This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Stillhope - having sisters to share the burden - is not necessarily true. Ask several posters here and you will find the ones that actually do help are like gems hidden in the mud. Or a needle in a haystack. I have 4 sisters. In all the 23 years I helped father caregive bedridden mom, not one of them helped regularly. Older sis did make an effort when she visited home every 4 or 5 years. She took over completely - except for the changing of pampers. I still did that. I do have my fave sister who is my Emotional Support. I don't complain about caregiving to her because her responses are those of non-caregivers. Not understanding where we are at and why it's not easy to just "do this or that." .... I, too, work fulltime. I do my best not to let the home life interfere with work. Very important. I don't talk about home life because the one time I did, and I was struggling with work, my boss told me straight to concentrate on work and if I'm having problems at home, then to take leave. Very important not to discuss the home front at all to coworkers or your bosses. {{hugs}}
When the daughter was leaving last night.. she was telling them how busy her schedule was going to be the next day....so she might be late getting their dinner.... in the past, that was my cue to step up and volunteer...... not this time... remember, I took full responsibility for being taken advantage of with C.... we can't be taken advantage of without our permission.... learned way to much on the last job..I'm pretty sure after this many years, they have a contingency plan.....so kept my mouth shut....
When I got ready to leave for work last night.... there was ice on my windshield..... !!!!! it was already in the low 20's, had been in the 70's earlier in the day.....Texas weather sucks !!!! so I only smoked one ciggy in a 12 hour shift!!!! Too damned cold to go outside... lol... so that was a good thing !!!
I am neither excited or negative ...... just letting myself see if this is what I still want to do...but there will be lessons to learn nonetheless...
Hope things are going well with Edna...... and hope you are doing even better... more later to everyone... the wind blew my front door open and woke me up... going back to bed.... love, hugs, angels and HOT chocolate....
SA - I miss my mom too. I do not miss the dementia though. You have gone through so much. You have come through to other side stronger and more sure of yourself. I do not know how I will feel when the sale goes through on the house. I do hope it will be soon. Kudos and HUGS to you and keep taking care of YOU!!
Book - Wonderful - Wow, the fact that the positives are out weighing the negatives is great!!!!!There has been such a Positive change over just a few months. Take care of YOU!!!!!
Tootie -I am glad the church is there giving you caring and understanding. Take care of YOU!!!!!!!!!
Cindy - All lot of us here felt that we are not doing enough sometimes,. I know I did. You cannot second guess yourself or it will drive you crazy. Keep telling yourself you are doing the best you can. Then tell your mom the same thing every time she makes you feel guilty. They have known us all out lives and know where all those buttons are. Take care of YOU!!!!
Hi all - The weather has been crazy here too!!! It was in the upper 60's and now it will be in the 40's and raining for Mardi Gras. I did go yesterday and had a great time. I went with a friend to a home right on the parade route. I got a bunch of beads. In the French quarter girls lift up their shirts for beads from the second floor balcony's. I got a pair of beads yesterday that had a medallion on it saying "You want me to show you what" with a woman with her arms across her chest. LOL I caught it right in my hands. I know I am crazy going out to the parades tomorrow but what the heck. On the way home I was thinking that Mom will get a kick out of that pair of beads. Then I remembered she is not here anymore. I got so sad. She loved when I went somewhere and came back to tell her stories. Well, I got in the house and went to her room and told her what happened right away and I just cried like a baby. I know there will be moments like this but then I also remember when I could tell her about things. Well, I have to get going. I will be wearing my long underwear with two sweaters. You all take care of YOU!!!!!
Before we got my mom new hearing aids we had a gizmo that included headphones that worked wirelessly with the tv. There was a transmitter that allowed the sound to be amplified for mom. She hated wearing the things, but without them the tv could not be turned up loud enough for her. They were purchased at Bed, Bath and Beyond during the Christmas season. other main drawback is that when the transmitter was plugged into the tv, the sound would go off for everyone else. Our solution to that was to have the transmitter connected to a second tv, a hassle when channels are changed, but actually worth it for some quiet.
Tootie, my father knows everything- since I can remember. He is Always Right. We are not allowed to share a differing opinion. Otherwise, we’re dumb and know nothing. The name calling and threatenings…. father, too. Our fathers seem to be twins. I’d like to give you a piece of advice that I’m learning this year. Document, Document, Document. I strongly recommend that you start doing a journal of your daily activities, mom’s day, and your father’s reactions. This will protect you if something happens and your father accuses you, or something. My father is beginning to accuse me of stealing from him. So, I am now fervently saving receipts, photocopying it (receipts fade), and did 2 spreadsheets – bank account (withdrawals/deposits) and Expenses (logged all the expenses paid with his money.) I really shouldn’t worry because when father his stroke about 2 years ago, I have tripled his bank account. But still, one doesn’t know how authorities will react.
Have you tried DSS? They should be able to steer you in the right direction as far as getting the help you need goes, including other agencies and resources.
Ah, today may be a good day. Sean and I are driving to Raleigh, NC to look at a used car for him. His old car is on it's last legs, my car has been sitting for over 4 years and needs the shop and legal tags, etc, and I can't keep renting vehicles. I found a really nice 2005 Kia Amanti in Raleigh at a very, very good and affordable price. Sean liked what he saw online. The car is immaculate, the inside pristine. Carfax shows no problems with the vehicle. If he likes it, we get it today and thank God! No more rentals! Right now I'm driving a Nissan Rogue that's costing a mint. Well, not really, but it FEELS like a mint! I don't want to spend ANY money unless it's a sheer necessity.
Tomorrow we speak to a financial advisor. I'm looking forward to that. Yesterday we transferred my share of the land sale funds into my account. I just kept staring at that figure. It doesn't even seem real. As far as I'm concerned, it isn't. lol I want to forget it's in there, get employed and live off that.
Well, wish us luck on the car. I don't want to spend another dime on this damn rental.
Hope everyone's day is a great one and here's hoping for smooth sailing all around!
This morning, his tshirt is now choking him. The same shirts he's been wearing. I wonder if he's now going to be willing to wear the hospital gown? Or would he still want to wear his shirts and just continue to complain that it's choking him? I will put some gowns into the laundry basket for sis to wash.... better to have a freshly laundered colthes than a musty smelling one which would turn him off completely from the gown.
I'm grateful that I have at least one working brain cell that will get coffee and creamer to take to work with me tonight.....was told I could fix myself coffee.... alrighty then.... 5:30 am, I'm crashing... go to the kitchen..... INSTANT CAFFIENE FREE COFFEE !!!!! What is that anyway..... dirt in a cup??? I passed......
It's not like I have an ice scraper... I live in Central Tex for God's sake....so back and forth with jugs of water and using a sharp rock I found in my car for a scraper..... no gloves....starting to feel less and less grateful.....
Then remembered all of you , cooped up for months with your charges... with nothing but white outside..... so back to 'grateful'.......
Love and hugs to all of you.....
Just got back from Raleigh not too long ago... Sean got the Amanti! He's very happy with it. It's a very nice car, engine purrs, very responsive, extra clean. I'm just happy that that's over with and I can relax!
Time to go dig up some grub. Night all!
Book - these shirts must be t-shirts. Mom would get a shirt that she slept in sometimes and it always crept up on her. I finally said that she should not wear it anymore and bought her hospital gowns to sleep in. Only for the summer though. She got used to them. Take care of YOU!!!!
LadeeM - INSTANT DECAF coffee are they crazy. I will send you some Columbian okay. I cannot stand paying my heating bills this time of year. This house is not a winter home so I can relate. Take care of YOU!!!!!
Assand - they would give me great beads if I DID NOT show my puppies. LOL Taka care of YOU!!!
Red- I am glad that you had some Louisiana food. I love jambalaya but I hate collard greens and green fired tomatoes.
Hi - It was mom's two month anniversary today. I cannot believe it has been that long since she has been gone. I am okay but I feel like I have no family to turn to anymore. My brother does not call me at all. I thought that he would help me straighten this place up. I have decided that I would not ask him advice on things concerning things in this house anymore. If I feel that something should be done I will do it. Whatever I want to sell I will sell and keep the money. He only cares about money from the house. Not about me. As far as I am concerned this is it with him. I am soo fed up with this crap from him. But then why am I not surprised? He has been like this a long time. I am tired of hoping to have a good relationship with him and then this. I cannot wait for this house to be sold.
I did not go to mardi gras it was 37 degrees and rainy. Well, I have to eat something. You all take care.
Made myself a little rice pack today to put inside my mittens when I go to get my Pro time done. If the finger is too cold the blood won't run.
Also stopped wearing a bra because it makes my post shingles neuropathy hurt too much - now three years old. The old knee warmers get a bit chilly though.
Glad the new job is working out. Oh hardship no coffee for 12 hours. no problem for me. A good British cup of tea fills the spot 2 sugars and milk please
Don't blame you for being majorly bummed. You deserve to be. That's NOT normal weather for you. I want to be your snow angel that swoops down and makes it all better. LOL
Congrats on the new job and I'm hoping and praying the road there will be much more pleasant for you, the coffee situation notwithstanding.
Laughing about you using a sharp rock knowing you and I share a passion for collecting rocks. :) In a pinch, put some table salt into the hot water. Salt is a great de-icer. Our roads are white here, not from snow right now but for the salt they put down to melt the ice on roads. If you have a sturdy metal spatula for grilling, they make for a pretty good scraper. Been there done that. Warm up your car 10 minutes before you leave and run the defroster on warm. Hope that helps though I know ice can be stubborn. We've now had 50 days with below zero temps so I 'knows' my ice. Ha!
I have some sort of great news. My brother and SIL are 90% coming for a visit in August. We've had some painful e-mail exchanges that have knocked me down and made me angry at the same time for the past several weeks.
I'm not quite trusting 100% to make plans for that far away, but it sounds hopeful that my little family will get a break that is long needed.
Sending you some hot chocolate with marshmallows and a candy cane to stir it up. We stock up after Christmas for the rest of winter. ((Hugs))
Another little known resource is the Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly (PACE), under the Medicaid.gov auspices, which assists individuals who might otherwise be candidates for a nursing facility, but could safely remain at home, with assistance.
Keep up the good work, and come back to let us know how everything goes.
I have always thought you all in the states who have snow must go stir crazy being stuck in the house during wintertime. Just the thought of dressing up to brave the snow would make me change my mind about leaving the house. I laughed when I read of one poster who said her mother said she was leaving. Walked out of the house. Then came back in. She changed her mind. It was too cold outside. Thank goodness she still had enough cognitive thought to know to go back into the house.
Red, Better - I don't envy you all about transferring a person from the bed to the wheelchair, etc.. That is very strenuous, backbreaking work. It took a 2 person team to do that. Father would lift mom in the front using a towel which we wrapped around her back and he pulled her up from the front. I was there to help guide her from the back or to move the wheelchair to her while he held mom steady. Twice she slowly sank to the floor because we expected her to help us move but instead she was deadweight. She did not know how to stand anymore. We couldn't get her off the floor and so I went and got a male relative to help us. And even with him, it was very very difficult to get her off the floor. She was complete dead weight and didn't move her legs at all. That was the last time we ever tried to get her off the bed.... I tried to pull dad using the lifter. He weighs more than me. He didn't even move at all. Instead, I hurt my back. So, if father ever reaches the stage when he can no longer help me move him, I will INSIST that sis helps me in changing his pampers.
I just got her settled down because she thought she was going to have to go to Mass for Ash Wednesday.. Not happening! She's thrilled about that, she's watching it on TV, but that's only a half hour show..
Maybe today will be the day she pushes her medic alert button . . . She always threatens me with "I'll just push this thing and they'll come". I tell her it's just a panic attack and she needs to settle down and think of something else other than herself!! LOL