This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Oh dear. Not a good day. An hour in the garden with the dog and the chickens helped, except for fearing that when we sell the house it's going to be tough to find somewhere I can take them with me. Well! Meanwhile at least I'm not short of occupation - plenty of ironing building up, for a start...
And Ruth and the endless question loop, the same questions.... what time is it? and when are we going home? By the end of the day I felt like my brain was two pieces of sandpaper being rubbed together.... mentally I was so exhausted and she didn't sleep.....I know it doesn't make your situation any better, but I do understand....
sometimes for me, the depression is anger turned inward.... angry that I was or still am in a situation that seems to have no end to it..... ya'll know the family never heard anything I said...so I felt like so many of you that have no help from the sibs.... oh yeah, I was getting paid.... sorry , the feelings are the same....
I am dreading my next job....not a good thing for a paid caregiver is it.... but I will be honest with the new family, and simply say I will give it a try....
We are so burned out.... no light at the end of the tunnel, ect....guess that's why I come on here and get silly sometimes.... I have to laugh.... I have to mentally get out of this , in my case, self imposed prison of people and their neediness.
Guess there are no real answers, other than friendships and people saying hey, I know how you feel...and sometimes I have to just give myself permission to be depressed..... not go down the rabbit hole... but at least look down into it for a little while, Depression is just part of the package..... it's ok to be so tired you wish you were somewhere else.....
And as far as the girls,,, I'd figure out a way... no way would I give up one of the few things that make me happy...I'd be using my brain on how to build a pen, with grass and all they need, and bring it IN my new house.... nope, don't give up the girls......
Sorry it's been one of those times for you..... hoping you get out in the garden more.... just do it... what's going to happen..... same as if you were in the same room???
I know how I am feeling right now and it is nothing compared to the rest of you..... so all I can do is send tons of hugs and some decadent chocolate....
Tegman, yeah. The cats were supposed to be fixed last October, but that's when the shit hit the fan and we had no access to funds for 3 months.
LadeeM, I have to ask...why are you continuing in this line of work? Have you ever thought about choosing something else? I'm just curious.. There isn't enough money on the planet to get me into your line of work. I had to deal with my mom and everything it entails out of sheer necessity, but do that for anyone else? Maybe my son's if it came to that...but anyone else? Forget it. You say you feel dread thinking of your new job... I feel dread just considering doing what you do.. I hope it works out and goes very smoothly and that you don't end up in another crazy house like the last one... Best of luck!
CM, I understand your depression and situation totally. My mom choked a few times. I still have the occasional nightmare involving that... If I never deal with that again in the next ten lifetimes it'll be too soon... *twitch* It may sound bad, but I'm so damn glad this 'journey' for me, and my mom, is done. There's nothing pretty about alz and dementia and all that goes with it... *hugs* Hang in there...
Ladee M, how long 'til you start at the new place? It's not often I say this, but think positive! What do you know about the person you'll be looking after? (Maybe at least he won't lick his dentures, or not at the table anyway - Oh My Word!) But at the very least you won't be in the same horrible position of getting trapped in intolerable working conditions because you daren't leave the person unaccompanied - that was such a terrifying bind you were in.
CM, I have no idea. I have dropped hints for the neighbors, several times, I'm trying to be diplomatic about it. Diplomacy doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere and my usual blunt self would probably hurt someone's feelings, which I'm trying to avoid. There is no doubt in my mind that when they move if this cat continues on like this at someone else's house they'll have issues with the neighbors. No neighbor is going to appreciate their house being sprayed at the least and the continuous yowling is enough to make you want to slam your head into the wall. Like I said, I've dropped hints to no avail. I told Rhonda that Ming was spraying our sunroom and that I was tossing glasses of water at him to keep him away. I don't know if she told Sarah, but if she did it didn't register that I'm not exactly thrilled.
And I agree about LadeeM's last situation...rock and a hard place. Terrifying indeed.
I have never, ever had this issue with another cat and I've had plenty of neighbors with cats. Scare them off a few times they don't come around nearly as much. Not this one. He's here without fail, hanging around, morning, noon and night, day in day out, every single day no matter how many times I soak him, yell at him, chase him, whatever. It's 5 a.m. here right now and I just chased the little bastard off our back porch right before I wrote this last sentence, so...yeah. If Sarah and Mike aren't moved out by the end of this month, we're going to have to have a serious conversation. This is getting to the point of ridiculous now. Sean and Dylan are even bitching about this cat. Sean's going to get a cheap paint ball gun and start popping him in the ass with paint balls. Let Sarah figure out why her cat's ass is suddenly multi colored. lol
I changed dad's pampers, scrubbed his back of dead skin last night. I was able to look at the bedsore without heaving. But, I still was not able to take a qtips and use it to push the gauze inside to clean it. Ohhhh... not yet ready for that. I feel so bad. That nurse of yesterday should have just done it. He's a nurse, for goodness sake! That's more of his thing than mine.
This morning, I stared for a while on the bedsore. I'm trying to get myself to see it as "normal" and not something gross. I figured if I continue to stare it, eventually I will be able to do the deep cleaning on my own. It's like all things with hands-on caregiving. The first time I changed mom's pampers and it was filled with watery poop. The first time the watery poop kept dripping non-stop and trying to change her at the same keep the new pamper clean (wasted several before I got the hang of it.) The first time I had to learn clean her bloody stomach tube area. With mom's constant coughing, the tube would move up and down, rubbing her skin hole raw and bloody. The first time to clean her trache hole on her throat (and try so hard not to throw up) with all that thick yucky phlegm. When she coughs, to be quick to duck or else her phlegm lands on you. The first time her stomach tube came out of her stomach and Trying to stuff it back in (Failed that miserably. Took her to the urgent care clinic who turned her away and so went to ER and have the lazy ER doctor lecture ME that I can do it myself...when the urgent care doctors at mom's clinic won't do it, and I"M to do it????) To finding dad's shedding skin all over his front shirt, back shirt, inside the shirt, all over the bed. And finally, the sinking in bedsore. I guess I can do it. I just have to view it as "normal" and not gross...... He's bleeding urine again, and he's still on the IV antibiotic. I told him that he should have gone to the urologist when he went to the clinic. He might have prostate cancer. His decision. His choice. I think in the end... He's going to die of blood loss. And this is all I'm going to say on the subject. Eventually I will overcome this and do the darn bedsore myself!
LadeeM, it would be best to try to find something positive on your new job. When I start my day dreading work, I noticed that I get headaches more often. A self-fulling attitude. I'm like SA, I will not willingly do this job on anyone that's not my relative. As I watched the deep-wound cleaner nurse interact with father and me, I realized that she loves her job. She loves interacting with people. That just made me realize that I could never do that with caregiving.
Oh, I just read about the house sale, CM. I feel so badly for you. I can't even begin to imagine selling this house. I'd be crushed. Do you HAVE to sell the house? Isn't there any way to hold onto it?
I'd much rather not sell the house, boo-hoo poor me sniffle. Actually I am royally pissed off about it. But I can't afford to buy my partner out, and although mother - just possibly, technically - could, we can't justify maintaining a big family house for only two people. Besides which, my sister squats on her financial POA like a frog in a bog croaking on and on about… Actually, you know what? I'm not quite clear what she thinks there is to complain about. My mother might pay my living expenses, but when you put those next to free 24/7 care I'd say she's getting a pretty good deal.
I want out of my family, but I don't want to put my mother into care. Also, my aunt is in a very good NH - we went to see her at the weekend - and you know what? I haven't noticed that my cousin gets much less stressed than I do. It doesn't take away the worry.
I was helping father to turn on his side for bedtime. His left leg is hurting. So, as I was turning him, I remembered last minute as my left hand automatically moved to help guide him in turning. I quickly caught it in time and did not touch him. He got so angry at me for touching him on his painful leg. I told him that I didn't even touch it. He insisted he SAW me touching his leg. I insisted that I didn't. I was about to and remembered and stopped. He got so angry that I was lying, he tried to kick me with his shoed feet. I got pissed off. As we continued to turn him, I DELIBERATELY reached over and pushed his left leg to help turn him. He turn around so fast and tried to kick me. He said that he told I told him that I didn't touch him and see, I'm lying. I turned and looked him in the eye. And said, "You accused me of touching your leg? So, I touched your leg. Now, THAT is called touching your leg!" ... sigh.. my heart was beating too fast. I'm very sure my cholesterol level is shooting sky high. Everything is stressing me out. Only sleeping is my getaway from stress.
He is acting like such an invalid. He actually expected me to get up, go to the other side of his bed, and work the darn remote control to raise and lower his darn bed! he can darn well do it himself! This is what happens when one cg jumps to his every darn commands/demands, and the other one refuses to jump.
Hi everyone- who is getting up. I will be saying good night, now.
My mother also used to drop our own cats a long way from home so they couldn't find their way back. I think she finally realized how cruel this was not only to the animal, but also her children. She wouldn't let us get cats any more. But there is many a neighbor cat that has ended up at the pound dropped off by my mother. GRRR, make me really angry to even think about it.
Where does Dad's leg hurt? Is it new?
if it is new and located on the calf it may be a DVD ask the nurse to check. if you need his bad leg for any reason if you suppoet it at the knee and ankel that hurts less.
Sleep well and take care of that cholesterol.
There are times we hurt them when we have to move them, get them up, ect... it is not intentional.... but we learn how to do the least amount of pain as possible..... the suggestion of holding the knee and ankle is a good one....
I am being given time between jobs here, to adjust my attitude.... I am not a negative person by nature..... but I am going to have my feelings about the C debacle..... I am going to be a little jaded and untrusting..... those are my feelings..... not right or wrong... just feelings....
Being a sexual abuse survivor and her accusations threw me into a place I have not been in a very long time...it triggered me into some awful stuff... so it wasn't as simple as her trying to get rid of me in the most ugly way she knew how..... but I also look at it as time for further healing... I f***ing don't have to like, but I do have to take responsibility for what I do with it all..
I have had to put my feelings on hold for years now when I walk into someones home... this won't be new.... and I don't mean to sound so dramatic here, but I do know what I will not tolerate any longer for the sake of making a living this way......there are NH's that need volunteers, I would do that in a heartbeat.... I love old folks.... no matter how contrary of whatever...but damnit.... I have to work....
I will go in with a good attitude and an open mind... these people have no idea what the last situation was.... different time, different situation....if I didn't know myself well enough to know what I can handle and what I can't , I wouldn't have said yes to this job....
So the old ladies accusation threw me down the rabbit hole.... but I haven't stayed there.... she does not have the power in my life to make me suffer... that would be a choice I would be making, to give her that power.....
I finally noticed how absolutely tired I was, and instead of being hell bent on getting my house in order, I have been sleeping instead, and that is helping a lot.... I am grieving Stu..... God I miss him..... so no, I will go into the next job with a positive attitude....
All I know is the lady has Alz.... and tends to wander at night.... so that shouldn't be hard unless she is an elopement risk.... but will find out more when I meet with the daughters.....
But I am also keeping in mind of how many times things were set to go and I didn't get the common courtesy of a phone call from the familes to say things had changed and I wouldn't be needed..... so am simply taking this time to get rested and heal..... God knows what He is doing.... so I just do this one day at time... find things all day long to be grateful for.... I have wonderful friends here and in RL.... I am not alone....just a damned bump in the road.....
So I do appreciate the reminders to be positive.... and I appreciate all the support I have been given here.... it helps..... so sending you all hugs and chocolate this morning..... love....
Partner has become terrified of the house because, as BIL described it, it's a money pit - he's now constantly afraid that something else expensive will go wrong. It's stood on its own feet for three hundred years so I think he's got it out of proportion, but the fact is he's gone off it in a big way and will sleep a lot better when he doesn't own part of it. He hasn't the capital to lend me, and although the B&B or lodger options would normally be attractive (or tea shop. We've got a trailer in the back garden with water and power, and plenty of passing trade in the summer) I can barely cope with just mother to worry about. Unless I win the lottery it's going to have to go to new, richer owners, that's all, and the sooner I get used to the idea the better. More worrying is what on earth we do next. Looking after mother totally on my own was not the deal. Putting her into residential care would make nonsense of the last five years. Buy or rent? Stay around here or move somewhere elder-friendly like Bournemouth (shudder)? How long will it be for? What will conk out first, heart or brain? When? Quick end, or some years with almost zero QOL? That's the thing, too many questions and no crystal ball handy when you need one.
I've bought some Bach's rescue remedy capsules. Should've read the label - they've got sorbitol in, or something similar, and a rumbling gut is the last thing I need. Dr Bach must be turning in his grave, wouldn't you think? What on earth are they up to putting artificial sweeteners in a homoeopathic product? And there I was thinking that the best thing about homoeopathy is that it's DEFINITELY harmless...
So as I'm guiding his turning away from me, when I touch his upper thigh, it's too painful. This happened 2nights ago. Since he came back from the clinic, he has slowed down on exercising his legs and moving. Hence his expecting me to use the remote control to move his bed up and down. He can turn his body, reach for it... when I get up, I will put a note to the nurse about his pain...10 more minutes to sleep...