The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

I'm just about in tears... As many of you know... we try and try to do the right things, but feel like you're banging your head up against a wall... Today is Ash Wednesday, and after my mother talked with a (flighty) someone to take her to church today, I shoveled a good quarter inch ice off of the sidewalk (some I couldn't get off) so she wouldn't slip... After coming in the house... before going to work, she accused me of eavesdropping on her phone conversation about going for ashes... Keep in mind, my mother can barely walk and see... I then called her to say I could take her after work when the ice melted and she told me to 'forget' it... "I'm not going anywhere"... This is the underlying stress that my doctor says is accumulative for the caregiver... no wonder we caregiver's get sick... And THEN... WE feel GUILTY???

Heart-
Take it easy. Remember it is her disease and age! They tend to get grumpy over the most insignificant things and if it cannot be done their way, there in no way. I bet she will change her tune! No guilt! You are doing the best that you can! Nobody can ask or expect anything more!

I'd like to think it's her age, but she's been like this most of her life... Yes, probably her 'dis ease' (of being older and not in 'control') but, it doesn't make it any easier for the caregiver (me)... It ruined my day... especially, being a Holy day... and, it's not easy to shrug off... So many of us caregiver's have given away much of their lives and future... and, still come out feeling 'badly'... What's it all for?

Let's just say "I told you so"

Afternoon everyone.....not saying 'good' just yet, but am having a cup of REAL coffee.... ya'll are going to love this..... I was told there was a coffee pot..... so last night I brought REAL coffee, the daughter is rummaging around in the cabinets and I'm thinking ,'this can't be good'....I forgot to tell ya'll they have rotary dial phones!!!!, I should have been better prepared, but she finally pulls out an old metal percolator...... I almost nearly died !!!! LOL..... I have not seen one of those in at least 40 years....but I'm thinking... at least it will be a REAL cup of coffee.... so later, around 4:30a, I'm thinking.... mmmmm, coffee... fix the coffee pot... plug it in.... and the little thingy on top comes loose and with every 'perk' there is coffee spraying on the counter top....!!!
Now this tells you how my brain is working at this time of morning ,using an alien coffee pot....do I unplug it and just start over????? Noooooooo, I just threw a paper towel over the top of it....!!!! When I realize the mess, I start laughing.... I'm tired and something so silly was sending me 'round the bend.... I ended up having to go outside to get over my laughing fit.... I finally regain my composure and go back in to the whole house reeking of coffee.... had a major mess to clean up.... but I drank the coffee first !!!

It's interesting, my attitude on this job..... after the C debacle... I find myself totally tuning out any 'family dynamics' going on around me....daughter did ask me if the day shift became available would I want it.... I almost choked... oh no thank you... I'm very satisfied with the way things are....no 'stepnfetchit', no being a bartender, no earplugs for the blaring tv, no poopy pants to change.... no being glared at across the room.... ect.... UH NO..... think it's fine the way it is....of course I didn't say all that, but NO.... I'm fine, thank you !!!!!!

So, sorry Veronica... still no flannel.... the thought of that makes my teeth hurt.... it's already back in the 50's...... My shingles were on my head, across my forehead and down to my left eye..... so I know what you are talking about... sometimes I will get such a sharp pain in my head, it takes my breath away....and can't stand for my hair to touch my forehead..... and it's been many years..... sort of like caregiving... some days, a constant pain... lo

Need to go back and read posts and will write more later..... hugs to every one....

OMG .. we finally differ in something, LadeeM: I *adore* flannel .. nightgowns, shirts, pajamas, sheets, you name it. Soooooo soft and cuddly.

hehehe .. and your coffee pot story reminds me of when I was about 6 years old: made my mother a pot of coffee. At the time, I wasn't really aware of what it required, except water. So, I added the water to the percolator, set it on the stove and waited for the bubbly part to get brown. Mind you .. I did NOT add or change the coffee grounds. Being the kind of mom she was, she hugged me, told me it was the best coffee she'd ever had, and it was years before I figured out that she was very sweet about it my mistake, and just showed me the whole process some other time. And she kept (and replaced when it needed it) that percolator for years after they came out with electric ones, and then later, coffee makers. Claimed it wasn't real coffee if it wasn't percolated. I've never tested the theory, since I didn't drink coffee until many decades later. What do you think? Any good (aside from the mess)?

LadeeC finally someone else loves the flannel

Omgomgomgomg... I just wrote a check for 10 grand. :O I almost choked.

Our heating/ac unit went out. Our Trane finally wrecked. I can't really complain, the thing lasted 25 years without a hitch. Unfortunately, that meant that we needed a new one. And they ain't cheap. Well, part of the cost is for completely cleaning out our ducts...they're a royal mess, haven't been cleaned in years, since I can remember. My mom didn't think it necessary and refused. It IS necessary, but you couldn't tell her anything. We also need new insulation sprayed into the house. Wheeeee! Another thing my mom didn't consider necessary. No wonder our electric bills run so high. Sean is transferring 5 thousand back into my account tomorrow since we're splitting the cost so at least there's that. And that's before the 30 year old carpet...that my mom didn't think needed replacing...gets replaced. Yay.

I feel rather traumatized. I'm going to bed. G'night all.. .

Ladee M the best way to make coffee is with a Vacuum Pot. It was a double globe that would boil and force all the water from the bottom pot into the top pot which held the coffee grounds, then you shut off the heat and it would suck the coffee through a very fine filter into the bottom pot.
SA, wait til you price new carpet LOL another 10G's for sure. Then start saving for a new roof because 30 years is the limit on a roof.

SA, our AC unit clunked out at nine years. Part of life, but it still stinks in a new build house. The expense was BAD!

pst, we had a major hailstorm that got a re-roof for everyone when we were 7 years in. At least we have that going for us. Knock wood. Homeowner's insurance doubled though for this area. Ouch!

LadeeM, Loved the coffee story! Who are these people with rotary dial phones and 40 year old percolators? Kind of reminds me of my own folks. If it was good enough, it was good enough.

If it was me, and you have a McDonald's on the way I'd pick up some of their coffee. It's really pretty good, better than my homemade stuff. They're like a buck. Get one to go and one to nuke later. That is, if they have a microwave. Errrr. :)

Thanks, LadeeM. I laughed so hard as I read your coffee story. Even father asked me what I was laughing about. I'm so glad that I drink Ice coffee. Just grab the can and rush out of the door. They even serve ice coffee in Denneys.

SA, $10,000.. wow... I'd just rip out the carpet, do that thingy with the floor to renew the wood. And save on the cost of not buying carpet. Of course, the floor will be cold in winter time without that carpet to help keep the room warm. Time to go eat dinner. It's just past 730pm.

G'morning everyone. I didn't sleep worth a crap last night. I wasn't kidding when I said writing that check traumatized me. lol

PS, the carpet that needs replacing is only in two rooms, and the rooms aren't huge, thank God. The back hallway and bedrooms have brand new hardwood and our den has brand new carpet that was replaced free of charge to us courtesy of our electric company. We had a major sewage flood in our house at the time thanks to the failure of the company's pipes. Everything the sewage touched, they replaced, so thank God for that. My mom had the roof replaced about 7-8 years ago, so we've got 10+ more years to go on that at least. The Trane unit we had was a 20+ year unit, and the new one is too. I'll probably be 6 ft under by the time that one goes, so it's all good...but it's crazy what it takes to maintain a home. Next month, when these improvements are finished, I'm looking for work. I had alloted $15 thousand for those improvements...I just didn't realize the AC unit would take up most of it. Just...ugh. I feel I've been robbed. I know I haven't been, that the cost is all in a days work in this world, but...yeah. It's insane. I knew the unit would be expensive, but not THAT expensive. We could have financed it and made payments, but we'd have ended up paying even more in the long run. Right now we don't have house payments, car payments, credit card payments, none of that. Just basic living expenses and I want to keep it that way. Mike, the consultant last night, said this unit will cut our bills in half, especially with new insulation, so at least there's that. I'm just in a funk. I've been living under a rock so long I had no idea how expensive the real world had become.

Thanks for your comments everyone. The lack of shock made me realize that the price we paid is simply the norm today so I do feel a little better. lol

I hope everyone's day is smooth as glass... :)

And Windy...yeah, I agree. The unit going out after 9 years isn't good, especially in a new house. That's crazy.

Our consultant last night, Mike, said that we could get a unit elsewhere (we went with Sears) for a couple grand less...but he also said that those units will NOT hold up because a lot of places use sub standard components in them. He said a lot of units are built, sit around for a year or so before they're shipped over here, sit around another year or two before they're sold, so people get units that are 3 years old before they're ever installed, and the inferior parts have a tendency to dry rot, causing issues. The units sears sells are made to order and don't exist until you actually place that order. I like sears, they sell quality products and stand behind them. Our washing machine, a Kenmore from Sears went out just recently. That thing was 20 years old. I had to get a new washer, but our 20 year old Kenmore dryer is still alive and kicking with no issues at all. Now, like a fool, I bought a Samsung washer, all modern, slick and shiny...it sings to me when it's finished, too. lol But watch that baby conk out after a couple years. :/ I hope not.

With all these revelations I'm getting lately about the cost of living, I'm not sure how in the hell people make it in this world today. If what we're paying is average and the norm, no wonder so many people struggle.

I literally feel a little queasy thinking about it. :(

Want to share with ya'll about my new charges.... Randell and Lorene... hereafter referred to as Mr.M and L......He is 94, a small little guy.... had open heart surgery, a broken hip and severe arthritis.... is totally self sufficient...I help him with nothing... he does everything for himself... she is 93, pleasingly plump, beautiful white hair and a great personality.... I do more for her as her LBD affects her walking.... but she is a hoot.... she is always smiling.... and when she's not, the dementia is wrecking havoc with her, but it only lasts a little while, hugs and pats and gentle words and she calms right down....

Mr.M is totally sharp... we talked politics and world news last night... sharp as a tack.... I think he was pleasantly surprised to be able to have and educated conversation last night.... he really seemed to enjoy it....

Was putting L to bed the other night and asked her if she was tired... her reply, ' well of course, from chopping all that wood" and fell back on the bed laughing... she is always smiling... always says thank you.... so does he.....

So ya, the hours are long, the pay sucks big time.... but so bad, I want to send C a picture of us all laughing , with my hand on Mr.M's crotch !!!!!!!!....

Lady M they sound absolutely lovely - you're well matched. Long may they last to appreciate you! x

Have spent the whole day so far trying to figure out how mother fell out of bed last night. She has no idea. I have no idea. But there she was at five in the morning on her backside on the floor. Not hurt, thank God, but I don't like relying on good luck. Called our new community OT. She said put a single mattress on the floor. a) I haven't got one. b) There isn't room. But I've got loads of cushions and quilts - they'll have to do instead. Then she called back and said roll up a towel, Swiss roll style, and put it under the bottom sheet at the edge of the bed so that mother rolls back into the middle of the bed instead of off the edge and onto the floor. Well, I'm game - got to be worth a shot, I suppose.

So that was helpful. The only thing about this lady is that it takes her five minutes to say anything. So for example when she said about the towel and I thought "oh right, I see, ok" I then had to listen to her explaining the idea seventeen different ways to make sure I understood. But I mustn't be ungrateful. I can weep silently with boredom just as easily as I can scream and swallow my own tongue, after all.

But if mother starts making a habit of this we're going to have to rethink beds. No good falling onto a soft surface if you fall awkwardly - you can still break things quite easily enough. Hoping it was a one off.

CM I promise i won't take five minutes!! can you push a heavy chair back up against the bed. Does Mum need to get out of bed for the toilet? Give her a bell, whistle or a soda can filled with pebbles. you could also try putting her matress and boxspring on the floor
Kept Santa Claus in his bed when he started roaming

CM, I hope so too. If that doesn't work, maybe one of those detachable railings? Except would it make it more difficult for her to to go to the bathroom?

Thank you, both - the set-up since last April has been a grab rail, so she can pull herself up to a sitting position, a commode that she needs twice (usually) a night, a pressure pad so that I know when she gets out of bed, a wrist alarm so that she can call me (she won't. Not if her life depends on it), a baby monitor so that I can listen in and go down to her if it sounds iffy (e.g. crashing or bumping noises, like this morning), plus a wing and a prayer.

I asked about a bed rail. The OT's don't like them. They don't like them because there have been too many accidental deaths in nursing homes, with the rails not being used properly and teeny tiny little old ladies getting bits of themselves wedged between the rail and the mattress. They also have nightmares about demented little old ladies trying to climb over the rails and therefore not only falling but falling from an increased height. So no they won't give us a rail (unless I buy our own. I'll think about that…).

I WISH SHE WOULD CALL ME WHEN SHE WANTS TO GET UP. But, deep breath, sigh, "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride…" She's been resisting calling me for any reason for eighteen months, she's not going to have a sudden change of heart now.

The heavy chair… Hmmm, we must have something like it, that's a good idea. Space is a bit of an issue… And I don't want her to start avoiding going to the loo because she doesn't want to disturb me… But, we must have something that will stop her going for a burton sideways. Just wish I knew how she managed last night's performance - it was a real "what on earth are you doing THERE?" head-scratcher.

Ladee M you are an absotute gem, They don't know what they have got yet. Mr M must have been totally surprised to be able to have an intellegent conversation. i expect everyone else is too busy to listen to his opinions these days.
Naughty idea but you could sit a pair of his pants stuffed with a pillow in a chair and take a picture of your hand on the fly. You could print and crop that and send it anonamously ( wish there was a spell check on this site) to C.
Sounds as though you have landed a good one this time, hopefully the money will come when they realize what they have got assuming they have got it.
Is it still frosty? you can try putting a sheet of plastic over the winshied that might help.Iif not pull your wipers off the windshield so. If all else fails use your rock to make a hole then at least you can see to get home .
One night I had to visit a patient in a snow storm and my wipers failed so I had to drive with my head out of the window. When I got there one of the relatives who was in charge of the local school garage went out in the cold and fixed it. After that we called out the highway dept to plow the road. there is always something fun happening when you work overnight. I hope you are asleep now.

CM, Have a try to get for your Mom for ALARM SYSTEM PAD ( this product worked for me very well when I took care of STROKE client and she was very much fall risk) If you would interested here is one of the site: alimed/alimed/patient-safety-fall-management/alarms-beds/

Started going through MIL cancelled checks to see what needs to be kept and what should be shredded...feeling slightly ill to see all the money she spent on absolute garbage...she bought useless coins that she was convinced were pure gold and spent several thousand dollars. It said .99% not 99%...one mail order catalogue has a check for several thousand dollars...she didn't own anything that would be worth anywhere close to that amount...she was spending about a hundred a month on vet bills for her little rat because she was not honest with the vet about what she was feeding him and they were trying to get his diabetes under control...hence the reason he is blind as a bat now...should have taken things over for her, years before we did. It took me a year to get her money back from a hospital that she paid out of pocket because they never billed her secondary insurance...she never questioned any of it just sent them a check as soon as she saw a bill...plowing through her old records today and feeling really guilty that we were not aware of how bad things had gotten a lot sooner...

Reddog, I can really relate to the issues of financial waste. My dad just bought yet another $200 watch from a mail order catalog… which is really, value wise, a $10 watch… I try to keep an eye on him, but he snuck this purchase by me, and really, what can I say? What burns me so much is that he gets about $450 per month SS and VA, which isn't a lot at all. He can buy the $200 watch but can't help me put a tank of gas in the truck when I run him around all the time for med appointments and grocery shopping.

When I went through my Grandmother's cancelled checks and credit card statements, among other things, I realized one of my cousins had used GM's card to order a "Carleton Sheets How to get rich in Real Estate" system… $400 or so… I found the shipment still in the box here at the house. Now sitting on a shelf in the basement. Anyone want a Carleton Sheets Real Estate System? I have no idea what to do with this box…

Most recently, the Trust has been sending workmen (finally) to put gutted basement back together. So far, the drywall guys used a different pattern of paneling, and a different color of paint, in the area they "repaired." So yeah, basement so far looks ridiculous. And this is what my grandmother saved her whole life for… I just have nothing good to say about a bank's management of this house. I continue to have to spend my own little bit of money if I want anything repaired correctly. Its just weighing on me that they did this level of a botch "repair" to the basement. I'm beside myself and I don't know that I have much recourse.

I'm sure there are laws to protect the elderly from scam artists but the statute of limitations here is 4 years to file a law suit...she's been here for 3 years and I was paying her bills and balancing her check book for a year before that. These are older receipts than that so there is no recourse. I think she sent money to every charity that sent her a plea and once handed 4500 in cash to a total stranger in a parking lot because she was going to help the police catch the people in her bank that were bilking funds from her account. She looked like a teenager who had just wrecked the family car when she came over to tell us she had been scammed. Did file a report with the police but she never even saw the guys face...he walked up from behind her reached in and took the bag of money she had been "instructed" to put the money in...We had to take her and her Precious Gold Coins to 2 different dealers before she would believe that they were not worth anything. The box they were in was worth more than the coins. She was office manager of a major grocery store for years...no idea when she became so gullible. She was buying this stuff thinking it would be something to leave to us and her grandchildren, while living in her apartment and skimping on food for herself. We had no idea until she told us about the money in the bag in the parking lot, and were just grateful that he hadn't harmed her. After we moved her in with us we were getting calls from every scam artist in the country it seemed. We had her phone transferred to our number and I screened all the calls...had one guy get mad and call me a looser because I would not let him talk to her...did report him to the police, nothing they could do because he was calling from out of state, heaven knows what he was trying to sell...from what we could tell he sells junk out of his basement...she may have been his best customer, because he sure got irate when I told him I was handling her affairs and he would have to discuss it with me...all the police could say what that she was lucky to now have someone protecting her...all this from a woman who would not open her door or go outside after sundown...afraid of her own shadow...I think that is how they pressured her into buying some of this junk...it just makes me so mad. This was money from the sale of a home that was to help her support herself to supplement ss and her retirement pittance...Allison good luck on the basement redo...hope it looks better when they are actually finished...

Ya, think the stuffed pants with the hand is a better idea !!!!! But if it didn't have faces in it she would swear it was Gene....lol

Only got three hours of sleep today.... the illegals here in the park think I really want to hear their music.... so that is what woke me up and then couldn't get back to sleep... called my neighbor to go talk to them..... told her I was going to call the cops next time..... so it's going to be a looooong night.... but then I have two whole days off.... Woot Woot....

Hope the weather is improving for everyone.....has been nice here today.... sun shining..... won't be long and the AC will be running all the time... will probably sleep better then.... filters out the noise outside...

Ya, the job seems to be good... no complaints.... but as I said, I went into this one very different.... and C has still not paid me..... so will just have to settle for Karma dong her thing with C and chalk it up to lesson learned.... I am not going to go thru any more stress over this..... it's only money... yes, money I need, but my needs are tended to and I get paid tonight.... so, I'm am just grateful to be out of that chaos and stress.... Miss Gene and the dogs..... makes my heart sad when I think about them..... deep sigh......

Anyway, will get caught up this weekend with ya'll..... too tired to think right now.... hugs, love, angels and chocolate to all of you....

PS..... yes they have the money to pay me more..... this is the part of Texas that had an oil boom a few years back.... they have the money, trust me.... and will be keeping my eyes and ears open for something that pays more.... just the nature of my job.... but we all know we don't do this for the money.... but would sure make me fee good if I got a raise here... oh well..... later....

How do I feel today? Lousy.

Thank you STP - that bed belt looks just the job, something that will alert me BEFORE she gets up. The motion sensor looks good too, but I don't think it'd give me time to get there; we already have a pressure pad in the bed, so I know when she gets up. Only remaining challenge might be getting her to agree to put the belt on… but ve haff vays…

Oh. And they won't sell to lay persons. I'll get our OTs onto it. Thanks again x

Reddog don't feel guilty about not realising sooner. We all have 20:20 hindsight x

My day started out with good intentions. Brought our little dog along today to visit mom in AL as it was almost 30 degrees. Had to carry the little dude along with all the other stuff as the parking lot was full of slushy snow. I was fine with that and just happy to get him out. With the bitter winter we've had the poor guy has had to stay at home alone for hours everyday - and he lives for car rides and being outdoors. He's been deprived for months!

Took the dog upstairs to plug in mom's e-cigs and accomplish her list of tasks and hustled back down to the bistro to have lunch with mom. It is so rare that another dog is there, but yes, today was the day! My dog hates other dogs so you can imagine...

I felt so paralyzed. Mom wants me to go order lunch for her and get a plate for myself as I forgot to grab one from her room on my way back. That's 2 floors up and a block away and I have a pissed off dog in my lap. Okey dokey. Drag the dog back up there. Lunch is brought out and now I need to split it, again with one hand as I'm restraining my dog with the other. Mom's not happy as I did not take enough food and this winter will not end, ever, as in never ever, ever. Lovely soul sucking negativity. I can't hardly think of anything to say to her anymore. She twists most everything to a bad ending. Meanwhile the other dog people sit there with no conversation either, just eavesdropping on us and I'm willing them to please leave in my mind. I'm there every other day and I've never seen them before and they stayed an hour and a half not talking at all. Argggh!

Then the whole place filled up with people and their walkers and chairs being moved around. Seems the monthly resident's meeting is now in the bistro. My mom hates any interaction or involvement with other residents and I was 'a-heming' to her we might want to leave. She said no, she wanted to finish her one a day glass of wine. Her back was to the room. She turned her head, saw all the people and downed her wine saying 'we're leaving NOW.'

Okay....I have a dog, my coat, bags, her in her wheelchair and a sea of people and walkers to get through...I felt so upset with her. I just wanted to run away as she is the one that put herself in that place, mentally and physically, with my warning and now I had to deal with it. Inside, I was saying, what a bitch!

I was enjoying the meeting, hearing what activities they had coming up and dreaming of the life she COULD have if she wasn't so "whatever she is". On the way to her room she complained constantly about 'those' people and I just about wanted to give up on her. Soul sucking negativity all around. I hate being around that all the time. No wonder my dad got sick and died. She is a vortex.

I love my mom. She's always been a control freak, but I don't like her much at all anymore. Having a down day today. She won't get tested for dementia, but many years ago she was diagnosed with hardening of the arteries of the brain. She's had TIA's that I'm sure of as I've witnessed them, refuses medical care. I'll continue to be there for her and love her. The day to day is wearing.

It's nothing compared to all of you in the trenches with your people under your roof. I didn't say loved ones, because for some of us here on AC, that's not exactly applicable. I try to understand and I admire your strength of character for how hard it must be for you. You are special people and God will not forget. I will not forget. He gave us each other and I am thankful for each of you caregivers that read through the story of my day. You all have so much more to deal with and I am thankful for the friendships here.

I wish you all some sleep, and peace of mind in your life.