This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I hope everyone is having a great day!! It's cold as h*** here but at least the suns out..
God is good. :) What a freaking relief!
Totally enjoy your vacation! You'll be so much better for it!
Speaking of vacations... I thought I'd check into renting a cabin in the mountains of Ashville, maybe rent a horse for my stay and go riding in the woods. Just a couple of weeks of tranquility, peace and quiet. Until I saw the prices they want for those cabins. $260 and up a DAY. Riiiiight. No.
The search for something else continues. lol
Go for my 'interview' with the daughters of the new family..... will let ya'll know the outcome.... just trying to stay positive and see where things land....
I'm in a bit of a funk today, I just feel depressed. There's a box of my mom's clothes that we got back from the NH and up until now I haven't been able to bring myself to go through it. I did this morning though. I found a soft shirt that I bought for my mom for the NH and I just held it and cried and cried and cried. I remember her wearing that one quite often. I can't seem to stop blubbering to save my life. It's just one of those days. I'll snap out of it but these kind of days are so damn painful.
I don't miss my mom's mouth at all. I don't miss the screaming, the fights, all of that crap. I'm grieving because all of my life I wanted so badly to be able to LOVE her, to show her affection and she just made it almost impossible and that killed me. I couldn't be ME with my mom, couldn't be the person nature dictate I be...a kind hearted, soft hearted, loving individual. No, I had to turn into this rabid beast to survive her. And that beast is still alive and kicking within me and always will be. I'll never have one iota of mercy or sympathy or excuses for anyone out to harm me, mentally or physically. I will turn cold in an instant towards anyone with my mom's personality.
So, why am I crying? I guess I'm grieving for what we both never had. She a daughter that would have gladly and willingly done good and right by her and would have shown her softness and love, which she never got from me till the end, and me a mom whose personality would have valued these traits in me and shown me love in return. It's so freaking sad. Such a damn waste. And for what?
I cried at the closing yesterday, too. It killed me to sell that land that was my mother's and hand it over to someone else. Josh, the new owner, is very nice and he said I should come visit anytime and see what they're going to be doing. I'd like to...eventually. I'm happy for Josh and his wife, they love that land and I know that. I appreciate that and am grateful for that. It couldn't have gone to a better family. But it's so painful. I don't think I'll be able to go down there for quite some time.
All of this is so crazy. I should be jumping for joy. Instead, I'm a soggy miserable wreck. Go figure. Maybe one day I'll know what it's like to actually feel normal.
So will start tomorrow night.... and we'll see how it goes.... OH and guess what... no one is HARD OF HEARING... !!! I wont' have to shout or scream over a too loud tv.... hmmmm I'm sure there are other 'hmmmmm's', I'll post them as I remember them.... absolutey the absolute opposite of the last fiasco..... hmmmmmm
But, that night, as he was sleeping, I stood there staring at him. I felt this emotion come from deep within. It's not love. It's the same feeling I got after I started caregiving mom and I would stand there staring at her as she slept. I wonder if it's sorrow for him that he's losing himself and becoming this terrible demanding abusive person?
Lastnight, as I was changing his pampers and wiping his skin down, I started remembering all the times he was nice to me. And never really demanded that I quit my job. He did ask me to work part-time when mom got too much of handful with just him by himself... All these memories of the past came on. And of course, even the abusive sides pop up but this time the negative was not as strong as the positives.
I have discovered that I like my father ... only when he's sleeping.
Going to take time to get my sleeping time down.... but if there is some peace.. I am not having to dodge verbal bullets and vomit.... (by C) and the tv isn't making my eardrums vibrate..... oh... and no one drinks..... !!!!!! Or takes too many meds.....!!!!! or is hateful..... I'm not going to know how to act..... would be an extra happy camper if I hadn't had to take such a drastic cut in pay..... with that many hours a week, I could really add to my savings.... but no one gets it all.... so, ..........
Have a good one Assa.... guess it's gonna be spring eventually.....hugs and chocolate
Again good luck with new client.. I hope your time with her is respectful and hassle free!!!
Are you caregiver for your mother with ALZ or for both parents?
It sounds as though your father has symptoms suggesting he also has dementia.
The situation with the bathroom is a red herring. Depending on how far his dementia has progressed he probably is no longer capable of fixing the problem basically he can't remember how to do it or what tools or supplies he needs so that is a seperate issue.
His treatment of your mother by denying her care he is actually abusing her so you are the one who has to take action. The action you need to take is to contact Adult Protective Services on Monday. Do not let him know you are doing this because his disease may make him violent towards you or your mother. do you have other family members who can help you or someone from your church?
Your church family may care about you and express understanding but not be fully aware of the seriousness of the situation. From your post i am not clear if you realize the true situation.
I am sorry to be so blunt or if what I have written upsets you that is not my intention but if you were expecting a reply that said "poor you, how awful what a miserable old man" that is not how i see your situation. it is going to be difficult going forward and you can expect a lot of love and support here as well as helpful advice. so please come back often and let us know how things are going. Blessings
Book .. sometimes your posts just break my heart. You're such a trooper .. you deserve some kind of general's star or at least one of those medals of valor or something. Hey! Admins!! Can we get a new hug image: some kind of medal?? Please? And thank you very much!
SA .. 'bout damned times things started going your way, huh? And it's no wonder that your emotions are on a roller coaster .. you've been stuffing most of them for years and they're just bustin' a gut to get out. Let 'em roll. Your heart will appreciate it!