This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
let them run out of shampoo. Let the TP run out. hide a roll for you. Then leave for 2 weeks. OK so you can't afford a vacation. Volunteer for something. There are plenty of opportunities out there. A woman I knew used to go to Mexico every year with Habitat. let them experience living for a change instead of existing.
Want to share some good news... got a raise and found out I will get a weeks paid vacation !!!!!! I was stunned..... so thinks are looking up in Ladeeville!!!
Ok, last night to work... I'm a tired girl.... will talk to ya'll this weekend... gotta run..... lots of hugs to all of you and chocolate.... lots of chocolate...
so she went and she has been completely out of it all afternoon. I don't know if it was the stress or anger but she has been completely off all evening. She thinks she is visiting here and is planning on 'going home' in the morning. She thinks she was babysitting my youngest niece and wonders where she went...'Did her mother pick her up?'...she asked me if 'the girls' are in bed already...I asked "what girls" and she said "I don't know". She keeps saying she doesnt' know what she did with her 'stuff' but can't tell me what 'stuff' she's missing. I don't understand why she is so bad so suddenly...what happened at the doctors?! My aunt says nothing happened...
My mother IS fading off into dementia but she denies it soo vehemently...she says "IF I'm crazy, how did I raise five kids on my own all those years!? I made As all through school!"
I have tried to explain to her that dementia isn't about the past, and that my grandmother had it...I say "Mom, do you want to be like Grandma was? we have to do something about it NOW before it gets that bad!" I tried to point out specific instances of her not knowing what is going on but she just in such denial. I completely understand..it HAS to be scary but if there is something that can HELP, I want her to get it!
I am not really stressed....I can only do what I can do, and I take one day at a time but it does make me sad that she is so far gone and I didn't realize it til too late.
The Sparkster was supposed to have surgery today for what we found out on Monday was a very badly abscessed tooth. The vet gave us anti-biotics and painkillers and set up surgery for this Thursday morning.
Monday night he didn't sleep at all, hence I didn't either, and by Tuesday morning his face was just horrible looking. The medicine was not making a dent, obviously. I rushed him to the vet again and they took one look and put him first in line for surgery. He was under for two and a half hours. Four teeth were removed, the rest scaled and cleaned. His sinuses were drained as the infection had clogged them and they made an incision under his eye to drain the rest. The Dr. said it was the worst abscess she had seen in almost 30 years of practice. He was there for eight hours and looked like he had been on the losing end of a boxing match when I picked him up. They added a secondary painkiller so now I have three pills to get into him and he's a terrier all the way. With mouth problems! Wasted three of each medication trying to get him medicated. First nicely in wet food, then soft cheese, then the hard way by forcing it in the side of his mouth and he bit me. I don't blame him, I'd bite me too! I just knew he had to have these meds to get better. Sooo frustrating. I was in tears and I know Spark picked up on that too. Didn't make it better. I've had dogs all my life, but they were always the big kind that gobbled anything down. :)
Yesterday I made an early call about liquid meds and the tech said she'd get back to me. Hauled him along to visit mom and while she sympathized, she still had me running to the store for her favorite candy and other non-sensical crap. I was nervous waiting for the vet call and she just ordered me around like it was a normal day. Self-absorbed much???
Finally got out of there and just took him into the vet without a call back. The saw him right away, shaved a spot on his back and gave him a dermal patch for pain relief. The tech messed up the slow release antibiotic injection mixture though, so I took him back in again today to get that. No more pills, but a whole lot deeper in debt.
Grossed out too, that I have to drain the incision under his eye twice daily with a warm compress and press to drain the goop. I'm sure THAT will go well.
Have to watch him closely, and want to, with all this going on so he'll accompany me again to mom's ALF. Sparky's well loved by most of the residents there so he'll get plenty of attention. Me, I'd just like to take the day off tomorrow and snuggle and rest with him. Maybe in my next life!
Love and hugs to all who are going through a lot worse than dog problems right now. I'm thanking God my mom's not constipated during this time. Double whammy! :)
Bad news: We're going away because I'll be a year older on Sunday!
Whatever! any excuse to get the h**** out of here for 24 hrs. Why is it that 24 hours goes by so slow when I'm careing for Mom? But I know it's gonna fly by when I'm away!!
I feel so bad. I feel lower than low. We still have my mom's dog, Reba. She's over 17 years old. She's been looking so ratty lately and every single time I'd lay eyes on her I'd tell myself I'd groom her, clip her up. I always blew it off, put it off. I shouldn't have.
Yesterday I took a REALLY good look at Reba and I was horrified. She was so matted up it was ungodly. It's like her whole body was one big mat and I knew she had to be uncomfortable. I immediately felt like a louse, that I had allowed that dog to get into such a condition. I know better. There is no excuse for that. None.
I grabbed towels and put them up here on our kitchen counter and had Reba lie down and I started snipping with scissors. My grooming clippers are as dull as a butter knife. It took me 2 1/2 hours to get every single knot and mat out of that dog. My back was on fire from bending over but I didn't care. I wanted to punish myself for such an inexcusable, colossal, stupid ass neglect on my part. I didn't give a shit if my back broke, I was determined that that dog not have another knot on her another second of another day. I got all the knots and then it was time for a good bath. I soaked her in a mild salt water solution for her skin. It was sore in some places where she'd been chewing at herself. The chewing on herself thing is nothing new though. She's been doing that since she was a young dog and we've never been able to figure out what's up with that. We've had every skin test under the sun done at the vet and he can't come up with squat. It's not something she does constantly, but just certain times of year, so now the vet just gives us this skin spray that clears up the raw skin within a day or two. But still....
Not only was that dog matted up, she was filthy. I soaked her in the mild salt water for about 3-4 minutes. Then I washed her and gave her a really good scrub and rinsed until she squeaked. I was relieved that she was comfortable again. She ran around like a puppy after that bath.
Here I am, dogging my kids for being lazy and neglecting things and I'm the worst offender.
The relief I feel that Reba is clean, clipped, washed and feeling so much better knows no bounds. I can't believe that I ever let that dog get in such a state. That's the kind of behavior towards pets that I detest in others and I don't want to hear their excuses. There is no excuse good enough. I don't listen to excuses from others and I have none to give. I f'ed up. It won't happen again in this lifetime. I've got to start paying closer attention to Reba. Well, right now she's on my favorite chair, with her head on a soft pillow, snoring and having a good snooze. I feel better now that she's the way she's supposed to be.
I wish I could still take Reba to the groomers, but that's impossible. She's too old to handle that. I don't think, at her age, the stress of it, and she was always stressed going to the groomers, would be good for her. She's still healthy, but she can't stand for hours without her legs shaking and I don't want to put her through that. I'm just going to have to be much more vigilant from now on and remember to give her a good clip every couple weeks.
I've been really upset ever since I saw the state that dog was in. I can't describe the level of guilt that I feel over this. I'm in a funk today. I've been in a funk the last few days, but I'll get over it eventually.
AA7, AWESOME. Glad you're getting a taste of sweet freedom! :) And Happy Birthday! And yeah, I know what you mean. When I cared for my mom, especially after she really declined, 24 hours felt like 24 years. But get out to do something fun and relaxing and 24 hours is like 24 seconds. Crazy, isn't it?
She still understands enough and is of the age where mental decline was viewed as a weakness which is why she can't be mentally ill in her mind.Here I will go out on a limb and say she is not. She has a disease which happens to be in her brain. If she had, say arhritis in her back and could no longer do her own shopping or manage a shower alone in the same way she would be incapacitated and need help. She has a brain defect if you will that effects her function.
Part of dementia is that anything new causes the symtoms to worsen even if it's only temporarily which is why a regular routine is so important.
Your aunt said nothing unusual happened at the Dr's office and for a visit to a psychologist there probably was nothing unusual but it is common for patients to go in or come out of the office visibly upset, crying, angry, a parent arguing with a child someone who kicks a chair on the way out, those kinds of things that don't usually happen in a regular dr's office. Did she go in alone? There was probably a comfortable arm chair to sit in, the lights were low, the therapist was kindly but asked a lot of questions but there was no sign of medical equipment no B/P measurement and no table to lie on and no hands on examination. Her thoughts were probably focussed on the fact that she is not crazy so why was she there and who thinks she is.
All of this accounts for why she is "off" as you put it. As you will have probably read from others there is no way to reason some one out of it. for example when she asked if the girls were in bed answer that they are or something similar and redirect the conversation to something familiar like asking if she wants to watch. TV tonight.
You don't know what your sister told Mom's Dr to get a psychologist appointment in the first place so go from there. Talk to the Dr and find out what he/she thinks is Mom's state of decline and if there are any medications that can help her.
Try not to mention grandma's dementia again because that will focus mom's attention on how grandma behaved and she will just remember all the crazy things she saw. Remember distant memories remain the freshest. You did nothing wrong in having Mom keep the appointment you will probably hear from the Dr about any recommendations. Mom will probably have forgotten all about it in a day or two. So sorry you had such a rude awakening about the decline you are seeing but at least you can be better prepared and maybe do some research. Other people have recommended what sound like excellent reading material and I am sure others will have plenty of advice. Blessings for you and Mom
It's occurred to me now that I have to treat Reba, well, like I treated my mom. Even though she does act like a puppy at times, she's a really old dog. She's slowing way down and I haven't wanted to see that. I looked away when I should have looked dead on. Big, fat blunder on my part and it never should have happened in the first place. I can forgive myself...eventually...once, but not twice.
And honestly, V, I had that exact same thought myself about my mom.
I too have had a long term relationship with dogs but like you always big ones and have the advantage of a daughter who is a Vet.
Can you crush the medication and disolve it in some liquid, just a small amount and draw it up in a syringe(no Needle) and squirt it as far back in his mouth as possible. If you can wrap him tightly in a towel that will give better control. If you have a helper and a sturdy pair of leather gloves one of you can hold the dog's mouth open. How do you feel about giving Sparky an injection? The vet can show you. Get a muzzle so he won't be able to bite you.
He is a small dog how would he react to being held by the scruff of his neck like a mother dog or any other mamel doe a puppy. The usual reaction is for them to go limp, I know it works with the cats then you can quickly slip a needleless syringe into the side of his mouth. Of course have a treat ready. He will probably need the antibiotics for a while so if you can manage it may save some $$$$s at the vet's office. You can change the patch yourself or even learn to give a shot for that too.
None of this is rocket science. I used to give the horses, dogs and cats shots when we had the farm. We also gave them wormer every two months and that came as a paste that you have to put in the back of their mouth or they spit it out again. AND THEY HAVE VERY BIG TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not as sharp as Sparky's though. I hope he feels better soon and you can afford to buy food again
Day one.
-Mami, I'm home
-Maricusa, que linda! (That's mom)
-How was your day at daycare with the Viejitos mom?
-Good but I need to tell you something, I haven't gone to the bathroom.
-ok mom! I'll give you something with your pills tonight.
-ok.
Day 1.
When I call daycare:
Hi there, has my mom gone to the bathroom?
-no, not yet, we gave her some prune juice.
- thanks, I gave her the meds the doctor prescribed for her constipation.
Day 2
When I pick mom from daycare.
-Hi mom
- hiiiiii, you know I can't go to the bathroom. You need to give me something.
-ok mom. We'll repeat the dosage tonight and I will give you a suppository.
Day 3.
- yes, I'm calling to know how my mom is and if she has gone to the bathroom.
-no, not yet, we're giving her lots of water, light food and prune juice too.
-great, I'm sure she'll go tonight.
-oh yes, after everything she's being given I'm sure she will (daycare owner)
Day 4:
Call to the doctor, take notes really quick cause I'm at work and I don't think anyone would really be interested in my 86 year old mother and her constipation. The list is long but I can run to the drugstore right after work
Day 5:
Hello, has my mother gone yet?
Oh yes, it took us almost all day, prune juice, some of her constipation med was given to her with warm water and we changed her, her dirty capris are in a small bag for you.
- oh my, what a relief, my mother finally went! Thank you so much, you guys are great.
Picking up my mother from daycare:
-hi mom, how are you?
- fine but I had diarrhea ( worried look in moms eyes)
- no mom, you just went to the bathroom a lot, aren't you happy?
- I had diarrhea (worried look again)
I keep driving wondering what bottle of wine I will have my husband open for me tonight, after all it is Friday night, or isn't it?
Yup, that would be me and the way I feel just about now.
Hope everyone has a nice weekend.
I just don't know what to do to help her. Or what to expect...I guess part of this is that I worry that I should be DOING something...and I have no idea what to do.
Am I awful to pray that she goes before her mind leaves her? Although that idea makes my stomach clinch up. Why is this so hard? It's NATURAL that parents die before us...you would think nature would prepare us for it like it does for childbirth..