This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Well, now I'm off to get a new mop and bucket for the sun room. Going to be scrubbing, mopping and cleaning windows today. It's going to be close to 70 degrees at last! :D So tired of being cold!
Later everyone!
Oh, did I tell you guys that our big, fat cat Fuzz has developed this weird habit of hissing and growling at his butt? O_o No idea what that's about. At first I thought he might have something stuck on it so I checked, but no... He just growls and hisses at it when he cleans himself. Well, he's going to the vet soon, along with our other two cats, so maybe we'll figure it out.
Later!
SA the new furniture and acessories sound delicious - no males allowed or dogs for that matter. Glad you and Sean are seeing a lawyer at least you will know where you stand. Had you considered ceramic tile for the sunroom? that could be even cheaper than laminate and look really good in there. I think the laminate will look very nice if you choose a darker color. Wicker used to be cheap till it became fashionable and came in nicer colors. Unless you are doing it yourself labor should be about the same. I could do all that kind of stuff myself until my body gave out. I think I could as long as someone was not breathing down my neck and telling me I should not be doing that. Hope Walmart hurries up. I love that site to store I have ordered several things that way. they just take a long time to ship.
I hope you enjoy every minute of it, and that your kids get a vision of what life can look like when it's not filled with the kind of angst the last 12 years put into your lives. I know that if it were me, I'd sit in that room, call them in for a cool drink of something we all liked, gaze out toward the lake, and promise them that I'd never, EVER put them through what your mom just did. That *this* is what I want to pass down to them. Not the pain. Not the angst. Just peace and love.
*hugs*
I'm sooo glad he gave you some money to defray the cost. Remember.. document, document, document! Do you have an Excel spreadsheet in your computer? Log down the check number, date and amount. Beside it, note what you used it for. Do you have a scanner or a place you can photocopy the receipts? This will protect you from being accused by the family.
SA - You must be having fun planning the sunroom. We got laminate after a bad water leak. It is pretty but can be a pain to clean. Hey, maybe Fuzz does not like his butt anymore and that is why he growls at it. No, it sounds like something is wrong I am glad that you are bringing then to the vet. Take care of YOU!!!!
Hi ya'll - Well, I was in the back yard just now and had gotten some flowering plants to put in the pots in the back. All of a sudden I started remembering how my Mom and I used to plant them together. I started crying and asking her if it looked okay. I planted three plants in one big pot because mom always told me to do it that way. I was just sharing until I fell good enough to go back out. Thanks you all for being there.
Baby bro has been home for 2 days now. He said that he doesn't know how sis and I can deal with father's mouth all this time. I purposely ignored father's requests, so baby bro ended up getting up and down doing whatever father wanted. I even pretended to be taking a nap so bro had to continue to deal with father's requests. =)
Hugs to everyone... and yes Assa, we need Spring, badly, we need something else to bitch about , and in my case it will be our God awful summers.... love ya'll..
Thanks Suze..... we all need to feel what I felt this past weekend..... but I know its not going to last.... so will enjoy it while it lasts.... I so wish I could send you some of the 'detachment with love' that I am experiencing with my son.... to not have to put yourself thru all that with your mom..... and without the guilt.... I am so grateful I joined alanon.... is helping me tremendously with the issues
with my son.... and have ways to deal with the guilt when and if it pops up.. I think this would be a great 12 step program for caregivers also....just worded different..... think of you all the time and hoping you find another frog in your plants in the basement.... that would be a great springtime surprise for you.... hope Bro comes thru for you this summer.....sending you lots of hugs.....
Well to work this evening.... see yall tomorrow... love and hugs...
As far as hospice is concerned my opinion would be that she already meets the criteria and does not need to loose weight. She has cancer after all and that is usually enough. You can contact hospice yourself and tell them what you have described to us. The Dr does have to approve the admission but you can make the contact yourself.
Once you get hospice in you can stop dragging her to Drs appointments and just keep her comfortable at home with all the assistance hospice has available.
When this stage is reached life expectancy is usually a matter of weeks. the hospice nurses will give you a better idea once they see her. Blessings to you and MIL and hubby I am sure he is trying his best.
D*** these bad dreams that continue.
The other night I had another nightmare, or at least a dream that was very upsetting. All I remember about it is the look of absolute fear on my mom's face. I could see her, but I couldn't reach her. I kept calling her and she was staring at me, but I couldn't HELP her, couldn't seem to get to her no matter how hard I tried... The frustration and my own fear in that dream was intense. I woke up from that really upset.
This afternoon's nightmare was a doozy, a scary one. My mom was in some kind of old, abandoned warehouse and I was there with her. It was empty and dark, but I could still see somehow... My mom wasn't quite my mom. It looked like her, but I knew something was seriously wrong. We were walking down this long hallway with concrete floors and at the end to the right was a doorway with stairs leading down, down, down a looooong way. She kept saying 'I have to get back, I have to get back' over and over again. I asked her what the hell she was talking about, what she was doing, thinking about going down those stairs...even in the dream I KNEW that whatever was down there was bad news, I wasn't going down there and I didn't want her to go and I tried to stop her. When I did she turned on me and attacked me verbally, screaming at me and pushing me away... Her voice was gutteral, almost demonic and she had a horrible, hateful look on her face. It was her, but it wasn't. Scared the bejeezus out of me. She went into the doorway, I'm trying to grab her, she's fighting me and wins, and starts going down... Suddenly, this dude pops up and is there out of nowhere, and I'm screaming at him, telling him that my mom is in trouble, that she just went down those d*** stairs...I'm running back and forth, between this guy and these stairs, completely panicked and frantic, he's telling me not to sweat it, that she's just fine....then I wake up, bringing the panic right with me into reality. Just...ugh! I just wish this shit would STOP already. :( These dreams are very upsetting. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to dread going to sleep.
Had dinner at Denny's last night what a disaster. The bar tender did not know how to make the drink Hubby ordered then he did not know what wines he had so he brought out three bottles to show hubby. He need not have bothered they were all undrinkable. Not that I am really drinking these days just the odd glass when we go out. Could not even finish mine last night. I ordered salmon only to be told they were out so settled for very inferior fish and chips. Took half of it home so hubby had that for lunch today. The waitress told us she works 50 hours a week and is only paid $2 an hour so hubby overtipped her
This afternoon hubby took both cars to the car wash which was a great improvement.
Have a good night Love
This weekend was consumed with in-law bickering. *sigh* Had a day off of visiting mom which I enjoyed. Hubby, son, nephew and I went into Minneapolis and went to a Mexican restaurant I'd been dying to try. It was so darn gooood. Then we went to the Twin Cities auto show and drooled over cars that are the price of a house! They sure were beautiful all shiny and parked on immaculate carpet. Then it was time to go back outside in the slush and crud and my not so pretty car. Gets me from point A to point B and that's all that matters to me. :) It was a nice late winter escape.
Think of you too a lot woman who ate my sister. LOL! That's my worst typo of all time! :P
SA: are you taking any sleeping meds or meds for depression? They can cause such terrible nightmares or daymares; Don't be afraid to go to sleep - you are needing sleep from being so exhausted. Please see your doctor and tell him what is going on. Blessings, prayers and hugs to you too.