great job hunt start today? Can you apply for unemployment? Good luck anyway. We look forward to the next instalment of 'The adventures of a paid caregiver"
I have to wonder why we end up the caregivers.... do we not follow thru with threats to leave them at someone elses house??? Some of us are doing it wrong..... the getting help part....the sad thing...It is human nature... if someone else will do it, why should they... this happens for paid caregivers too... I look back now on how many times the family 'dumped' on me because they knew I would do what they needed to be helping with...
I promise you they have a major mess on their hands right now... scurrying around to find help.... they thought I would never walk off and leave them to it.... hmmmm. sound familiar..... ??? Get you some help in there somehow someway..... can you hire someone to come in at night??? If you could get some uninterrupted sleep that would be half your battle... besides having sibs faces printed on targets..... but then you don't have time to go to the firing range...... my heart hurts for how tired you are...... I've been there, and there is no words to describe it.... hugs and chocolate are all I can do... besides encourage you to stand tall with the sibs about helping... at least with money to get you some help...... nothing changes if nothing changes.... love and hugs
Book - Oh God, I do not know how you do it. You should get a gold medal. I wish you good luck getting rid of the supplements. I wish your sister would help and not hinder you. Jeez, what are these people thinking? Is there another type of gauze you can use because it sounds like it is sticking to the skin. I wish you luck with everything. Take care of YOU as best you can.
Hi - I have been having problems with this site. It keeps asking me to sign in and I do but it still kicks me out. I hope that this goes through. Well, the house is going up for sale starting Thursday. Bro was here and he told me that h did not feel well and could not help me do anything. He offered to give me money to hire someone to help me. That is all I need. I am going to get as much done on my own I my time. He asked me about cleaning out the shed. I told him that it was his job and he agreed. His sister is no longer a doormat. I have a lot of work still to do. The den is a freaking mess. So I will have to start in there today. Good lord. I just hope I can get it all done before people come. OHH!! I can hear the voice say "If you clean it they will come" LOL There are still boxes of Christmas decorations to get in the shed. The realtor is very hopeful about the house selling fast. Jazzy is still not doing well. If I give her the medicine she gets sick, if I don't give it to her she has a bad stomach. I have to call the doctor this morning. Take care of You All.
Thanks for the suggestions about how to get around this. I didn't even think about Not telling sis. I'm desperate enough to try anything before he starts getting physical. Lastnight, he was ranting and I just stood there too scared to get close to him (in midst of pamper changing). He finally told me to continue but I was tentative and kept looking for signs of any sudden violence. Well, both alarms went off. Time to get up and start my day.