This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Because my energy level is slowly rising after getting out of the toxic environment I was in.... I went out the other day to go to the store... my neighbor was outside.... soon as she saw me.... she starts telling me about this ongoing feud with another neighbor..... I could feel myself just starting to sink within myself... so I put my hand up.... like STOP.... she finally took a breath, and I said, I am absolutely not interested in this.....when people have no personal boundaries, I really don't think they can be offended.....they just don't get it that their issues are not mine, and that I simply don't care about gossip and all the negativity.....I don't know if she was offended or not.... better for her to be offended than me.....
And when I get the luxury of going on the back roads hunting for rocks and interesting pieces of wood for my art work... I call that 'going to church'..... peace, quite, nature.... fresh air... that's when I can 'listen' to God......and I go alone...
As caregivers, we don't get enough alone time.... so we feel so overwhelmed all the time.... no peace, no quite.... I read on here so many times that we just will put our charges to bed and set in the silence..... silence is a good thing.... that's where we get to reconnect with our self..... and our SELF matters..... so kudos to anyone who can get some ALONE time.... no explanations needed.... this is our life.... we can walk where we want to.... and we don't need anyone's permission......
One word to help your stress: Gelato. That is all. :)
LadeeC, yes. I get that totally. I can *be* sociable, but I'm not that way by nature. According to the experts who dish on humanity and the nature of humanity, my nature must be flawed somehow. I mean, who REALLY wants to be alone, right? It's not that I literally want to be alone 24/7, or can't handle people at all. I don't and I can. But sometimes it feels good to get away from humanity for awhile. And yeah, give me somewhere in the middle of nowhere before you ask me to endure a party. Just thinking about the energy it would take for me to HAVE to socialize and talk continuously makes me tired. I need and require alone time to recharge and I'm so glad people get that.
When I worked, I worked with the public. All day. Every day. I had to talk. I had to answer questions. I had to handle issues. I dealt with listening to complaints. I dealt with bosses. I was good at sales in spite of my anti social nature, but when the day was over I'd go home, turn on the lights to my fishtanks, take a hot shower and just...veg. Ahhhhhh, just me, the tanks and the sounds of water bubbling around me and the occasional white russian with a shot of butter shots butterscotch flavored schnapps thrown in...just me and the dog, chillin' in the quiet. Loved it. Needed it. Craved it. Getting away from humanity felt like getting away from a vast, huge entity that was sucking my blood dry. This sounds awful, but being around people so much felt almost like being poisoned. If I'm around people for too long, if I can't get away from everyone at least for awhile, I literally start feeling sick. When I get away, I feel immediately more energized, not nearly as queasy and a whole lot less tired. The longer I'm around the masses, the more I need and crave solitude. I've never been able to explain this to anyone. In high school, when friends were talking about the latest party someone was having and what they were going to wear, blah, blah, I'd just hide out and make it impossible for them to get hold of me. I got tired of trying to explain that no, parties really didn't thrill me and being looked at like some kind of new spore under the microscope and people always asking if 'I'm ok'.... Yeah, I'm fine, thanks...I'm just really grateful that I've found people that just understand that aspect of me without making me feel like I'm somehow abnormal for something that just feels natural to me. After reading your posts I feel a whole lot better about this quirk of mine, whatever people want to call it.
Thanks so much to you guys and your wisdom. I'm glad folks like you exist. The world's a better place for me and a lot of other people with you guys in it. I really would be nuts without you guys putting certain things into perspective and just getting it.
Husband's idea of solitude is watching tv, I think by the comments here some of us are very special because not everyone knows how to savor solitude, or connect to nature and God by enjoying the silence and beauty of nature, there are nights I even enjoy sleeping alone, it makes feel relaxed and free, how sometimes being surrounded by others even those I love can be so discomforting I don't know but it is, I think God made us this way do we could connect with him and ourselves. Thank you all for reminding me that I too have a right to life and solitude besides catering to my family!
where I would live, what job I might have, or what could be different. What things do I miss? dancing? walking alone more? going to church? I picture that life. Usually no caregiving is in the picture, of course! I think about the things I still want to see or accomplish before I die. How might I work towards those things today?
It's very hard. I never was depressed in my life, or had suicidal desires before. But sometimes I do feel these things. It's a battle when someone you loved is abusing you and they can't change, and you are helpless to defend yourself without walking away entirely. Which I wish I could do. I often pray, "Lord please take this burden away or help me change myself so I don't feel this horrible pain."
It feels like something awful is creeping into my mind and psyche after I am with my mother. I feel so toxic! I want to be free and be myself again. What can I do every day to feel that?
You must answer those questions and make your own list. My prayers for all of us to be free and transcend our trials.
I continue to keep her fridge stocked, and some days I just feel so resentful, but boy howdy did she tick me off today. We took her out for a lunch outing today. She and my hubby were in the front seat and my son and I were in the back. Out of the blue she says, "You better stock me up with canned goods for when you're gone." I said my brother and SIL can bring her meals while we're on vacation. She tells me that, oh no, I couldn't ask that of him. Good thing I was in the back seat and she couldn't see my face. I had steam coming out of my ears!
When my brother finally gets back here it will be 3 1/2 years I've been doing this on my own. He and SIL will be staying at our house with everything available to them while we are gone. I know he would be more than happy to do it. He loves to cook as does SIL. But in her mind THEY will be on vacation while we finally get one, the first since 2009. And I'm the one that needs to see she's 'set-up.' Arrghhh!
When he gets here, we'll spend a couple of days together with mom, then my guys and I are headed....for somewhere not here! He can deal with her wacky demands on his own and I will hear the hallelujah chorus! :)
It's so devastating for me. How did God think I could put up with this?
as if she has power still over you like when you were 5 years old. UGH! My Mom has a million ways to manipulate me. I hate her for it.
Oh my Judd! How awful to be called a b***h in public. Mine has called me that in private and that was bad enough. ((Hugs)) to you. We know better, so don't let it get to you, please. Easy to say, I know. But you wouldn't be posting here if you didn't care or were a bitch. I hope your mom learns to properly appreciate all you do for her. We can all dream about that, each and every one, can't we?
My brother doesn't get here until August, so my mom has plenty of control freak time to imagine what I need to do over the next four months. It should be 'entertaining'. Maybe I'll sign her up for a nightly Domino's delivery. Hee. The way she eats, she'd have 35 slices of pizza stacked up in the fridge. My bad. Sometimes I just have to get goofy in my imaginings and laugh to deal with reality. It sure beats getting down about things and I know about that and don't want to go there. I thank God I have my dad's positivity for the most part and his sense of humor. There are days though when I just want to crawl into a hole.
And yes. I scare myself when I look in the mirror. These past 3 years have aged me like 10. I think of becoming a runner like my dad. He always looked great. Then I take a nap if possible. :)
That is certainly a lot to think about. :)
Lavendar, I absolutely, positively cannot wait to get out in the garden. That is my church too, where I feel closest to God and the miracle of life. I started a few seeds yesterday in flats indoors and was blown away this morning. I hand harvested some marigold seeds last fall. Two of them germinated overnight and are sending up their cotyledons. No way! That's an 18 hour germination. I've been starting seeds for 25 years. Never, never has that happened. The only difference is I used this local guy's worm castings (poop) stuff last year on all my plants and they were twice as large and bloomed their pants off like I'd never seen. Must've been passed onto the seeds. I started black-eyed Susan vines for hanging baskets plus nasturtiums, basil, marigolds and heirloom red and green cabbage, 144 plants in all. Have another six flats to plant when time allows.
And now I realize my blabbering shouldn't be on this thread - if the cap'n can start a what's for dinner thread, I'll start a garden thread, if it will stand. I hope so because it seems to tie in with the solace and solitude we seek but want to share here on AC. BTW, I love cap'n's cooking thread!
Veronica, in my aversion of taking pills (even painkillers), I forgot something about why I should Not be skipping a day. I know what you meant when you gave me that advice. The next morning, as I was sitting and warming up the car, I had an “Aha!” moment. I realized something from your words. If I take those darn pills Daily, in my 3 months follow-up test in June, maybe it will say I’m back to normal, and I won’t have to take those pills anymore! So, thanks.
I’m still struggling with father’s skin/rashes. It’s still spreading but it’s not angry red and giving off heat. I’m reaching the point that I can’t stand changing his shirts. It is always soaking wet and very very smelly. The smell sooooo reminds me of “fungus.” It has this very sharp acidy smell emanating from his back/shirt. Even with gloves on, my stomach starts heaving because the smell is just so strong. And soaking wet…even the waterproof pad smells like it. I will see if I can stop by the pharmacy and ask for recommendation. Thanks!
Juddha, I will see if I can try that about the future. I’m very good at daydreaming or fantasizing of having a “normal” life. I’ve been doing that for years until one day I realized it was just fantasies. Then I stopped. What also ticks off are these words: “you Have to” or “That’s why we had children, to take care of us in our old age” or “Do This” “Do That” When he gets so demanding, I just ignore him or until he asks nicely.
I have always been an introvert. I am happier shopping, eating at Dennys all by myself. Just give me a book. If I’m on a long line with no book, I’m fidgeting the whole time, whole body moving, looking all over the place,etc... When I have my book, I can stand there for one hour and not fidget much at all. Going to “church” weekly was very stressful and exhausting for me. We are strongly encouraged to circulate and meet/greet people before and afterwards. By the time I get home, I’m so exhausted. When Friday comes, I’m already dreading going to “church” on Sunday because I will need to talk to people. I finally stopped going.
One of the few things that did seem to please my mom after awhile was food. She really couldn't do much at that point, so she really looked forward to mealtime. I got to get creative. I actually enjoyed cooking for my mom and trying new recipes for her.
Windy, I admit, I'm no expert in the garden, or with my house plants. I'm blundering along, trying to keep these house plants I now have alive and kicking... I've heard nothing but rave reviews about these worm castings, aka, 'poop'... lol I'm waiting for it to help one of my plants whose leaves are turning an alarming yellow now... I totally enjoy the plants and worry when one of them starts getting sick... I wish I could see all your new beauties, Windy... I love lots of blooming flowers, especially the ones that smell so good, growing everywhere... I'm thinking some vegetables this year and I've already got some great smelling herbs going that are doing pretty good so far...The lemon grass smells especially good! :) Scent is so important to me for some reason and I love to be surrounded by great smells...
I'm blabbing today, yesterday, too...
Last night I went down for a 'nap' at about 5 p.m. I slept until 5 a.m this morning. I couldn't believe it. It's like a miracle. That's the first time I've really slept for any length of time in ages. Yay! I feel a lot better for it.
Rain, rain, rain. Maybe I'll go back to bed for awhile.
I love when you guys share your lives, when you 'blabber' . It keeps me grounded when my stress levels are especially high and I need that most. :)