This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My cousin took care of his bed-ridden (couldn't move at all) wife for decades with MS (more than anyone would surely due... he loved her so much). She passed away a few years ago... but, she started to tell him very negative things (about him)... which hurt him deeply... Even through the hurt he said he knows it's the 'illness' that changes people... For some... when you're sick you're just not the same person any more.
You're doing the best you can do (more than most people)... I hope you will be kind to yourself. This site and the people on it will support you immensely... God Bless You!
First of all loose the guilt. You are a caregiver and you can only do your best. Ask your wife what she expects from you. Most caregivers are female and learn on the job. Few are caregiver material but the ocassional male makes an excellent job of it so don't give up. It sounds as though your wife may be angry about her illness, which is a very normal reaction but YOU can't fix it. As she is in Hospice may be the social worker could talk to you both and and find out what the real problems are. The hospice RNs are very good at noticing anxiety and depression and can ask her Dr for medications. You could also benefit if you are finding this role a strain.
Do not expect your wife to take care of household tasks like cooking laundry and cleaning. Ask her to show you how to do those things because you will have to when she is gone. Have you seen an eldercare lawyer and got things like power of attorney in place and DNR if that is what she wants. Find out what her wishes are for a funeral and if she agreehave the funeral director visit.
Many men do appear senfish especially after a long marriage where the wife has tended to their needs so I think the main thing to do is when you want something for your self like playing golf on a nice sunny day first ask your wife if there is anywhere she would like to go first and if she would rather stay home ask her if she minds you going out and make sure she is comfortable before you leave.
It's not hard but it does take practice. Blessings to you both. Everyone is caregiver material but everyone also has their limits so get help when you need it and continue to visit here. people very generously share their experiences, feelings and ideas.
I sunk into such a deep and helpless (though I kick the world in the butt all day everyday) depression, that I haven't been able to say a word.
So for you that can keep you head above water enough to worry, b****, moan, commiserate, compfort and complain, I salute you!
Sounds as tho you are giving what you have.... and be ok with that.... if you didn't care or didn't want to do things a little different, you wouldn't have come on here and asked questions..... all any of us do, is do the best we can....day to day....
It comes more natural for a woman to be 'compassionate'..... that doesn't mean you lack in compassion, it means it is shown in different ways..... one thing I do have to give men credit for.... there is a piece of themselves that is left over at the end..... women get lost in the 'giving'.... somehow a man can maintain his foundation.... and have something left to rebuild on....
So you have qualities we don't have.... be proud of that.... just always let her know she is loved... in the end, that's all that really matters....
We hope to see you again.... sending you hugs and prayers for you to accept that your 'good enough' is good enough...
I'm sure his tooth infection (it sounds like an abscess if it's got that big, and might need draining) looks much worse to you than it feels to him. It's astonishing how little discomfort they seem to feel: my old cat, Sweeney, looked like a bad case of lop-sided mumps but I was sure there couldn't be an abscess because she was purring away and seemed perfectly happy. I was dead wrong, there was a whopper, she just hadn't been especially bothered by it.
I love Jack Russells, would have been very tempted to get one except that I don't think the cat or the chickens would have been so happy! And then Zach, our Staffy rescue dog, came along and needed a forever home - what could I say?
Feeling a lot fonder of animals than I am of humans right now. I think the strain is getting to me. Tomorrow we have an ENT appointment at the hospital, meds to collect from the dispensary, the chiropodist coming to our house after five. Hope we'll be back in time. The day after that we're going to visit a residential centre with my sister, and meet the manager - nice lady, hope she'll make a good impression on mother, too.
The deal five years ago was that Guy and I would be caring for mother. He's backing out. We're all moving on. Not sure I can hack it on my own, looking after her, especially not as she continues to deteriorate mentally. Difficult, because it's possible I'd be doing better if I didn't have the stress of a dead relationship and a major relocation on my hands as well; but how can you be sure?
And what wouldn't I give for a couple of weeks' solitude, there's the thing. Deep breaths. Onwards and onwards.
Just a heads up, ya'll. I'm a big kid at heart, and hopefully, I always will be. :)
Hope your evening is a smooth, quiet and peaceful one, everybody.
If she settles well it could be permanent or take her to your new abode after the move. you could even have her for week ends if it did not confuse her too much.
By the way if you had a Jack Russell you would have your rat problem taken care of.
SA I don't think your trips to fantasy land are silly at all. Anything that takes your mind off whatever horror you are currently facing is very therapeutic.
Everyone has a big kid in there somewhere. don't the demented loved ones show their childish ways all the time? Hugs and blessings everyone
~Janet~
often at the end of life a loved one talks about going home. That can often mean that they are speaking of dying. Answer him lovingly and tell him it will be soon and that you are going as far on that journey as you can and won't leave his side. Have a priest or minister visit if he is a man of faith
And guess who pays the bills and insurance around here? Yeah. I told Sean that HE'd be paying everything NEXT month, that it wouldn't be me. Forget this and his stupid attitude.
And LadeeC, you got that right. Sleep. What a beautiful thing. It amazes me how much I missed just sleeping. Now, being able to sleep whenever I need to feels like a freaking miracle. Just lying down in bed and able to relax, knowing I won't have to jump up for anything, feels SO good I can't explain it. I'll never look at sleep the same way again that's for sure. Now, I appreciate it more than I can say. I took a long nap this afternoon, slept till about 5, now it's 10:30 p.m and I'm about ready to go right back to bed. lol Ahhhhhh....beautiful.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/I-am-so-overwhelmed-with-taking-care-of-my-critically-ill-mother-and-my-32-yr-old-son-who-is-handica-166711.htm
I hope your day gets much better! Here's hoping for a quiet afternoon!
Today is one of those days. I know I get like this because of my care giving role for so long. I don't want to DEAL with anything or anybody. I don't want to have to come up with answers and solutions. I don't want to hear what anyone has to say. What I do want is to be alone. What I do want is to go outside and sit in the silence. What I NEED is total and complete solitude, to just go off alone and get into my own mind. I don't know how to explain that any better. It's like I need time to stop the chaos in my mind. Everybody and every d*** thing is on my nerves today.
The heating and air guys are coming this morning to start putting the AC unit in. I asked Sean to deal with them when they got here because honestly, I didn't feel like it. I told him 3 hours ago that they'd be here at 10:00. Then, my stomach tightened just slightly because I knew what was coming.... Wait for it...wait for it.... Sure enough. Not half an hour before 10, Sean comes and tells me that he's going to the bathroom and if he isn't out, deal with the workmen.... **SIGH** Then I kick myself for being so irritated over something so petty. But is it petty? I don't know. I just know that sometimes, like today, I just want quiet. I don't want to deal with the bill people, I don't want to deal with the vet bill that's $1100 today, I don't want to deal with making ANY d*** decision or think about and sweat how much this is costing to get caught up in all that desperately needs doing, cost or no cost....and I get sick of it all and just don't want to deal for a day or two. I want away. Yet, like today, I have to deal whether I want to or not and that's when I start to feel a little, just a tad, like I'm coming unhinged.
When I get this way, when I crave and need alone time, but I can't get it, the dragon starts to wake. The longer I have to go, deprived of my solitude, the more pissed and irritable I get until I feel like I'm going to bite someone's head off, chew it up and spit it out, if they expect me to handle or deal with even one more thing THIS MINUTE and only this minute. All other times to call me is alright, all other times to have expectations of me, fine. But RIGHT NOW, this second, I don't want to hear it....what do I have to do, or say, to get people to understand that now isn't a really good time for me and DEAL ON THEIR OWN.
Sean and Dylan act like they're still 5 and expect me to do everything. Is it freaking unreasonable that sometimes I don't want to do shit for anybody? I don't think so.
AA7 the snow will melt. Go out and make some snow balls and hurl them as viciously as you can at something anything, just not your neighbor's windows.
Thought for the day from a church bullitin board
.
"Don't let worry kill you - let the church help"
Not even a smile from either of you? here's another one.
"Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir - they need all the help they can get"
Come on you two where is your funny bone hiding?
Final try then I give up
"This evening there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and prepare to sin."
That's better I see a little twitch at the corners of your mouth.
You'd better laugh because I have two more pages like that.
Hugs to you both and anyone else bored enough to read this nonsense.
Poor Sean and Dylan. (Do you hear the sarcasm?) I gave it to them with both barrels a little while ago. I did mention that things were on my nerves and stressing me out earlier here. Dylan made the mistake of criticizing me about how I feed the cats. I didn't take that well, nor did I like the tone he made that comment in and my hackles went up in an instant. Dylan said I overfeed them, that I give them '6' cans a day and keep their dry food filled 24/7. Really. I informed him of reality. That the cats get fed only one can a day and get their dry food dish filled one time a day. Then Sean came out and that reminded me of how he pissed and moaned about the high cost of having the work around here done and that added to my irritation. I informed them both that if they had any complaints about any decision I made around here, or issues about the manner in which I get those things done, they were more than welcome to take over the job and do it themselves if they had better ideas than mine, and thought they could do a better job. I was dead serious. I might be making all kinds of mistakes. Who knows. I ask their opinions, I tell them what's going on, what needs doing, ask them how they'd like to handle it, what are our options, etc, etc....and I'm blown off and met with disinterest. Great. I finally get tired as h*** of talking and handle things that MUST be handled. If either my boys want to take on more responsibility, I'm all for it. I'm HAPPY about it. Yay! Less s*** on me! I told them both today that they needed to get off their butts, start acting like men and doing what adults do, which is taking care of business you NEED and HAVE to take care of, and stop expecting me to do it all and handle all this mess. Both of them should be contributing something financially either to this house, or to themselves. Both of them should be, say, able to contribute to groceries for themselves and stop expecting me to just buy food every time they're out of something or want something. The hell with that. I'm nobody's pack mule and I let them know that straight up this morning. Their lack in doing, helping or doing anything at all but holing up in their individual caves, and pointing that out was simple reality and I felt they needed a dose of it. I let them know what they were putting on me with their bad decisions and laziness. I'm not miserable because of them, they won't ruin my life, but they are causing me a lot of worry that, frankly, I shouldn't have to worry about and that I was tired and weary of it. If they want to criticize anything I do then they best be willing to step up and do a better job themselves, and that's anybody. I'm more than happy to step back instead of up at this point.
I don't know what my problem is. I'm just pissy. There's no help for it. I think I'll go out and get myself some of those coconut rings covered in chocolate that I like so much... I don't remember the name of them. I just discovered them. I'm suddenly feeling a strange urge for about 12 of those things. :D
Caregivers do it 24/7? LOL!! If only I had the time!
It may not always be a 'physical' 24/7... but, it's definitely a 'mental' 24/7... (LOL... NOT!)